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Original poster

Heartbroken.. double life

41 replies

Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 15:26

Hi all

i am not sure why I am posting on here I am just all over the place at the moment and so heartbroken as I have discovered a few days ago that my on and off partner of 7 years has been in another on and off relationship for 10 years and has 2 children- one boy one girl aged 3 and 5 with this woman. He told me he had no children and I had no idea about any of this especially the children.

i found out through someone we both know who then told me who the woman was and I contacted her who told me everything and vice Versa. He does not live with this woman and hasn’t since before they had kids .. and they are not together both facts confirmed by her and him however their set up seems very weird and I don’t understand any of it but that’s not my concern tbh

His family knew about both of us but she was alot more involved in the family than I was. Something i questioned a lot and I wondered was there someone else but the kids element has floored me

our Rship was toxic. As is there’s from what she said but this still is the biggest betrayal and heart

Break I have ever experienced in my life.

he also coerced me to get an abortion when this other woman was about to give birth I know this as she has told me the dates the children were born. I spoke to him about wanting kids all the time, he told me he wasn’t ready yet little did I know he had them already

I confronted him, he denied it at first then admitted it. He said they are not together and it’s a co parenting Rship and he loves me , the very next day he told her I was nothing and I am lying

I haven’t spoken to him since I have came off social media and changed my number however im now finding this so hard and I feel so angry ! I know I’ll be better off out of this but I feel what type of sick person can lie for this long

so much more I could say but I don’t want this post to be to outing incase she is on here

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 08/03/2023 15:37

This is awful, and I’m so sorry your hurting.

You have done nothing wrong, it’s a reflection on him nobody else. It will hurt, but you will come out the other side stronger and happier I promise, is therapy an option to help you process what’s happened?

Original poster
Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 15:47

@LilLilLi I have been in therapy over him before numerous times tbh should have walked away ages ago but I didn’t. Luckily i am already on the waiting list for another round of therapy and should be starting that soon

the lies I just cannot believe he is a dad of two and a shit one at that according to her

OP posts:
Liveandforget · 08/03/2023 16:11

So sorry to hear this has happened to you.

He has cheated on you throughout your relationship. And he has been an awful father to two little children. He's a horrible human being. I really hope you've ended the relationship for good this time and don't plan to go back to him?

Hopefully counselling will provide support as you go forward and will help you not to be drawn back to this relationship.
Look after yourself, this is all on him, not you.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/03/2023 16:25

I don't want to be unkind, but I think you've been given a bankhanded gift here by finding out about this woman and her DC. If you've been in therapy already as this relationship was so shit then it's for the very best that you should split up. I know finding out he has DC must be a horrible shock, especially after he coerced you into an abortion, but think how awful it would be if you were tied together now- he's clearly a very poor father and partner.
I'm glad you've found your anger Op, that will help you move on, now you see him in his true colours.

HalliwellManor · 08/03/2023 16:30

So sorry to hear what you're going through,and sorry you were coersed into an abortion,but if he's a shit father anyway possibly it was for the best,at least you're not tied to this cretin for the next 18 years.It won't feel like it now,but one day you will look back and thank god you're free of him,and his lying manipulating self.
See this as closing a chapter on the last 7 years and start planning for your new life,lots of self love and self care,block,delete etc and concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy xx

Original poster
Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 16:32

I absolutely do not plan to go back never in a million years would I forgive or accept this type of betrayal he knows that as well . And as hard as it was at the time to make the decision regarding the abortion I’m so glad I don’t have kids with him

@Daleksatemyshed your not behind unkind everyone of my friends and family has said the same and I agree

it’s sick I used to talk to him about kids all the time and he would act very awkward and try and change the subject.. I just thought it was because he didn’t know if he wanted them. He’s been on holiday multiple times with her as well and I don’t even know how he got away with it. It must have been during off periods

we didn’t live together but he would stay at mine multiple times a week and in the early days when his first child was born he was at mine almost everyday !

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 08/03/2023 16:34

I shouldn’t be but I’m gobsmacked. Is it a power thing, he feels he’s controlling two women?
Whatever it is you’re well rid. Treat yourself kindly, if you can afford it treat yourself to something nice. Block him on everything of course. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 16:36

@Justmeandthedog1 you are not the only one who’s is gob smacked.. I was floored and so were my friends and family the woman on the other hand was not.. she said over the 10 years there has been multiple women she has found out.. that he sleeps around and never uses protection Etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 16:37

And thank god something told me to get tested throughout our Rship ! Last test was recent and all clear

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 08/03/2023 17:41

Just think how many more years you could have wasted on him Op, hoping for a faithful, happy relationship that would never have happened. People like your ex only change a bit when they're too old to keep running around and need a woman to look after them in their old age- mercifully, that woman will not be you!

thecatsarecrazy · 08/03/2023 19:03

I know it will hurt now but look at it as a blessing. There are some awful men out there. I was talking to a guy on social media, turned out he was talking to me and another woman and had valentines day plans with a 3rd. He text me and told me not to say anything about valentines to 2nd woman, But he blocked me so i thought ah fuck it and told her, we had a few chats and joked about him, he sent us both a d pic but turned out it wasn't even him. She seemed ok, then I found out she was telling him everything and they both blocked me. I had asked him in the conversations in the past if he had children. Fairly standard and he said no. Well I knew his full name and typed into Facebook. He in fact has at least 5 kids and has been at it for years. Wouldn't mind but he wasn't even anything to look at.

firstmummy2019 · 08/03/2023 19:57

What a God awful shock! He really must lack empathy to lie and gaslight for all these years. A dark, dark individual. I'm glad you are away from him.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2023 20:02

God what an arsehole. That’s just awful all those years of lying. It’s so tough but you really are well rid but doesn’t stop the pain you’re feeling right now

WidthofaLine · 08/03/2023 20:04

That takes a special kind of person to deny the existance of his own children, for what ? the adoration of his own dick and ego.

Ffs that's low.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 21:29

This happens (and has always happened) more than people think. In fact it was a lot easier in the past for men to have two relationships and often families without being caught.

I've noticed that some men always run at least two women. Not sure what it is about them but they can just never ever settle with only one woman.

Totally aside from the cheating/double life you say the relationship was toxic. It took up 7 yrs of your dating/relationship life. I'm not sure how old you are now but I'm going to be blunt .....

You've had 7 years of your relationship and potential child bearing years used up with this cheating double lifer who denied you kids (while having them himself) .... You don't have time to let it effect you adversely. It takes time to meet and build up a relationship with a partner and conceive kids. You don't want to rush into it without knowing someone well for a few years. So ..... Process this as quickly as you can and get out there in terms of meeting someone and moving towards your stated goal of having kids. Don't let him take any more time or energy than he already has.

He's clearly got some kind of personality disorder.

It takes a particular type of person to lead a double life. It takes, as another poster has painted out a very "special" kind of person indeed to deny their own kids existence. That is what you are dealing with. .. that level of integrity. It sounds like his children's mother hates him. Entirely understandably.

He's a bit of a psycho. You've had bad luck in encountering him , but you also stated involved inspire of it being toxic, and you need to learn your lessons from that.

Don't let him waste any more of your life, move on and forget about him. It would actually be worse if you were tied to him for life with a child. Instead you're free.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 21:31

*but you also stayed involved in spite of it being toxic, and you need to learn your lessons from that.

Workinghardeveryday · 08/03/2023 21:52

So sorry this has happened to you op.

like pp said, try as hard as it is to move on and find someone else, someone who deserves your kindness x

Original poster
Rosey1334p · 08/03/2023 22:54

Thanks for all the replies

im 32 and met him when I was 26 he is 37 so whilst I am still young I feel I have wasted a lot of my fertile years on him

I know I’m better off and I will be fine but right now the lies and deceit are so hard to comprehend also the fact he hasn’t even tried to explain himself or say anything to me just makes me think he’s playing happy families with her and whilst there’s nothing happy about their set up the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach he is clearly more bothered about how she is feeling than me

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 23:27

*she said over the 10 years there has been multiple women she has found out.. that he sleeps around and never uses protection Etc

..... He does not live with this woman and hasn’t since before they had kids .. and they are not together both facts confirmed by her*

Yeah, he clearly cares a lot about her feelings.

And not sure how he's playing happy families.

He cares about one person and one person only.

He's not said anything to you because you've found everything out and he's been exposed and there's no point in lying any further. And all he'd have for you is lies. So what could he say?

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 23:28

32 is a good age for moving in and still having time to build a relationship with a new partner and get to know each other for a decent period of time before TTC.

Reigateforever · 08/03/2023 23:46

I sorry for what you are going through at the moment but at 32 you are young, forget him, the liar is not worth your time. It’s a good escape from what it seems would have been a life of misery. Go out and enjoy yourself with friends and put this down as experience.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/03/2023 00:08

You’ve still got loads of fertile years left - please don’t waste another second on this loser.

Thank your lucky stars you aren’t tied to him with children. Repulsive specimen.

Original poster
Rosey1334p · 09/03/2023 00:15

Makes me sick that someone can tell this level of lies and he still lied at first when I found out and then the next day went straight to her and lied about me aswell?

she also wouldn't stop txting me seemed like she wasn’t shocked at all by this news said she’d seen me calling his phone a few times and that she knew there was someone else but then in the next breath said they aren’t together anyway. Told me I could call her anyone time and to keep in touch like wtf. ! ?

i know all the ins and outs don’t matter and bottom line is he’s lowest of the low and utter scum

OP posts:
Moser85 · 09/03/2023 00:22

Scumbag and his family should be ashamed for going along with it.

TicketBoo23 · 09/03/2023 00:29

she said over the 10 years there has been multiple women she has found out.

Well she wouldn't have been shocked at the need, would she?

It's par for the course for him to cheat clearly.

It was just yet another woman.

He's a real Jeremy Kyle contestant.

said she’d seen me calling his phone a few times and that she knew there was someone else but then in the next breath said they aren’t together anyway

Who knows what the situation is there. If she used the words "someone else" then she's not being entirely honest about then not being together (as much as you can be together with a man who's always with other women) ..... It's not your circus, not your monkeys. She's in the extremely unfortunate position of being stuck with two young kids by this specimen. He thankful you are not.

Leave them to their mess - she might only be offering to speak to you to glean info ... If she was still "with" him to any extent.

If she's caught him.with multiple women over 10 years, then she's stayed or got back with him through multiple infidelities. Do it's possible she has or will again.