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Original poster

Friends been having affairs and I feel awful

46 replies

Grace202 · 07/03/2023 15:49

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been friends with my best friend for 12 years she is married and has a son. She has previously had two affairs and has told me about them. One was with a married man. The other one was with her guy best friend and her husband has him round at her house but has no idea anything ever happened. I told her both times that she needs to call it off and tell her husband because it’s not right. She has been through a lot in her life and I have always supported her even if it meant keeping her lies. Well now a year later she has told me she is having an affair again with one of her other friends fiancé and she is now pregnant with his baby. I have told her she needed to tell her husband and the other girl. I know the other Girl and have been on nights out with her. I have told her I can no longer be friends with her because he actions are disgusting and it’s totally unacceptable. What do I do? Do I tell them? Why did she have to tell me? I feel awful and sick about it all and it’s really getting me down. How can I know such a bad thing and never say anything? I feel just as bad as her for knowing

OP posts:
Twizbe · 07/03/2023 16:02

The impression you give is that these affairs are either a call for help, or a way to make her husband leave. Almost like she wants to be found out so he'll leave and confirm her feelings that she's not worthy.

That or she's just not very nice.

Tbh this has drama written all over it. I'd say you can't support her or be friends and then just walk away. Don't get into it

MamOfFive · 07/03/2023 16:03

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starload · 07/03/2023 16:07

I wouldn't tell them, it's not your problem and I'd just pretend I didn't know.

I would have also told your friend, after the first affair, not to tell me anything regarding her affairs as I don't approve and I don't want to know.

Amandasummers · 07/03/2023 16:16

Yeah she wouldn't be my friend.

Disgusting behaviour and the audacity is unreal.

I'd want to tell. These people deserve to be able to make their own informed decisions about their lives instead of wasting them on lies. Horrible.

soggydigestives · 07/03/2023 16:21

I'd just cut her off completely. She sounds like a dick. I wouldn't tell the other woman, I'm sure it'll come out eventually.

Treehappy · 07/03/2023 16:23

My view is that it is not fair to involve other people in keeping secrets like this. She should never have told you. It’s not fair to put you in this position.

I was extremely annoyed with a friend just for telling me a mutual friend was planning an affair. I knew the mutual friend and her husband well and socialized frequently with them. That information came firmly under ‘Stuff I don’t need to know’.

I’d tell her this and back away.

frozendaisy · 07/03/2023 16:25

I would say, when it all comes out about pregnancy if it's true that you didn't believe her if you get caught up in it.

Zippidydoda · 07/03/2023 16:25

Step away from her. Stop being her friend. You don’t need to be brought into this drama.

PrussianBlueVelvet · 07/03/2023 16:31

It is not clear to me whether your friend is pregnant or the fiancée is pregnant?

There are very complex reasons why people behave in these inappropriate and ultimately self-destructive ways.

You may not be able to support her and that is fair enough, however, if this had been until now your best friend you could urge her to seek professional help.

If I were you, I would not interfere. Forget her if you must, but forget everything she told you also.

ShakespearesBlister · 07/03/2023 16:44

I can't stand people like this who have multiple affairs and dump all their grubby secrets on other people. I wouldn't have been friends with her after the first time. Cut her out of your life before the next thing you know she'll be sleeping with the one you love. People like this are toxic as friends. Get rid of her.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 07/03/2023 17:05

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No wonder guys think it’s acceptable when other women use language like this 🤮

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/03/2023 17:09

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 07/03/2023 17:05

No wonder guys think it’s acceptable when other women use language like this 🤮

Show quote history

Disgusting, isn't it? No women I would associate with would call other women names like this.

CovertImage · 07/03/2023 17:14

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/03/2023 17:09

Disgusting, isn't it? No women I would associate with would call other women names like this.

Show quote history

I agree but MN is full of women calling other women cow, bitch, twat and cunt (the latter two are used for men too) and no-one seems to mind. I don't get it

MamOfFive · 07/03/2023 17:16

Oh I'm sorry. So someone who goes after her friends husband and has more than several affairs under her belt is a prim & proper lady then?

NomadicSpirit · 07/03/2023 17:20

@Grace202 stay out of it. Tell your friend that you've had enough of keeping her secrets and her behaviour and that you are ending your friendship with her. She seems to be a woman of...erm... uncertain morals and more hassle than she's worth.

purplecheesecat · 07/03/2023 17:40

Oh dear. Her telling you all of this puts you in a very complicated position and to be honest it’s not fair on you at all. I feel a lot of sympathy for her husband; one affair is enough let alone three! I’ll echo the opinions of previous posters to end this friendship and tell her she needs to tell her husband. I can’t imagine her marriage being tenable if she’s had three affairs and surely it would be best for them to just split up? Sorry that you’ve had her tell you all of this compromising stuff!

drpet49 · 07/03/2023 17:54

Amandasummers · 07/03/2023 16:16

Yeah she wouldn't be my friend.

Disgusting behaviour and the audacity is unreal.

I'd want to tell. These people deserve to be able to make their own informed decisions about their lives instead of wasting them on lies. Horrible.

This. I would tell her husband. Poor, poor guy. He need to get a health check asap.

nofluffsgiven · 07/03/2023 18:00

I would start cooling the friendship off and stop hanging out with her. I wouldn't want that drama in my life

AliceMcK · 07/03/2023 18:15

I certainly wouldn’t be friends with her, I could never trust someone who behaves like this. In her husbands position I would want to know.

AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 18:55

Her husband needs to know she's pregnant with another mans child at the very least!

Lots of us have past trauma and don't act so disgustingly. Poor man needs to be able to make his own decision.

It's awful you've been put in this position, but you need to do the right thing then cut her off. This hasn't been a one-off drunken mistake (not that that is ok, but I can understand keeping quiet about that if she was truly remorseful), she has had long term affairs and cares so little about destroying her family she's telling you all about it!

She's a disgrace.

Spottyheadband · 07/03/2023 18:59

How awful for everyone involved (including you!!)

Her behaviour is a cry for help. She has no self esteem and only feels validated by male attention.

Did her dad leave her when she was small?

It's no excuse but she DOES need help. It's disgraceful.

AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 19:03

Spottyheadband · 07/03/2023 18:59

How awful for everyone involved (including you!!)

Her behaviour is a cry for help. She has no self esteem and only feels validated by male attention.

Did her dad leave her when she was small?

It's no excuse but she DOES need help. It's disgraceful.

The thing that bothers me about this line of thinking is if a man said his mental health problems/past trauma made him cheat multiple times and get another woman pregnant no one would be saying 'he just needs some help'.

It sounds like this woman does need help but she knows right from wrong, OP has told her how wrong she is and she has chosen no to do anything about it. Her husband needs the facts to make an informed decision on how his life is going to play out from here.

She is also putting him at risk of STI's as she's having unprotected sex.

Spottyheadband · 07/03/2023 19:05

@AaaaaandBreathe definitely, I agree x

DosCervezas · 07/03/2023 19:06

Stay out of it and reflect on whether you need this person in your life.
She sounds selfish and untrustworthy.

AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 19:11

Spottyheadband · 07/03/2023 19:05

@AaaaaandBreathe definitely, I agree x

😊x