Who do I choose?

[Holly8596]

I need some perspective please - I'm going to sound crazy but I can't clear my mind enough to get to a sensible decision.

Me and my ex were together for 7 years and we've been apart for nearly a year. We're still living together while trying to sell our house but I'll be moving out soon as we constantly argue. Our relationship has been volatile - we broke up because he always followed girls on social media and sliding into peoples DMs. Even when I used to sit down and tell him how bad it made me feel he still did it. He also changed his mind 4 times about me throughout our relationship. The whole thing has left me feeling insecure and at rock bottom. There's also been emotional and physical abuse.

I started seeing someone new around 4 months ago and he's the total opposite. We get on well , he's funny and he genuinely cares about me and I feel the same. The only thing that holds me back slightly is that he is still trying to get his life sorted ie: living with his mum and he's quite laid back. I don't want to throw myself into something that won't go anywhere. But he is genuinely amazing.

My ex is now saying that he loves me and misses me. He wants to try again and he said he'll be better. I can't deny I still love my ex but so many cruel words have been said I just don't how we could ever move forward. My friends and family hate him because of what he's put me through and they think he's controlling. He wants to marry me and have kids - everything I want. He's now also been with someone else and says he regrets it. I just feel so angry with him - he put us in this situation in the first place and now he wants it all back. I know I can't be angry with him because he's been with someone else as I've done the same but I am.

I can't work out if it's the life with him I miss and I'm tempted back to or if it's because I still love him and I want it to work. I'm just not sure if I can risk putting myself back in a situation where he lets me down again. He seems genuine but how do I know he is? I think about the new guy I'm seeing and he makes me happy so why do I still feel like there's unfinished business with my ex? Why haven't I just got the strength to let him go?

I would choose your own self and give both these men here a wide swerve.

Work on rebuilding your life without these men in it; you do not need a man to validate you and besides which your boundaries are still well off beam due to your ex's abusive behaviours towards you. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous poor relationship experience, have not much improved since meeting this current man who lives with his mother (because he wants to and it suits him to do so). The phrase "failure to launch" springs to mind.

Love your own self for a change; its all too obvious you do not. Look at enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme; this is for those who have been in abusive relationships previously.

What on earth did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Unlearn the crap you have learnt along the way re relationships via counselling because you cannot afford to keep on making the same old relationship mistakes over and over again.

@Holly8596 did you know it is much harder to leave an abusive relationship than a healthy relationship? Intermittent reinforcement ìs when 'rewards' are given randomly and less frrquently, and it makes people unconsciously more fixated on trying to get the rewards, so in an abusive relationship you keep wanting to get the 'good' parts back. Realise that the 'good times' are part of a larger pattern of manipulation to keep you stuck, it is part of the psychological abuse that makes you confused about whether you ought to stay and keep trying. Teal Swan has a good you tube video on imtermittent reinforcement in relationships and also watch this:

I'd venture that if the answer to this question isn't blindingly obviously NEITHER, then you're not ready to be dating again at all. Spend some time on your own rather than go back to a twat who treats you badly or waste the time of someone you're not really into.

Don’t get back with your ex. This is somebody who has physically and emotionally abused you and left you feeling absolutely rock bottom. He doesn’t love you if he can do that to you…. Perhaps you are in love with the idea of what you want him to be, but the reality is somewhat different.

Given that you are even remotely considering your vile ex.........

Choose neither and get some counselling, do the Freedom Program etc. You are not currently equipped to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You can fix that with support and time. If you get back with the ex you might as well throw what is left of your self-esteem in the nearest skip.

How the heck do you have a relationship with someone when you live with your ex and he lives with his mum?

My ex is now saying that he loves me and misses me. He wants to try again and he said he'll be better.

First of all, this is extremely common, I know it makes you feel like you must have had something special, but all over the world tonight there are toxic people trying to win over their exes with false promises. Some will fall for it and the vast, vast majority will regret it when they see their ex has not changed.

You said there was also physical and emotional abuse, has he had intensive therapy since you've been apart? I doubt it!!

Don't get back with your ex. Date the new guy casually and see how it goes, you don't have to go all in at this point.

My ex is now saying that he loves me and misses me. He wants to try again and he said he'll be better.

Your abuser is love-bombing, future faking & Hoovering you.
It will last until he chooses to put you in the Discard phase of the cycle of abuse, for the 5th time:
He also changed his mind 4 times about me throughout our relationship.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

The only thing that holds me back slightly is that he is still trying to get his life sorted ie: living with his mum and he's quite laid back. I don't want to throw myself into something that won't go anywhere. But he is genuinely amazing.
So amazing that one word from your ex has you considering the option of dumping him, & returning to a life of abuse?

You need to slow the fuck down.
You've known New Man for 4 months, you are clearly not over your ex, (that's normal btw - it takes TIME & DISTANCE to recover from abuse), yet here you are hankering over a serious relationship with a guy you barely know.
You need to focus on yourself for a long time before fantasising about setting up in a new relationship. Do The Freedom Programme, read Why Does He Do That, live totally independently for at least a year.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0399148442