How bloody red is this flag!

Soohit · 2023-03-07T19:00:12+00:00

My new boyfriend's mum... MUM... warned me off him. And not in a mean way but in a "I hope he's nicer to you than all the others" way. She then said "he can be very kind, he just doesn't always show it" and pleaded with me to give him a chance. F***** hell. I was having doubts anyway, nothing related to this, but bloody heck!

Tuilpmouse · 07/03/2023 19:03

If you were having doubts anyway, then fair enough.... But there's a chance his Mum does this to all his girlfriends as she hates the thought of losing her little boy!

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 07/03/2023 19:04

‘See ya!’

qqq82 · 07/03/2023 19:04

What were your original doubts ?

NomadicSpirit · 07/03/2023 19:06

Lol - with friends / relatives like her, who needs enemies 😂

Though as a PP has said, bear in mind that his mum might not be telling the truth. The father of my partner tried to scare me off and I ignored him.

...well that's not true, I didn't ignore him, I got pissed off and bloody minded and thought "I'll show you"

...if only I'd listened 😉

AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 19:08

Depends what your concerns were. I wouldn't take his Mum's word as you don't know the motive behind it.

Although I suppose it's either she's telling the truth or you have a crazy future MIL! Neither seem very appealing, sorry!

Original poster

Soohit · 07/03/2023 19:19

The doubts are unrelated - and outing!
I think she'd bloody love a daughter in law, if I'm honest.

So inclined to believe her... also she'd be one hella actress.
But they didn't paint him in a great light. I mean... she more or less said he had an evil side. I'm not joking.

OP posts:

Pseudonamed · 07/03/2023 19:24

My ex husbands mother warned me against him when I met her. I felt sorry for him with his mother talking like that about him and married him anyway.

Biggest regret is not listening to her.

gelatogina · 07/03/2023 19:26

That’s the reddest flag I’ve ever heard of!

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 19:26

I’d be inclined to believe her. She’s probably told you as he’s always getting dumped and she wanted to plead with you in advance. I’d be taking her word and waving goodbye in all honestly. Especially as you’ve got a few red flags waving at you anyway

Loocheeyar · 07/03/2023 19:29

Please listen to her . She may have been worrying about this since he was quite young . I am about my children due to issues and I’m not joking and I love my boys immensely . But there are instabilities and issues which do come out .
She won’t be wrong on this
But whatever issues he has he should never take them out on you . They aren’t your issues .

purplediscolove · 07/03/2023 19:29

Oh believe me I wish I’d listened to everyone around me and now I’m sat here with a 15 month old to a nutcase. I would probably stick around until he shows you his first red flag and then run because I’d have to see it for myself however it does become harder to leave. Look after yourself and your mental health

Original poster

Soohit · 07/03/2023 19:31

Yeah, the thing is. I kind of do believe her. Because she was saying it in a way like "don't discount him because of this" (in a pleading way) but so far he's not proven any of this behaviour. But now I'm wondering why she would bother mentioning anything?! It's mad, I know. My previous boyfriend's mum just endlessly listed her favourite dog breeds.

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BT11 · 07/03/2023 19:35

My ex's family have me subtle warnings like "he's very deep and a bit of a wanderer" or "he's very intense with his feelings" or "he's never been one to settle down" "you know, he talks a lot about what the meaning of life is" etc.

I thought he was a bit dark and mysterious. But he was an arrogant, delusional weirdo.

The guy was a knob and I wasted 6 years fully working it out 🤣

Take the advice and run!

Turnipworkharder · 07/03/2023 19:36

Two choices OP wait and see for the behaviour changes, or just finish it.

If you believe his Mum is stating the truth and not trying to stop you 'stealing her boy ' then heed her advice.

Original poster

Soohit · 07/03/2023 19:36

@purplediscolove I'm sorry about your boys. That's my feeling. She knows him better than most, she's his mum. On the surface he's deeply charming and very easy-going.

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AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 19:41

Soohit · 07/03/2023 19:19

The doubts are unrelated - and outing!
I think she'd bloody love a daughter in law, if I'm honest.

So inclined to believe her... also she'd be one hella actress.
But they didn't paint him in a great light. I mean... she more or less said he had an evil side. I'm not joking.

That's not good so she is likely just preempting his behaviour. It's such a shame because it's so difficult when you love your child but know they aren't the best. If she's being truthful she sounds lovely letting you know, but unfortunately for her this is your life and your relationship. I'd have expected at the very least he had done some work on himself if he has had relationship issues in the past, not his poor Mum trying to fix things. Likely she just wants him to be nice, settle down and give her grandchildren.

My exes Mum was the opposite. It was always HIS exes fault...which is another red flag!

BertHandsome · 07/03/2023 19:59

Tuilpmouse · 07/03/2023 19:03

If you were having doubts anyway, then fair enough.... But there's a chance his Mum does this to all his girlfriends as she hates the thought of losing her little boy!

Still a red flag. The one that doesn’t pay attention will be the future woman on MN posting about her nightmare MIL lol

Mumsanetta · 07/03/2023 20:02

purplediscolove · 07/03/2023 19:29

Oh believe me I wish I’d listened to everyone around me and now I’m sat here with a 15 month old to a nutcase. I would probably stick around until he shows you his first red flag and then run because I’d have to see it for myself however it does become harder to leave. Look after yourself and your mental health

@purplediscolove if you wish you had listened to everyone why would you advise OP to stick around until he shows his first red flag? Have you not learned your lesson?!

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 07/03/2023 20:05

Run. Run like you’ve got a firework shoved up your arse.

ShakespearesBlister · 07/03/2023 20:13

I had this with an ex too. It was their own mum who warned me to be careful because she thought they might be using me. I should have listened. Sometimes mum's see how unpleasant their children can be to partners and are prepared to speak out. Listen to her x

Newnamenewname109870 · 07/03/2023 20:15

If you had doubts anyway, then whatever those things are will only get magnified.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 07/03/2023 20:33

@Soohit wow what warning. I'd listen to her. Sounds like she's seen enough of his previous relationships to voice concern.

Was this the first time you've met her? If not may be she had building up to saying something to you.

I am genuinely intrigued what other red flags have you seen or experienced for yourself with him?

My mil told me that H has a tendency to sulk and stay in a mood. Something along the lines of 'he is a sulky one and holds on to bad moods. I'm sure you can cheer him up, you seem the gentle sort' wish I listened and paid attention to the other red flags. But, I was young and dumb.

Original poster

Soohit · 07/03/2023 20:57

I would tell you the other flags but, honestly, very outing. They concern me but are more to do with what I suppose you would consider core values.
First time I've met her.
I actually really like her. But, honestly, it didn't seem to be said spitefully. More, like I said, desperately.
I really really him too by the way. What she said is at odds with how he is with me but early days.

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Justforlaffs · 07/03/2023 21:04

Oh go on, TELL us what he's done OP!!!

He must be a right twat if his own mum is already doing damage limitation!

chartreuseabuse · 07/03/2023 21:22

It doesn't matter what her motives are or if she is telling the truth. Either way that is drama you do not need, run and fast!