Porn Ruined my Marriage, or maybe it was already ruined.

[1Fedup2023]

After 17 years my husband has decided he needs to leave. Long story short, when i met my husband he had stacks of porn, i didn't think much of it, although I don't like porn I understand others do. We met on a dating site and after 2 years i started to realise he didn't fully unregister. I had it out with him and he put it down to cold feet ( we was getting married in a few months)he also said he suffers from depression, his brother died when he was a kid and his mum just recently died also. I became detective over the years, installing spyware and lots of other things that meant he never physically cheated as I would catch him before it went that far, I realised he was spending hours every day watching porn, sitting in the toilet several times a day watching porn. About 6 years ago he just got worse, he is such a needy person he would go online start chatting to a person that lives overseas and within a week he is telling them he is love! that he isn't " really married" and that he will soon leave his wife to be with them.

I think I must of caught him with around 100 women. When I would catch him, I would contact the women they would block him and then I would see him online begging them to reply to his messages. Till this day he dosn't know how I see what he is doing. Recently I caught him again and he was mortified as I recorded them talking about porn videos and what he would do to her when they finally meet. Now he has decided he needs to go, something he has never said.

The thing is he is so useless organising anything, I have always told him he would have to divorce me. Ive seen him telling women he wants me be the one to leave him so he dosn't feel so bad! now 4 weeks later, although i know he still wants to leave he isn't making any plans i've asked him 4 times if he has found a solicitor, and what are the financial arrangements, i feel he is so immature and wants me to do everything. He is telling me he will still cut the grass and will only move a few streets away! I told him no way he needs to move at least a 15 min drive as I don't want to be bumping into him everyday, he says it dosnt need to be like that! we can still be friends Blah Blah Blah. I dont know what is going on in his little brain I think he really thought we could even spend xmas together, he want to have his cake and eat it. Just hoping to find some strength to get though this from others that may be going though the same thing:(

I get a really strong sense that you enjoy policing him and catching him out, this has been a fun game for you. 100 women?! At that level you do not love him. Normally just one is absolutely crushing and the end.

What am I reading here - you first caught him out messaging other women and disrespecting you and your marriage SIX YEARS AGO and you haven’t left him?

get rid of this loser!

Sounds like you're both immature and not ready for grown up relationships.

I hardly think porn has ruined your marriage - the issues were there right from the start but you married him anyway.

It's like you think you're in a war with him and there can be a winner. And that you're "winning" every time you catch him trying to fuck someone else.

This is no way to live, you are eating your bitter heart every day and it's poisoning you. Cut him loose. You will be amazed how much lighter you feel once you've stopped living with a man you clearly despise.

the thing is every time i had caught him, he would start crying and saying its not real! it's just how he deals with stress, he would blame his behaviour on his childhood and all sorts. we have been together 17 years and the first time i caught him was 6 weeks before we got married his mum had just suddenly died 2 weeks before and this was the excuse then, believe me I dont get any enjoyment out of policing him, the thing is the 100 women are all just online hookers, they are not really interested in him, one time I caught him copy and pasting the same message to 10 women on twitter, telling them all he was in love with them! I truly believe he is addicted to porn, I cant see he even wants to sleep with any of these women, ive asked him many times why is he always looking abroad for women and he says so there is no chance he can meet them.

Just instigate the divorce yourself. It makes no difference to any eventual settlement who petitions, so why are you stalling and insisting he has to be the one to divorce you? Why are you wasting your life away like this? He isn’t going to change, he isn’t even the person you originally thought he was, there’s absolutely no point in trying to ask him why he behaves like this. Just divorce and move on.

Humm, dont know why people think I hate him, I still don't hate him, I spent a year going to counselling with him, he keeps telling me he is suffering from depression and he cant help himself. Where I live you have to wait 2 years to get divorced, so im trying to do a separation agreement so the 2 years can start, but he needs to get his own solicitor to do this. We own 3 houses together 2 of which I am keeping so I cant be uncivil, but he needs to actively find a place to rent which I just cant see him doing that.

FFS, stop trying to analyse, explain or justify his behaviour. Just get rid. He is not life partner material and never was. You cannot fix him and it doesn't sound like he has any intention of fixing himself. Time is finite, stop wasting yours on this exercise in futility.

Leave the miserable wanker to it. If he wants to spend his one and only life sitting in the loo with his dick in his hand, or begging online women (who might as well old blokes having a laugh) that's his prerogative I guess. But I can think of nothing sorrier.

"Humm, dont know why people think I hate him, I still don't hate him, I spent a year going to counselling with him..."

Whether you hate him or not is your choice. Personally, I find it hard to understand why you don't. He has completely wasted 17 years of your life, 17 years you can never get back.

"he keeps telling me he is suffering from depression and he cant help himself."

Awe diddums. The poor wee sool is depressed is he? Maybe he is, but that is not an excuse for his behaviour and you're a mug if you even consider it might be.

"Where I live you have to wait 2 years to get divorced, so im trying to do a separation agreement so the 2 years can start, but he needs to get his own solicitor to do this. We own 3 houses together 2 of which I am keeping so I cant be uncivil, but he needs to actively find a place to rent which I just cant see him doing that."

Him not bothering his arse to get a solicitor shouldn't slow down your divorce, all it will do is make him easy prey for your lawyer. Him not getting off his arse to sort out his accommodation and life going forward is not your problem either. Out of interest, have you actually engaged a solicitor yourself and actively started proceeding or are you just using his excuses and fecklessness as justification for you to drag your feet?

You sound full of excuses OP. You don’t need to sit around and wait for someone to divorce you. Because guess what, he won’t! He is getting away with doing exactly as he pleases and you are allowing this to happen. Get some self respect and leave him.

@DuckDuckNo That made me laugh, im definitely not taking him back, have my appointment with solicitor booked to draw up agreement tomorrow. Even though he told me he wont go on the sites anymore until he sorts himself out and leaves, i just saw him hiding his phone a few days ago whilst he was working and when he left the room and I picked it up, he was signed up to a new porn site talking to a new women, I asked him is this his best effort and he said he cant help himself because work is so stressfull and it's his reward after making a few work calls. I just think he wants me to find him a place and move all his stuff for him! All the time he is still calling me babes and trying to be nice!

This is so messed up it’s hard to know what to say. It’s good you are instigating it once and for all, but I think you will need a lot of self help to step away from being ‘the watcher’.

Maybe focus on what you could have been achieving with your time if you weren’t installing spyware, monitoring and following up with random women in an attempt to control your addict partner.

What is this?! OP, put those detective skills to use and try to find your backbone!

Seriously, why are you still with him? This is all so unhealthy.

Just seen you’re seeing a solicitor - good. I hope you’re set on ending this terrible relationship.

@CrosswordConundrum yeh the spyware was what I used to do years and years ago, over the years i just got fingerprint access to everything.

How can you possibly be suggesting the OP is to blame?

If he's suffering from depression what is he doing about that AND what is he going to do about his prom addiction?

If he seriously doesn't want to separate from you, he can prove he's serious and 'if' he's got his depression and addiction under control for at least 12/18 months, then maybe, and only if you want to, would I ever consider having a relationship with this man .

But tbh, after all this time I'd throw him balc and start afresh

@Naunet Its not that im still with him, we are still in the same house, with a lot of financial ties to sort out, we actually just exchanged contracts on a rental house when I found out the last incident, I just have to try to remain calm with him, because when i met him he had nothing and most of our wealth has come from me, I don't want him to start demanding half of everything since he has already said I can have most of our assets. But I have told him he must not continue in with this behaviour if he wants time in the house to organise himself.

You should set up in business as a Private Investigator with those skills, OP.

Seriously get rid. He's wasting your time.

You have to take control here, he is clearly an inept man toddler.

Gosh, your self esteem must be in tatters you poor thing.
I am glad you’re moving on. He’s a shit of a man, using his depression to justify him cheating on you. You deserve better.

@CleaningOutMyCloset He always says he is depressed, sometimes he admits he has a porn addiction, I done counselling with him for a year and then the councillor wanted to work with him individually, after a while I became suspicious and asked for a joint meeting again, where the councillor then seemed different and started telling me I need to put the past behind me and trust him and allow him the odd relapse, and told me lots of people watch porn, I told the porn was excessive like 5 hours straight if I went out. I also told her I don't think the individual sessions will work as he will just tell her any lies, which she wasn't very happy with me about. Then On there next session I set up a recorder and realised he was lying to the counsellor, saying today he is so depressed because I was arguing with him all week and he can hardly get out of bed, when in fact we had been fine all week. The counsellor would ask has he messaged anyone this week and he would tell her no when he had. So I just stop telling him to book the sessions. He then switched to tell me that he is sure if he wasn't married he wouldnt need to watch porn and cheat and he is so stressed about everything that why he does it!

@Aussiegirl123456 Thanks, I just hope once he leaves he dosn't fall apart and become unable to pay child support, because he is watching the porn on the bus to and from work, and I even seen a few zoom links to girls when he is at work, so he must be going into a private room at work. I just feel he is so unstable, last summer i visited my my for 3 weeks, every evening he would call from the pub or on his way to the pub and no doubt after went home to watch porn,

@THisbackwithavengeance funny enough thats what he says lol