Older DH being distant and selfish - affair?

[Bumdoubt]

How do you know if your partner is having an affair? I’m not sure if he is but he’s always on his phone, goes to the toilet with it, at night time when he wakes up. I’m not sure if it’s just tiktok. He used to drink heavily, only occasionally now.

we’ve not had sex since early last year, it wasn’t that good. He makes excuses as he’s tired from work, kids, etc. when we’re together he just turns away. I’ve asked him and he reassures me he does love me. I just feel so unwanted and lonely. I’m 47 and he is 55. I feel he’s being really selfish not making me feel good as a partner.

can anyone help??

It does sound like there might be another person. But there are other reasons too, like ill health.
What do you mean about him turning away from you? Do you mean in bed or generally?

It’s in bed - he’ll read his book, text then go to sleep, there is no affection unless I ask for it.

I can send him texts about how I feel and upset, I’ve talked to him face to face too but I just get a blank expression or told I’m too needy and nag.

I’m finding it more and more demoralising. I feel like I want to meet someone who will be passionate and make me feel like a woman again. I don’t with him at all!

He’s suffered loosing his parents in recent years but he wasn’t close to them. He should have been a monk as I feel like he is celibate. Then again, I keep feeling he might be seeing someone as he does have a lot of time on his own. I work long hours and DC are older and they are not at home as much.

I think what’s upsetting me is the loneliness. It hurts so much that if there was the opportunity for me to have an affair I definitely would. Not going to happen though.

It might not be an affair, he might have ED and doesn't want to face it.

You don't have to stay with him OP. If this is your life for the foreseeable and it's unacceptable to you then have the hard conversation.

You're not happy are you?

Really - to be honest, it doesn't matter whether he is having an affair or not. It seems to me that he has no interest in rekindling any kind of loving relationship with you, and he is downright dismissive and unpleasant when you try and voice your feelings.

There is something you could do about it. Maybe you need to consider whether you have reached the end of the road with this relationship, and ask yourself whether you would be happier without him.

I think I’m scared to go it alone. I really am and I think he knows I am which is why he treats me this way.

I don’t think I could cope on my own.

have you tried initiating nice outings for the two of you without kids, something you may both enjoy? Have you tried asking how he feels in general and if he’s happy youth his life, what his dreams and wishes are for the future? He may be having an affair, he may not. It’s not so important. What’s important is whether it’s possible for you two to get close again and both feel happier.
Ive had partners cheat on me in three different relationships (counting since 20ies..) and I’ve cheated myself in past partners. Usually you always know, it’s just a feeling. So if you have it, could be true. To me however, cheating doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship l, it depends on so many other things. And there are far worse things imo.

Of course, you could cope on your own! You need to find the inner strength. It is there, believe me.

You have one life. Of course you want a happy life, one where you are not lonely and isolated. One where your husband doesn't go on fucking TikTok in the toilet when he's in his 50s. It sounds incredibly miserable life at the moment. Why do you think living alone would be worse?

@neitherofthem either way you need to address the feeling that you’re scared t be alone. That’s not a healthy foundation for a relationship and makes for codependency. I get it, been there. The way out is empowering yourself - do more things by yourself that you thought you couldn’t, dare to push out of your comfort zone, whatever that means. Build your confidence though friendships, hobbies, exercise, work, art, whatever works for you. When I used to feel really bad like this I once made a budget to see if I could survive alone w the kids and when I saw I could I felt much better and funnily enough, more like working on my marriage because I then knew I wasn’t forced to stay for financial reasons, but only if I wanted to. Being with someone else is such a mystery in a way - you can be so happy and then suddenly things go wrong for a while but they can also get better again…the main way to get there is for each of you to work on your individual happiness and then make an effort to connect and be more loving to each other. It’s super hard though if one person is pulling away though, so you have my sympathy. Don’t put up with any bad treatment either.

What would like him to do if he no longer desires you? What would you like him to tell you ? If it is an affair , he seemingly is not ready to disclose.

You should act based upon your feelings. It is obvious that he is acting or in this case not acting based upon his feelings. It is demeaning to ask someone to demonstrate affection that they do not feel.. That puts both of you in an unacceptable position.

You should take steps to make you happy. Ownership of your happiness is your responsibility. You could suggest counseling. You could separate and each work on your self. You could file for a divorce. You could cheat or you could make peace with the situation as it stands, and stop trying to make him responsive to feelings that he appears not to share. Any and all of these possibilities will require you to be proactive on your own behalf.

Start taking control of your own happiness and live your life on the terms that work for you. Desiring affection is not the same as desiring him.

While I suspect you should always look at the most obvious thing, and that you are probably right when you look at his behaviour…. He is also prime prostate/ED issues demographic. A lot of men ignore and/or gaslight their partner into thinking it’s THEIR fault rather than taking control of the issue and going to the Dr.
Again your first instinct is still the most likely scenario though.

OP, you have said a number of things about your relationship ,but no where have you said that you love or desire him. You have said that you are lonely and afraid of being alone. None of that equates to loving him.

Is it possible that he feels the same way? He too may be afraid of being alone. That may be a starting point for an honest discussion. A discussion where you put your own feelings on the table with no pressure or expectation that he is going to address your feelings but instead that he is going to express his thoughts and feelings with no expectations that you are going to address his feelings. Just a moment where you can both freely state your individual feelings about the state and status of the relationship.

I think a lot of times if you had developed a real friendship bond before becoming lovers then you have some underlying connection with which to start a rebuild. It has to be a substantive bond not this superficial and trendy " he/she is my best friend "
With a real best friend ,you can risk being vulnerable because you know that you are not going to lose the relationship.

Staying around because you don't want to be alone may be ok if you are staying with a real friend, but staying around with someone that no longer loves you because you need a crutch would be soul destroying. You both deserve better than that.

There is no loneliness worse than the loneliness you feel when you're with someone.
If this man is giving you nothing, living with him will just leave you feeling empty.
If you leave him, in time you can fill your life back up with all the joy, love and life he is sucking out of you now.

I'm not the OP - I think you are responding to the wrong person?

It does sound like he may be worried about erectile disfunction. He's likely avoiding intimacy and anything that might be expected to lead to intimacy in case he can't get an erection.
Please find a way to sensitively ask him about it. It would be so sad if you thought he doesn't love you, when in reality he's just fearful.

Thank you all very much for your comments. I have talked sensitively to him over the years about getting support for ED but nothing ever really changes. More and more he just keeps getting more detached from me, watching tv on his own, being on his phone all the time and then heading to bed early.

I’m not sure I do love him in a passionate lover way, I think his drinking and snoring at night just give me the ick nowadays! We have date evenings but he seems so unengaged and is more chatty if we bring the DC. I don’t think I nag more than most women. I’ve been pretty patient and tend to to put his needs first and I always show concern with his stress. It feels like more and more like it’s not reciprocated now, I just get blank face.

I probably am co-dependant as he is the main financial breadwinner. I took time out from my career to raise DC. I honestly feel trapped as financially I can’t manage with DC on my own PT wage.

I’m looking into hobbies, sports and I find I’m increasingly looking at ones where they are mixed as I’d like to have more men in my life. Is that wrong? I know I said I would even consider an affair but I couldn’t do that if I’m honest. More I want to just be around men who notice I’m a woman. My DH doesn’t make me feel attractive at all. As I approach middle age it’s like I don’t exist to him.

I’m coming to realise he just seems very selfish and inconsiderate. I’ve discussed and practically begged for joint therapy together but it never moves beyond a discussion. I often wonder why he is with me. He says the words love but I don’t feel he means it.

Is he on antidepressants?

No he’s not. I’ve asked him about this but get dismissed.

My DH is the same age and I am younger, we have a bigger age gap. Your DH sounds similar to mine in terms of effort and affection etc. and some of what you say about how it makes you feel resonates with me.
So I sympathise and can relate.
Though there differences in our dynamic & situation, I have come to the conclusion that my DH can get a bit 'lazy' and takes our relationship and me for granted sometimes. I think he's very comfortable and happy for things to keep ticking over as they are. Getting along well, a good team etc. But not much romance, and he's fine with that. I think it's an age thing.. I just don't think my DH has that much desire anymore, for romance?

Meant to add.. point being, that I too have wondered at points if he's having an affair or something.. as I've felt so invisible, but truly I dont think he is, and deep down I know him and know it's just that that need for romance has waned and I need to remind him..! Sounds like you have done that already with your DH though...
god they are so annoying and useless!

Thanks for giving me this insight. This has been going on for years, I’ve often made excuses for his behaviour hoping he’ll change, but it never does. It’s really disheartening.

Take the bull by the horns, issue him with an ultimatum! He steps up or ships out. Love is a verb - he needs to show he loves you as anyone can claim they do! If he refuses to speak to you about the state of your marriage, tell him you want to split. You deserve more and nagging is falling on deaf ears. Show him you're not part of the furniture and expect more. Carve out your own life. Don't stay and regret the next 40 years.

Ask him who he is messaging late at night, I would.

Instead of just discussing therapy @Bumdoubt and waiting for it to be arranged - why can’t you just arrange it and tell him when it is and what time he needs to arrive. Maybe the therapy or lack of it if he refuses will give you more oomph.

do you want another 20 years of this.

do you want to end up his career and totally trapped?

get the therapy together or for yourself. Look at that bleak future once the children have there own lives.

you say you couldn’t cope on your own… things would get sorted financially.. what would you not cope with?

you are on your own emotionally and physically in most senses already. And for everything else there’s an app, gadget or groups.

Hmm, my DH is 50 and is still very keen on romance, @chronictonic. Most of our friends are in their mid-40's-mid 50's, and romance definitely is alive and well among them.

I think your sense that your DH has got lazy and abit complacent about your relationship is probably what's happened....he needs a reminder that you expect more from your relationship.