Porn Ruined my Marriage, or maybe it was already ruined.

[1Fedup2023]

After 17 years my husband has decided he needs to leave. Long story short, when i met my husband he had stacks of porn, i didn't think much of it, although I don't like porn I understand others do. We met on a dating site and after 2 years i started to realise he didn't fully unregister. I had it out with him and he put it down to cold feet ( we was getting married in a few months)he also said he suffers from depression, his brother died when he was a kid and his mum just recently died also. I became detective over the years, installing spyware and lots of other things that meant he never physically cheated as I would catch him before it went that far, I realised he was spending hours every day watching porn, sitting in the toilet several times a day watching porn. About 6 years ago he just got worse, he is such a needy person he would go online start chatting to a person that lives overseas and within a week he is telling them he is love! that he isn't " really married" and that he will soon leave his wife to be with them.

I think I must of caught him with around 100 women. When I would catch him, I would contact the women they would block him and then I would see him online begging them to reply to his messages. Till this day he dosn't know how I see what he is doing. Recently I caught him again and he was mortified as I recorded them talking about porn videos and what he would do to her when they finally meet. Now he has decided he needs to go, something he has never said.

The thing is he is so useless organising anything, I have always told him he would have to divorce me. Ive seen him telling women he wants me be the one to leave him so he dosn't feel so bad! now 4 weeks later, although i know he still wants to leave he isn't making any plans i've asked him 4 times if he has found a solicitor, and what are the financial arrangements, i feel he is so immature and wants me to do everything. He is telling me he will still cut the grass and will only move a few streets away! I told him no way he needs to move at least a 15 min drive as I don't want to be bumping into him everyday, he says it dosnt need to be like that! we can still be friends Blah Blah Blah. I dont know what is going on in his little brain I think he really thought we could even spend xmas together, he want to have his cake and eat it. Just hoping to find some strength to get though this from others that may be going though the same thing:(

The problem is you I'm sorry to say. No one in their right mind would want to stay with this man.

You really need some help to unpick why you thought any of this was a normal response to his behaviour.

@Merlott Hopefully you will never find yourself in this situation, unfortunately its not just me in this world with a porn obsessed partner, who begs to be forgiven each time they get caught having gone too far.

You’ve been forgiving him for 17 years OP
im sorry but the problem really is you allowing him to treat you like a class A mug

No one is denying your partner is a complete shit.

However - you ‘set up a recorder’ for someone’s 1:1 counselling session? Do you know that’s not ok irrespective of if they were lying or not? How did you even do that, break in to the therapists office, plant something on your partner…. this is so messed up or a work of fiction.

I really worry about some of the things you’ve been doing and you’ll take it (spyware and all) to the next relationship.

This is really fucked up - the porn, the cheating, the spying. Please leave.

I'm actually not sure what to say here.

So you've been with a guy for years and years who is clearly addicted to porn and a liar and has been since you met him and you've been spying on him over the years including his counseling sessions and you're only just getting around to thinking about ending it?

I don't really understand your relationship. There seems to be more of a mother and child vibe than a husband and wife.

You should kick him out and divorce him. I'm sure that wherever you live there's ways to do that even if he doesn't get a solicitor, so just get one yourself and do what you should have done years ago. I can't understand why you just signed a rental contract nor got yourself in a position where you need financial support off this person, who you knew was an untrustworthy fantasist and addicted.

I think he needs some serious help, but I'd also be looking at yourself as well. Planting spyware on devices and "putting off" scores of prostitutes over nearly two decades is not normal husband and wife stuff, and most people wouldn't have put up with a fraction of what you appear to have.

Maybe I'm just too tired so think straight, but this doesn't make sense to me.

@CrosswordConundrum it will most likely have been a remote / virtual session and the spyware will have been on the local computer.

@CrosswordConundrum sessions are remote, just set up a zoom recording on my laptop and let it recording in the room,

What sort of fresh hell is this?!?!

There are children???? Even though you knew he was doing this?

You aren’t covered in glory yourself I believe you could be jailed owing to the number of times you have spied on him - not sure what country you are in

@NomadicSpirit yes i get your point which is what im doing, but im not leaving my house he has to leave. He will need a solicitor to sign our agreement also there must be 2 year wait to fill for divorce, where you need proof of being separated, hence the solicitor agreement. Buying property is what I do for a living, hence we was in the middle of a sale. I don't need him for support but he dose need to pay his child support, Anyway im sure ill be fine, its just not a standard leave I need to remain civil so it dosn't drag on for years.

Thanks everyone and @Quitelikeit im actually in a group with 1000's of women in the same situation as me, some married for over 30 years and who have done far worse than me to find out the truth. No more help required as we have already decided to separate thanks for all the comments, its been helpful to hear your views as most of the women in the group have been on the side of get more help for him as its not his fault or their husbands managed to change etc