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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling betrayed

40 replies

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 18:47

NC for obvious reasons.
Rewind to four or so years ago I found a message exchange between my husband and an old colleague, stating is it ok to call (alarm bells) and shall we meet up for a drink soon like this was a regular occurrence.
I challenged him and he denied anything happening, of course said I was being daft. Since then nothing to my knowledge until today.
His email pinged so I glanced then saw one and it was his best friend asking on email how did it go with X and him replying oh she's fine I'll call you next week.
So I was off all afternoon he knows something is wrong but I obviously can't say where I found my information so can't talk about it, he's asked and I just said you've been really kind to me recently like doing things you normally wouldn't which he then took offence to and made it all about me saying he can't do wrong for right...
I feel so betrayed it's probably nothing and he's not told me cos he knew I'd be worried but in that case why couldn't we meet her together?
Heads in a spin, be kind x

OP posts:

Loafbeginsat60 · 07/03/2023 18:54

Who is X? The same woman as before?

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 18:56

Yes...I'm.assuming he's met up with her last week

OP posts:

Ofcourseshecan · 07/03/2023 19:01

It doesn’t sound good, OP. Why was he keeping this secret from you, if it’s harmless?

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 19:04

Obviously so I wouldn't kick off.
Like I say if it was innocent why didn't we go together?
I just don't know how to approach this given I was in the wrong for looking, yes I know that was bad of me.

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 19:31

Is he was just meeting someone for lunch would be necessarily tell you everyone he meets up with? What’s suspicious is why his mate is asking how it went? I mean it could be something innocent. Why can’t you just say you glanced over as the beep of the email caught your attention and you saw it flash up? Let him explain himself or you’ll only drive yourself mad wondering

Maze76 · 07/03/2023 19:45

That doesn’t sound good.
perhaps set some time aside to discuss your relationship, not necessarily to discuss what you found, but just to see his response?

Alpiniste · 07/03/2023 19:52

Yes, but is ‘kicking off’ your style generally.

Having lived with someone who “kicked off” over stuff, and like your husband I couldn’t do right for doing wrong- it makes you very wary in a relationship, actually it’s very corrosive and destroys any nice part, because you don’t know when the next explosion will be.

So, maybe he is cheating, but also maybe he isn’t but he knows what the punishment is for crossing you, regardless of the truth.

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 19:54

Well it was a mutual old colleague but years ago I didn't like the tone of the texts and they were xx on the end which I didn't like.
The email wasn't the one that pinged through it was in another folder the one that's kept for personal stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 19:55

I don't kick off I used that expression because he would know i would be upset as my previous marriage was a huge betrayal.

OP posts:

Womblemumma · 07/03/2023 19:59

You saw an email, so what? Tell him you saw it and what you saw. It doesn’t matter how he frames this, I would be mad as hell. Cheating is not as bad as looking at an email , and if he has nothing to hide he wouldn’t mind you seeing it in the first place.
I am sure others will have a different view, but the thought of him and his mates knowing about his rendezvous would rip my guts out, and I couldn’t be calm and secretive about this. It’s gotta come out.

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 20:04

Thanks Womble I don't know how I'm keeping it in.
I've had an upset stomach all day with the anxiety.
I'm sure it's fine it's just the concealment of it all that I find sickening.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 20:06

I'm sure he'd turn it into a thing about me looking and then say look if I'm upsetting you I'll just leave. It's a bit of a threat and I really don't want him to leave. I'm scared he would and I don't want that.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/03/2023 20:14

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 20:06

You're a bit stuck then, aren't you? If you're more afraid of him leaving if you confront him than of living with a cheat, then you're probably better off saying nothing and closing your eyes to it. You'll just drive yourself bonkers checking up on him.

Watchkeys · 07/03/2023 21:11

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 20:06

Can you see how unhealthy this is? He's hanging the sword of Damocles over you to stop you expressing your feelings about things within the relationship.

Nobody who loved you would do this, OP, I'm sorry. I think your relationship is over, to be honest. You don't trust him, you can't talk about it for fear of his response. He accuses you of 'kicking off' to keep you in line. That's not 2 people relating to and respecting each other, is it, so what is your relationship actually based on?

This is a serious relationship issue. If you can't even raise it, then you may as well let him go.

SunflowerTed · 07/03/2023 21:34

You need an open and honest conversation before you drive yourself mad!!

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 22:53

Yes I know, I'll be having a conversation tomorrow I just need some time you think how to approach it.
Like I'm not sure how this took place, was it a call or face you so I'll be asking to see the evidence on his phone and if there is none why?
I think a it's an old colleague if anything was to happen if would have by now I just can't stand the concealment it makes me mistrustful.

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:11

You sound a little controlling to me.xx means nowt these days on anything and the email saying he will call next week well he's hardly rushing to call then is he if it was anything other than a friend. If I knew you would be annoyed about small things and possibly make them into something there not I wouldn't tell you anything either to save stupid agro.

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 07/03/2023 23:16

The email was to his friend he said he'd call him next week to tell him about it
I'm far from controlling I have been in a bad marriage before so I get edgy about my husband messaging other women if there's a reason he's hiding it? Wouldn't any woman?

OP posts:

SleepySlumber · 07/03/2023 23:17

The fact he’s happy to tell his friend all about it but not you speaks volumes.

I’d admit to snooping just because id want to know. But at the same time id also be willing to walk if this guy was up to something whereas sounds like you will stay regardless?

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 08/03/2023 00:07

It's a difficult situation, I think if I admit to reading his in box then he'll cover tracks then I'd never know. Ducks in a row and all that. Totally agree with what you said about why he's ok with his friend knowing but not me.
So I have to think of another way. Like I know that this woman has a mutual friend of mine on FB which I discovered years ago, not that I'm active on there, so I could say I bumped into her and she mentioned our mutual contact and that they'd been talking? I don't know I'm trying to be clever but I'm an open person so in my my the truth is always the best. I'm way too honest and it usually backfires on me

OP posts:

SmurfetteBlue · 08/03/2023 00:39

Do you know where they met up? Could you say a friend saw him with this person?

Fraaahnces · 08/03/2023 00:42

I think you need to nick his phone and go through all his messages. I bet her messages are stored under a bloke’s name, too. Also WhatsApp, etc.

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/03/2023 00:51

Follow your gut. If it were me I would snoop a bit more. Start making sure you are in a position to leave if you want to.

Onnabugeisha · 08/03/2023 00:55

There’s nothing to feel betrayed about here. A message exchange four years ago and today an email from his best friend asking after this old colleague?

I have been in a bad marriage before so I get edgy about my husband messaging other women if there's a reason he's hiding it?

With respect this is your baggage and your issue to deal with. It’s not your current husbands job to restore your trust in mankind by telling you about every tiny thing that you might get paranoid over. And these are tiny, no affair is going to have a message exchange followed by FOUR YEARS silence and then a mutual friend saying, hey how is so and so? The fact you know it’s four years silence, means you snoop and monitor his communications and that is not on at all.

Wouldn't any woman? Er , no. Not I that’s for sure. But then I realise my DH is not like my exes and so I don’t treat him with constant suspicion and lack of trust.

Original poster

Hereigoagain45 · 08/03/2023 01:37

His friend was asking because he knew he had planned to meet up, can't have been a phone call thinking about it. I don't know where it was just his response, I'll call you and tell you about it. They talk every week but I know he called in on him last Wednesday so he'll have mentioned it then, so I'm guessing it was Thurs cos he was with me Friday.
He will have deleted messages and call history which is why I want to catch him off guard to ask him to show me.
I can't sleep, feel sick.

OP posts:

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