Who do I choose?

[Holly8596]

I need some perspective please - I'm going to sound crazy but I can't clear my mind enough to get to a sensible decision.

Me and my ex were together for 7 years and we've been apart for nearly a year. We're still living together while trying to sell our house but I'll be moving out soon as we constantly argue. Our relationship has been volatile - we broke up because he always followed girls on social media and sliding into peoples DMs. Even when I used to sit down and tell him how bad it made me feel he still did it. He also changed his mind 4 times about me throughout our relationship. The whole thing has left me feeling insecure and at rock bottom. There's also been emotional and physical abuse.

I started seeing someone new around 4 months ago and he's the total opposite. We get on well , he's funny and he genuinely cares about me and I feel the same. The only thing that holds me back slightly is that he is still trying to get his life sorted ie: living with his mum and he's quite laid back. I don't want to throw myself into something that won't go anywhere. But he is genuinely amazing.

My ex is now saying that he loves me and misses me. He wants to try again and he said he'll be better. I can't deny I still love my ex but so many cruel words have been said I just don't how we could ever move forward. My friends and family hate him because of what he's put me through and they think he's controlling. He wants to marry me and have kids - everything I want. He's now also been with someone else and says he regrets it. I just feel so angry with him - he put us in this situation in the first place and now he wants it all back. I know I can't be angry with him because he's been with someone else as I've done the same but I am.

I can't work out if it's the life with him I miss and I'm tempted back to or if it's because I still love him and I want it to work. I'm just not sure if I can risk putting myself back in a situation where he lets me down again. He seems genuine but how do I know he is? I think about the new guy I'm seeing and he makes me happy so why do I still feel like there's unfinished business with my ex? Why haven't I just got the strength to let him go?

Just- step away from your ex.
He lacks respect for you, and you can’t have a healthy relationship without it.

Maybe you should spend some time on your own, and figuring out what you really want

He’s playing mind games. This on/off, hot/cold, love/hate aspect of your relationship is NEVER going to resolve itself. The pattern of your relationship is set; he might correct his behaviour in a brand new relationship. Maybe. But with you, he knows he can treat you like crap, apologise and return … that’s not a man you want as a life partner, that’s not a man you want as a father and role model to you kids.

Honestly your best bet is: block your ex. Don’t engage. Let your heart heal, without him jerking your chain.

Your new man might not be a forever type, but enjoy him treating you well, learn to stand up for yourself and demand respect as a bare minimum. And then your life will improve and you’ll look back and realise your ex was a huge mistake.

Neither. Your ex is using and abusing your love for him. That means you still have feelings. Don’t mix a perfectly nice person up with this. Deal with your split before you leap into another relationship.

Your ex is playing games. Read back all the negative hints you have said about him. He is jealous that you are moving on. Keep moving on and don’t go back to him! He won’t change.

Neither. The right person for you would stand out a mile from all other contenders. If there's a 'who should I choose??', it's always 'neither'.

Neither of these guys sound like much of a catch, are they the best you can do?

Neither. Your "ex" (it's not really is it) is messy and your current guy is not ready. Take a breather. Wait and see if you can find a better fit.

Also, there's been abuse...
No. Not "also" love, this is the red line. Never never get back with this man.

How many more times are you going to post about your ex and ignore the advice you’re being given?

There's no guarantee that anyone can do better, but a minimum standard is important. And that should include feeling loved, safe, secure, prioritised, that you've got each other's backs, etc., sine may never find that, but living with less is soul destroying.

Go and follow Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram or read her book Block, Delete, Move-on and gain some knowledge on red flags. Then go ahead and put this crappy man in the bin (your ex that is!) your friends and family have him sussed and you'll have a lifetime of misery if you keep on entertaining this one

The ex is obviously a total @&£#. Do not go back there. Ever.
The new guy sounds promising initially. Is the only problem that he lives with parents? That is normal where I live as there are no private rentals at all. If he's intending to move out, fine. Maybe if your relationship progresses that will be a good 'deadline' for moving out. You'll have to discuss it with him and see what his plans are.
PS being laid back isn't in itself a bad thing! It depends what effects it has. Chilled out/go with the flow is fine, and often means the person is really easy to be with and less quick to anger. If however you mean he has no get up and go/never wants to leave the house, not so good. That's not really laid back though is it, more totally apathetic to life! Sorry for waffling, but sure you get the drift 😁

This shouldn’t be a choice. There is a third option, spending a bit of time on your own. Obviously you should not get back with the ex, that was a bad relationship. And it is not fair on the new person to string him along whilst you are even considering the ex and would say you still love him.

Why do you have to choose between either guy, why not sell the house move out and get your own place.

Live the life you want, if it works out with the mummy's boy, good on yer and you're happy, if not move on BUT your ex is your ex for a reason, move forward not backwards. He had his chance, if he got away treating you like crap before, what's to stop him again.

Obviously don’t date or breed with a male who’s already assaulted and abused you. Do you need a boyfriend? Sounds like you need to do work on yourself first: bare minimum standards, how to spot obvious red flags, how to not fall for scum talking absolute drivel to lure you back in.

Once you’ve worked on yourself, your standards should be far higher, and you should only consider dating a high quality, functioning, non abusive man.

A domestic abuser offering to impregnate you should have been so viscerally repugnant to you, but you’re pondering if it’s a great idea or not?? Have you done the Freedom Project, or any therapy yet?

As others have said , neither. The guy who lives with his mum sounds great compared to the other arsehole. But really you can do better than both of them. Make the effort and take ownership if your life, don't settle for suboptimal outcomes

Neither. And you need help for yourself to build up some self worth and self confidence.

Choose yourself

You sound as if you have to make a permanent choice now, and have to choose one of these two. But you don't have to choose anyone now, and you don't have to weigh up these two against one another.

After 4 months with the new guy, you hardly know him. You don't have to "choose" him. That's the kind of decision you make when you're ready to walk up the aisle with someone. Get to know him, and if at some point you decide he's not the one for you, then break up with him. Him being "better" or "worse" than your ex is not what you should be basing that decision on. All that counts is whether you enjoy being with him. No pleasure, no relationship.

Definitely not the ex, he's one of those men that don't appreciate what they have until it's gone and honestly he won't change who he is so you'll be back to square one when it doesn't work out again. It's only been 4 months with the new guy, a bit early to tell if you can build a life together yet but if you feel you can progress, keep it going.

When you're not sure, the answer is usually because it's neither.

The fact you listed the physical abuse from your ex LAST in your list is really telling. You'd benefit from being single for a while and working on your boundaries and self esteem. You don't need a rebound relationship right now.

Definitely not your ex.

To be honest, neither sound great if you're looking for a mature husband/father.

Choosing Between an abusive narcissist ex and a guy who lives in his mum’s basement is ine tough choice 🤣, I would probably chose neither and continue looking. Sounds like you need to raise the bar a bit OP ( unless the reason for the guy living in his mind basement is a genuine solid one like he’s home burnt down or something in the lines off).

Keep looking. Ex is gross. New guy is lazy. Choose to be selective. Honestly, it'll feel liberating.