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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

will thing ever improve?

37 replies

ohdearohdear · 10/02/2008 21:55

dh and i have been seing a counsellor for a few months. A huge row(plus many others) last year made me realise that unless things change , i'll leave him. We have a ds, who is nearly 2. i enjoy my weekdays more than my weekends becuase then i'm with people i enjoy being with (most of the time) or its just me and ds. We get through most weekends ok , but i wouldn't say i enjoy them. dh and i haven't had sex for over 8 months and 99% of the time i don't feel attracted to him. Most nights we sleep separately too as his snoring disturbs me. In alot of ways he's a good h and dad, and i know that my life would be sooo different if we split up. i'm a sahm at the moment and for the forseeable future and my days are taken up with meeting friends, taking ds to classes, etc. If we split up i'd have to work full time and may lose touvh with all my "mummy" friends as we only meet up during the week. Surely i should look forward to us being together at the weekend, but i don't. Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Dior · 10/02/2008 21:58

Message withdrawn

Shaniece · 10/02/2008 22:09

The thing is, you and your kids get used to a certain lifestyle so it makes it so much harder to leave.

my DH snores very loudly and I have to wear ear plugs to bed which I really don't want to do with 2 young DC's. I am a SAHM and next month start working again after 6 years of being a SAHM (I can't wait). Being a SAHM can be rewarding but at the same time very demoralising too.

Could you possibly work Part time?
As for the sex thing I really don't know what to say, but I would quite happily go months without it too. I have sex to keep DH happy and that's not good.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 10/02/2008 22:11

thanks dior. i just don't know what to do. we're so different. i've build up so much more confidence and lots of friends since having ds, i just don't feel ds and i have much left between us. of course we have ds, but if we didn't...........

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearohdear · 10/02/2008 22:14

yes, i could work part time but to be honest i don't really want to. i love my life in the week. i'm not happy to have sex if i don't want to. dh never shows any interst either , which doesn't help things as i don't even feel that he's bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearohdear · 11/02/2008 21:57

bump

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TimeForMe · 11/02/2008 22:16

You sound as though you have got stuck in a rut. Are you interested in putting in the effort to make your relationship work, to get it back on track or, have you just given up?
If you are interested, you have to not put all the blame on your DH and start looking at your own attitude and behaviour, try and find ways that you can change so as to bring about a change in him. Try to see his good points as well as his bad ones too.

It seems to me that you have become bored with your relationship, that you get more satisfaction from your outside interests. Maybe at the wekend your DH is tired from working all week, and thats why he appears uninterested.

gloriana · 11/02/2008 22:26

Have you tried spending some time alone together - maybe a weekend away? It helps to try and remember why you fell for each other in the first place.

I know exactly what you mean about the sex as I find it so hard to keep things alive but it's so important. If only for your DS, you should try anything that might help.

Hoping that all goes well.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/02/2008 12:58

Timeforme - i think you've hit the nail on the head - i think am bored with our relationship and get alot more from things i do which don't involve dh. yes, i do want things to improve - for all of us. I know i have to look at how i am too - i,ve changed alot. I used to be quite dependant and clingy with dh but now it's the opposite. I sometimes think he's not so keen on the more capable me!

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 12/02/2008 13:07

Just as I thought, you have 'grown' so to speak, you have new found confidence. Your DH is more than likely just the same person he has always been but, because you have changed so much you see him in a different light now. Bit unfair really though isn't it? I can understand how you feel though, really I can.
Sometimes, I think we put a downer on things before they actually happen so they don;t stand a chance of being good. I think the same is happening to you and the time you have with your DH. You have got to the stage where you dread spending time with him because you don't find it fulfilling, therefore, all is lost before you even start. Do you think if you planned some funs things to do with your DH, something you would both enjoy, he would respond?

It can all be sorted out you know, with just a bit of effort

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/02/2008 18:07

yes, i could plan some things to do ,but then i resent it always being me who plans things (got another thread going on this!). Dh isn't one for planning. he has a demanding job and it often feels like all his thougts go into that and i get the left overs. he disagrees with this as he mades an effort round the house, which i know is good but i 'd like more than that maybe i shoukd just get on with planning and be glad he's usually happy to fit in with what i want to do??!!

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 12/02/2008 19:19

You got it! He sounds a good en' to me.
Try a different tac, tell him you are trying to plan something nice for you to do together but, you are really stuck for ideas. I bet he will have something to say then. Men are built to come up with solutions, they don't like problems but they like to come up with a solution. So, lets just say with a little crafy manipulation you can get what you desire without falling out

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/02/2008 22:08

thanks timeforme. think i'll just go along with planning things, giving him (with lots of hints) opportunity to suggest things - and see what happens. maybe that, along with the counseling could help us stay together and be happier??

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 12/02/2008 22:52

bump

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 13/02/2008 09:27

bump

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TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 11:49

So how are you feeling today? I'm hoping you feel more positive and quite excited at the prospect of changing your relationship

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 14/02/2008 12:42

we we''ll see. we've gt another counselling appt next week, although part of me is now thinking that if we wnat things to be better, we should be able to sort higns out ourselves. But no the counselling is probably helpful for the time being and she really seems to understand too

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 14/02/2008 12:51

Well, the counselling may help you to see things that ou are unable to see whilst in the midst of it, it may also help you to say things to each other that you wouldn't normally feel able to say. It also ensures that you are doing something positive to rebuild your relationship. Do you think you would both still put the effort in if you weren't having the counselling?

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 14/02/2008 14:38

i know i would, or would certainly try, not sure it's quite so easy for dh

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 14/02/2008 14:45

Things like this are never easy for a man, they tend to take it personally, feel they are being attacked and that they are the ones who have to change. Be patient with him

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 14/02/2008 15:04

yes, he very often does thake things personally and then gets v defensive and basically then has a toddler like strop!

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 14/02/2008 16:13

see, you have got a 'normal' man after all!

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 14/02/2008 23:04

he bought stuff to cook dinner for us tonight and then i had to help him !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearohdear · 15/02/2008 18:24

and earlier on he threw a strop whe he was supposed to be looking after ds becaused i was upset he hadn't shown any interst in what i was talking about. he says he can't show an interest and look after ds at the same time - he was only sitting with him while he was watching cbeebies so he didn't need much attention

OP posts:
ScruffyTeddy · 15/02/2008 19:12

You dont mention love in any of this? Do you still love him? Does he still love you?

If you're only still with him because you like not working and meeting your friends all day then perhaps it would be kinder (to both) to part company.

From your posts it seems you love the things you do which dont include him, but without him you wont be able to do them so you stay...a little unfair.

LittleMissTickles · 15/02/2008 19:28

I think this situation is very common really, especially with young children in the house. Your lives have changed so completely in the past 2 years, you need to find a way to connect again. It sounds to me like you do want to try, and he does too, which is a great start.

From personal experience I would avoid situations like a weekend away just the 2 of you just yet, as there may be too much pressure on both of you to be best friends again immediately, which is a bit unrealistic. I suggest making plans for weekends, out of your usual routine - eg trip to Legoland or drive to some new little town on a Sunday and have fab pub lunch (get recommendations) or even go to Eurodisney with DS - watching him enjoy himself may help? Good luck to you, fwiw I think you should hang in there, keep working at it and trying, and remember that things can change (and will change).

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