Tell me about your marriages ending…

[Cavaandtheend]

…when it wasn’t down to one big ‘deal breaker’ thing like infidelity or violence?

Namechanged. Been posting on here on and off for a couple of years about DH’s behaviour - the moodiness, snappiness, the all round unkind, unsupportive behaviour. I’m so fucking unhappy. Been trying to fix it, focus on the (less and less) good things about us. After another row today where he shouted and swore at me, I am sitting here with a glass of cava thinking I am done, but just feel paralysed.

Four lovely teenage kids. Zero extended family support. Not sure how I am going to do this and just feel numb. Tell me your stories…

And before anyone suggests counselling, today he screamed ‘I’m not going to fucking therapy with you’ at me, so that’s not an option.

Inspirational stories and practical tips all welcome. I don’t really care about me tbh, I just feel devastated for the kids.

I just couldn't stand it anymore. Your marriage is likely already over. You just have to say goodbye to the dream you had when you were small.

Thanks. Yes, things haven’t felt like a ‘dream’ or what a functional marriage should be for a long time…

But I’m sitting here in a slight state of shock, just feeling clear that this is the end now but very unsure as to what the next days/months/years are going to look like. On practical terms, two of my DCs have public exams this summer. Do I ride it out until after that?

You can decide in your head and start preparing and only tell him when you’re ready.

start therapy for yourself so you’re working through your feelings and making thought through decisions.

start sorting out financials and paperwork. Meet a few lawyers and appoint one.

start think long about your plans for separation. Are you going to leave? Are you going to ask him to? Would he go?

some of that has legal implications I think so you want legal advice first.

what would your kids do? Factor that into your separation options.

don’t tell him, or them, until you’ve worked out at least some of the above. Good luck.

I could have written your post OP. I let it all out to a close colleague today. I'm done but I don't know how to actually be done.

Following with interest.

Thank you. He’s the higher earner but house owned outright due to inheritance from my parents both dying in a horrible accident a decade ago. Legally, I’m sure it’s a 50/50 split of assets despite our greatest asset coming from my side?

I'm following too as I feel the same. I'm done. I have two teenagers who will be devastated. My daughter is sitting her GCSEs this year so I am trying to get things sorted to make my move once she's finished. I need to find a solicitor in London so if anyone can recommend one, please do :)

@fatgirlrunning - love your user name! 😂 thank you and sorry you are going through similar. How did you feel after talking about it? I have some amazing close friends that have an inkling I’m unhappy, but not the full extent.

In our wider friendship circle people tend to think DH is a really lovely, fun, kind man. They would be horrified if they saw and heard how he can be behind closed doors. It feels oddly painful to think about telling people about a divorce- friends tend to think of us as one of those ‘great couples’. If only they knew 😒

@Cheeks4970 - sorry to hear. Do you think your kids know things aren’t right? I try to keep things calm and ‘happy’ in the house, but of course I’m sure they know things aren’t good, and I worry what this is doing to them…

Are you me? Seriously? Everyone thinks my husband is wonderful and they always say "couple goals" but that's because I've been very good at keeping up a facade.

It feels good to have spoken about it. Scary too as it's made it real.

Yep. Very similar but my ex never shouted or swore at me otherwise I would have left even earlier. Just really, really, sad life. Passive gaslighting if that's a thing. Boring. Feeling worthless, etc. Etc.

A new work environment did it. I wanted to hang out with the new people, go camping, etc. Must be honest and say I had the attention of a younger chap. I did not leave my husband for the chap, at all, in fact, later on it didn't work out and I am even happier on my own. But it helped to fill in the first days without the kids.

There was a lot of feeling of guilt, but I focused in being happy for the kids.

I am still in great terms with the ex, so that helps a lot.

@fatgirlrunning - yeah, I’m queen of the facade! Not really sure why. It’s odd because I’m someone who friends come to when they are unhappy or struggling but I can’t seem to be entirely honest with them about how miserable I really am.

I have one friend who is more like a sister (we’ve been friends since early childhood), and she knows more than most that I’m frustrated and resentful…but I can’t bring myself to tell her honestly about the horrible ways DH treats me privately.

Sounds like you've made your mind up and have one foot out of the door.

Do you think he will be upset?

The kids will know, and as the child of arguing parents growing up it was horrible. Two happy home’s is better than one very unhappy home. I wouldn’t stand for someone shouting at me

This is great advice.

You posting on here is your answer. Time to uncage yourself and spread those wings. You're not going to blossom into who you are meant to be, trapped in a tired relationship. Life is too short.

Experience - divorced for 7 years, 2 DCs + now 2 step parents on the scene at both houses. Happy parents, happy lives for the children. Hope this helps.

Divorced in 2021 after 39 years of marriage

so, a number of things helped me decide all relating to “fear of the unknown”, which is the thing that held me back for years.

1. I downloaded a copy of ADVICE NOW guides to divorce, financial settlements and the likes. The link is now at header of the divorce/separation talk board as MN have now put it there. The guides cost around £22 to download the full detailed versions. For that I was able to eliminate the unknowns I had on what exactly the process was, what I’d need a solicitor for and what I didn’t, how financial settlements are decided and then made. (No, the starting point is NOT 50% despite it being said numerous times on MN. The starting point is “fair settlement “ based on 10 or so criteria given in law that court must use when sealing any financial order, even ones agreed between you and ex outside of solicitors etc. only once those criteria for “fair settlement “ are met does it become more a 50:50 split. I armed myself with all the knowledge about the whole divorce process and outcomes I could lay my hands on. That elimated the fear of the process and helped me to accept the likely outcome. NOTE: you will be worse off after a divorce. You both will be.
2. once armed with information on what likely outcome would be financially, I started really thinking about what my life would be like post divorce. I wasn’t excited about it, or positive - the divorce was last thing I wanted. So, that hanging onto a “hope” that my life would get better within the marriage was a lot to learn to let go of. I had to adjust my mindset to think about where I could live, what size house could I actually afford given that, how that would impact my life, how I would practically manage on my own, what my social life would be like and, most critically, how I would find a way to a more peaceful and stable future . Only when I could really begin to visualise that in realistic terms could I even begin to think divorce was a sensible way forward. It took me a long time.
3. I then talked with a close relative who didn’t know much about inside of my marriage, but had divorced themselves and I knew wouldn’t tell anyone else. I asked them if I could talk through a decision with them, but that I hadn’t already made that decision and maybe the answer would be that I stayed in the marriage, so no one could know. They were great, asked me a lot about my assumptions about my future life, my roadblocks to divorce, what I was wanting to gain from it etc. The act of saying it out load, realising that I had a plan for a way forward, helped it become more of a reality . By the time I finished talking to them that day I knew I had made my mind up

wrt kids, mine were older. But, do not ever, ever ask them for their thoughts, opinions or share with them why the marriage is breaking up. Say nothing to them at all until you and your spouse have all the pieces in the jigsaw lined up in terms of custody arrangements (or an outline of what you have agreed), where they’ll be living, when and how often, how the arrangements will work. Otherwise you are just putting them into the same fear of the unknown. They will become stressed, anxious and it serves no purpose whatsoever. It is for your husband and you to decide to split first, the. Work out as priority what arrangements you’ll have re the kids, and only once you have agreed that in principles (don’t need details) talk to kids. They need reassurance. And divorce now is no fault in law . The law recognises that a marriage breaking up is rarely the fault of one partner even where there was previous grounds for blame. So, remember that- you only need to tell the kids one reason for your divorce and that is that you’ve decided you will both be happier to love seperately and that it not anything they have done, that you both love them and will continue to work togther as a team to parent them (and you need to make sure you actually do this)

Mines long winded but he cheated I tried for 15 years (yes I know!! 15 bloody years 😂) he was in the army then left and still worked a job where he was away for most of the year. In the last couple of years it had completely fizzled out, my dad died, I realised I wanted to live my life not just exist so I text him it was over. He was fine and we're one ok terms, both moved one and I wish I'd done it years before I did.

I left last month. It’s been coming for about 12 months. Nothing in particular that caused it but just lots of small things. We have an age gap and it was really starting to show.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Honestly, the relief has been more than I thought. Lots to sort out but I wish I’d done it earlier!

Good luck OP x

30 years of marriage - not 39 🙄

4 years post separation, 20 years married. Do it you’ll be so much happier

It took several years for me to get so unhappy I couldn't see a future with XH, then a further 2 years before I plucked up the courage to have The Conversation.

Years of gradually feeling more and more like the paid help, rather than a beloved wife. Of being belittled- not outright, but in small ways, like him never believing any facts I told him (sounds weird I know) without back up from Google or his parents. Even of being farted at, repeatedly, constantly, and extremely noisomely. Just generally being disrespected really.

I must admit, I went in to The Conversation a bit blind. I basically worked out what the worst case scenario would be (benefits, living in a 2 bed flat) and decided that yes, I could take that over the alternative (living with him).

It didn't turn out anything like as bad as I expected, which is, I admit, partly due to XH being fairly reasonable about things (apart from allowing it to drag on for 2.5 years).

If I were you, I would stick it out til after the public exams, but use that time to sort out solicitors, decide on what your personal line in the sand would be and so on.

How kids take divorce is 100% (imo) down to the parents. They will be upset, but if you don't bitch about your ex, don't drag them into the whys and wherefores, and don't try to force them to take sides, they'll come out of it fine.

All the above.

I got some advice from school about how to tell DC. They said to not show any emotion as kids don't need to know it's a bad thing or be worried you're upset.
DS6 has taken it all in his stride
We weren't in a war zone, just cohabiters and coparents. There was no relationship left.
Nothing changed til the house sold

Is he ok with with the kids? I shouting at them?

My stbex says awful things to my dcs. So they and I discuss things quite frankly in this respect.

I have no experience with this but remember how important my exams felt as a teen and how much i needed to focus over revision period/final stretch...if it were me and if it was at all tolerable I would try and get my ducks in a row quietly and end it after the exam period is over.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. That one glass of cava became two, so a little blurry now - but thank you.

@Whiteroomjoy - so extensive and helpful. Thank you for your sage wisdom and brutal honesty.

@Shodan - must confess l laughed at ‘being farted at’! Gross. Who wants to live with that?! My DH snores like a pig and I’ve had enough of it…

@BlastedPimples - hmmm. He is very affectionate with the kids most of the time but also too impatient and shouty. When he goes away for work the house feels lighter and more fun.

The word ‘affection’ there has just made me think actually - he’s generally only affectionate when he wants a shag. We slept together earlier this week and I sort of forced myself as it had been a good few weeks. Sorry TMI - but it’s just made me realise, that will probably be the last time (which is fine by me!) Did anyone else have a similar realisation at any point?!

thanks also to those I didn’t name check. It’s all so helpful. Please keep the advice and solidarity coming, it is helpful xxxx