Please help. I need strength and support because I don't know if I can keep going right now.
Some might remember my previous thread, where I was going into refuge after years of emotional abuse and verbal abuse, especially towards my older children.
We've been here nearly 4 months now and of course it's been massive rollercoaster of emotions. He spent hours begging me to come back when I first got here, and when I didn't, he hired a solicitor and started asking for mediation, which I turned down.
He kept emailing me so I got a non molestation order. Then he applied to court for a child arrangement order and a prohibited steps order, to stop me leaving the local area. I was expecting (although terrified) him to apply for the CAO, but I was distraught about the Prohibited Steps. I had planned to move a couple of hours away and start afresh - not block contact with the children. My solicitor told me to not move away, so I stayed put.
CAFCASS have been involved and have been pretty useless tbh - all he's had to do is utter the words "parental alienation" and they're all over that like a fly on shit.
So things have been ticking along. First court hearing is this month. I have good days and bad days, but overall I felt much more confident and outgoing, and started doing things like going to the gym and getting my nails done again. The children have been overall much happier and more relaxed.
About a month ago, I got an email notifying me that my ex had applied for divorce. I knew it was yet another way for him to gain control, and I immediately agreed with the divorce, but it still stressed me the fuck out because I'm going to run out of money at some point and I still have to start again with six children. Anyway.
10 days ago, a random new solicitor that he must have hired emailed me stating that they had taken new instructions from him. Basically he wants to stop the divorce, save his marriage and reconcile, because he doesn't want to lose his family.
It has absolutely messed with my head. I know deep down he's just playing games again. I don't doubt that he misses the youngest children (his), but I think he misses knowing exactly where I am and what I'm doing more. Apparently he'd written a really long letter to me but the solicitor isn't allowed to send it due to the non molestation order.
To make matters worse, after four months in refuge, I'm desperate for a place to call home. With so many children and a shortage of housing, it's proving very difficult. However, we're now 2nd bid for a property within the local authority (that ex also lives in, in the marital home). The house in question is about 45 minutes from ex.
I mentioned it to my solicitor yesterday, and she said her legal advice was not to accept any property and not to move. I told her that the council I've applied to is the SAME one he lives in. She replied 'Well he's applied for this prohibited steps order, and we don't know how far away he means. He might want you all a mile away. Alternatively we can ask Dad for his consent for you to accept this or any other house'.
I spent about an hour crying after that. How the fuck can that be right? To put that control in a controlling man's hands?! He wants me either in refuge (where he thinks I can't meet anyone else) or back home with him. And if I turn down his offer of reconciliation, I will be heavily punished.
I feel so depressed, so stuck, and I've never felt so controlled by him in all our years together.
Please someone help :(