He's left totally blindsided is there more to this.

[Digger89]

My husband of 9 years has walked out of the family home leaving me with DD
He's said he loves me but I clearly don't love him as I'm never happy.l do love him but he seems to want to act like I don't for some reason. We have rowed recently about the fact he does nothing in the home to help. I've explained this to him but when I do he then changed his tact to he's not allowed a life and I stop him going out. For context he's a workaholic ,I've never stopped him doing anything let alone go out and feel he's looking for any reason to leave.
I'm at uni in my second year of degree, I work part time( something he encouraged me to do) and cannot financially manage alone , we own our house and although the mortgage is not massive it's still nearly all of my part time salary.
He's coming back in mornings to see little one and at nights but it's causing disruption and I feel if he wants to go he should and we then need to have proper arrangements. We have her birthday Saturday and he wants to play happy families at the party. I don't think I should have to as he's caused all of this.
I suppose I just need advice from people who have any experience of this as to where I go next. I have no family nearby and no one really to turn to.

I'm sorry to hear this, OP. The obvious question - do you think he might have someone else?

I don't know is the honest answer . Maybe he is just unhappy . I can't see how he would have time but stranger things have happened.

I would be suspicious of the 'you don't love me' line - trying to put the blame on you. The usual advice is to 'get your ducks in a row' legally - I am sure someone with more experience will be along to give you more specific advice

I’d get the party over and done with and then let him know that you can’t have him coming over daily. It doesn’t allow you time to get used to the situation or move on. Very difficult for you if you can’t afford the mortgage, bills etc on your part time salary. You might have to consider other options unless he will pay the mortgage until you graduate and able to get a full time job, but that’s some time off. Do you want to save the marriage? Would he go to marriage counselling?

I think the house will have to be sold and then money split but obviously working apart time would mean I probably wouldn't get a mortgage . I honestly don't know if I do , I'm sick of being the bad guy , he also has really upset my little one which has made me see how selfish he is.
Legally I'm not sure where I stand as we jointly own the house but he pays the mortgage

I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the age-old “you’re so unhappy, you don’t love me, it’s your fault, you’re forcing me to go,” bollocks where he gets to blame you to alleviate his guilt over the fact that he’s met someone else. He can tell himself, and probably anyone that will listen, that you drove him to it.

It’s cruel, it’s so unfair, and it’s so common.

You have been married 9 years and you jointly own the house. It is not relevant who 'pays' the mortgage.

Go and see a solicitor and find out your options.

Sorry your H has done this to you. Expect another woman to appear pretty soon.

That sounds so tough OP. If he's moved out he needs to stop coming and going as he pleases. Start telling people that he has left, his reaction will tell you if he is just "trying this out" at your emotional expense.

You are married, you have rights. You need to see a solicitor asap. Don't assume you can't afford to split up - my sisters solicitor negotiated that she remain in the house for three years to allow her to re-establish her career etc before it was sold and they then split the proceeds. she also has a large chunk of his pension. Of course this all depends on how much money he earns/ has. My sisters solicitor used a forensic accountant who found a savings account she didn't even know about.

Don't assume anything until you've taken legal advice.

He earns around 3k per month ...never seems to have any money though. Will I have to pay to have an initial conversation with a solicitor? We have a car ,it's about 300 a month and it's in my name. I cannot afford to pay for it , what can I do there ?

Sorry to hear this OP, its not uncommon for people who leave to try and blame their partners and make them feel like it's their fault. Presumably if you were blindsided he hasn't ever spoken to you about these things and so how could you work to address them (although tbh his reasons ie helping round the house seem like he would rather leave than bother to contribute to family life).

Personally I would have an open and honest conversation, see if it can be saved and if not then plan to speak to a solicitor to make sure you get what you are entitled to financially.

Understandably, you're spinning which I totally get.

But just take a breath. You can control this and you can take it at a pace that suits you.

Firstly, it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage, your home is a joint asset. As you say, it will probably have to be sold but not necessarily. You could extend the mortgage to buy DH out, or you could negotiate a settlement where you keep the house till you finish uni, using your part-time wages and maintenance from DH to cover the mortgage. For this to work there has to be something to negotiate against - so DH keeps something he really values (his pension?) and you get longer in the house.

Or it's sold, you keep half the proceeds for a deposit and rent until you've finished your course and got a post-qualification job.

I can't stress enough how much you a) need legal advice and b) need to take control. If DH has moved out then he's out - no happy families or weekend sleepovers.

Where has he moved out to ?

Ok - so you both own the family home. He will have to continue paying the mortgage until this is sorted out, so don’t panic.

you may have to sell further down the line, but don’t worry about this now.

You are entitled to half the assets. I’m assuming that you are the main carer? If so, he will also have to pay maintenance.

Speak to a lawyer. Do you have any joint savings? It’s going to cost you for an initial discussion, but it’s worth it.

Id also consider asking to defer your degree for the moment and work full time, get yourself onto a new mortgage and then reassess your finances.

Well this isn't entirely true

Whilst his name is on the mortgage if he stops paying there is nothing you can do - you can't force him to pay. if your name is also on the mortgage you are jointly responsible for the payments - the bank doesn't care who pays it so long as it's getting paid

Being entitled to half the house is also not a given albeit a starting point

CMS is also not a given if you share custody of the children 50/50

OP you need to start thinking short to medium term - working part time/ studying - you'll be expected to support yourself. You can't rely on your current set up being able to continue - studying as an adult and with children is a luxury really and he is under no obligation to continue to support you.

You can get financial support as a student though, I wouldn't recommend dropping out unless you've checked with UC and SFE (maybe even ask CAB) that it would actually be unaffordable- what a waste.

Thanks for the feedback everyone he is at a family members at the moment . He has said we dont have to leave but how long that continues for I don't know .
In terms of my degree he was the one who actually encouraged me to go part time at work and concentrate on my studies ,I'm now wishing I hadn't and just continued part time studying. M yyear ends in May so I will keep going until then as I can't see things being sorted in 8 weeks.
I'm exhausted just can't process anything.

Contact universal credits and the council for a reduction in the council tax and explain the situation, as a student you may not need to pay council tax. Also speak to your personal supervisor at uni, you may wish to apply for mitigation to help with some of the pressure. Your husband can't make you leave or sell while you have a child under 18. Try and be practical in the begin, once you've got finances and childcare sorted you can concentrate on dealing with the relationship break down.

Remember to be kind to yourself

but if OP can’t afford the repayments and DH refuses to pay, they both ultimately lose the house and the equity in it.

certainly, he can do this, but it wouldn’t be in his interests. He’d have trouble getting another mortgage in the future if the home was repossessed.

so theoretically, he could do this, but he’d be an idiot.

The 50/50 is a starting point, but with kids involved and the OP needing somewhere to live, she’s in a good position to get that.

My personal view is that he is playing a power game. Which is immature and dickish between two adults but a disgrace for a father to do it with a child in the middle.

I think he is relying on you feeling financially vulnerable and telling him he must come back because of his earnings. This will be his cue to tell you that his contribution is the most important and you should be doing all the housework and childcare.

I would call him out on this. But I would do it in a powerful way. At the moment you can claim CMS from him so do it. I don’t know how UC would work if you have student income but if you can claim then do claim.

As others have pointed out you have a child and have been married a fair few years. Anything you both own is a joint marital asset. That’s equity, savings, pensions and investments but don’t forget debt. A divorce will split these assets up according to need.

Your need is greater than his because you decided as a couple that you should work PT and study. You will get a bigger share of assets. But you may also be able to secure other consideration which include

• deferring the sale of the house until you can afford to house yourself and your child. Generally you would be expected to pay the mortgage but sometimes in extreme circumstances he is directed to pay it. Given he has a middling income I would be dubious about him being directed to pay the mortgage.
• Spousal maintenance, this would probably be timelimited. It’s generally not used because it impacts on UC entitlement which is a better option for many woman. Again depending on how you are supported as a student, UC may or may not be available.

As he has left the family home you can claim benefits and CMS. Put in the claim for CMS. It could be c£400+ per month.

What you have to remember in this power play is that he hasn’t considered the financial impact. Eventually he will want a place of his own and will need to pay rent on top of CMS.

The paying of the mortgage is one where the biggest bluffer wins. Tell him he will have to pay it as you can’t afford it. Tell you aren’t bothered about getting another mortgage because you can’t afford one and will be renting.

@LemonTT thank you for the advice. I agree with everything you are saying. He has said several times you need me, you don't think you do but you do. I actually dont need all the drama! My concern is my DC and I will investigate all avenues so I can support her alone.

Oh and I get no help from student finance apart from tuition. I'm not eligible for student loans as he earns too much . This may change now and again I will have a look into it .

I thought that might be the case. Start your CMS and UC claims. There are online calculators that will give you an idea of additional income. Check those out as it will make you feel empowered.

This is also not resorting to his game playing. It is asserting yourself. I would however call him out on what he is doing. He can deny it but you are allowed to believe it. Just tell him you will be doing everything to ensure your child has stability and security and protected from childish games.

Oh, you should also apply for an occupation order for the house. That will keep him out. If he wants to see the child he can make his own arrangements.

@LemonTT thank you, you seem very knowledgeable and I will look at this also. He turned up at 6am this morning before work to see DD , then left upsetting things again. I've messaged and said I don't want him doing that and I will pack enough things for a few days if he wants to collect them when she is asleep or send someone for them . I can't have my child put through the ringer.

It's only another year (assuming its an English UG degree) - I think this is bad advice for the long term. Getting her qualification will open up her earning power. It's worth a year of struggle to be able to earn £££ in the future, given she's now on her own.