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Original poster

Why do I feel so sad

29 replies

Blushingm · 07/03/2023 14:41

I've been seeing someone for 10 months. I'm really happy when I'm with him. I spend every other weekend with him and a couple of nights each week (when he doesn't have his kids I'm there). But whenever I drop him to work or leave his house I feel really down and sad.

It's only ever a few days til I see him again but I can't help but feel really sad/down

I just don't feel like this is normal

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 07/03/2023 14:48

It's not healthy for you, him anyone for your happiness to be so bound with seeing being with one person.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/03/2023 14:57

It's just a sad feeling I get - maybe because I look forward to seeing him and then it's over?

OP posts:
Noodlesoup123 · 07/03/2023 15:11

Do you know why? At some level I expect that feeling is telling you something - anxiety about his feelings for example or something a bit unresolved from your own relationship history. What’s your gut saying?

xfan · 07/03/2023 16:05

Do you have a life of your own? Responsibilities? Commitments? Children? Just other people? What would you do if he finished the relationship with you out if the blue?

startofanewlife4 · 07/03/2023 16:15

Do you lead your own life when you're away from him? I think as long as you're not dependent on him, and still do your own thing and wouldn't drop anything/everything if you thought you could spend extra time with him then it just shows that you really like him. If you sit around feeling sad the whole time you're not with him then that's a little worrying (not judging).

whattodo1975 · 07/03/2023 16:16

How much do you have going on in your life aside from spending time with him? You need to make your life more about you and less about just killing the time until you see him again.

Not healthy for you or him for you to be really down about going separate ways.

Darhon · 07/03/2023 17:21

It’s fine. It’s the honeymoon period and you don’t spend loads of time together. Lots of people move in together by a year. Give it another 6-12 months and it will settle and this period of heightened emotion will have calmed down. Look up relationship stages. Lots of psychology on it.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/03/2023 18:49

I have a full time job, my own house, 2 DC, am doing a part time masters and see my friends too - so he's not the only person/thing I have.

But I do like him - a lot

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 18:50

Are you doing all the running OP?

You say when you drop him to work or leave his house. Does he make an equal effort to come to you and see you?

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/03/2023 18:52

And yes I do worry about if he likes me

And my relationship history is awful - ex dh was controlled by his parents he allowed them to pretend I didn't exist. I was seeing someone who turned out to have a double life, someone else ended up preferring to get drunk, next he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship when he got his divorce papers even though they'd been separated 2 years and she was living with someone else......plus I have really low self confidence

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 07/03/2023 19:26

@Dacadactyl I stay at his as he only has his kids 50% of the time and we both work in the city where he lives. My kids both live with me and I'd rather not introduce them yet (even though they're 16 & 21!). We both make the plans etc so I don't do all the chasing

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 07/03/2023 19:56

This is very interesting. I am 8 months into a relationship and feel the same. I tend to be a bit like this with things I really enjoy like a holiday. Have you done any NLP ? There's a personality style where the anticipation is really important rather than the event.
I also think as another poster said that it's early days in a relationship, and there's an uncertainty that comes with it.. not sure my comments are helping. Do you mind if I ask your age ? I think older relationships have a feeling of on going dating rather than evolving in a traditional path of moving in, marriage etc.

Noodlesoup123 · 07/03/2023 20:16

Sounds like you’ve had a really tough time of it in the past OP - would be massively surprising if that didn’t inform how you approached a new relationship? And cause a bit of insecurity. Have you talked to him about it - and your history etc? I might take the weight of it off a bit - and would be a good opportunity for your DP to show he can be supportive/emotionally mature.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/03/2023 20:52

@Livelifelaughter I'm 45 this year. I've had CBT years ago

@Noodlesoup123 I've kind of told him that I'm afraid I'm not good enough etc, he replied saying I don't need to change in any way - he fell in love with me, just the way I am

OP posts:
username1722 · 07/03/2023 22:47

Sounds like you've got relationship anxiety and you're clinging onto him for dear life.

The feeling you're describing reminds me of when I was in my late teens/early 20s and was in a long distance relationship. The sad feeling every time I left or he left was just overwhelming. Back then, I was very insecure though.

You need to find ways to build up your self-esteem. Take part in new activities, see your friends more often. No matter how amazing this man is, you can't let him consume your entire life.

nc1013 · 07/03/2023 23:07

username1722 · 07/03/2023 22:47

Sounds like you've got relationship anxiety and you're clinging onto him for dear life.

The feeling you're describing reminds me of when I was in my late teens/early 20s and was in a long distance relationship. The sad feeling every time I left or he left was just overwhelming. Back then, I was very insecure though.

You need to find ways to build up your self-esteem. Take part in new activities, see your friends more often. No matter how amazing this man is, you can't let him consume your entire life.

I was going to mention relationship anxiety too.

I'm early 40s been with my bf a year and feel exactly the same. On my 3rd week of counselling.

I also agree with PP that relationships at this stage of our lives feel more like long term dating. It's like they don't progress in the same way as they would when we were young, child free with less other commitments. I sometimes feel like "we're not going anywhere" but given I've got a young Dd and wouldn't live with my bf in the near future I don't know what I expect!

EmbarrassedAboutIntake · 08/03/2023 04:57

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Livelifelaughter · 08/03/2023 13:28

I agree, there's less structure and I think it also feels a fragile. When you're younger you meet people to meet life goals of children, marriage etc when you're older you're with that person because they enhance your life and you want to be with them but the ties aren't really there and I think that creates an anxiety. Do you think you might have an anxious attachment style?

zonky · 08/03/2023 14:16

When the menopause kicks on you might see him and the relationship differently. Work on your self esteem.

Livelifelaughter · 08/03/2023 14:17

zonky · 08/03/2023 14:16

When the menopause kicks on you might see him and the relationship differently. Work on your self esteem.

In what way ?

zonky · 08/03/2023 14:55

Livelifelaughter · 08/03/2023 14:17

In what way ?

Show quote history

Loss of libido which is a huge driver in wanting a romantic relationship to begin with. Possibly other symptoms associated with the menopause.

Livelifelaughter · 08/03/2023 15:21

zonky · 08/03/2023 14:55

Loss of libido which is a huge driver in wanting a romantic relationship to begin with. Possibly other symptoms associated with the menopause.

Show quote history

Ah thank you. I have found that I didn't have that symptom, but the menopause is very unpredictable.

NHSmummy84 · 08/03/2023 15:25

This is actually physical withdrawal. In a new relationship, feel good endorphins are released that make you feel amazing when you're with that person.
When you leave him, those endorphins decrease, leading to the down feeling.
You can Google it. When you know what it is and why, it make make you feel better. That is simply nothing more than a chemical reaction.

SpringCalling · 08/03/2023 15:27

I'm similar - been in a relationship 4 months and find it really difficult when we're not together. I don't think it's an issue really / I just really really like him and because of kids we can't be together all the time. That's life. I don't let the sadness engulf me, just recognise it - it's because at last - in my fifties, and to the previous PP, absolutely no loss of libido, I've found a great relationship and naturally love spending time with him.

Shinygreenbeetle · 08/03/2023 15:38

I would say give it time, but I feel the same and we’re three years in 😆 I definitely struggle with relationship anxiety, though, which is not helped by our specific circumstances.
What @Livelifelaughter said really resonates with me - the lesser structure / progressive timeline makes things feel more vulnerable.

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