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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Frustrated over household bills advise please

65 replies

tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 14:08

Feeling rather frustrated about household bills so after advice or tips or how other people work there bills if okay please .

I live with my partner( engaged) for five years and my 21 year old son he works..

My partner and I both work full time and earn same wage and get it same day each month.

My son pays us rent of £200 month.

He only home about twice a week as stays at his girlfriends rest of week ..

We have our own accounts for our wages to go into and spending then a joint account for household bills .literally everything covered..bills, food , rent, etc etc 50/50

We split all bills by half both pay in £600 each into joint account..have been for a while now ...

But with rise in bills we both need to pay extra into this joint account to afford bills now on.....so example £700..I just started my share of £700 this month but my partner won't , he feels he puts in enough!! £600 is acceptable in his mind!!

I try to explain bills going up but he has no interest , won't talk bills, don't understand bills in general ..

We use my son's rent money half to pay off a family debt of £100 ( as they helped us out in lockdown so came to agreement to pay them off monthly) then my partner says the other £100 pays for his short fall ...of £100 that's required...

Does that make sense,?

I put in £700

He puts in £600

But I feels that not fair!! Am I wrong in feeling this...

In the joint account we only have £200 a month for food..I am finding out it hard to make that stretch full month so usually end up finding extra money out my own account for food as I can't make £200 last...I usually do a food shop for £100 as time pay day comes round cupboards, fridge, freezer empty so fill them best I can on £100 , not actually full!! But you understand ...then save the other £100 as £25 week...to get us threw the month

When I say I have £200 for food for month he's like that's way too much , cupboards should be full etc etc why aren't they full!!

As I got to take extra out of my own account there isn't much left after I got car to pay for , child maintenance payments as my son lives with his dad and personal loan etc etc ..all before I met him...

Where as he has his car to pay for and his own credit card ..

I am finding it hard to comprehend all this..

Is this fair, am I missing something, better way of food shopping ..weekly instead of one big shop?

It's stressing me out a lot .to point he won't talk bills!!!

Regarding only have 200 for food. What's best weekly shop Or monthly ?!

Going forwards with it all what shall I do ..he won't talk bills and ends in arguments when I ask for more in the joint account..

Help😪

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 10/03/2023 15:02

Where did he live before he lived with you? I am assuming he has had to pay bills at some point? Claiming not to understand them is a bullshit excuse he is using to not engage with conversation about it and pay his fair share.

PhillySub · 10/03/2023 15:14

You are engaged to marry a man who is totally unreasonable and unrealistic in his attitude towards his and your responsibilities. The writing is on the wall for you.

TurnipSurprise · 10/03/2023 15:21

I would leave him - if you want to stay together, this is what I would suggest,

Make a list of all the bills including the family debt, deduct from the£100 from your sons rent and split that in half. You each put in half to the joint account whatever that may be.

Then you have £100 from your son, £100 from you and £100 from him to do a food shop with. Put that in a separate food account and let him do the shopping.

Orangeradiorabbit · 10/03/2023 15:25

This resonates a bit with my situation, although some details are different. I agree that the best solution is to put in £600 like he does and then give him the money to do the shop. If he won't, can you take him shopping with you so he can see the price of things? I've started taking my dh with me, letting him pay for the shop and then just letting the money run out at the end of the month - he tends to step up and find some extra cash while avoiding the argument. However, it's a slow learning process. Do you think this could work for you?

MrLbz · 10/03/2023 15:26

Its your Son, not your partners?

I wonder if from his perspective there are 3 adults sharing a house so things should be split that way.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/03/2023 15:29

Obviously don't marry him

But in the meantime get him to do the food shopping - don't argue just say

"You're quite right, I can't do the food shopping for £200 so it's best if you do it or we just cook for ourselves separately - you choose which you'd prefer"

Treat him like the overgrown toddler he is

Naunet · 10/03/2023 16:08

He’s a grown man, of course he understands bills, he also understands that if he refuses to pay the extra, you will.

Original poster
tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 16:20

Thank you everyone

I sit down every month with all household bills and write it out..then split it by two...
Means it's £700 each needs to go into joint account..it's literally down to the penny!
Gives us £200 for food for the month.

We don't have sky or luxuries like that..literally rent, tv licence, water, electric, etc.

My son gives us £200 a month.
£100 of that pays off a family debt...it is our debt! But that's only way he will pay it with my son's rent ...
£100 was meant to help with that extra like food etc or birthdays ....

But as partner won't increase his current payment of £600 into joint account he feels my son's extra £100 will be good enough to fill in his short fall!!

I have tried sitting down with him explaining .but he says spending too much on food or if you need more your son will have to pay more..

My family have sat down and openly says to him you need to put more in the pot same as me ...but he won't listen!!

He says can't afford but trust me he can..he don't pay no where as much as I do! As we on same wage..I got child maintenance, personal loan etc etc got before met him

Like today cupboards are empty so ordering food it's come to £150..do I do it that way or weekly shop? Everyday he moans nothing in cupboards nothing for his lunch for work.

Trouble is he has money in his own account to buy sugar or bread or anything...he has it..but he won't!!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/03/2023 16:23

So stop taking any money for food from him, and stop buying food jointly. He pays his own food.

Abc12389 · 10/03/2023 16:27

Why are you with him? He doesn’t do the food shop, doesn’t understand bills (yet has opinions on how much things cost - how convenient) and he is greedy with his money. He is sponging off you.

AlmostaMamma · 10/03/2023 16:28

tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 16:20

Thank you everyone

I sit down every month with all household bills and write it out..then split it by two...
Means it's £700 each needs to go into joint account..it's literally down to the penny!
Gives us £200 for food for the month.

We don't have sky or luxuries like that..literally rent, tv licence, water, electric, etc.

My son gives us £200 a month.
£100 of that pays off a family debt...it is our debt! But that's only way he will pay it with my son's rent ...
£100 was meant to help with that extra like food etc or birthdays ....

But as partner won't increase his current payment of £600 into joint account he feels my son's extra £100 will be good enough to fill in his short fall!!

I have tried sitting down with him explaining .but he says spending too much on food or if you need more your son will have to pay more..

My family have sat down and openly says to him you need to put more in the pot same as me ...but he won't listen!!

He says can't afford but trust me he can..he don't pay no where as much as I do! As we on same wage..I got child maintenance, personal loan etc etc got before met him

Like today cupboards are empty so ordering food it's come to £150..do I do it that way or weekly shop? Everyday he moans nothing in cupboards nothing for his lunch for work.

Trouble is he has money in his own account to buy sugar or bread or anything...he has it..but he won't!!

People are telling you this is unacceptable and asking why you’re tolerating it. Are you going to respond to those comments?

rwalker · 10/03/2023 16:33

Just pay £600 like him then ask him what to do when no money left
some people need to actually see this before it sinks in

Tinkerbyebye · 10/03/2023 16:33

i would match him the £600 and pay bills, which I think should be doable. The £200 from your son I would use in full to pay that debt off quicker. Anything left from the £1200 would go on food for both of you. If that then needs topping up I would be having a conversation, I need xx from you towards the food shop. If he refuses I would buy for me and let him go hungry

Suprima · 10/03/2023 16:36

Why do you want to marry a man who ‘doesn’t understand bills’?

…and what do you do?

You end it. He doesn’t respect you and will happily have you struggling financially. This is not a man who deserves you.

Original poster
tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 16:39

Why am I tolerating it!!

Never seen it in that sense before..
Bills got to be paid, is his way acceptable...is it me being unfair..
Maybe there is another option to make it work..

Asking for advise how to approach situation.
Advise of how to make it work better.
Is what he said about £200 for food actually enough .is my shopping habits wrong

I wanted to know if other people do this

What I do know it upsets me..upsets me trying to speak to him about bills.
Yes I do have to pick the right moment..

It's same conversation each month...I warned him bills are increasing ...

Sorry was only asking for advise as don't know what to do about it as stressing me out

OP posts:
BCBird · 10/03/2023 16:39

What an ass. He needs to psy his way. Gove him.the responsibility of the shoppin. I appreciate that 200 a month would be very challenging. Let him.find this out.

ladykale · 10/03/2023 16:40

Is your son not his and this is his subtle way of saying you should be paying more than half to reflect your adult son's bills/rent?

ladykale · 10/03/2023 16:41

Not suggesting you should be by the way, I just wondered if there was more to the refusal than it appears!

Original poster
tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 16:44

Just to clarify he had no children of his own. My son is mine from first marriage.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 10/03/2023 16:44

DDon't increase your contribution. Stop buying and cooking food. Leave that to DP, see how good he gets at budgeting.

Please don't marry someone who refuses to discuss bills/money and doesn't treat you like an equal.

Ilikewinter · 10/03/2023 16:46

Take your partner with you to do the food shopping, then he can see how much everything costs

2bazookas · 10/03/2023 16:48

Like today cupboards are empty so ordering food it's come to £150..do I do it that way or weekly shop? Everyday he moans nothing in cupboards nothing for his lunch for work.

Then he'll get no lunch. When he gets home, there will be no supper and tomorrow morning, there will be no breakfast.

Until he goes to the supermarket and buys food. With his money.

AlmostaMamma · 10/03/2023 16:51

tabbyw1976 · 10/03/2023 16:39

Why am I tolerating it!!

Never seen it in that sense before..
Bills got to be paid, is his way acceptable...is it me being unfair..
Maybe there is another option to make it work..

Asking for advise how to approach situation.
Advise of how to make it work better.
Is what he said about £200 for food actually enough .is my shopping habits wrong

I wanted to know if other people do this

What I do know it upsets me..upsets me trying to speak to him about bills.
Yes I do have to pick the right moment..

It's same conversation each month...I warned him bills are increasing ...

Sorry was only asking for advise as don't know what to do about it as stressing me out

Why am I tolerating it!! Never seen it in that sense before

You should. You’re not trapped in this relationship. You’re choosing to be in it. You can choose not to be.

Bills got to be paid, is his way acceptable...is it me being unfair.

Is it acceptable that your partner is refusing to pay his half of the bills? Are you being unfair for expecting him to pay half of the bills? Do those questions even make sense to you? Truly? Or is it clear that he’s being an arsehole, but you want us to tell you how to continue to accept it?

Maybe there is another option to make it work.

A magical money tree?

Asking for advise how to approach situation.

End this garbage relationship.

Advise of how to make it work better. Is what he said about £200 for food actually enough .is my shopping habits wrong

Tell him to do the food shopping.

I wanted to know if other people do this

Do what? Put up with financial abuse? Some people do, but that doesn’t mean that you should.

What I do know it upsets me..upsets me trying to speak to him about bills. Yes I do have to pick the right moment

There is no right moment to ask someone to stop abusing you.

Sorry was only asking for advise as don't know what to do about it as stressing me out

End this garbage relationship. Then post about your monthly income and outgoings and posters will be happy to signpost you to the most appropriate resources, if required.

yossell · 10/03/2023 16:51

If your son didn't live there, would he accept that the two of you should split the bill 50-50? Is his view that you're both subsidizing your son and he thinks that's unfair?

(Not being sympathetic to him -- just trying to understand if there's any possible rationale for his attitude)

greenspaces4peace · 10/03/2023 16:57

wouldn't it make sense to review where the 1200 (600+600) goes and prove that more money needs to be going in to pay for joint increased bills?
show him this years heating vs last?
i would expect to see exactly why on paper with back up details.

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