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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sad, heartbroken, marriage ending

27 replies

boysmum23 · 07/03/2023 17:44

Not overly sure why im doing this post as ive seen some comments people get sometimes but i have noone to talk to so please be kind as il crumble i think.

Me and my husband have been together many years and married for many more, we're in our late 30s and have always had the best relationship and sex life until recently, id say it all started november/december time. His attitude towards me has completely changed, he's not bothered about my feelings if he upsets me etc. last week was the first time in our marriage i cried, he didnt care. He's started making comments to purposely upset me and i dont know what i've done wrong to deserve this, i really cant pinpoint anything at all. his job consists of him working some weekends and sometimes its 2 plus hours away but he always use to come home, always said he'd drive 4 hours to sleep in bed with me (not sexually) even if it meant him going back the next day, id always tell him not to be daft and get a hotel but he'd walk through the door just to be with me, just recently he's started staying over, long weekends, one night etc. even if the place is close by he'll stay. Go out at night and ignore my phonecalls & texts or send a quick message late at night then i wont hear from him, as petty as it sounds il check to see when he was online or on facebook and hes active or has been.
I've obviously tried to ask him whats happened and if everything is ok but he just gets angry and makes it seem like im the problem, then i sit and wonder if i am? and just dont realise? I dont have any family support apart from my dad but he's not someone i would talk to about this, sadly the rest of my family are no longer around so as you can imagine i feel pretty lonely. He's the earner, i stay home with the kids so he can pursue his career, his hours are all over the place so finding a job to work around his would be difficult, specially with the childrens school holidays etc. as childcare isnt available. So im pretty stuck if it came to him saying he doesnt want to be with me anymore and its pretty scary, if i was alone i'd get on with it but i have beautiful children to keep safe and happy and it breaks me into a million pieces knowing that i'd struggle to provide for them alone. I feel ridiculously sad & broken, i sit thinking about how amazing we were back in the summer and replay the days and weeks wondering where the hell i messed up for him to be like this!

Sorry for the long rant, theres not really anything to reply to i just needed to write it down i suppose.

Have a lovely evening x

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 07/03/2023 17:46

Sorry to say but could he have met someone through work?

Original poster
boysmum23 · 07/03/2023 17:48

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 07/03/2023 17:46

Sorry to say but could he have met someone through work?

He works from home, unless hes talking to her online then meets at the weekends? im not sure, hes never been secretive with him phone etc. so never thought that could be it

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 17:50

It does sound like he’s having an affair sorry. The complete 360 change, staying out, all the signs.

Suetcrust · 07/03/2023 17:52

Your antennae is up. Your gut might be telling you something?
Play the long game. Build up some “evidence” like glancing over his shoulder when he’s on his phone? Stand slightly behind him whilst he’s engrossed.
It does sound very fishy but we know it happens.
I truly hope I’m wrong so I hope that having an adult conversation with him will be helpful and set your mind at rest.

Original poster
boysmum23 · 07/03/2023 17:54

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 17:50

It does sound like he’s having an affair sorry. The complete 360 change, staying out, all the signs.

possibly, she must be lovely for him to break up his family but many men and women do so.

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 07/03/2023 17:55

I agree that it sounds like an affair.

Staying out overnight, his change in attitude towards you - it’s easier to justify an affair to himself if he convinces himself that you are the problem and your marriage is unhappy.

You don’t deserve this x

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/03/2023 17:59

Im so sorry OP I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I completely understand why you’re so sad & devastated. He’s behaving like a heartless arse

webster1987 · 07/03/2023 17:59

Sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds like it must be really difficult. As with most things, it's often the not knowing is the hardest. The endless worrying and questioning is exhausting and is such a horrible feeling.

I agree with others that it sounds like an affair. You need answers, and then you can work everything out from there. One step at a time. I agree with the above, play the long game. Ultimately though, his phone will likely give you those answers if you can access it. Don't forget to look at internet tabs/history as maybe it is online, other messaging apps and photos.

InFiveMins · 07/03/2023 18:01

I'd say it's likely he's having an affair too OP, sadly. Obviously nobody can say for sure but the signs appear to be there. If he isn't then he is still behaving like an arse and it's not fair on you Flowers

SpeccyHotdog · 07/03/2023 18:16

She doesn't have to be lovely, she just has to be different to you. If he is cheating, it is not a reflection on you. It's a deficiency in him.

SunflowerTed · 07/03/2023 21:43

affair sorry

Summer2424 · 07/03/2023 21:52

Hi @boysmum23 you really love him, i can hear that from what you've written. I don't think he's having an affair. Continue being the loving person you are. If anything you could maybe speak to him and just simply say you miss him.
Sending you lots of positive vibes x

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/03/2023 22:16

Cherchez la femme. Sorry op, but I too think he’s cheating - she just hasn’t come out of the woodwork yet. Would a serious honest talk be a start - he’s behaving so unfairly to you and you need to know where you stand. (I’ve been where you are, it’s shit and it hurts, I’m so sorry).

KeanuKenunu · 07/03/2023 22:54

It's not you, you are not doing anything wrong. You are being made to feel worried so please don't doubt yourself. Try not to get upset and let things unfold a little so you can try to work out what is going on.

MidnightMeltdown · 07/03/2023 22:57

I hate to say it, but it sounds as though he's met someone else. It's not your fault that he's behaving like this, but you need to prepare yourself.

LadyJ2023 · 07/03/2023 23:08

At first I thought depression till I read the staying out overnight. You know in your heart what that means and from the first night away I would have questions

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2023 23:12

He's having an affair, and sorry to be blunt, but you need to take the blinders off and take control. Get yourself to a solicitor as soon as possible and find out what you're entitled to. You deserve far better than this.

LadyGAgain · 07/03/2023 23:13

So sorry OP. Reeks of affair especially given his rapid u-turn. Get your financial situation in order and gather evidence if possible (bank statements etc). Flowers

Mojo777 · 07/03/2023 23:20

I'm so sorry @boysmum23 , his behaviour absolutely does reek of affair. Be strong, gather evidence and get your ducks in a row. Good wishes to you love. 💜

SomeareDeluded · 08/03/2023 00:11

He's having an affair. What you have written about his behaviour, describe exactly how my ex was treating me after he started an affair. Stupidly, I put it down to depression/ stress...blamed myself, almost any reason except an affair, which was inconceivable after our long and happy marriage. By the time I knew, it had been going on for several months.

Check his phone and gather evidence.You need to put some quiet time aside and talk to him with what you find. Ask him outright, present any evidence.
Now is the time to be calm and canny, get ducks in a row, not emotional. Once you know the true situation, you can then make decisions based on facts not merely intuition. Hand hold OP. Big girl pants on and into battle. X

FlowerArranger · 08/03/2023 00:24

Sadly I too fear he is having an affair.
In order to justify his behaviour, he is painting you as the bad guy.

Can you focus on the practicals, so you don't end up being taken to the cleaners.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Financial documentation
Solicitor.

In this order. And do it now, because he is way ahead of you and you need to catch up. 💐

MsDogLady · 08/03/2023 01:35

Boysmum, you are understandably terribly unsettled and distraught about the abrupt, destructive changes in your H’s attitude and behavior.

I echo the opinions that he is investing in an EA or PA. The purpose of his cruel, manipulative behavior is to create distance between you to self-justify his infidelity and to make space for his OW.

Understand this: You have not ‘messed up.’ He is responsible for his unethical choices to betray and trash his family.

You may choose to investigate his phone, computer, statements, etc. You have the right to gather information, as your emotional health is being destroyed as a result of his changed communication, absences, bullying, gaslighting, blame shifting, and lack of empathy for your feelings.

You may choose, however, to forego investigating and instead draw an iron-clad line — to refuse to tolerate one more minute of his riding roughshod over your boundaries. You did not sign up for a marriage where you are treated with utter contempt and callous disregard. You don’t have to stick around and endure this, and your children don’t need to be exposed to such a damaging environment.

You are married, so have rights and benefits. Consult with a solicitor asap to learn all about your options. Also consider the support of IC to help you navigate and make decisions. Flowers

LilLilLi · 08/03/2023 07:22

Excellent post @MsDogLady.

I hope you’re ok OP and managed some sleep x

Youpillock · 08/03/2023 08:37

If it walks like a duck...

Grab every ounce of your strength and take doglady's advice. Tying yourself up in knots trying to make things work, trying to be 'better', more loving, less demanding, patient etc will destroy you from the inside out. Don't do the 'pick me' dance. Just don't. Don't be tempted. Your self esteem will be eroded every single second this continues. I'm not saying that you walk straight out and initiate a divorce but please don't settle for crumbs either or allow him to rewrite history or call all the shots here. Dry your tears, get tough and do it for yourself.

Throwncrumbs · 08/03/2023 09:05

You say he wfh, but he’s always away with his job but would travel back to be at home, can’t work this out tbh. I too think he’s had his head turned :(