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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf family are always bringing up his ex

26 replies

Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:34

Long story short ... when i met him him and his ex wife hung out and she texted him 30 times a day and it was back and forth hey hun .. ok hun from both of them. It was behind my back but i found out and then she was starting to ask if she could call and tell her when i wasnt around.. we pretty much got over that bc he has stopped but she still had showen up bc she thought i wouldnt be there to his mutual friends. And texted randomly the other week! Now it is getting to me that no matter where or what is going on his friends and family seem to want to bring her up to me or arpund me. The other week his sister did in my own hosue while i walked out the room amd he was shushing her bc i was there! This was bothersome bc why does he need to talk about her or care? Why is it a secret? Now again last night his sister in law brought up there wedding! Which he says he will never marry again so this bothers me as well now i have to hear about how he married some other woman! They have been seperated 10 heaes and no kids! Am i wrong for being upset about this?

OP posts:
fluffylampbear · 05/03/2023 12:37

I think you need to have an honest convo with your BF about how upsetting you find this, then it's on him to confront his family.

frazzledasarock · 05/03/2023 12:39

How long have you and your boyfriend been together?

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:41

Sadly i have and he doesnt see any wrong about it... i have asked him to simply let pwople know that he doesnt care to hear or know about her. And well i feel if that was happening it would stop and if this is happening to me im sure he is just talking about her while im not around.. i dont feel he cares about my feelings or that there is no need for him to hear or talk about her weatger im around or not. I dont think it woukd be such a big deal to me but she caused alot of problems between us amd i already told him he can do what he wants but my boundry is if he wants her in his life i will step aside and he can have her!

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Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:42

3 and a half years

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fluffylampbear · 05/03/2023 12:43

sounds like your BF is the problem here as much as his family! Do you want to stay with someone with whom you feel so insecure?

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:45

I agree 100% and i guess thats what im doing here. Im so confused bc i get told im wrong and it shoukdnt bother me pretty much.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 05/03/2023 12:48

Your boyfriend seems to enjoy the secrecy and feeling he’s making you feel jealous.

do you want to put up with the disrespect from him?

he is behaving like he wants to be with her.

dump him.

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:51

I dont believe he wants her i just am sick of hearing about her. Why would anyome think i want to hear about his wedding with her 🤔 or anything else wiyh them as she has cuased so many issues already!

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Thelifeofawife · 05/03/2023 12:52

His ex clearly hasn’t moved on and loves the idea of still having some sort of hold over him, and he needs to step well back and make it clear that you come first which it sounds like he is trying to do that by not contacting her like he used to. Explain that you know he’s taken your feelings on board but that you need a bit more support from him.
It’s very disrespectful for his family and friends to still be going on about her when you’ve been together so long. It may be worth pointing out that you’d like to have a better relationship with his family and friends but this creates a barrier.
Basically you need to approach it differently, so he doesn’t feel like you’re saying he’s doing something wrong and also that you want a good relationship with the people that are important to him (which will be much better for him).

Why did they split up? Unless it was that he did something very wrong, if this situation continues I would simply reply to comments about her something along the lines of “well obviously BF doesn’t think she’s so great or he wouldn’t have divorced her”, or start talking/asking about their exes in front of their partners - sometimes you have to be blunt

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:53

But that is correct in the part that do i want to keep doing this? Is it worth it? And truly i dont feel he ever has my back or side with anyone. Im always wrong and everyome is right in his eyes!

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Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:55

She cheated on him.. and i have totally thought about doing that i just dont want the drama it will cause.

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Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:59

Thanks ladies i have some things to think about i guess 😔

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MercyLewis · 05/03/2023 13:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thelifeofawife · 05/03/2023 13:53

So from now on you either need to say “do I really need to keep hearing about her” to his family/friends or you need to say “I’m surprised you still have time for her given she cheated on him”/“BF doesn’t think so given she cheated on him”
and if they say anything about that he was previously still in touch with her just say you’re surprised he didn’t have a better support network that he felt he needed her in his life still.

But most definitely do not cheat on him as well. That would be awful. Leave him if you can’t sort things out, cheating won’t change anything only hurt him

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 13:59

Thank you thay is a good way to react for sure i do like it and honestly id never cheat i am definitly thinking of leaving him tho i have a feeling it will never stop! And i dont think i need to keep feeling like this 😕 it hurts more thinking that it happens behind my back as we do not go anywhere together much. Amd wondering why he needs to hear about her. I would love to talk about it with him hut tuat will just be a huge fight and him on defense.

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Hawkins003 · 05/03/2023 14:02

We sure he's not still seeing her

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 05/03/2023 14:35

Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:45

I agree 100% and i guess thats what im doing here. Im so confused bc i get told im wrong and it shoukdnt bother me pretty much.

He's got you dancing the Pick Me Dance for him, & he loves the feeling of power it gives him, making sure you are always on the back foot.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

He sounds like an absolute tool - why not leave him, & be happy?

Mari9999 · 05/03/2023 14:35

It sounds as though yoh have established a boundary for yourself that you are not willing to enforce. In effect your boundary establishes limits for you not limits for him.

You do not wish to be in a relationship if he thinks about or engages in discussion about his ex. He seems to be comfortable doing both. Rather than blaming him for doing that which he is comfortable doing, you should be asking yourself why is it that you are unwilling or unable to leave the relationship as your own boundary dictates?

Clearly, you put a boundary in place that you have no intention of respecting. Your boundary was to describe what action YOU would take if certain things occurred. You feel that those things are continuing to occur, the ball is in your court.if

Iusethem · 05/03/2023 14:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FiddleLeaf · 05/03/2023 14:41

The way you worded this is interesting - she texted him 30 times a day and it was back and forth.

So he was texting her 30 times a day too.

I think he’s the problem & you’re hoping it’s her.

WinterMusings · 05/03/2023 14:42

Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 12:53

But that is correct in the part that do i want to keep doing this? Is it worth it? And truly i dont feel he ever has my back or side with anyone. Im always wrong and everyome is right in his eyes!

@Mel7969

please tell me that's not your birth date in your username? If it is you are FAR too old to be acting like this.

(I'm 1969 baby)

Irrespective of the Ex, why would you waste your time with someone who makes you feel like this??

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 05/03/2023 14:46

Why are you wasting 3 1/2 years on a man so tightly bound up in a previous relationship? Find your self-respect and ditch him.

Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 14:51

Thank you i actually just said this same thing to my mom!

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Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 14:53

Lol thank you but no it is not my birthdate

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Original poster
Mel7969 · 05/03/2023 14:54

I def think he is being a part of the problem as well...

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