Massive argument

[nightfeeding]

5 week old baby, have an older child and dh works so I do every night in the bedroom whilst he sleeps in spare room. Tonight's been shit, finally settled him at 11 got only 45 mins sleep before baby woke up again and has been up ever since. Fine when I'm holding him screams when I put him down. I'm exhausted and a bit teary at this point. At half 2 my husband comes in tells me to pull myself together, that I'm making it worse and takes the baby. He's sat up on spare bed holding him, I say yes I can do the same in here it's when he lies down that's the problem, if you're going to try and help settle him let's do it in here otherwise he'll just fall asleep in your arms then be up again. He's shouting at me to just go get half an hours sleep but I know it'll make me feel worse if I can just get him settled we will get a longer stretch, he just keeps saying go to sleep you're pissing me off on repeat. Saying he's come to fucking help me and I'm being ungrateful. I said you're not helping me though you came in telling me it's my fault telling me to pull myself together and then just took the baby and said you'd bring him back in half an hour. He just keeps saying stop being ungrateful and go to sleep. Storms off downstairs. I follow, he's repeatedly saying I'm deranged and to go away. Over and over not listening to me speak I just keep saying pass me the baby until I scream it because he just won't listen. he starts shaking his head at me laughing and just this look of absolute disgust in his eyes. I say to him I have done every single night with no help for 5 weeks, every night feed every nappy change at night every time he needs settling, do you not appreciate that, and he just keeps looking at me like I'm this absolute piece of shit and I grabbed his cheeks and said to stop looking at me like that. He's flown off the handle that I'm violent and disgusting and how dare I do that when our baby is there. Starts saying "his child" instead of ours. Still won't pass him to me I'm really upset at this point and just want my baby and he's holding the door closed so I can't get in. I push on the door until he opens it and he again laughs and shakes his head and says that I'm absolutely fucking insane passed me the baby and went to his room

I'm just shaking now I've had a few bad nights but nothing has been as bad as this I wish he hadn't come to try and help all he did was have a go and now this is going to be a massive deal because I grabbed his face. I know I shouldn't of I'm so sleep deprived and he was just looking at me like a piece of scum and I'm so tired I just lost it

Oh my gosh that sounds so distressing. Is the baby settled now? If so get the sleep that you need, and do the thinking in the morning. If not, can you watch something mindless with earphones in so your brain isn't in overdrive worrying about what's happened. If you can't sleep with shaking, maybe a sweet snack and a drink will help you reset a bit.

I just wanted to send you some love, I’m up doing a night feed now 😘
You had a baby 5 weeks ago, and are still recovering from the birth, as well as looking after a baby and another child, and being sleep deprived. That stage is so intense, don’t beat yourself up over this. His behaviour towards you was awful, I hope you are ok. Work isn’t an excuse to not help with any night wakings with the baby at all, you need to get some rest too. Unless his job is something that involves driving for example, he should be taking his share of lack of sleep. In the meantime, do you have a friend, or family member that can come and sit with the baby for a few hours while you get a nap in the day?

I know I'm going to get massively ripped apart here, but I think lack of sleep and hormones caused you to massively overreact here and you need to calm down and discuss this calmly in the morning.

It’s tough on a relationship with a new baby, even tougher if your partner is no help. Why hasn’t he helped at all? What about weekends / when he’s not working? He really has no idea just how much that tiredness builds and starts destroying you. Hope you’re getting some sleep now and I hope an apology is forthcoming. But no matter what he says you’re not crazy and I totally get why you didn’t want him to just take the baby for 30 mins. That’s really not going to help is it?

Won't be able to sleep now just going to feel sick all night. He's already sleeping

Just feels like he didn't come in saying are you ok can I help you, he burst in calling me the problem telling me to pull myself together, took the baby, didn't listen to me explain why I didn't just want half an hour sleep, kept repeating himself and not letting me speak, called me crazy/deranged/tapped repeatedly and then because I shouted and because I grabbed him I'm now abusive and disgusting and everything else is irrelevant. Wish he hadn't bothered coming to 'help'

He won't talk to me this just says he won't tolerate abuse. Is it not abusive to repeatedly call a women crazy, tapped, insane, deranged, mental whilst laughing at her and withholding her baby. All I was doing was saying to settle him in my bed not elsewhere, he is the one who turned it into an argument and started coming at me, shaking his head, laughing, mocking me looking all smug calling me insane etc and then now because I grabbed his face in the one in the wrong and everything he did is excused. I just wanted that smug look off his face.

OP,

That sounds really awful.

He sounds very nasty and like he was winding you up.

How long are you together?

Was this a planned baby?

You sound very very vulnerable.

Can you contact your HV/GP for support today?

What is your housing situation?

Have you family nearby to support you?

I think you were being punished for not managing to keep his night and life from being disrupted, for actually needing some help and support. He didn’t care about “his” baby, only about showing you what a bad job you were doing and how resentful and angry that was making him. The big red flag for me here is that he withheld a newborn from their mother. Put the grabbing his face out of your mind. If it wasn’t that it would be something else he’d fasten on to make this situation all your fault.

Has similar behaviour from him happened before? Even if not so serious.

I tend to agree, you both were tired and why not let him have the baby and find out what happens for himself? Then you could have rested. You shouldn't grab someone's face or be screaming at him especially when the baby is there regardless of what he did. Hormones and lack of sleep are not great so it is a tricky time.

Betting the older dc isn't his op? Make plans to end your relationship op. Ime it will feel worse ending it with 2 dc if they if have different df's... But things won't get better.. And your dc need you to be able to keep them safe. And you. Confide in your health visitor
. You need support.

You both need to be away from each other, that poor baby being stuck in the middle. This isn't a healthy environment and being sleep deprived doesn't excuse it. It's dangerous for parents to get physical when one of them is holding a newborn, no provocation can justify endangering a child.

Contact your HV and let them know you are struggling. You need additional support and its okay to say that.

Its not okay to call each other names but equally its not okay to put your hands on someone because 'I just wanted that smug look off his face'. That is wrong and you also need to own that part.

We've been together 7 years. Both kids are his. With our first everything was a lot more 50/50 at night because we only had the one. But I co-sleep with the baby, and our toddler wakes up around 2/3am and goes in with my husband so I've been doing the nights alone this time around. I don't mind too much because we co-sleep and I breastfeed and generally it hasn't been too bad, though obviously yes it is very broken sleep as standard with a newborn. He did cry a lot last night and I appreciate it would of woken him up and if he'd come in and asked if I was ok and if he could help it would of been different but he stormed in slamming the door, told me to pull myself together and that I was the problem and took the baby for half an hour as if that was going to resolve anything. It wasn't. I would maybe of had 15-20 mins sleep max in that time after having to fall back asleep and he would then of been waking me up all over again and I'd feel worse than if I just kept trying to settle the baby myself

Contact you HV today. You need support and your partner is not providing it.

It sounds like he's stuck in a cycle of not handling the fact that baby doesn't just arrive and gargle sweetly in a crib. He is being abusive.

You sound like you're struggling with sleeplessness and adjusting and that is 1000% understandable. You need support, none of these unhelpful, horrible situations at home will settle baby or you. Have you got family close by. Can partner go and stay elsewhere for 3 nights and give you some space. I feel concern for you that you need support.

If you can't get HV call your Doctor and explain crisis. If you could rest with baby and feel safe at home then you might feel better through the day. You'll get through it but please access support this morning.

I disagree! I’ve been in the exact situation. Yes hormones play a big part in it but so does exhaustion when your supposed other half thinks it’s ok to sleep in the spare room and leave you to deal with the baby all on your own and then make it appear as if you are useless and it’s fault for not being able to settle the baby when you’re at absolute breaking point because you’re exhausted and sleep deprived! It’s emotional abuse and gaslighting at its best, designed to drain someone and make them feel shit. I had this for 4 years. I spent 4 years with very little sleep while my ex slept peacefully all night and it almost sent me mental!

He is gaslighting you op. I can only see things getting worse. Has he always been like this? Blaming you for everything and not ‘understanding’ your point of view?

I hope you are feeling ok this morning OP. I have been in your exact position- I could've written this post myself. Hormones/ sleep deprivation/ everything else that goes along with having a newborn caused both my DH and I to act like maniacs towards each other. I'm pretty sure I have grabbed his face or something similar at some point as a result of being totally pushed over the edge. This was 5 years ago for me now and it has never been like that in our relationship since.

Yes, he's acting like an absolute arsehole- and you've reacted in a way which you wouldn't under ordinary circumstances. The important thing now is to take control of the situation and nip it in the bud- acknowledge to each other that this phase is temporary and prepare for these situations. Do everything you can to help and love each other during this inevitably stressful period. I'm pregnant with DC2 and trying to mitigate this situation again by expecting/preparing for it. I'll get slated for this, and I'm not condoning shit behaviour but men just don't (ordinarily) cope well in these situations. This will pass. These aren't ordinary circumstances for either of you.

Change the locks and kick that jerk out of your house. Your nursing Two children here, your own and a grown up narcissist.

I totally agree that what he did was beyond out of order by bursting in and behaving so unpleasantly. You were clearly having an awful night and were going to be frazzled and ezhaustwd and needing kindness. It's irrelevant if he thinks there was a better way to settle the baby, you clearly weren't trying to keep the baby up and wake everyone else.

However, I can also see why he is fixating on the grabbing his face. When I think back to the stress of having a newborn around, it's not as if it's only the parent who's the most tired who is struggling. I've been horribly snippey and critical at times because I was at the end of my rope. If one of those moments had escalated into my partner grabbing my face I can't imagine brushing it off because I started it with breating them. I think both sides were abusive and nasty in different ways, BUT, you are living in the pressure cooker of sleep deprivation and new baby. It's not irredeemable if you can both take a step back and communicate well about what happened and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

He's exceedingly abusive and you need to get away from him ASAP.

Life will be easier without a bully in your home.

Please read up on reactive abuse my love. This man is very unpleasant. I was married to one like this and oh my days it just got worse and worse. So sorry you are going through this xx

So you wouldn't really let him help then?

Why do people keep saying ask for support. Ash who. What support, does anyone seriously think the hv is going to help, she will make soothing noises, end of.

He's a piece of shit. Awful awful man.

You poor thing OP.

Please contact Women's Aid to talk about what has happened. His behaviour is scary and you need proper support.

Well we have only heard your side. I think you should just move on.
You did overreact because you're tired. He could've been nicer.
Five week old babies make you feel like you're crazy.