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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Appropriate response to this

49 replies

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 00:33

Last year I had a very exciting short lived "relationship " with a guy.

He is autistic and he ended things very weirdly, suddenly and without warning.

The sex was great . I really liked him . But he said he needed to go into counselling because he had just craved the security of a relationship and had got in too deep with me too fast then cut me dead .

Today he text me out of the blue . It was friendly but weird so I asked outright what he wanted .

He basically said he was single again and wanted a shag . No relationship. Just a fwb arrangement if I could keep my attachments and emotions out of it .

Not heard from him for a year .

I'm 51 and been single ever since , through choice . Expanded my friendships circles and hobbies . Full life . But single .

What would you're response have been please !?

OP posts:

Hotvimto3 · 08/03/2023 00:37

Dont respond. Just block and delete. Hes selfish and hard work.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2023 00:38

Our response is irrelevant because we aren't you. We don't know what you want and we all might want different things.

If you want a no strings fuck buddy, go for it. If you don't, block and move on. No response needed.

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 00:39

Block

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 00:51

He hurt me the first time . Said a load of shite and lied and hooked me in . He was using swinging sites for sex before he saw me .

Ive just said I aren't getting back into his fucked up patterns of behaviour. (His patterns are fucked up - throws himself into relationships full pelt , wants more kids , no breathing space then suddenly backs off and ends it - he knows this and went into counselling when he ended our relationship) I Said I'm single through choice and not willing to be the stand in until something better comes Along.
My life is truly full now and I don't need to feel used for sex - no matter how good it was that would be the underlying feeling because that's all he wants )

I've been reasonably polite and explained this . He's right back at square one from what he said when he ended it with me . I'm feeling if he just wants sex he can go back on the swinging sites and leave my emotions alone . He knew I liked him . He's quite willing to use me as a shag piece until he finds what he's looking g for which Is for the record - unattainable.

I e resisted the urge to fuck off - explained that it wouldn't work for me and explained I aren't getting dragged into this pattern of behaviour (this is
Typically him - just falls from one unsuitable relationship to
Another and cannot live without sex !).

No. I don't want that . Im fine single . Im not the sub. Yes he's been honest about it but it's not
For me . I've never ruled out another relationship or friendship but it needs to
be meaningful. I'd feel cheap and I'd probably end up wanting more . And he's a selfish dick .

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2023 01:06

So you've obviously blocked him now, correct?

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:10

Yes , I explained my position and blocked
Then unblocked
Then blocked again

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:11

I guess I felt slightly conflicted.

OP posts:

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:11

people that are autistic present with a wide spectrum of behaviours, so you need to understand whether his behaviours are something you can accommodate as it’s not a one size fits all approach. If it’s working for you, cut him off. You don’t have to date him, he isn’t your only option. You might need to put yourself out there to meet other potential dates.

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:11

*not working

macbooks · 08/03/2023 01:12

what’s there to be conflicted about? If you can’t separate feelings from sex, you shouldn’t consider having sex with him as you’re going to get your feelings hurt.

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:16

I've been on line dating for 3 years and it just doesn't work for me . Hundreds of dates so stopped last year.

I was conflicted because I did genuinely like him and the sex was great but I suspect that was his clinical approach to finding what worked ,!

If he had said he had realised he wanted to see me again I'd have probably seen him but the fact he just wanted sex put me off .

There was no recognition of the fact he hurt me with the brutality of how he ended it . Just a "I'm single again now so would you like to meet up for fun sex like we used to have but can you keep your emotions and attachments out of it "

Clinical and emotionless . I'm too old for that .

OP posts:

evemillbank · 08/03/2023 01:17

The best response to this is no response at all.

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:21

My son is autistic so I think I felt familiar with him and I suspect I'm on the spectrum but at the lower end of the spectrum , I definitely felt a familiarity but the lack of attachment was hurtful and brutal .

Especially after the bullshit he fed me . I think he believed what he was saying until he woke up one day and decided it was all bullshit .

I appreciated his honesty but I would have probably just got attached again .

I think I'd rather stay single unless someone meaningful appears rather than feel like a shag piece , at the time I didn't know that's what I was because he was talking about a future and barely left my side .

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:23

Anyway I e said my piece .

My friend was desperate for me to tell him to fuck off but I was more polite than that.

Just explained my position and wished him luck

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:29

I wish he hadn't contacted me because I felt tempted to meet him but then common sense kicked in .

Yes id just get hurt . He doesn't want me - he wants sex .

OP posts:

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 07:03

He was using swinging sites for sex before he saw me.

He should go back on there, I stesd of messaging you.

He messed you around, future faked you by the sounds of it, and dumped you cruelly..... If he had a shred of decency he would leave you alone, instead of contacting out if the blue again with a proposal for a fuck.

He's got issues beyond issues, and his behaviour is ridiculous; if you were Fwb before, maybe .... But it sounds like you weren't. You were in what you thought (what he gave you to think) was a relationship, until he decided it wasn't.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 07:04

Even fwb usually require more politeness and respect than he's given.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 07:10

I suppose he's not trying to get women for shagging through swinging because the proportion of women to men is minute, and he's probably pissed off most his prospects in that tiny pool with shit behaviour by now.

I recently signed up to fab swingers entirely to have a curious gander at what, if anything, happens in my parochial, rural region and appear to have 100 messages from men within a day; I have no photo in there and have got my age a year older (late 40s).

The desperation is palpable.

Apparently loads of swinger meets won't have any single men allowed, and others a very limited number (for example, only enough to match the tiny number of single women attending). Couples in the reviews describe any single men present following them around and trying to have sex with the female half in any location they think they have a chance, sometimes without clear consent.

It's evidently not a scene that's easy for single men....and his behaviour is so poor and his communication so blunt that he'd have trouble getting a single woman to accompany him so he could go as a "couple" too.

How sad.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 07:14

The one good thing about him is that he's too blunt etc to even lie or bullshit around his intentions.

He also doesn't even have the empathy to imagine how a woman who he's treated shittily in the past would react when he contacts then and says he wants a shag off them.

He's an absolute dud. You were too polite in your response, but you're clearly a nice person.

barmycatmum · 08/03/2023 07:18

Being autistic does not excuse shit behavior and being an asshole.

just block. I wouldn’t have said a word to him.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 07:19

AnyaMarx · 08/03/2023 01:29

I wish he hadn't contacted me because I felt tempted to meet him but then common sense kicked in .

Yes id just get hurt . He doesn't want me - he wants sex .

That's a natural knee jerk reaction when you were in an apparent relationship with someone, it apparently had a future, and you caught feelings for them (which is especially easy to do if the sex is decent) .... And are then dumped seemingly out of the blue. I think in those circumstances most of us long for that person tomcone back and say they've made a bad mistake, have had a mH break, blah blah and remove that painful rejection etc.

It's a very good thing that his personality had led him to be honest about why he got back in touch and not let you believe he regretted ending the relationship and wanted the chance to try again.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2023 07:37

Well it depends if you want a FWB situation? I’ve been seeing someone for the last few months and the sex has been amazing. I think it’s over but I have wondered what I’d think about meeting up for sex if we are both single but I don’t think that would work for me. If it had been that from the start maybe, but I don’t think I can reverse feelings and just have sex with him every so often (as nice as that would be). I’d just say thanks, but no thanks

NevieSticks · 08/03/2023 07:46

@AnyaMarx I can tell that you are tempted and you seem to think that he might change even though you are repeating the words that he won't etc. Any communication like this is poisonous for you so ideally you should have blocked him. Sometimes people like contact with men like this even if it is negative - as anything is better than nothing? You have risen to his bait no matter how pathetic it is. Do yourself a favour and block him and tell yourself he is in the past.

Ooompaloopa · 08/03/2023 08:05

I am worried that you were / are tempted by the crumbs of a ‘situationship’ that he is offering.

It seems you felt obliged to explain to him why you are not interested - is this because you hoped he would understand and then offer more?

I am concerned that you are not deeply angry and insulted. Maybe some therapy might help - especially as you have done a lot to bolster your external world in the past year.

IMHO this man was and would continue to be an absolute emotional disaster for you. You deserve better. And being on your own is waaaaaay better than this. He’s offering you less than before.

Watchkeys · 08/03/2023 08:23

Don't engage with people who are disrespectful to you.

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