Tell me about your marriages ending…

[Cavaandtheend]

…when it wasn’t down to one big ‘deal breaker’ thing like infidelity or violence?

Namechanged. Been posting on here on and off for a couple of years about DH’s behaviour - the moodiness, snappiness, the all round unkind, unsupportive behaviour. I’m so fucking unhappy. Been trying to fix it, focus on the (less and less) good things about us. After another row today where he shouted and swore at me, I am sitting here with a glass of cava thinking I am done, but just feel paralysed.

Four lovely teenage kids. Zero extended family support. Not sure how I am going to do this and just feel numb. Tell me your stories…

@Reallybadatdecisions - yes I will. One of the DCs taking exams also has a health issue so need to plan carefully for their sake

ALSO, for those that couldn’t split immediately, how did you cope in those intervening months?

Final question. I suppose it’s not remotely important, but I wonder how many of our close friends might sense how unhappy we are? Not that it matters, but I’m interested to what extent appearances really are deceiving….

Well, FWIW: I separated from ex-H in 2014; divorced a bit later. I wasn't happy and I knew things weren't right, but I didn't know what was wrong and it took me a long time to find the courage to say that it just wasn't working. I was fairly naive and just assumed that we didn't need lawyers and he was entitled to half of everything. I wish I'd taken more, and better, advice. My parents were furious we were divorcing - when we told my parents, we said we would appreciate if they'd give us some privacy for a couple of days so they and we could process things. Instead, my dad came up with an outlandish theory that I must be mentally ill, and left dozens of messages threatening to call the police if I didn't reconsider/phone him to explain my decision. I had landed a new job (as it happened, I got it just after I asked ex-H for a divorce), and my parents became convinced that I must have insisted upon taking up this job in contravention of my ex-H's wishes, and it must be that he was divorcing me because of my awful, unfeminine career-driven choice.

Needless to say, they were wrong, but the result was that we didn't speak for quite some time, and I had no family support during the divorce. My dad has never really understood/acknowledged that his version of events wasn't correct - he still believes if only I'd not tried to have a career, I would be happily married to my ex.

After I divorced I realised I was gay; I also realised ex-H was, at the least, not terribly straight. I am no longer in touch with him, but I think he may be transitioning. It was never going to work out, and it wasn't in the least his fault or my fault - we were just far too young and neither of us understood that we were trying far to be 'normal'.

The big lesson I learned was that you cannot rely on family. People bring their own interpretations of your marriage to your divorce. But: you will get through this! It is always, always better to be out and happy, than to stay and be miserable.

Many have stolen moments with their lover 😂

We are you worried they won't believe you ?

@SarahAndQuack - no immediate blood family to speak of (only child, dead parents) - it often makes me sad but hearing your story makes me think it makes my life a bit simpler sometimes. So sorry you had to go through all that though 😘

@WidthofaLine - it’s not so much I worry they won’t believe me. It’s more the weird difference between friends telling us we’re a great couple and DH is so lovely…when the reality is very different.

You do not need to justify your reasons for wanting the relationship to end to friends, your children will want to know and your husband.

Just be honest with your h, why you no longer love him.
He cannot stop you from divorcing him.

My dcs and I started to record my stbexh's shouting for no reason.

He didn't know.

He didn't know he was being filmed and recorded when he physically attacked me and verbally menaced my dcs either.

Thank goodness we did because he's very convincing as an innocent poor victim of a man.

That's very thoughtful of you! Thank you.

I suspect it's rough for everyone in different ways, though. Especially if you have friends who were unaware of how hard things had got. I think it's not uncommon for friends to want to believe everything is ok, especially if those friends are married themselves. Not easy for you, though.

@Cavaandtheend Ah I'm glad it made you laugh. I was aiming for a bit of levity.

As for friends knowing- well mine already knew, because I'd told them. XH and I didn't really have any joint friends, so there was nothing to think about there.

What was interesting though- XH's mother always treated him like a little princeling, so I was fully expecting major backlash from that direction. But she actually has been the same towards me as she always was- kind, interested, friendly. The only thing she said about the split was that she understood that these things happen. It made me think that perhaps she wasn't as blind to her son's faults as I thought she was.

The few months between having the convo and XH leaving were stressful, I won't deny that. We agreed that for ds2's sake, XH would move back to his parents house while he was finding a property to buy, leaving me with ds2 in the marital home. Several months went by when he didn't seem to be doing anything and it was very awkward at home. I'm afraid I did lose my temper in the end- it seemed to me that he thought if he ignored my 'little tantrum' long enough, I'd change my mind- and he was quite surprised by my vehemence and moved out quite swiftly after that.

Sorry arguing or not kids know when things aren't right. I would never keep mine between 2 parents to keep appearances or pretend happiness

@Cavaandtheend yes I think my kids definitely know - I honestly can barely speak to him - I really feel for my daughter as I know how important these exams are for her so I'm giving her lots of my time and support to get through it. He just thinks that life can go on and that I will never leave (I know he won't leave so it will need to be me who goes even though he now earns my monthly salary in 2 days work). He has hardly made any money for years and now in the last year he has made tons (got a lucky break with a new client) and so now calls that 'his money' - the thing is is that as we are not married, so it is his money. Sigh. I own half the house though so that's my piece of hope for my future.

@Cavaandtheend what age are your teenagers?

I opened up a little to my mum today. She was shocked and angry. Once again he's made dinner and left me out.

Going to take my time and get everything sorted before speaking to him. The advice on here is invaluable, so thank you.

Hope you're ok OP.