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Original poster

Texting etiquette / is he interested

29 replies

NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 16:21

Long time lurker, but first time posting! I’ve recently started dating a guy (literally only had 3 dates so very early). Really lovely guy, not my usual type as surprisingly he seems nice! Previous short term things have been with players, narcissistic personalities etc etc.

Im a single parent and have a very demanding managerial position so don’t get a lot of free time, I have 2 nights and 1 day whilst my LO is with dad. I have not been interested in dating, had a take it or leave it attitude, but this guys seems different and I am interested.

Weve always had really nice dates, then couple of nights ago we had 3rd date and had a little kiss at the end. Then he messaged me as soon as he got home saying how much he enjoys seeing me etc.

He has a child too so also limited with his free time, but he has made a few comments saying ‘can I fit him in my busy diary’ and made a few comments about me always being busy.

But I’m just wondering how much texting you do in the early days in between texts, as the next day after the date I don’t hear from him really unless it’s me messaging. It’s always been me arranging the dates too, I’m not sure he would if I didn’t. I know some people aren’t big texters. I might be reading too much into it. When we’ve met it’s always been nice and he told me on last date he told his friends he was ‘seeing someone’ - meaning me. He said not long ago seeing me once every couple of weeks is not great for him and he would like it to be more regular, but then he doesn’t really keep in contact, unless it is me initiating it.

im just wondering what the texting etiquette is in the early days?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 16:28

Well I have a similar problem, but it’s been 3 months now. I’ve got used to it, but I have told him I want a bit more communication. He has his kids 100% of the time so it’s hard to find time so I think texting is important and I’m a big texter. He’s not. It nearly came to a head this week but semi resolved for now. I don’t think it necessarily means he’s not interested no

fluffylampbear · 03/03/2023 16:40

I think it is a little too early to know on this front. Maybe give it a few more dates then ask outright about it somehow?

Maybe in a few weeks you might want to mention something like 'you don't seem to be very into messaging, is that just how you are, should I read something into it or are you just busy? I don't want to send too many messages if it's not your thing'

heartbroken40 · 03/03/2023 16:57

I don't think the texting is the issue. But you organising all dates? My partner especially at the beginning used to spend hours trying to organise the perfect date. He asked me out all the times at the beginning. I wouldn't be happy with that at all, to be honest

GoldDuster · 03/03/2023 17:10

It’s always been me arranging the dates too, I’m not sure he would if I didn’t.

why dont you find out what happens when you match the effort that he puts in?

Then you'll know.

MistyFrequencies · 03/03/2023 17:16

Dont ask him/arrange the next date. See if he contacts you. Then you will know if he is interested. I was SUPER busy when i first met my now husband. So much so he drove me an hour to the airport one week as it was the only time i had. If a man is interested they will do the work/find a way.

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 18:30

Yeah I agree with posters, when we’re together I know that he’s really interested, but when we go our separate ways he goes quiet and then says quite a few comments about me not fitting him my schedule, when hes just as busy. I’m sure time will tell, but do you think it’s too early to message to say why no effort in between dates?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/03/2023 18:57

Hold back, he will either step up or it will fizzle out, then you will know.
He's right in that once every 2 weeks isn't enough to sustain momentum, but if he's not arranged anything in between, that's his problem as it sounds like you could manage weekly if he put effort in and actually asked you out himself rather than wanting you to suggest more.

Starseeed · 03/03/2023 19:05

I think to ask about the etiquette (I.e. what’s ‘normal’) is going to lead you down the wrong path.

The better question to ask is, ‘am I happy with this?’ It sounds like you aren’t. He’s giving you mixed messages - nice in person and distant when you’re apart. It smacks of limited emotional capacity in him because he can’t keep you in mind when you’re not together. It’s perhaps a lack of object constancy - the ability to hold you in mind when you’re not there. A possible narcissistic flag.

Always pay attention to how you feel!

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 19:12

Yeah I agree @Starseeed . I messaged the other week when he cancelled date and he said ‘to be honest every other week is not going to work but I’m very interested’ but he’s the first to say he’s not available. I’m much happier when there’s no man on the scene 😅 not into all this second guessing.

OP posts:
monsterradeliciosa · 03/03/2023 19:13

You can rely on this rule

If he was interested you'd know.

It's that simple and you can save yourself a lot of time realising this.

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 19:13

@Opentooffers yeah I was thinking maybe to step back, but feel like becuase he’s made out he’s really interested and he’s said that im always busy that somehow I have to make more effort to prove that I am interested. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 19:15

@monsterradeliciosa That’s the confusing part, in real life I don’t even question it as he seems very interested then he texts me after the dates saying that he’s really enjoyed the date and let’s get another date in etc then goes days without messaging

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 03/03/2023 19:16

How is he showing that he is really interested though?

You're asking him on dates, you're organising the dates.

You're initiating contact

He's even cancelled one of the dates even though he has complained that YOU are too busy

He's basically said this won't work for him.

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 19:22

@blackbeardsballsack He told me that he was speaking to a mutual person that we both know, and told his friend that he was ‘seeing me’ . He said on the drive home that he couldn’t stop smiling because we had a kiss for first time after date. He messaged other day to say he was really interested in me and wants to spend more time with me

OP posts:
monsterradeliciosa · 03/03/2023 19:26

@NYCbigApple You don't do that with someone you're interested in.

Guy I'm speaking to it's been months and we speak every single day and say good night.

We're taking it very slowly. We have a lot in common but never met. We consider ourselves friends at this time but we speak daily, call almost daily, message all day.

Is he "interested"? Well he certainly respects me and shows me he values me. It's been about four months of this.

I wouldn't accept anything less now. I've been through loads of this, trust me.

Firstly, strip back all the talk and only consider the actions. Now what?

Secondly retreat and ignore for a few days, three to four days, see what he does. He could panic, he could do nothing, and that will tell you everything.

Provenza · 03/03/2023 19:53

Trust the actions, not the words. If he wanted to, he would. Mixed messages = not that interested, drama, not worth it.
That really is all you need to remember OP.
I’d let this one go.

blackbeardsballsack · 03/03/2023 20:09

NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 19:22

@blackbeardsballsack He told me that he was speaking to a mutual person that we both know, and told his friend that he was ‘seeing me’ . He said on the drive home that he couldn’t stop smiling because we had a kiss for first time after date. He messaged other day to say he was really interested in me and wants to spend more time with me

He said and he told me are different to him showing you. Honestly, pay more attention to what he does, than what he says.

Winemygoodenemy · 03/03/2023 20:18

Actions not words. My now DP did lots of texting at the start and planned most dates. Our third date was a 12 hr road trip. He was not my usual type, but I wanted to see what happened. I was normally in the camp of arranging dates and keeping momentum going and anxiety over did they like me. Start of dating is the unknown. But I knew from the start he liked me and it was calming.

I was really busy at the start of dating and still am as I love my friends and busy job. He would fit in with me and still does. We only see each other 1/2 times a week due to distance. But phone most days and definitely text everyday. Some days it’s loads and others it’s just a few.

pull back and see. Couldn’t you commit to a set day a week to see him?

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 20:19

I kind of respected the fact that he hasent tried anything (that’s kind of what I expect from the male race these days), I made the first move other day kissed him at the end of the date. I took that as he too shy (he is very quiet) and a good sign, now maybe I should have took that as him not interested. But then he did message saying he can’t stop smiling

OP posts:
Weekenders · 03/03/2023 20:53

NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 20:19

I kind of respected the fact that he hasent tried anything (that’s kind of what I expect from the male race these days), I made the first move other day kissed him at the end of the date. I took that as he too shy (he is very quiet) and a good sign, now maybe I should have took that as him not interested. But then he did message saying he can’t stop smiling

He's been overanalyzed on this thread as not being interested, possibly narcissistic and god knows what else based on very little actually evidence. He may be any or all of those things, but I don't think anyone can objectively come to those conclusions based on the little info provided.

Next time you see him/speak to him I'd mention that you'd prefer more frequent text contact and for him to organise dates, and see what happens. How things progress from there should tell you one way or another.

Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 21:13

@Weekenders yeah I don’t think he’s narcissistic or anything like that. I think some clear communication is needed, just so we know where things are headed, becuase we’ve not really spoken about those things - although I guess it’s early days, although we have been speaking since December time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NYCbigApple · 03/03/2023 22:27

@Weekenders yeah I think I will speak to him on the next date. He’s made it clear that he wants to see me more, but somehow he’s not available much himself.

we’ve been messaging now for nearly 3 months and only had 3 dates so maybe it’s not too early to bring things up.

OP posts:
Usernamenono · 03/03/2023 22:39

Op just don’t message for a bit and let him ask you when you’re free for the next date. This is lazy dating all one sided and who wants a relationship like that?
just try not to text and organise this once

Nolosomi · 03/03/2023 22:43

OP, it’s not what someone says, it’s what they do..

shivermetimbers77 · 03/03/2023 22:46

I say talk to him about it, let him know you like seeing him but would like more contact between dates and for him to initiate more and then see what he does. If he steps up , great, if he doesn’t, finish it. Based on what you wrote, he sounds interested but a bit passive, so I think you may need to spell things out a bit.

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