Love bombing at the beginning of a relationship is abusive isn’t it?

[Cookiemonster83]

I’ve read a few posts lately about abuse. I was abused. Ive read questions asking am I being abused, do they abuse all the time even when they are nice, when did it start, were they always abusive.

I think I realised something. You are abused from the very beginning, you are/I was groomed. When they are nice they are abusing. At the beginning they love the fact you love them, they bomb you with love like an overdose of the best thing you’ve ever had. They bask in the love and admiration you return. When it starts to dwindle, like all things do as that level is unsustainable they need to do something to make it come back. That’s when it can turn nasty. I started to question his behaviour then he turned.

So therefore the love at the beginning is abuse. They trying to dictate the narrative.

Does this sound right?

Yes, that’s right. It’s very hard to accept and to process that the whole thing was a deception. Im sorry.

Except I would say that most of them engineer it from even before that, so you think you fell in love with them but really you walked onto a stage they’d already set. Sorry OP

Yes love bombing is a sign of abuse, however it can be difficult to notice depending upon the level of it. - wanting to take you out for meals, buying you flowers etc can be part of a normal loving relationship too as of course they ate trying to impress you

I personally think it depends on the situation. Also the other person's relationship history.

I would assess what was happening by looking at the circumstances and their past to decide whether it's love bombing or not.

However, saying that, I grew up in a stable home, my dad was (and is) always present and I know what a healthy relationship looks like. If you didn't have this growing up and have a prior history of abuse, I think you are at a disadvantage.

I don’t know why but it makes the things I did just seem so much worse that they weren’t in the name of love. I have felt so much shame in my actions and now not only did I do those things and I have to remember them I did them out of manipulation. It’s like a double whammy. I was so far away from myself. I feel so used. But at the same time I thought there was something wrong with me but all along it was something wrong with him. It didn’t matter who I was at all just that I towed the line.

My insecurities, the things about me that made me me he manipulated to be something dirty and bad. We all have insecurities, they are not dirty and there was nothing wrong with me, he used them because it worked. Damn I feel so used and wasted over a decade of my life on him.

I was in transition when I met him, I was young and naive, finished my masters degree and looking for something. He was like a knight my knight in shining armour, exciting, different, charming, he thought just like me, he got me, had me on my toes from the beginning. Very quickly got me hooked on fixing his life. I fell for it. Like so many others.

Don't feel ashamed. I used to blame myself for keeping a terrible relationship going but a therapist pointed out that a predator is almost impossible to get rid of, way past the point where normal people would say, clearly we don't get I and need to part, and walk away. That's what makes them a predator.

Grooming, love bombing, isolating you - all the techniques they use are designed to keep you there. It's not an easy thing to escape, so give yourself credit for managing to do so.

@Dacadactyl sometimes you can just be in a particular stage in life and off your guard, eg for me I was in a boring relationship and wanted some excitement where by bad luck I meet the wrong person. I’ve never had any previous or prior abusive relationships.

@Speedweed no it really wasn’t an easy thing to leave. It cost me a lot mentally, physically and financially. But I really did some terrible things to myself and let him do terrible things. Things that go against my soul if that makes sense. He put the blame on me which led to terrible depression and a breakdown. I’m ok now, recovering.

Hi @Cookiemonster83 I’ve been through similar. Look up ‘moral injury’ — that’s what he did/gave you

@Leopardlives that does feel so similar. They things that you do in order to survive are crazy. Afterwards it’s so painful to have them as part of your memories, even if it was done out of manipulation, you still did them.

They are so clever as their hands are clean, they make you do it to yourself.

Yes. I struggle too but I think that the way they’ve downloaded all that into you is something you must cast out. Cast out any guilt. It is like being possessed.

@Leopardlives then you left with the event but not the guilt. Does that make it feel better or is it just a case of have to live with it really and try to have as good a life as possible.

I think that you know how they say you have to grey rock the person? That eventually you have to sort of grey rock these parts of the person they ‘downloaded’ into you. I think those are parts of their story and not yours, or parts of themselves they put into your path. A play they wrote in which you were just an actor, as it were. I don’t know though, I’m still struggling. Read about reactive abuse.

I don't think it's that simple. Love bombing in the context you discuss and showing genuine love and affection can be very similar but not the same.

Showering someone with gifts, treats, affection etc may wane, but that doesn't automatically mean it was a trap, it's just how relationships mellow a bit over time and often they settle into a routine.

You can't go through life thinking any big shows of love are automatically a red flag - it's only combined with other factors and behaviours where that becomes the case.

@Leopardlives so I should start to grey rock my own thoughts. It’s difficult because he didn’t download them, he played on the issues I already had.

Me too, me too. It sounds very similar, I totally understand what you’re saying. I don’t have the answer. But I am sorry. It’s an unthinkable thing to do.

Sneaky buggers aren’t they

Yes. There’s something parasitic about it.

I thought the funny, charming, exciting side of ex dp was the real him, and the darker sides were just trauma or difficulties he was going through. I thought that me loving and accepting him would heal those dark sides and that he could eventually be his true, happy self. What a fanny I was. The gaslighting, manipulation, lying, criticising, aggression, insecurity, mood hoovering, and jealousy is the real him. The good sides are just the bait to catch his prey.

@Happysalley that’s exactly what I thought also. Mine used this sad little my dad abused me as a boy act that I fell for, I really wanted to heal his inner wounds so I could have the nice guy I had glimpses of. I was also a fanny!

Hey - what you did WAS in the name of love.
It just wasn't reciprocated.

You are not to blame for his manipulations. His actions do not reflect poorly on you. Millions of people have been duped in abusive relationships, & you need to lose the shame - it just does not belong to you.

I know that's easily said, harder done, so you need some tools to help you reframe your experience.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu Thanks, I’ve looked and read all those previous and did the freedom programme before.

Yes I did those things mostly out of fear really in the end but at the start they were out of love. What a stupid idiot for doing things in the name of love. But that’s what makes me human I suppose, a slightly over empathetic one back then. Other things I did to survive or because the alternative was too much.

“Sensuality often hastens the "Growth of Love" so much that the roots remain weak and are easily torn up.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

It's unsustainable if he comes on too strong. Taking it slowly allows you logically process if your values match, if you two are compatible and if you actually like him as a person. Infatuation makes it hard to think logically.