Massive argument

[nightfeeding]

5 week old baby, have an older child and dh works so I do every night in the bedroom whilst he sleeps in spare room. Tonight's been shit, finally settled him at 11 got only 45 mins sleep before baby woke up again and has been up ever since. Fine when I'm holding him screams when I put him down. I'm exhausted and a bit teary at this point. At half 2 my husband comes in tells me to pull myself together, that I'm making it worse and takes the baby. He's sat up on spare bed holding him, I say yes I can do the same in here it's when he lies down that's the problem, if you're going to try and help settle him let's do it in here otherwise he'll just fall asleep in your arms then be up again. He's shouting at me to just go get half an hours sleep but I know it'll make me feel worse if I can just get him settled we will get a longer stretch, he just keeps saying go to sleep you're pissing me off on repeat. Saying he's come to fucking help me and I'm being ungrateful. I said you're not helping me though you came in telling me it's my fault telling me to pull myself together and then just took the baby and said you'd bring him back in half an hour. He just keeps saying stop being ungrateful and go to sleep. Storms off downstairs. I follow, he's repeatedly saying I'm deranged and to go away. Over and over not listening to me speak I just keep saying pass me the baby until I scream it because he just won't listen. he starts shaking his head at me laughing and just this look of absolute disgust in his eyes. I say to him I have done every single night with no help for 5 weeks, every night feed every nappy change at night every time he needs settling, do you not appreciate that, and he just keeps looking at me like I'm this absolute piece of shit and I grabbed his cheeks and said to stop looking at me like that. He's flown off the handle that I'm violent and disgusting and how dare I do that when our baby is there. Starts saying "his child" instead of ours. Still won't pass him to me I'm really upset at this point and just want my baby and he's holding the door closed so I can't get in. I push on the door until he opens it and he again laughs and shakes his head and says that I'm absolutely fucking insane passed me the baby and went to his room

I'm just shaking now I've had a few bad nights but nothing has been as bad as this I wish he hadn't come to try and help all he did was have a go and now this is going to be a massive deal because I grabbed his face. I know I shouldn't of I'm so sleep deprived and he was just looking at me like a piece of scum and I'm so tired I just lost it

be fair, he is in the spare room with the older baby

By co sleep do you mean the baby is in your bed ? You sound far to exhausted for that to be safe . Also doesnt sound like it is working.
You both we're overreacting. He should not of been aggressive in the first place . But you following him asking for the baby sounds also aggressive. At that point you are both obviously not thinking straight .
And it sounds like it was unsafe to have happened whist he was holding the baby.
Does the baby nap well during the day? Are you managing to get anysleep then? That was the only way I coped with solo night feeds/settling .

I think you sound sleep deprived and as a result have gotten very stressed. I think you should have left the baby with him and gone off for some much needed sleep. I am not saying you shouldn’t have been annoyed with his attitude but for one thing it would allow him to see how difficult it is for himself and give you a short break.

This, I'd he's having older dc from 2/3am every night then neither of you are getting unbroken sleep.
Why did you follow him?

And? He’s obviously got the best end of the deal. Why not take it in turns with the op then as to who looks after the baby.

When my baby was small, my DH put me through a similar time... The hardest part wasn’t a screaming newborn, breastfeeding, or lack of sleep. It was him. Luckily I had the mental strength to get through it. Different story if I’d had PND. I’ve blocked it out now, but I wouldn’t have another baby for this reason. If I got pregnant, I’d dump my husband.

You sound totally sleep deprived and at the end of your tether. Probably poor behaviour on both parts. He shouldn’t have been critical and angry and you shouldn’t have followed. Just taken the 30 minutes however it was offered and then he might have seen how difficult it is. Feel for you op it’s not easy.

This might help.. www.cry-sis.org.uk

I must have been charmingly old-fashioned. Toddler fast asleep in their room and neither of us would have countenanced them moving into our bed. We were working on getting the baby to sleep through - in their cot, in their bedroom. Our first took 6 weeks and our second took 8 weeks. There would have been no way my husband would have been shrieking about getting 30 minutes sleep because he's a rational adult and there is no way that I would have considered co-sleeping because of the risks. He does sound extraordinarily annoying though and a five week baby is very young and almost nobody can get a 5 week old baby to sleep through.

nothing "charmingly oldfashioned" - just a freak set of genetics giving you two uncommonly good sleepers, I would guess that things would have very quickly looked a lot less "charming" if either one of your children had shown a more normal sleeping pattern

I agree with every word of this.

I really don't like this trend of fathers absenting themselves from their partner and baby at night just because they work. It must be so isolating op and then to verbally abuse you. I'm not surprised that you reacted.

In theory it's fine that the mother does most of the night waking if the baby is breastfed, but that doesn't mean that the men can just ignore a distressed partner when they need some practical and emotional support.

He does sound abusive to me, but only you know if this is a general pattern or a horrible one off.

Exactly! Would love to have had their opinion if they’d had my 2 kids. One born premature and waking every hour for a night feed and another just not sleeping at night until 4 years old. People should try spending the majority of 4 years on 2 hours sleep per night and then come back and say they would not have been shrieking about getting 30 minutes sleep. Sleep deprivation is mental torture and can make you feel as if you’re going mentally insane!

Wow, he is a nasty cunt. You’ll never receive support or understanding from this man. He doesn’t see what you’re doing, he doesn’t get it.

I suspect he got woken up by the baby, felt angry about it and stormed in to have a go at you and make out he’s some sort of fucking hero.

He’s not. He’s vile.

You are so tired and sleep deprived.
Get in touch with your HV and see what can be recommended. You will get through this but it is very hard for you at the moment.
Try to tune out from it all, headphones on, some soothing music.
It will get better.

I think you both behaved badly. He was fine to offer to settle the baby but when you said no, he should have just handed the child back to you rather than starting an argument. Obviously you shouldn't have gone for his face. When a relationship gets to the stage of physical aggression, then it's toxic and I'm afraid it's over. Both of you have a right to be upset but if a partner flew at my face to assault me, it would be game over.

Get rid of the cunt, he's the abusive one.

Regardless of the whys and wherefores, you cannot physically grab your partner in anger and then act surprised when that blows an already volatile situation up further. I think he was a dick in his attitude but equally why did you keep chasing him around the house yelling that you never get any help when he was there with the baby saying for you to go and sleep? You wouldn’t have got any less rest than if he’d just left you to it but equally it would’ve been a breather from shouting at each other.. which also wasn’t helping. He wasn’t being kind and his attitude was cruel but the middle of the night, frazzled, with an unsettled baby wasn’t the time for that. ive acted like a proper cunt to my husband in the middle of the night with a newborn and he’s been a twat to me, we’re otherwise nice kind people with a good relationship, that lack of sleep just makes you… weird.

He’s goaded you until you have snapped. Which doesn’t take much 5 weeks post partum. The language of deranged etc is to try and destabilise you even further when lack of sleep already skews reality. It really is a form of torture! I have no advice but just wanted to come and say you are not mad or crazy and I remember those horrendous sleep deprived nights and how bone deep exhausting it is. He should be supporting you not pushing you even further to breaking point. But only you know if this represents a wider problem in your relationship or if he is knackered and lashing out too. Take care

You're both very tired. You have just had a baby. You were at breaking point and he said the wrong thing, even though he was trying to make things easier.

You reacted strongly because the sense of rejection from a crying baby is intense, as well as exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed and then in he walks and adds to all your negative emotions.

Remember that he has been listening to a crying baby too and was upset too. Crying babies do that to adults. They affect us deeply, viscerally.

He should have been more understanding towards you, but I wonder if deep down he was feeling fear that you, the central caring figure in baby's life, weren't coping and things could unravel. His 'pull yourself together' attitude was wrong - massively wrong in this instance- but I think he just wanted some order and strength at that moment when everyone was fraught and you and baby were both screaming. He'd have been better to have given you some encouragement and empathy at that point, but he didn't.

Your reaction was completely understandable in the circumstances. Unfortunately it confirmed his fears and set him off on a strategy of shaming you for your outburst.

This was intolerable to you in your heightened, desperate state and you felt a wave of anger towards him. In a way, you were defending what was left of your dignity. It just ended up being a bit horrible. I'm sure you don't normally grab and pinch faces like a frustrated toddler, but his attitude was just too much for you after all you've been through recently.

Take this as a sign that you are massively tired and need proper support before you get to this point in future.

Around 6 weeks, babies often go through a period of being very hungry and unsettled at night. It's normal and is related to growth. It will get easier if you carry on feeding on demand.

In the meantime, try not to get into a theme of blame and shame with your husband. You will get through this. Babies challenge every fibre of us and parents have to be kind to each other to get past the unreasonable times with them.

This is horrendous OP. Sounds very similar to my exH and his absolute inability to empathise. I bf every 1.5 hours, couldn't sleep at all, had several breakdowns and have anxiety and insomnia still 20yrs later. Looking back he was absolutely AWFUL. 14months between our two. He once randomly told me, "if I was going to fall down the stairs carrying his baby, to make sure I throw myself in front of the baby". To all intents and purposes, outwardly he was charming, funny, intelligent and a 'good dad'. When he had a mid life crisis and dabbled with drugs affair a couple of years later,guess who was abused to fuck and gaslit? I survived, and sincerely hope you can too. Please see your GP. Diazepam calmed me for short periods albeit I still had almost zero sleep. 💐

His shocking behaviour aside, this is normal for a newborn baby.

I used to use two V-pillows......one pointed side up behind my back and head to support me.

I'd lay down.

2nd pillow point facing towards my feet, with the arms of the V tucked under my arms.

I'd then sleep with baby on my chest, with no risk of her falling or me dropping her.

With an older child, I once fell asleep sat up with her and woke to her falling off me. So I never risked that again.

Either that or safe co-sleeping following The Lullaby Trust guidelines

I don't think either of you are abusive, you're just both stressed and knackered, you more so.

Tell DH you want to calmly talk about it when he comes home from work. He probably feels that he was trying to help and you've become hysterical. You feel like he was just compounding the stress of the situation. Try to come up with a plan if (when) it happens again.

I agree that your HV would be a good source of advice, not about your relationship, but about how to cope with a young baby and no sleep.

Why are posters defending him saying he’s tired? He’s slept in the spare room since day one and left the OP to it.

Nothing justifies grabbing someone's face in anger. Especially when they are holding a baby - whatever the circumstances of this had been a man who had done it you would be told to pack your bags asap! I think you overreacted. The middle of the night is not the time to have the discussion about who does what care and I'm assuming he also has work etc? If he isn't pulling his weight at night, talk to him about it during the day, don't chase him round the house screaming then assault him at night!

How did you work on getting a 6wo to sleep through?