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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do? Need opinions - Relationship

30 replies

Moorex · 09/03/2023 13:56

Hi everybody.

Met a great guy a couple months back, have been close together since. Met up a lot of times, always in contact. I realized this week I am secretly in love with him. He doesn't know, we never had that convo. We have been really great friends from the start and have a very deep connection.

He's very busy though. From the day we met. Always working. Eventhough he is busy he always sends me reels throughout the day. (Reels are videos on instagram) When we're together I can feel the tension, the good one :-) but suddenly it seems like he fell from earth this week.

No talk, no interaction, nothing. He normally watches all my stories on Instagram, sends me videos like I mentioned before, or asks me how I am doing. But nothing! It has been like this for 5 days now.

I dreamed about him 2 days ago and felt like something was off. I texted him right away when I woke up and asked him if he was okay, told him if he needs someone he can always call me. He opened the message a day later and still hasnt responded eventhough he has been active on Facebook many times. (Yes i get into stalker mood, bad trait of mine)

Can anyone advice me what to do? Should I call him? I am not sure if I did something wrong? He is normally amazing in communicating, always tells me how he feels and his emotional intelligence is very high. That's why I am concerned. I feel like this is out of character for him.

Honestly this whole incident made me realize I am in love with him. I think I knew before I just didn't want to admit it. I am pretty sure he feels the same way as he's always been a bit nervous around me eventhough he is very laid-back in daily life. I am in my late 20's and he's in his mid 30's.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your upcoming advises. Really debating with myself about if I should call him or not

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 14:09

His first love is work, not you. You seem completely over invested here saying that if he needs someone he can call you (ask yourself why you are doing this); the man is giving you internet crumbs. He can't even be bothered to have a conversation with you. No-one is that busy 24/7 either.

Do not be the fallback girl here to this Mr Unavailable. Infact I would suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl" by Natalie Lue.

What is there to at all love about this man?. How can you be so sure you love him?. He is to my mind messing with your head and he is not that into you. It sounds like you're addicted to the high intensity but such highs are never sustained and come before crashing lows. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Give this question careful consideration.

Fidgety31 · 09/03/2023 14:10

He’s met someone else

if he wanted to contact you he would - like you said he is online - chatting to others

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 09/03/2023 14:13

Block and move on. He's not who you think he is.

UpUpUpU · 09/03/2023 14:15

He’s not interested OP, sorry

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 14:21

Thank you all for the honest reactions. When me and him first met I was in another relationship, that ended 3 months ago. It wasn't a great relationship so I am definitely happy about that. I don't think it's about him 'having someone else' as we have always been really great friends and nothing more. It would be weird if he 'ditched' me for someone else as there's nothing to ditch... We have never spoken about this subject.

We live in a small city and I do go out with friends, which some of them are male. Always as friends but that's the only reason I could think of why he would ghost me out of the blue. Or yes, he could be in love with someone else but that is still no reason to have no contact as we are just friends.

It could be possible, but I feel like he would have contacted me if that was the case. Thank you again for taking the time to reply!

OP posts:

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 14:27

so you’re not actually dating him ?

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 14:30

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 14:27

so you’re not actually dating him ?

No, both of us haven't talked about it. Part of me didn't want to ruin the friendship. I do feel like the feelings are mutual but I have never made it clear that I feel what I feel. I know it's all a bit confusing

OP posts:

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 14:34

He just called me, asked to go out for a coffee to talk. The business he was working on and trying to build got stuck. Not sure what is happening.

Pretty upset that he only calls me after 2 days of me messaging him but maybe he needed space to re-group himself or something. I don't know. What do y'all think? I feel like I am reading too much into everything and maybe should just take a break from it all

OP posts:

Landndialamrhf · 09/03/2023 14:46

you sound really really young, I thought this was written by a teenager until you said your age
3 months ago you were in another relationship
now you’re in love with this man you’re not actually in a relationship with. He hasn’t spoken to you for 5 days and that is what made you realise you’re in love with him?

You’re messaging him quite intense messages when he isn’t messaging you and isn’t replying to these intense messages. then he does reply and you’re upset. It’s all a bit much.

what do you love about him? It sounds like he’s made it clear that you aren’t that important to him, from day one? Why would you want that?

I think you need to just concentrate on yourself for a little bit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/03/2023 14:49

Tell him you’d like to date him and see what he says. Otherwise it will just be agonising and angst.

SavBlancTonight · 09/03/2023 14:59

You're not dating? It's very confusing reading this. It all sounds like you're dating but if you're not, it's all a bit weird. why would you have so much contact with someone you're not dating, especially if you think you're in love?

To me, you sound like his piece on the side. Like he's got a relationship elsewhere (hence he's often unavailable) but you make him feel good about himself with your adoration and availability.

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 15:15

I am not English, it could be because it's not my first language. I can't always find the right words to describe the situation. My English is pretty basic unfortunately...

He is actually the one always reaching out to me. I am normally not the first one to start the conversation, I would say 80% of the time he is. That's why all of this was confusing to me.

I didn't want to write too much about our relationship as it would probably be too much to read in one post so tried to keep it as basic as I could. We have the same interests and actually studied the same subject that not a lot of people are interested in. Apart from that we can just laugh for hours together and always have a great time when we meet. He is not a texter, he calls most of the time. I on the other hand am a texter, not a great caller. At all.

Your message kinda hurt, but I get it, I think it's the language barrier and me trying to keep everything basic so it wouldnt be too much to read for all of you in the same time. Our friendship is very strong, what I meant with busy is that he doesnt text me 24/7 which I also dont expect him to

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 15:54

Honestly this whole incident made me realize I am in love with him

Really?
You've known him all of 2 months, & as soon as he starts treating you mean, you get keen?

He is being outrageously rude & disrespectful, what makes you think this is behaviour you want to enmesh yourself further with?
Why does a man being actively dismissive & cold to you make you decide you are "in love"?

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 16:02

Your English isn’t basic
your behaviour and his is the same in any language though.
you are obsessing about a bloke who will either

not be interested and make it clear
not be interested but string you along for sex and to fill the gaps
also be interested in and attracted to you and act appropriately on it

that’s all there is to it.

Whiskeypowers · 09/03/2023 16:03

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 15:54

Honestly this whole incident made me realize I am in love with him

Really?
You've known him all of 2 months, & as soon as he starts treating you mean, you get keen?

I couldn’t agree more

Middletoleft · 09/03/2023 16:08

Moorex · 09/03/2023 14:34

He just called me, asked to go out for a coffee to talk. The business he was working on and trying to build got stuck. Not sure what is happening.

He was mega busy and he sees you as only friends. Until you have any other conversation your expectations are out of line.

See how it goes when you have coffee.

Watchkeys · 09/03/2023 20:13

He's a friend of 2 months and you're secretly in love with him?

I think it might be time to realise you're not in a romance novel. If he was interested in a relationship with you, he wouldn't have dropped contact for 5 days. You're someone he likes a chat with.

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 20:25

We met September 2022! But we have always been friends as I was in a relationship until 3 months ago. He knew that and has always been respectful about it. I think I always liked the guy, but realized it since we didn't talk for the past 5 days that I like him more then I admited to myself

That's what caught me off guard too as normally we don't go 5 days without talking to each other. Normally he is there. Yes, busy, but we meet up, he calls and / or texts. I might haven't explained the best in my post. You might be though about him not liking me enough, or he wouldnt have waited 5 days

OP posts:

Original poster

Moorex · 09/03/2023 20:26

Sorry I meant *you might be right though

OP posts:

WhenDovesFly · 09/03/2023 20:45

I think we're confused because you said in your first post you'd met him a couple of months ago and now you're saying you met him six months ago.

When are you meeting for the coffee? See how that goes and find out why he's been quiet for 5 days. It's an odd way for him to behave if he does have feelings for you. It could be he's not interested in you romantically, or maybe he's taking things slow because you're only recently out of a relationship.

You may have to be brave and ask him out on a date. What do you do when you meet up? Do you ever go for dinner or to something like theatre or a show? Be prepared that he may take a step back though if he's not interested in a romantic attachment.

NevieSticks · 09/03/2023 21:02

You haven't had any sexual contact with him then?

Doidontimmm · 09/03/2023 21:05

Bet he asks for an “investment” into his “stuck” business - don’t do it!

Stressfordays · 09/03/2023 21:08

This is very strange. Any man who ghosts me though gets blocked after 48 hours. Move on, find someone else and don't listen to his shit excuses. If he wanted to, he would.

Redebs · 09/03/2023 21:10

OP you sound like a teenager with her first crush.
I don't think this person is interested in a relationship with you.

ninjasnap · 10/03/2023 00:36

But... you're not in a relationship with him?? At all. Protect yourself, please.

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