I need help/support/advice. Please

[Toomuchwine89]

Please help. I need strength and support because I don't know if I can keep going right now.

Some might remember my previous thread, where I was going into refuge after years of emotional abuse and verbal abuse, especially towards my older children.

We've been here nearly 4 months now and of course it's been massive rollercoaster of emotions. He spent hours begging me to come back when I first got here, and when I didn't, he hired a solicitor and started asking for mediation, which I turned down.

He kept emailing me so I got a non molestation order. Then he applied to court for a child arrangement order and a prohibited steps order, to stop me leaving the local area. I was expecting (although terrified) him to apply for the CAO, but I was distraught about the Prohibited Steps. I had planned to move a couple of hours away and start afresh - not block contact with the children. My solicitor told me to not move away, so I stayed put.

CAFCASS have been involved and have been pretty useless tbh - all he's had to do is utter the words "parental alienation" and they're all over that like a fly on shit.

So things have been ticking along. First court hearing is this month. I have good days and bad days, but overall I felt much more confident and outgoing, and started doing things like going to the gym and getting my nails done again. The children have been overall much happier and more relaxed.

About a month ago, I got an email notifying me that my ex had applied for divorce. I knew it was yet another way for him to gain control, and I immediately agreed with the divorce, but it still stressed me the fuck out because I'm going to run out of money at some point and I still have to start again with six children. Anyway.

10 days ago, a random new solicitor that he must have hired emailed me stating that they had taken new instructions from him. Basically he wants to stop the divorce, save his marriage and reconcile, because he doesn't want to lose his family.

It has absolutely messed with my head. I know deep down he's just playing games again. I don't doubt that he misses the youngest children (his), but I think he misses knowing exactly where I am and what I'm doing more. Apparently he'd written a really long letter to me but the solicitor isn't allowed to send it due to the non molestation order.

To make matters worse, after four months in refuge, I'm desperate for a place to call home. With so many children and a shortage of housing, it's proving very difficult. However, we're now 2nd bid for a property within the local authority (that ex also lives in, in the marital home). The house in question is about 45 minutes from ex.

I mentioned it to my solicitor yesterday, and she said her legal advice was not to accept any property and not to move. I told her that the council I've applied to is the SAME one he lives in. She replied 'Well he's applied for this prohibited steps order, and we don't know how far away he means. He might want you all a mile away. Alternatively we can ask Dad for his consent for you to accept this or any other house'.

I spent about an hour crying after that. How the fuck can that be right? To put that control in a controlling man's hands?! He wants me either in refuge (where he thinks I can't meet anyone else) or back home with him. And if I turn down his offer of reconciliation, I will be heavily punished.

I feel so depressed, so stuck, and I've never felt so controlled by him in all our years together.

Please someone help :(

Or could you buy yourself an asset like a car? Or withdraw the money and say you have spent it?

That is what I would do - six children and starting over is not cheap

I managed to waste 6k but they ask for like 3 months bank statements and it's going to look so suspicious isn't it?

So stressed out. It's going to cost me thousands just to get the same end result (him ultimately getting unsupervised contact and me having to deal with that) and I'll have spent all my money, then have to start all over again. Council houses don't even come with carpets!

I didn't need a barrister, but I imagine that any solicitor can use any barrister, so they could still use a barrister close to the court if needed.

I thought that might be the case re the house so if you'll need council/ha then unless you get enough ££ in the divorce to be able to pay legal aid back (if necessary) and house yourself then you'll need a council/ha house anyhow and there are only a limited amount at any time. I'm not sure you'd be bumped up the waiting list for 'XH requires her to live within 1 mile' so better to be in a permanent home 45 minutes away trying to swap for one closer (not convinced that they'll require that, but IANAL) than in refuge for another year trying to get something that'll fit his requirements. And if you do have enough money to house yourself then you just give notice on the council/ha house when you're ready to leave.

You wouldn't need to stress over what you're doing witr the extra £3K if you just ask what type of expenditure is allowed. Obviously carpeting and furnishing a new house would be!

Yes do for example you could go and purchase some vouchers for carpet right or Tapi carpets

for Argos?

or for anywhere you’ve had your eye on? That’s perfectly ok

i mean beds etc it will all add up, duvets etc

Please don’t “waste” any more money - use it to pay for a really good solicitor, even if only initially, to sort out your housing and contact situation m. Be clear on the phone that your husband is abusive and that you need someone prepared to fight his gaslighting and stand up for you and your children in court. Tell them how much money you have to spend (keeping a couple of grand in reserve) and what you want to achieve.

it’s appalling that courts and cafcass take this attitude but it’s not unusual. If you can’t hang onto it as a basis to help you and your kids once all this is sorted (stupid, stupid system) then get the most benefit you can from it now. Don’t try and get rid of money in order to access legal aid - you’ll potentially just end up with shit representation from start to finish and have truly wasted your chance. Use it to get the best help you can afford right now. Doesn’t matter where your solicitor is based, don’t worry about barristers right this minute.

(As a caveat - I’m not saying all legal aid solicitors are useless - the system is set up to ensure a really basic and minimum standard of help can be provided. That’s not what you need. You’ve got quite a good amount of money - use it FGS)

good luck

If you can get a decent solicitor at the outset ideally they will be able to convert to legal aid down the line, they may even be prepared to keep a light touch overview on what’s happening if it doesn’t move out of their hands. The 12 k you started with would have been a really good fund for this, but even 6k will make a pretty big dent depending on how much money he is investing in his own representation…

Use the resource you have to FIGHT this situation

Once instructed you’ll also be able to send your solicitor “money on account” - they will hold it to use use against your case. This will immediately (and legitimately) reduce your bank balance so you’ll be able to claim for all other help you might be entitled to…

Ooh weird, I already did that at Christmas!!

Would it not look suspicious though?

Spending 3/4k on argos vouchers and then hiring a new solicitor and asking for legal aid? I'm scared

That's good advice, thank you. Where can I find a shit hot lawyer? And I definitely need a barrister for court. I can't speak up against him myself, I'll shatter

Just want to say you’re amazing OP and doing brilliantly, keep going, get a top lawyer who is experienced in coercive behaviour and there WILL be a better time for you and your children, you’re so strong even if that’s not how you feel

Thank you, you're too kind ❤️

Just trying to ring Duncan Lewis as mentioned above but the phone line is down. Typical! I'll keep trying x

Start a thread here asking for recommendations for solicitors specializing in abuse/family law/divorce - there are bound to be lots of people who can help.

I’m not saying you won’t need a barrister I’m saying don’t worry about that at this stage - your solicitor will help you navigate this and, if the money you have won’t stretch to it, they will be able to help you navigate the support that’s out there to get representation. It all starts with finding someone who understands how big your pot is and how far you need it to stretch - they are there to take the strain, so let them.

You’ll be unlikely to get someone over the weekend - get some recommendations today and call around tomorrow. Speak to multiple firms, explain the situation and go with the one you feel most comfortable with and seems most likely to help make your funds stretch…

Someone I know used Hodge Jones Allen for a different kind of matter, but they were very good - solicitor handled court too, as some solicitors can act in court (can’t remember what that’s called but there’s a term for it)

www.hja.net/legal-services/family-law/domestic-abuse/

But if you can get some recommendations for specific solicitors who have supported other women through this process with abuse as a central component then I’d definitely try those ideas first!

I think there’s a legal board on mumsnet too - don’t know if you can post both there and in AIBU for traffic

Yes, post on legal board. You can link to this thread so don't have to repeat yourself, I think?
Or ask MNHQ to move the whole thread, by "reporting" your OP.

Done :)

👍🏻👍🏻 Well done!

The more specific the better (eg names of individual solicitors is better than just the name of a firm). If any come up more than once then ✔️✔️✔️!! Will be keeping fingers crossed for you

Thank you!

How did you get on OP? Have been thinking of you

Hey. Bless you. I've got an appointment with another solicitor to see if I can get legal aid, but I've still got money in savings 😩 escape fund is a curse!