Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Friends been having affairs and I feel awful

46 replies

Grace202 · 07/03/2023 15:49

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been friends with my best friend for 12 years she is married and has a son. She has previously had two affairs and has told me about them. One was with a married man. The other one was with her guy best friend and her husband has him round at her house but has no idea anything ever happened. I told her both times that she needs to call it off and tell her husband because it’s not right. She has been through a lot in her life and I have always supported her even if it meant keeping her lies. Well now a year later she has told me she is having an affair again with one of her other friends fiancé and she is now pregnant with his baby. I have told her she needed to tell her husband and the other girl. I know the other Girl and have been on nights out with her. I have told her I can no longer be friends with her because he actions are disgusting and it’s totally unacceptable. What do I do? Do I tell them? Why did she have to tell me? I feel awful and sick about it all and it’s really getting me down. How can I know such a bad thing and never say anything? I feel just as bad as her for knowing

OP posts:

BT11 · 07/03/2023 19:13

Don't get involved.

It'll all blow up in her face eventually anyway.

AaaaaandBreathe · 07/03/2023 19:14

DosCervezas · 07/03/2023 19:06

Stay out of it and reflect on whether you need this person in your life.
She sounds selfish and untrustworthy.

If your partner had affairs and got someone else pregnant would you not want to know, though? I would be inconsolable if I wasted years of my life because people knew but didn't want to tell me. Also the STI possibility.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/03/2023 19:15

I am not judging the affairs, but this sounds like too much drama. It's possible that your friend is a fantasist and has never had an affair with anyone at all, but any which way, I couldn't be arsed with her. I also don't understand why any adult would have a "best friend". If I were you, I'd have lots of friends and not get too involved with dramas.

BT11 · 07/03/2023 19:16

Also, is she 100% sure it's actually the other guys baby?

Perhaps she can get an in the womb paternity test done first before telling her husband in case it's not actually the other guys.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/03/2023 19:17

I really do wonder how true it is. IME, if you want to keep an actual, genuine affair quiet, you don't tell anyone at all. Three affairs without her husband knowing sounds very unlikely, given that she's clearly not one for discretion.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 07/03/2023 19:18

Amandasummers · 07/03/2023 16:16

Yeah she wouldn't be my friend.

Disgusting behaviour and the audacity is unreal.

I'd want to tell. These people deserve to be able to make their own informed decisions about their lives instead of wasting them on lies. Horrible.

I think they deserve to know too. The husband is going to bring up someone else's baby and the fiance is about to make a big commitment to someone who's already cheating on her. I'd want to know if I was them. She isn't someone who I'd want to know at all and it really doesn't make a difference what she's struggling with there's no justification for what she's doing. It's not like she had a one off and felt horrible about it and sought help, she's done this multiple times and she doesn't care who she harms, including OP by involving her in this.

LesserBohemians · 07/03/2023 19:19

Are you absolutely sure these affairs are not a figment of her imagination?

butterfliedtwo · 07/03/2023 19:26

LesserBohemians · 07/03/2023 19:19

Are you absolutely sure these affairs are not a figment of her imagination?

If they're not, she's very dumb telling people about it.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/03/2023 19:27

LesserBohemians · 07/03/2023 19:19

Are you absolutely sure these affairs are not a figment of her imagination?

Exactly. I think this friend is a fantasist and I cba with that nonsense.

flowerseeds · 07/03/2023 19:36

@AaaaaandBreathe except, it is more unusual for a woman than a man to be so blasé about their marriage so the reaction most likely would not be the same if a man did this.
I would agree that women who do this are most likely going through something that results in this destructive behaviour but if OP is so disgusted then it's probably better to end the friendship and move on avoiding the drama of it imo.

Ginger1982 · 07/03/2023 19:40

I would tell. She doesn't deserve your secrecy or your friendship.

ZeldaB · 07/03/2023 19:48

OP is there any chance that she’s a fantasist and lying because she enjoys shocking you? It just seems to weird that she keeps telling you about affairs she ought to be trying to hide.

V weird.

If it is true, ditch her, she’s a horrible person.

Would I tell the others? Yes I would. But it is a very difficult decision.

Ivyonthewalls · 07/03/2023 19:52

If I was the husband and found out that a friend knew all along I would be livid! It’s not fair! Tell him

DamnThatHitsHome · 07/03/2023 19:57

People saying not to tell the other women because “it’s not your problem” or “they’ll find out anyway”- honestly I despair for humanity if we all just turned a blind eye to everything.

How exactly will they find out if everyone hides it from them?

Why would anyone knowingly withhold information that they are absolutely entitled to know?

Would you think it’s ok for your partner to have an affair, and other people know about it and hide it from you, because apparently it’s only an issue when you find out?

I honestly cannot comprehend such a selfish attitude.

letthatmango · 07/03/2023 19:59

Argh, I would tell. I could not sit by and watch her husband be treated like this, his personal agency robbed and put at risk of STDs and I could not watch this man’s fiancé make life decisions like marriage, financial ties and children without knowing the truth of who she was marrying.

tryingsomethingnew · 07/03/2023 20:02

I wonder if you cut off the friendship, (which I would), would either other people and her husband question why you cut her off? That would be my first suspicion if one of my husbands friends or wife of friend cut him off. Why suddenly? Then I'd start asking questions and hopefully leading to the secret coming out.

Velvetween · 07/03/2023 20:37

Does she intend to mislead the two men about how the father is. I couldn’t play a part I y hat, or a baby being born into such a lie, so would have to say something.

HaveTheDayOff · 07/03/2023 20:40

Disgusting behaviour. Tell her husband so he can throw her out with the rest of the trash!

Findwen · 07/03/2023 21:36

Perhaps her other friend (whose husband she is shagging) is keeping the same secret from you. That would be ok right ? She is just being supportive after all - just like you !

username1722 · 07/03/2023 22:57

I couldn't be friends with someone like that. I would also tell the other girl about this too. Surely you'd want to know if it was you? I couldn't go on a night out with a girl and act like I didn't know her partner was having an affair. It's just not right.

You haven't done anything wrong. But you now have the ability to help a good handful of people stop living a lie.

emptythelitterbox · 07/03/2023 23:06

Not sure why you'd want someone like that for a friend.

Flip

1 2