DC now have sibling via DH & OW how to cope

[Helpmethanks]

So
DH & OW now have their own baby

He left me for her and despite the age gap their relationship has flourished

The kids are excited about the baby -
its hard for me to hear!

Anyone been through anything similar got any coping tips ?

I don't have any tips but I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard but soon you will be used to it.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like a difficult situation.
I'd try to focus on your DC and maybe speak to someone about how you're feeling. It sounds and probably feels like an injustice. Your DC are allowed to be happy they have a sibling. A baby is innocent in this. Your children are allowed to be excited, just like you are allowed to feel deeply upset.
She could end up in your shoes in a few years down the line....who knows?

Wise /experienced folks will be along soon, but in the meantime 💐for you OP. This must be hard, but well done for allowing your children room to be excited about their sibling. That alone says you'll get past this.

So sorry, I can only imagine the pain.

Start by always referring to him as The Ex not DH. He's not your DH anymore.

Sounds like you're struggling to let him go which is completely understandable but your children have a different relationship with him.

He's still their father, so in that respect, not much has changed for them other than him adding to his family with an extra child by another woman.

You say their relationship has flourished but has it? She could have got pregnant and he feels he has no choice but to stick around now that he’s already ruined one family (until the next OW comes along at least).

With your DC the best thing to do is just say “that’s nice” and then either start talking about when they were babies to make it a more pleasant conversation or just completely but kindly change the subject.

Sorry you’re going through this OP

Wait till the kids are at their dad’s place. Then write a letter to your ex explaining just how shit he is and how much him having this baby has hurt you and how much of a cunt you think he is. Don’t hold back. Say all the horrible things you struggling to allow yourself to even think.
Then burn it.

Just don’t set anything on fire when you do it. A big steel pot will contain it fine.

Thanks
this is all so helpful
and can’t believe I wrote DH
how weird of me
must stop that immediately

Depending on the age gap, look at your freedom verses his having to start again.

My DCs are both high school age now, so I am on the cusp of their adulthood and the freedom that comes with it.

ExH and OW have pre schoolers who will be starting reception as the older kids leave school!

The novelty of the new baby will wear off - for the first few weeks your DC may become obsessed with the newborn and want to visit at every opportunity but after a few weeks, when they realise their sibling just sleeps, eats, gets it's nappy changed and cries, life should return to normality.

This is what happened with DSIS and DN. DSIS was very upset at DN suddenly wanting to be at her DF's all the time (DSIS was unable to have any further DC and was unable to provide DN with the sibling she longed for which didn't help). Life returned to normal after a few weeks. DN went back to just seeing her sibling on her DF's time.

The kids will understand one day how painful this must have been for you - when they’ve grown up and understood how much time these things take and therefore that their father most likely/definitely had an affair and got his mistress pregnant quickly.
Their own feelings will be mixed. That’s ok. Them being excited for now, is a good thing. It means they aren’t feeling rejected or replaced.

Im so glad I posted on here and am so glad for these replies

My dad did this

I no longer speak to him and have never met my siblings

I think you may find longer term you are supporting your DC through feeling like they take second place to the baby, and that their time with their dad revolves around the baby and what the baby needs. This will be harder to deal with as your DC will be hurt and may feel rejected. So, hard as it is, I would 'enjoy' this time when you're the only one feeling hurt. Definitely write an anger letter and enjoy burning it, and enjoy not being in the baby stage of your life any more.

@buildingourdreams same

Just the biggest betrayal isn't it 😞😞😞

Mines now been married to Ow longer than he was with my mum but I'll never forgive or accept it . My "Siblings" are teens and pre teens now . His oldest one is older than I was when my dad left which blows my mind a bit tbh

Anyway sorry for the derail but it sucks op I'm sorry x

Be the bigger person for this blameless child. Sounds v v similar to my DH’s family. His dad and the OW had a baby when he was about 9 and his DSis was about 7. His mum was an absolute star about it and I imagine that contributed to what a lovely close relationship he had (well, has) with his half sister.

They may be excited now but you now have older DC, who probably are toilet trained and sleep through the night. You'll feel better when you've got your freedom and your ex is looking somewhat haggard running around sleep-deprived after a non-toilet trained toddler. Your ex may have a new baby, which is a lovely innocent sibling for your DC, but he's is also going back to do all the hard grunt work again.

Hopefully the DC don't feel too left out and adjust well x

Your exH will be shattered and looking like shit in the coming weeks. Make sure you always look lovely and breezy (does the old ego good).

You will have days when you need to cry, don't tell the kids that it's about dad and new baby if they see you.

The kids will probably get fed up being second fiddle quite soon and have their own hurt to deal with. Never put their dad and the new baby down.

The whole situation is very sad, I went through it about 10 years ago. My children are not close to their half siblings (which is a shame actually) and they aren't close to their dad either.

So sorry OP. Your time will come when your heart will sing again x

Oh bless you and your dcs. I can understand their excitement and I’m sure you don’t want them to see your pain. Just remember you are their rock and the one, they come to. One day they will appreciate the sacrifice you made. I texted my dd this morning to have a good day. She’s almost 15. For the first time ever, she wished me a good day too. Little steps. Find something to give you joy, perhaps something to do just for you the times, when they visit the baby, even if it’s just a hot bubble bath or a daytime sleep.

Smugly remember what the sleepless nights are like op. Adding a baby to any family brings stress. It really won't be as blissful as you are imagining.. And exh will have pt df guilt added in.

Ex-H and OW had a baby about 18 months after the divorce. My DC were excited, I made myself grit my teeth and humoured them when they wanted to get the new baby a gift and card (I drew the line at signing the card though!) It’s important that you give your DC the freedom to express what they’re thinking/feeling so that they don’t feel like they have to censor what they say for fear of you being upset - it’s really really hard but imagine how difficult it would be for them if they had to be on eggshells trying not to slip up and mention OW/baby, especially if they need your support (as PP said, they might start to feel sidelined and they will look to you then for reassurance). My DC know my feelings towards OW and half-sibling but we’ve reached the stage where we can talk about things openly (and even light-heartedly) and they know they can tell me anything.

As far as ex-H goes, new baby and PTSD almost caused breakdown of his relationship with OW and he’s certainly found it challenging to manage his additional parenting responsibilities whereas I’ve enjoyed my kid-free time with my lovely DP so there’s lots to be thankful for! Give it time, you’ll pull through this.

Grit your teeth OP

It goes from a bit confusing to bemusing.