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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He saw him cheat. What should I do?

37 replies

SpringTulips22 · 05/03/2023 06:17

My partner was on a night out with some friends, one of whom was the DH of a friend of mine. They have young kids together. My partner saw him get flirty with a girl, who then sat on his lap, they got touchy-feely and proceeded to kiss. My partner confronted him about it, and he brushed it off and undermined him, implying it's just the way it is/as though he does it all the time. Now I don't know whether to tell my friend, or not to meddle in their relationship. I feel so bad for her, and it's awkward carrying this information. Any advice?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 05/03/2023 14:00

Please tell her then she can decide what to do. My friend told me my dh was cheating on me as she saw him out in expensive restaurant all over OW. I decided to boot him out and be on my own. I just kept thinking what if she had not told me. I was very thankful she was such a good friend to me.

Hawkins003 · 05/03/2023 14:10

Basically I understand your perspectives, but as others have said it's a mix as to the response you'll get

FiddleLeaf · 05/03/2023 14:12

As he was confronted I would absolutely tell her what happened. Stick to the facts.

Beaverbridge · 05/03/2023 14:21

I'd want to know if I was her.

camelCase · 05/03/2023 14:38

growgrowinggrown · 05/03/2023 06:57

I agree with others, if you'd like to be told yourself then you should be willing to do the telling.

If (more likely when) his cheating comes out in future and she finds out her friend knew all along it will crush her even more.

This. I have a family member whose "D"H had been cheating on her for years, every business trip, lads holiday, nights out etc but what hurt her more was that all the mutual friends they had all knew about it months (some years) before it all came to light. Very similar fashion the husbands had been with him on nights out/holidays and seen the flirting/kissing and had told their wives and none of them told her what had been seen, she felt very betrayed.

Btjdkfnn · 05/03/2023 14:40

I'd tell her the truth. Be prepared for her to end the friendship though. These things often don't work out. She may be trapped with him through circumstances, especially with little kids.

weightymatters73 · 05/03/2023 14:43

Having been in this situation quite some time ago now, I think there is only one course of action, tell her anonymously. I would never tell someone personally, as I have seen the messenger being blamed before...

DH and I debated long and hard about what to do, my feeling was to anonymously tell her (and I would probably do that in the future). DH (who had actually seen the husband with the OW) went with "I'll have a word next time I see him".

As it turned out we never saw either of them again - they went from friends, to us being dropped like a hot brick.

I have no idea what or whether he told his wife - I did wonder what he told her to cut us off like that....

AnyFucker · 05/03/2023 15:09

@andweallsingalong you are right. I misread. Sorry, op. Your partner did the right thing.

category12 · 05/03/2023 15:40

weightymatters73 · 05/03/2023 14:43

Having been in this situation quite some time ago now, I think there is only one course of action, tell her anonymously. I would never tell someone personally, as I have seen the messenger being blamed before...

DH and I debated long and hard about what to do, my feeling was to anonymously tell her (and I would probably do that in the future). DH (who had actually seen the husband with the OW) went with "I'll have a word next time I see him".

As it turned out we never saw either of them again - they went from friends, to us being dropped like a hot brick.

I have no idea what or whether he told his wife - I did wonder what he told her to cut us off like that....

Personally I think telling someone, especially a friend(!) anonymously is a shitty thing to do.

They'll just be wondering who has it in for them or their partner, and whether it's true or whether it could be a lie, and not knowing whether the person telling them has their best interests at heart or is the affair partner or whatever.

And if you're a friend of that person, how can you look them in the face if they're distressed about being told this horrible thing anonymously and pretend it's new to you and it wasn't you? I think that's awful, little better than their partner lying to them about cheating, and not the act of a friend.

In your case, obviously the cheating husband lied about you and cut you off to avoid it coming out. That's why "having a word" with the cheater is a bad idea.

username1722 · 05/03/2023 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

100%.

OP, if you're truly friends with her, you owe it to her to tell her and not let her live a lie. Surely you'd expect your friends to tell you if they saw your DH cheating on you.

Or imagine if she finds out in the future and know that you knew all along and said nothing.

I'm surprised this is even a thread. If I found out someone was cheating on one of my friends, I'd tell her immediately.

weightymatters73 · 09/03/2023 16:43

category12 · 05/03/2023 15:40

Personally I think telling someone, especially a friend(!) anonymously is a shitty thing to do.

They'll just be wondering who has it in for them or their partner, and whether it's true or whether it could be a lie, and not knowing whether the person telling them has their best interests at heart or is the affair partner or whatever.

And if you're a friend of that person, how can you look them in the face if they're distressed about being told this horrible thing anonymously and pretend it's new to you and it wasn't you? I think that's awful, little better than their partner lying to them about cheating, and not the act of a friend.

In your case, obviously the cheating husband lied about you and cut you off to avoid it coming out. That's why "having a word" with the cheater is a bad idea.

Show quote history

Though it would be a choice of not telling them or telling them anonymously. ...in this case I didn't know the wife well enough to meet her alone.

Out of the two I would tell anonymously.

At least anonymously gives the wife the thought space to check it out and decide what to do. I still think very badly and have no contact with the person who did it to my friend.

In this case I could list a date, a situation, location and a description of the OW, which could be checked. (Airport, "Business trip", and DH could see where they were headed off to which wasn't a business destination) The wife in this case was pregnant and had a baby who had just turned one.

category12 · 09/03/2023 17:04

weightymatters73 · 09/03/2023 16:43

Though it would be a choice of not telling them or telling them anonymously. ...in this case I didn't know the wife well enough to meet her alone.

Out of the two I would tell anonymously.

At least anonymously gives the wife the thought space to check it out and decide what to do. I still think very badly and have no contact with the person who did it to my friend.

In this case I could list a date, a situation, location and a description of the OW, which could be checked. (Airport, "Business trip", and DH could see where they were headed off to which wasn't a business destination) The wife in this case was pregnant and had a baby who had just turned one.

Show quote history

Then it's not a relevant scenario to the OP as she IS a friend of the wife.

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