Love bombing at the beginning of a relationship is abusive isn’t it?

[Cookiemonster83]

I’ve read a few posts lately about abuse. I was abused. Ive read questions asking am I being abused, do they abuse all the time even when they are nice, when did it start, were they always abusive.

I think I realised something. You are abused from the very beginning, you are/I was groomed. When they are nice they are abusing. At the beginning they love the fact you love them, they bomb you with love like an overdose of the best thing you’ve ever had. They bask in the love and admiration you return. When it starts to dwindle, like all things do as that level is unsustainable they need to do something to make it come back. That’s when it can turn nasty. I started to question his behaviour then he turned.

So therefore the love at the beginning is abuse. They trying to dictate the narrative.

Does this sound right?

OP, at the same time, treat is like work. If your manager made you redundant and he was a bit of a twat, you wouldn't lose sleep and go through all that trash again seeing if this time it actually might work.

We learn lessons by making mistakes. Nobody is free from making mistakes, but that's the best way to learn.

If your ex manager was a bully to everyone, you wouldn't ruminate what did you do that was wrong. Same here. Not your fault, that dud did things because of his own past/psychopathology. Good to learn from your experience yet no need to dwell on it.

I understand what you mean but a boss doesn’t really get as deep as an intimate partner

What a stupid idiot for doing things in the name of love.

@Cookiemonster83

Hey, hey, go a bit easy on yourself here. There is no reflection on you, other than you are a decent person who was unlucky to encounter someone who wasn't a decent person. There is no shame in that.

Next time you go to be harsh on yourself, think what you would say to a sibling, a child or a friend who found themself in this position. Say that to yourself.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

@FinallyHere yeah probably too harsh. It just feels different when you manipulated into doing something, when it goes against your morals like a PP said. When a normal relationship ends and you think oh god what was I thinking it’s easier to come to terms with. It only really hits when the relationship is over and you have time to process it that you really got manipulated so bad that your own mind and conscious can’t believe what happened let alone accept it. I’m talking about violation, really dirty things. Yes the reasons and the manipulation are not mine but the memories are.

Sending you {{{hugs}}} or a comforting hand on your shoulder, whichever you feel most comfortable with.

A good place to start might be to forgive yourself. It might not be easy, it is very simple. Very best wishes xx

I will try and re-frame my thoughts though to yes bad things happened, they are over but they were painful so it’s ok to be sad about them. But the shame belongs to someone else, I didn’t do them because I was bad I did them to survive and because I was being abused, because he was bad. For a long time I’ve believed I was bad, I made him behave bad, I have carried the shame for the things that I did in order to survive. I don’t feel bad really deep down.

The abuse belngs to the abuser.

Yes the abuse belongs to the abuser but it’s the memories I have trouble with. For example at the beginning he was desperate for me to get pregnant. I was very young. He said it was all he ever dreamed of being a father, I was not ready. He did things that were in my best interests let’s say. I ended up pregnant and took the decision to have a termination. I told no one and went alone. He went mad, very physically and emotionally. He would hold this over me for years telling me how disgusting I was. It goes against my morals really, it makes me sad to think I did that and got in that situation. It was an awful experience and it was just as much awful to go home and have him totally reject me. I did what I did to survive but I have those physically memories of the procedure and all of those years of thinking I was dirty. It led to depression. It’s very hard to just say oh well that’s belongs to him. His hands are clean mine had to go through it alone.