Did you marry an incompatible person?

[Elizabeth1985]

Had kids and realised that they were wrong all along and you married for wrong reasons? Have you stayed or left? My marriage is like that and I ponder about my options and what is a scary future.

Yes. We're still together for now but it's difficult, we see the world completely differently, tackle each problem in a completely different way even identify completely different things as problems.

It's not a life I'd wish on anyone, everything feels like a battle and a very lonely one at that.

Yes, we divorced and share the kids 50/50. It was bloody awful for a few years, but because we didn’t have any massive falling out/infidelity we are very amicable now. Divorce is financially disastrous though. I’m a lot happier now (7 years on) but I don’t know how to judge if it was the right thing to do (the right thing to do would have been not to marry him in the first place). It is what it is.

Yes - together 18 years, split 7 years ago. I think I got together with him purely to escape the situation at home with me DM.

Yes, and left when the kids were young, they are now teens. I met someone else who I'm now married to and am happier than I could ever have been. For me it was the right decision.

Yes.
I ended it when DD was 1. She's now 5. Kids need to see what a real relationship is. A normal, healthy relationship. Not the shit show we were. He's a great dad but my god we were so wrong for each other from day 1. We were together 12 years when we split.
Life is too short.

Yes, together 23 years and currently divorcing. I can see now that we were never right for eachother, but I was heartbroken by the previous boyfriend and just wanted to settle down and have kids. We had a lot of fun and I hope we can stay friends but if I had my time again I would definitely have waited.

No but my parents are completely incompatible. It's a nightmare growing up in that situation. They are still together and a total misery. Though I think they love each other it's not enough.

I'd like to know the reasons you all think that you were/are incompatible? Especially in terms of bringing up children

Can I please ask how is your life now? Are you happy? In another relationship? Managing financially? This are some things I am pondering about.

Yes! Looking back, I was easy prey. I was a lone parent, working every hour god sent me and spending every precious moment with my DS, who really really really was (and is!) everything. I’m not from the UK originally so, no family close by to support me or bitch slap the stupidity out of me.

I met my ex at work. His validation of me and high praises for my work were the stuff of witchcraft! My self esteem was low and I was vulnerable. He changed all of that. I levitated when he was next to me. I just didn’t know it then how very vulnerable I was. It didn’t take long to see the incompatibility between us (within weeks of moving in together!) and honestly, it was those biggest of commitment steps, buying a house/getting married/have kids together, that really encouraged him to tear off the mask and go full commando into’Don’t Give a Fuck’ mode. There was a huge shift in his behaviour once we were locked into our lives together. He really showed his true colours. I was pregnant and to this day, I can acutely remember falling apart as I realised I’d made a terrible choice. BUT! For the kids I had with him, I’d do it again. So! There’s always a bright side.
I couldn’t have imagined it would turn out the way it did.
And yet… every red flag walked me down the aisle on the day we married. I knew it was bogus when we exchanged vows. I could feel his dishonesty. I could tell he just didn’t love people- not just me, nobody.
I carried on, trusted my own sunny narrative because it was safer than admitting that I didn’t trust him.
But that won’t take you all the way to happily ever after. Divorce was inevitable. What’s driven our divorce is unbelievable/unthinkable and for another thread.

All your responses are so helpful. For me it was a case of coming from a dysfunctional home and craving stability. As a result I have ended up in a dead bedroom and incompatible marriage:( now worried about coping financially with the nursery fees, rent/mortgage etc but I cant live like this.

This is so encouraging, thank you!

@WarrickDavisAsPlates Oh God, I am sorry to hear.. i am glad that you had happiness from having kids though! I am so curious as to what happened now you said it.

Yup. Had a child as that would make it better (face palm) Divorced 30 years ago. I feel horrible as I just didn’t think about it any where near as much as I should have done

Yes. Still together. It's like wading through mud. Wouldn't wish it on anyone

Just to answer your question, I feel more alive than I have in years. It’s taken a lot of rage and heavy lifting, but my tap is firmly set inside Zen’s trunk and I’m drinking in the nectar. My divorce has taken me on an intense spiritual and philosophical journey. I didn’t expect that in the least.
In my mind, I’m off to study Buddhism in Spain where the kids will thrive and heal. Reality will probably be more like swallowing Eckhart Tolle books while the kids sit on screens and moan about the weather (which we do a lot!). But it’s good to dream! I’d forgotten how wonderful it is to dream about life’s possibilities (even if it never happens, life itself happens and that’s good enough!).

I know that facing divorce is terrifying, OP. I’ll leave you with this quote by Pema Chodron, whose book Things Fall Apart is a perfect companion during times of adversity and/or awakening. She says,
”Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”
A lotta gold in that little nugget!

Solidarity fist bump, OP.
Dead bedroom for years! Honestly, I think I’m the Virgin Mary mark 2! Even my ex was like, how’d you get pregnant?
We used to joke about our dead bedroom because if we didn’t, I’d have choked to death on my bitter, bitter, bitter tears (believe me, I’ve cried them). I’m alone/single now, but celibacy on my terms doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s having celibacy unilaterally imposed upon me, without discussion, without my consent, with the expectation that I should be grateful for the home I clean and the crumbs of love he dropped for me to scoop up and relish slowly and with intention, as if that was good enough.
Fuck that shit. Don’t let the dead bedroom waste the best years of your sex life. Get fucked… Don’t get fucked over. 😆

gosh Some of this sounds familiar. Especially the wading through mud comment. I think it’s sometimes easy to lose sight of how different things could be with the right person.

Yep another one here. We share many personality traits, politics etc. But relationship wise we aren't compatible anymore. Many years ago we were but that has gone. Should've realised it when I met the in-laws!

This is a tough question. My DH has many qualities that I need in a partner and admire as a man however he has some annoying qualities but they aren't bad enough for me to leave. Admittedly my threshold of BS is very high but I did this exercise where you list what you want in your life and what your ideal man is and my DH was it.
I also listen my own pros and cons as objectively as one can and honestly, I'm not that great either and I don't say it because I'm low on self confidence or hard on myself, nor do I say it to make you doubt yourself, but looking at what he puts up with and what I offer and how this would stack up in real life dating at my age, with my DC (hate to say it but baggage) and the sort of men left and available for me it's just not appealing and not worth not seeing my DC everyday, not having a trusted adult every night should I wish to talk about something or go somewhere... I'd never be able to trust a stranger man around my DC to look after for example... so if I were starting over, with no children and met him as he is now and he met me as I am now I don't think we'd fancy each other beyond a one night stand maybe. We might be friends, but that's it. But life doesn't work out this way and there are no fairy tales. I don't believe you can get everything and I would sacrifice my sex life to be with my children everyday and to live a more financially comfortable life.. because guess what else kills mood for romance and sex? MONEY WORRIES. Worrying about where my children are, how they are getting on with the new Mummy and whether she's horrid to them or they prefer her to me.
Look at it objectively and accept that a sacrifice will have to be made, the question is what are you ready to compromise on?

Well, we're different people now to who we were. Older and two kids, different jobs, and different interests. Married 16 years, together 21 years.

DH is I suspect autistic as our DC are. I do all emotional support as DH can't and I'm exhausted. We spend most evenings in separate rooms - me in the living room and him in his study. When I found sex uncomfortable he didn't want to talk about it. When I had to come off the pill due to horrendous migraines, he didn't want to talk about it. When menopause hit and all the discomfort that comes with, he still doesn't want to talk about it. He just can't do emotions- I thought he was the strong silent type!

He does work very hard, does 50/50 on chores (as do I) but I'm lonely quite a lot of the time. I love going to work as at least I get interaction, jokes, laughs, support and even being asked if I'm ok. I can't afford to leave, and I do love him, I'm just not in love.

In a similar situation. I met DH after coming out of a relationship with someone who was very much my type. I think I was attracted to DH because he was very different. I don't even know why we got married, TBH. And neither does he. We've had marriage counseling but it didn't help. He's a lovely, supportive and affectionate man who is a truly wonderful parent to our two DSs. But we haven't had a sex life for a number of years, and his passivity and deference are so very unattractive to me. We generally get on fine, and our boys are very happy so it seems unfair to blow their lives up because DH is just not right for me. So I'll stay. 😔

Yes, I’m divorced. Much happier but sad I got it so wrong if I think about it. I knew it wasn’t right in year three. Stayed for 18 years. ASD DC didn’t cope well with our divorce (DC were the reason I stayed so long).

In the end I couldn’t stay any longer. I woke up one day and thought god, I’d be gutted if one of my DC had a marriage like mine.

I could have written this - dysfunctional background, craved stability leading to dead, incompatible marriage. I was worried about splitting - the kids, finances etc.

Stayed years longer than I should have, finally separated 5 years ago after 20-odd years of marriage.

I'm a million times happier, kids are happier, he's living with someone else (he would never have ended it but jumped straight into another relationship, whereas I now have commitment issues, mainly because I enjoy my independence too much and won't compromise again! But I have fun dating 😄)

Don't stay in a dead marriage. Life really is too short and you need to live it.

We were compatible until life circumstances changed. We had no kids so we each looked after our own shit and it was never an issue. I was happy and didn’t need support, DH was happy too. I was fit and healthy so I did quite a bit of housework and was happy to cook.

But when I got pregnant DH gave me no support. When DC was born DH dumped it all on me and I became angry and resentful. Then perimenopause hit and I developed anxiety and tiredness, plus various other health issues, and again DH was unsupportive. Due to my health I struggled to keep up with housework and he started yelling and being angry about it. And he was promoted at work so he became constantly angry and stressed and mean, shouting and picking on me all the time.

We hate each other now. I wouldn’t say we married for the wrong reasons - the problem is he’s a shit husband. He was fine with “for better” but not capable of “for worse”. If we were rich and could afford nannies and cleaners we’d probably still be happy.