will thing ever improve?

[ohdearohdear]

dh and i have been seing a counsellor for a few months. A huge row(plus many others) last year made me realise that unless things change , i'll leave him. We have a ds, who is nearly 2. i enjoy my weekdays more than my weekends becuase then i'm with people i enjoy being with (most of the time) or its just me and ds. We get through most weekends ok , but i wouldn't say i enjoy them. dh and i haven't had sex for over 8 months and 99% of the time i don't feel attracted to him. Most nights we sleep separately too as his snoring disturbs me. In alot of ways he's a good h and dad, and i know that my life would be sooo different if we split up. i'm a sahm at the moment and for the forseeable future and my days are taken up with meeting friends, taking ds to classes, etc. If we split up i'd have to work full time and may lose touvh with all my "mummy" friends as we only meet up during the week. Surely i should look forward to us being together at the weekend, but i don't. Anyone got any advice?

thanks lmt. i'd love to plan a few things for us to do, just resent it a bit that I always have to do all the planning. maybe i should just get on with it and see what happens?

Anyone else got any thought on this? Mumsnet is so helpful in these situations!

Are you bringing exactly how you feel to the counselling sessions? IME the only way forward is to do this - say what you would say here, keep none of your feelings out of it. that is the best way to move forward and find happiness for for you all.

What comes across more than anything in your OP is that you and DH have got totally separate lives. You have your own littel world during the week, DH is busy providing, and then at weekends you have nothing to say to eachother. I agree that you need to start doing some family things at weekends. don't resent the fact that you have to arrange them - DH is busy working,and tbh if i were a SAHM I'd see it as my responsibility to organise days out etc simply because you have more time.
The other things that strikes me is you sound as if YOU have a lovely relationship with your ds, but does DH? Or is he pushed out? DS is every bit as much his child too you know!
I really agree with the post which suggested getting a P/T job. IMO it can often be a big factor in getting a positive relationship back. You and DH will have more equal roles and you'll have a better understanding of how he might feel. You sound stuck in a rut right now and you need to take action to get back on track

thnaks. i've thought about getting a part time job but really i don't want to yet. also from other people i've talked to it seems that it brings its own stresses eg. when ds is ill and can't go to nursery , it would always be me having to take time off, etc

No, it wouldnt always have to be you, because this is DHs child too, and you would both be entitled to a certain amount of time off. And tbh, not getting a job because of the rare occasions that your child is going to be ill is ridiculous. It's like saying, why bother getting a job at all, because I might get ill and need a couple of days off!!It seems to me that you've built up a cosy life for yourself on weekdays and don't want to shift from it, even though you know your relationship with DH isn't in a good way. Any kind of change feels threatening, because when you're in a rut, even if it's not a good place to be, it's familiar. Don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you and DH will just drift even further apart unless you're proactive.

i suppose in a way that's true. I have built myslef up a good life during the week, and dont want it to stop at the moment. We have discussed me getting a job and because of dh's job it would often be very hard for him to take time off at short notice. I know it';s not a reason not to get a job, it's just a compication we don't have at the moment. Maybe i should just get on with organising things for us and accept that dh isn't a "planner" at home and be grateful for the good things i have? Someone said to me a true test of if you still wnat to be with someone is to imagine life without them and them biulding a new life with someone else. I find the thought of that almost unbearable. maybe that says something?

Definitely. Sounds like you fundamentally know you're with the right man, it's just you've got in a rut. Don't beat yourself up, it's not that unusual. FWIW I think when you have your first child and one parent stays at home, it's probably one of the most tricky times for many couples. You go from being a working couple to suddenly having very different roles, and it's so easy to drift apart without realising it. I would definitely be proactive in organising things - I bet your DH will be pleased to have something planned for weekends.

Also, think about how different the stages are in your DS's life - he changes so much in just 6 months, as you know. And you will not even be able to imagine how different your life will be in a couple of years' time when he goes to school etc. It will not always be exactly as now. Not really sure what I am trying to get to here, but perhaps it is that if you are married to a good man and there is respect and love in the relationship, it is worth working at it and planning things etc. Another possibility is having an 'official' monthly plan, where you TAKE TURNS planning something (surprise, and FUN) for the first weekend of the month? What do you think? He might surprise you. It would have to be in both your diaries etc. You go first, and make sure yours is awesome.

Hope the counselling is going OK, its really hard to face up to truths that on you know (inside). Your situation sounds sad, weekends are shit my end too. Want him to spend time with baby but he wants to veg out or go to the tip! Its really hard, we have big expectations of trips to the park, happy meals at he pub with friends, romantic evenings with a film, just not happening for most of us.

thanks. dh does spend time with ds at the weekend and is quite happy to take him out if i wabt to do something on my own, shopping, swimming, etc. the idea of taking turns to plan things is good in theory but i know it won't work for us and dh just doesn't plan and then we he forgets. we'll end up having a row. (we've tried this before) Occasionally if he's taken time off work, he'll plan something. maybe i should just take charge of things we do and try not to resent it?

Yeah, I would. If he's someone who just doesnt plan ahead, you're probably going to be banging your head against a brick wall. It's not worth rowing about. Use your time during the week to plan some nice activities and enjoy them as a family.