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Original poster

AIBU

32 replies

misspinredhill · 04/03/2023 22:13

AIBU?

Please can someone help me get some perspective, I want to understand if I am being unreasonable as me and my OH just can't see eye to eye on this

My sister is due to graduate in America in a few months, it is a dream come true for her and has been something that she has wanted for a long time, my whole family or most of my family is planning to go, my husband and DC were invited, however due to work my husband can't travel, I would like to go but it would mean leaving him and my DC for 1 week, I can ask my DMIL to help out for the week which she is happy to do.

The problem is he is incredibly upset that I want to go, he says we have different values, his view is if we both couldn't go then he wouldn't go which I just don't understand? I don't know why he would want me to miss out on this trip, it's not often that my family gets together and whilst I'm upset he can't come I really want to go.

AIBU? I just can't see his perspective and we have had so many fights about it, is it unreasonable for me to want to go away for 7 days without him? I have never done anything like this, I haven't been away even for a single night since DC was born, this was my choice, in the past he has been away for work, my DC is 4 now and with my DMIL helping and the fact that he will be in school is manageable so it isn't as though they wouldn't cope, he just isn't happy with the idea of me travelling without him

Please can someone offer me some perspective, we have had so many fights about this and just can't see to see eye to eye

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 04/03/2023 22:24

He is absolutely being unreasonable - no justification for his stance at all. It would actually devastate me if a partner said all this to me.

RandomMess · 04/03/2023 22:35

He is being very unreasonable!!

Sounds like both jealousy and not wanting to do the work of solo parenting.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 04/03/2023 22:39

The problem is he is incredibly upset that I want to go, he says we have different values

That old chestnut 🙄

Straight out of the controllers handbook.

Yanbu.

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/03/2023 22:41

Has he ever been away without you?

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 04/03/2023 22:43

YANBU

NomadicSpirit · 04/03/2023 22:44

YANBU, as long as you can afford it, then I don't see the problem myself.

FictionalCharacter · 04/03/2023 22:44

He’s correct, you do have different values. He’s selfish, and you’re not.
Go, enjoy it and ignore his whining.

Hercisback · 04/03/2023 22:45

Yanbu

Original poster
misspinredhill · 04/03/2023 22:47

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/03/2023 22:41

Has he ever been away without you?

No, but usually we go on all of our family holidays together, he has been away for work for a few days when DC was younger but not since COVID

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 04/03/2023 23:35

She’s your sister and only gets to do this graduation once — and she can’t pick and choose the date. Your DH should be pleased for you to go and celebrate with your family. Would he act differently if you were taking dc with you? If that arrangement is ok with him then he’s lazy and doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own child, even with his dm to help.

Usernameisunavailable · 05/03/2023 00:38

He sounds jealous and controlling. Maybe this has not manifested itself before because you’ve always done what he wanted? It’s not as if you are planning a wild week of clubbing in Ibiza, you’re going with your family to see your sister graduate. He is being totally unreasonable.

pictoosh · 05/03/2023 00:43

I don’t agree with him. This is a family occasion that you should enjoy. I mean it’s a shame he can’t go too…but to stop you going, no. Not on.

Tinkerbyebye · 05/03/2023 00:54

YANBU. This is a one off occasion, your sister is graduating, he is being unreasonable.

but I bet he thinks graduation is one day so you don’t need 7, but it’s two days travel, one day graduation and 4 other days

if his mother is happy to help, crack on and leave him to it

HappyHolidays22 · 05/03/2023 00:59

YANBU

can he really not change his work to take the time off if he is that upset about not going?

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 01:00

Yanbu. He is being selfish.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/03/2023 01:08

I hope you go, OP. It’s not as if you want a week’s beach holiday with a few friends. This is a unique occasion, a big day for DSis and a family reunion. He is being VVU.

Irrelevantdata · 05/03/2023 01:53

I would be asking him 'so you want me to tell my Dsis/family that I can't go because you won't let me'? I bet he won't want you to do that either! If he can't/won't see at that point how unreasonable and controlling he's being then I think you have bigger problems. I don't think you can afford to back down on this either way tbh, you will resent him forever if he makes you miss your sister's graduation and you will have set the precedent for him vetoing things he doesn't want you to do, neither is conducive to a healthy marriage.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/03/2023 02:30

He's a selfish, controlling asshole. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

barmycatmum · 05/03/2023 02:33

you are not being unreasonable. I have to say that I nearly said you were, because graduations are the most boring f*cking things on the planet, but you didn't ask about that.
You absolutely should be able to take a trip and see your family and go overseas. it's just a week. my god. :( he's being a dick

bamboonights · 05/03/2023 02:45

He is being VVU
And controlling

Zanatdy · 05/03/2023 03:21

He’s being selfish and unreasonable. He just doesn’t want you to go and have fun without you, which is very unfair. I have had plenty of holidays without my partner (before we split) and kids. None were begrudged.

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:18

Quite surprised at the responses, mumsnet doesn’t normally approve of attending weddings overseas, I am surprised the consensus is that it is ok to go for a graduation. I didn’t think anybody went to a siblings graduation. 😊

I can see your husbands point of view, I don’t share it by the way, I just see it. I have just been overseas for two weeks without my husband, but only because he didn’t mind. If he thought we should spend our money on trips we do together, then I wouldn’t have gone alone.

SallyWD · 05/03/2023 08:50

He's being extremely unreasonable and also controlling. My ex was like this - I ended up feeling suffocated and controlled. My DH would want me to go. He'd encourage it and support me 100%. I'd do the same for him. Your DH is not thinking about what's best for you or your family. He's only thinking about himself and feeling angry that you'd dare to do something without him.

Original poster
misspinredhill · 05/03/2023 10:16

misspinredhill · 04/03/2023 22:13

AIBU?

Please can someone help me get some perspective, I want to understand if I am being unreasonable as me and my OH just can't see eye to eye on this

My sister is due to graduate in America in a few months, it is a dream come true for her and has been something that she has wanted for a long time, my whole family or most of my family is planning to go, my husband and DC were invited, however due to work my husband can't travel, I would like to go but it would mean leaving him and my DC for 1 week, I can ask my DMIL to help out for the week which she is happy to do.

The problem is he is incredibly upset that I want to go, he says we have different values, his view is if we both couldn't go then he wouldn't go which I just don't understand? I don't know why he would want me to miss out on this trip, it's not often that my family gets together and whilst I'm upset he can't come I really want to go.

AIBU? I just can't see his perspective and we have had so many fights about it, is it unreasonable for me to want to go away for 7 days without him? I have never done anything like this, I haven't been away even for a single night since DC was born, this was my choice, in the past he has been away for work, my DC is 4 now and with my DMIL helping and the fact that he will be in school is manageable so it isn't as though they wouldn't cope, he just isn't happy with the idea of me travelling without him

Please can someone offer me some perspective, we have had so many fights about this and just can't see to see eye to eye

Thank you all for your responses, just for context I agree it's a sibling bf s graduation but it is at a top university that she was worked bloody hard to get to, but more importantly e whole family are going so we will have a few days off away as a family. To add as well my sister is single and she dotes on my DC, she has come for my wedding, engagement party, his christening etc I just see it and me supporting her and celebrating it, if the tables were turned I would be happy for him to go, I wouldn't want him to miss out, that's exactly what I keep saying to him, do you really want me to miss out? But thank you all, I think there has to be fairness and balance in every relationship and in this scenario he is not being fair

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 05/03/2023 10:21

Does you paying for this trip mean you won't be able to afford to do anything with him and your child?

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