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Original poster

He saw him cheat. What should I do?

37 replies

SpringTulips22 · 05/03/2023 06:17

My partner was on a night out with some friends, one of whom was the DH of a friend of mine. They have young kids together. My partner saw him get flirty with a girl, who then sat on his lap, they got touchy-feely and proceeded to kiss. My partner confronted him about it, and he brushed it off and undermined him, implying it's just the way it is/as though he does it all the time. Now I don't know whether to tell my friend, or not to meddle in their relationship. I feel so bad for her, and it's awkward carrying this information. Any advice?

OP posts:
LadyGaGasPokerFace · 05/03/2023 06:22

That’s a hard one. Sometimes the messenger gets shot. I just would back away from this guy as a friend. But I’m a coward 😳
Maybe leave it with your dp as he saw it all.

UnseenBits · 05/03/2023 06:24

I would personally tell her as I'd want to know if it were the the other way around.

Bigmummaof2 · 05/03/2023 06:35

If it was my friend, I would absolutely tell her. This guy sounds like a POS.

Beeeeeeeee · 05/03/2023 06:39

I would text him that you’re updating your friend this evening and it would be kinder if he came clean beforehand

barmycatmum · 05/03/2023 06:42

Disgusting. And the gaslighting of your husband! Completely disgusting.

I would tell her, because I myself would want to be told. :( poor woman.

growgrowinggrown · 05/03/2023 06:57

I agree with others, if you'd like to be told yourself then you should be willing to do the telling.

If (more likely when) his cheating comes out in future and she finds out her friend knew all along it will crush her even more.

letthatmango · 05/03/2023 06:57

I’d tell her, she will feel doubly betrayed if she finds out about his grim behaviour and then finds out you knew what a creep he is.

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:00

I wouldn’t tell her unless it was a very close friend. You don’t know the ins and outs of the relationship and unless this friend is someone who is a years long almost family life friend I wouldn’t get involved.

shopmyfeelings · 05/03/2023 07:01

I'd tell her too. This isn't a rumour you're not sure of, you have a direct witness.

She might be angry at you initially for being the messenger but she definitely needs to know. Unless of course they are open or have an 'arrangement' but it seems unlikely.

MargoDeWitt · 05/03/2023 07:03

If she is truly your friend, then you have no option but to tell her. It may be the confirmation that she needs to end an unhappy marriage. Or the trigger to look more closely at what is going on.
If I found out that friends knew and didn't tell me, then they wouldn't be my friends anymore.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 05/03/2023 07:12

It depends how strong your friendship is. Is she likely to leave this guy over what he'll undoubtedly position as a 'drunken kiss'? You risk fracturing your friendship, and the relationship between the two guys would definitely be over.

Aubree17 · 05/03/2023 07:12

If you tell her there is a high risk this will be the end of your friendship.
Especially if she chooses to forgive him and move on.
I wouldn't tell, but would be there in the future to support her when she inevitably finds out how he behaves.

roseopose · 05/03/2023 07:46

I told a friend her boyfriend kissed someone else when I was in my early twenties, the outcome was she hated me, he hated me, a lot of our friendship group hated me..unsure why really as I would have wanted to know myself and thought she would too. My own boyfriend was also annoyed at me because he was the one that saw the kiss not me. It's a tough one- they'll probably stay together because given there's no real evidence he'll probably weasel his way out of it for now until the next time. But it is hard to know something like that and be around the couple. Would your DH say anything to the friend and encourage him to tell his wife? Then at least you've tried.

ittakes2 · 05/03/2023 07:47

I would seek out her best friend and ask her what to do with the hope she tells her and then supports her during the process. She’s more likely to believe her best friend and less likely to shoot the messenger

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/03/2023 07:49

Stay out of it. She will most likely choose him and your friendship will be over either because he will lie or because she is embarrassed.

Keepfocused · 05/03/2023 07:56

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wildlifeobserver1 · 05/03/2023 08:10

Absolutely tell her. She deserves to know

shapeless1 · 05/03/2023 08:11

Tell her. I’d feel more humiliated if I found out later and knew you knew all along

ShakespearesBlister · 05/03/2023 08:13

roseopose · 05/03/2023 07:46

I told a friend her boyfriend kissed someone else when I was in my early twenties, the outcome was she hated me, he hated me, a lot of our friendship group hated me..unsure why really as I would have wanted to know myself and thought she would too. My own boyfriend was also annoyed at me because he was the one that saw the kiss not me. It's a tough one- they'll probably stay together because given there's no real evidence he'll probably weasel his way out of it for now until the next time. But it is hard to know something like that and be around the couple. Would your DH say anything to the friend and encourage him to tell his wife? Then at least you've tried.

This. The same thing happened to me. He managed to convince her that I was just jealous of them and trying to split them up. The outcome I lost a friend and was hated by them both. I wouldn't do it again. Or at least if I did it would be anonymous.

I'd say don't do it. But if you are going to do it, do it in a way she won't know it's you (anonymous) and wait a long enough time that her partner won't put 2 and 2 together and realise it's because of what your DH saw.

letthatmango · 05/03/2023 08:33

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Totally agree, I can’t get over the idea it’s better to let her live a false life, at risk of STDs, the dreadful truth that she’s making life changing decisions without full disclosure than the ‘possibility’ she might ditch you as a friend.

I can categorically say in my friendship group we value honesty over anything.

I know what sort of friend I am and I’m not one who would ever betray another friend d like this, even if it did risk our friendship.

And Keelung quiet always feels like you’re colluding with the creep doing this to his wife. No way could I do that.

Zanatdy · 05/03/2023 10:59

Yes I’d absolutely tell my friend

Johnisafckface · 05/03/2023 13:23

Bigmummaof2 · 05/03/2023 06:35

If it was my friend, I would absolutely tell her. This guy sounds like a POS.

This

AnyFucker · 05/03/2023 13:38

I would tell your friend. And also examine the behaviour of your partner, his minimisation of cheating speaks volumes

category12 · 05/03/2023 13:41

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This.

Friend of mine (before I knew her) had a boyfriend who cheated on her and lots of their mutual friends knew. When she realised, it was even more humiliating and upsetting for her that people she thought were her friends hadn't let her know.

So yeah, it might be that your friend will stay with him anyway and cut you out, but it's shitty to be complicit in him fooling her. At least she'll be making informed choices.

What if you don't tell her and she has more kids with him or becomes more dependent on him by giving up work or using an inheritance or paying his debts or doing all those things you do with/for a partner you trust or be putting up with other behaviours she doesn't like but doesn't think are "worth" ending things over? What if he gives her an STI that ruins her fertility or threatens her health?

Let her know.

andweallsingalong · 05/03/2023 13:51

AnyFucker · 05/03/2023 13:38

I would tell your friend. And also examine the behaviour of your partner, his minimisation of cheating speaks volumes

I read it as OPs partner was outrages and confronted.

Then the cheating partner of the friend brushed it off and minimised, not OPs partner.

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