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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's the end.

32 replies

fatgirlrunning · 09/03/2023 16:53

I don't really know what I want from posting on here. Maybe I just need to know I'm not crazy or wrong?

Been with DH for 13 years, married for 9. We have three children, two each from previous relationships and an eleven year old together.

Our relationship didn't have the best start with him cheating on me with various women right up until I was around four months pregnant. I stupidly stayed and fell into depression, including self harm. I've recently began therapy and it's opened my eyes. I don't want to be married anymore for a few reasons.

He is cruel in arguments and turns everything around on me and calls me horrible.

He will sulk if he doesn't have beer.

He hates that I'm starting a degree.

He never joins in family activities or takes the boys anywhere.

He will sulk if he doesn't get sex

He's only affectionate after sex

He wakes me up when he wakes up at 4am to try and have sex with me. If I don't wake up he will still grab me and perform acts on me.

Once I pretended to still be asleep and he went the whole way and had sex with me. I don't know why I didn't stop him.

Everyone loves him and thinks he's amazing. On paper he's perfect. I keep fantasising about being on my own. Financially I will be ok as I work full time but my youngest is going to secondary school in September and I don't want to upset him.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
monicagellerbing · 09/03/2023 16:55

Run for the hills and start living your own life. You deserve better than this rapist abuser op Flowers

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/03/2023 16:57

What an absolute bastard he is. I think you need to talk to women's aid and get some help leaving him.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/03/2023 16:58

More than anything else this,

wakes me up when he wakes up at 4am to try and have sex with me. If I don't wake up he will still grab me and perform acts on me

Is a matter for the police who might even be able to remove him from your home today should you explain the situation. It is repeated sexual assault

Original poster
fatgirlrunning · 09/03/2023 16:59

I've tried confronting him before about it and he gets upset and horrified and says I'm a horrible person for accusing him. He makes me feel awful for suggesting it's wrong. I end up apologising.

OP posts:
Kerrylass · 09/03/2023 17:01

You can leave him and you should. Your son will understand one day. No one should have to put up with this. You can do this.

Original poster
fatgirlrunning · 09/03/2023 17:02

Can I just ask him to leave? It's not his house although he has paid towards the mortgage.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 17:03

Rebuild your life without your abuser in it. Your children already know that things are badly amiss at home, their house is not the sanctuary it should be and they sense the atmosphere he inflicts onto you as they pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken.

Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They need to learn that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Your youngest child will adapt and he will be ok; you cannot use him as a reason here to at all remain with such a brute in the shape of your abusive H. Be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps out, on your own. Use the services of Womens Aid too; they can and will support.

Better too to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

Suetcrust · 09/03/2023 17:03

Oh my goodness. You need to seriously consider getting away from this dysfunctional situation. Apart from anything else he has committed marital rape. That’s absolutely awful.

Do some research about alternatives and hatch an escape plan. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Really?
Good luck OP.

MaireadMcSweeney · 09/03/2023 17:04

You need to see a lawyer and get legal advice. Good luck!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 17:04

He will in all likelihood refuse to leave so you will have to employ legal means here to get him out. I would urge you to seek legal advice on all aspects of separation and divorce asap.

Original poster
fatgirlrunning · 09/03/2023 17:06

Thank you. I will.

I'm very lucky that my parents live on the property but in a separate building. So I have a support network here.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 09/03/2023 17:08

Oh my love, your husband is a rapist and this would be taken seriously by the police (should you wish to talk to them). Women’s Aid would be a very helpful place for you to start the process of leaving him and they will offer a no judgement / no pressure place for you to talk.

You are worth so much more (and never question why you didn’t stop him - you are not to blame).

FlowerArranger · 09/03/2023 17:16

You know this is not going to get better. He actually rapes you and then forces you to apologise! Your sons are at risk of absorbing his behaviour and growing up to believe that this is normal...

You need legal advice about the division of assets, particularly your house.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Collect ALL financial documentation, including pensions and investments
Then see an experienced family solicitor

Sloth66 · 09/03/2023 17:32

He sounds vile. Plenty of advice here, contacting Women’s Aid and an appointment with a solicitor asap would be a good start. There’s a better life waiting for you.

Witchytwitchybitchy · 09/03/2023 17:55

Disgusting rapist bastard. What kind of man wants to have sex in a sleeping woman?
without hesitation or regret, kick him out and have nothing to do with him again.

Original poster
fatgirlrunning · 17/03/2023 19:07

Hi. Just an update.

I told my parents and my friends and they helped me to confront him. He's left the house tonight after two days of crying, begging, threatening suicide and blaming me for everything.

My head is a mess. He said when he did the things he did, he felt like a pervert but he has a high sex drive and because I didn't have sex with him a lot (my depression played a part in that) it was something that happened. He said he had thought long and hard about it and come to the conclusion that he was a good man and had actually done nothing wrong. He said I had a part to play in this situation.

He laughed at me when I brought up his drinking.

He accused me of meeting someone else and even accused me of having an affair with my best friend! (Female) He said that it can't possibly be that I just don't want him anymore.

He was swaying between begging and crying to being awful.

I stayed calm and quiet and tried very hard not to be angry or upset.

I'm so scared about the next few months but also feel a sense of relief. I actually feel relaxed in my own home now.

OP posts:
LighthouseCat · 17/03/2023 19:23

You have been so brave. Really well done. You have done the right thing for you and your children x

Channellingsophistication · 17/03/2023 22:41

you have done the right thing for sure. Please do get legal advice asap

thefactsarefriendly · 17/03/2023 22:46

You have absolutely done the right thing. He is an abuser and will say or do anything to get you to back down. Stay strong! Very best wishes to you.

Justmeandthedog1 · 17/03/2023 22:50

fatgirlrunning · 09/03/2023 16:59

I've tried confronting him before about it and he gets upset and horrified and says I'm a horrible person for accusing him. He makes me feel awful for suggesting it's wrong. I end up apologising.

A lot of rapists say the same. “How dare a woman suggest this about me”
Contact Women’s Aid and/or the police. You shouldn’t be living like this.

Justmeandthedog1 · 17/03/2023 22:54

Get all the support you can from family and friends. I do think speaking to WA will help you as he’ll probably continue with The Script.
Stay strong. There may be a rough couple of months getting stuff sorted but your life will be so much happier. Best of luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2023 22:54

You should report him to the police immediately and get a non-molestation order.

BritInAus · 17/03/2023 23:01

I'm thrilled that you've got rid of him. PLEASE stay strong and block him on absolutely everything and keep him block. Change the locks. He sounds very manipulative and you don't want any way for him to get to you whilst you're so vulnerable.

You're amazing. Surround yourself with the people that really love you, keep busy, acknowledge that this next bit will be hard - but not as hard as staying with a man like him. Also I hope you have some professional support - you have been abused x

KIWI2023 · 17/03/2023 23:03

@fatgirlrunning I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you have had to endure this from someone who should have loved and protected you all along.
I grew up as a child witnessing a similar situation with my mum and her abusive partner, I never let on I knew what was happening (my mum tried to hide it to protect me) but I saw it all and the relief when my mum finally left him was enormous and I will never be anything but proud of her for the bravery she showed in rebuilding her life and knowing her worth.
I hope you have a strong support network around you and if you ever want to talk my inbox will always be open to you.
You are amazing and worthy of a wonderful life.

ALLIS0N · 17/03/2023 23:06

MaireadMcSweeney · 09/03/2023 17:04

You need to see a lawyer and get legal advice. Good luck!

This. It’s complicated as you own the house but you are married.

See a lawyer and make a plan . Don’t discuss anything with your Abusive husband, you don’t need his permission or agreement.