Really worried about his drinking

[SamanthaJ125]

DH has always been a big drinker. Its not really been until i stopped, after having children, that it’s occurring to me just how much. I honestly thought he would also cut back but if anything he seems to drink more. For a bit of info on how much he drinks, currently five days a week out of seven. Week days he would drink 4 cans and half a bottle of wine each day he drinks. Fri/sat/sun he has that plus two beers in the pub with mates. I honestly dont mind him having a drink but i just feel this is excessive. Am i right to feel like this or am i being silly? He also has little patience and my youngest is constantly getting told off by him. I feel like he cant do anything right. Its almost like my DH, when he gets home from work, just wants him out of the way so he can drink. I feel really sad. Shouting/slamming doors. Ive been work too! All DH activities at the weekends revolve around him and his hobbies. I feel like im just assumed childcare. All household jobs left to me, we both work full time.

He’s lazy and selfish, the drink is only part of this.

Did you also grow up seeing a parent drink heavily?. What attracted you to such a drinker?. That question is one you will also need to address.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What do you think they are also seeing here within their home; they are seeing you as their preoccupied mum working flat out whilst dad drinks incessantly. When do you, let alone they, see him without a drink in his hand?. When is this man actually stone cold sober; he's on a comedown from alcohol more often than not.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

He has a long term dependency on alcohol and it will consume him as well as you people as his family ultimately. You can only help your own self and your children here by removing yourselves from this environment and I do not write that at all lightly.

I don't think his drinking is necessarily the problem here. It may impact his health, but what about the crap relationship he's offering you? He treats you like a side issue, and your only issue is that you're worried about him? Why? Aren't you disappointed in him? Pissed off with him? Feeling you want more from your relationship?

@Watchkeys Absolutely feel pissed off, taken for granted and like im the nanny!

@AttilaTheMeerkat i didnt see this growing up. Never around big drinkers. I dont know how this has happened

@Skinnermarink he is bloody selfish and lazy and crap with money to boot 🫤 in his eyes hes not. If i raise this with him, its like im talking about someone else

What did happen when you were little, op? Somewhere along the line you've learned to minimise your feelings in favour of worrying about someone else.

I dont really know. I had a normal childhood i think. I hate a messy house so i can only leave it so long before i crack and wash up/ clean bathroom etc. all normal i think

Drinking this much he is probably an alcoholic. It is a hideous disease and brings with it a lot of other undesirable traits such as selfishness and an utter lack of respect for others. It fundamentally changes the way the brain works.

The bad news is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him or change his behaviour.

The only thing you can do is look after yourself. Try Al Anon which is an organisation that supports family and friends of alcoholics. If you go to an Al Anon meeting near you will discover that you are not alone and how to handle situations so as not to enable the alcoholic and to remain sane. https://al-anonuk.org.uk

It is a progressive disease so you can expect it to get worse. My husband is an alcoholic and I recognised a lot in your op.

Don't ignore warning signs about excessive drinking. And there are plenty of signs here... the amount of alcohol being consumed is very unhealthy (as well as expensive).... he would rather drink than be with his DC..... he's angry and shouty..... he's lazy and selfish.

Of course some of the above could apply even if he stopped drinking, but they are likely related, or at least made worse by the drinking.

I've been in your situation. I stayed too long. It nearly broke me in the end.

There's noone more selfish than an addict. Put you and your DC first, because your DH will sure as anything always put himself first (and his main need - drink).

I make that about 70 units a week, which is health hazard territory. However, it isn't so much the quantity as the impact it is having on family life - you describe a man who isn't interested in his family at all, who prioritises himself over everything, who shouts and snaps at his children. Whether this is because of the alcohol or whether he would have been a rubbish husband and father anyway is neither here nor there - this isn't a good environment for your children.

You will probably want to try talking to him about it because we all want to give the people we love a second chance, but be prepared for him to deny everything, to blame you and to fly off the handle. Whether he's selfish or an alcoholic or both, they don't change. I advise you to start contemplating a future without him.

@pointythings im definitely in that head space atm. I can feel myself detaching from him. Hes noticing it too. Hes in denial when i talk to him. He says its because i dont drink i have an issue with others drinking. Its not that at all. I dont have an issue with him having a drink, its just when it’s excessive. Because he knows its a sore subject, some days he drinks, its like he hids it from me. I know he has cans in, ive seen them outside. He will open then very quietly. He had left an empty bottle of wine on a shelf and when i came home it had been replaced with a new full bottle. He had replaced wine before with another liquid in the bottle so i wouldnt see he had drank it all. Is this serious alcoholic territory?

It's not a healthy or happy environment for you or your child. I'd be looking at my options tbh.

I would say his behaviour are all behaviours of an alcoholic. He should not be drinking at all but that is a scenario unlikely to happen when he maintains his denial. Denial too is a powerful force.

@SamanthaJ125 so he's hiding his drinking. It is likely that he is actually drinking more than you're seeing - my late husband did this too. It is a massive bad sign.

Having an alcoholic for a parent is incredibly bad for children. Not only does it increase their risk of having alcohol issues themselves, it also causes enormous stress in their lives which will impact their mental wellbeing, how they cope at school, their friendships - everything. Given your update it is now time for you to seek help. You cannot change your husband or make him stop drinking, you can only help yourself and your DC here.

Please contact either Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends - both have online meetings you can attend and both provide support for the relatives of alcoholics. Both will give you healthier coping strategies and will help you deal with the feelings of guilt.

It is good that you are detaching emotionally. This is the healthy thing to do. If you have talked to him and he has responded with denial, it's time to start thinking about what your life would be like after divorce. Take it from someone who's been there: life without an alcoholic in it is unimaginably better.

@determinedtomakethiswork I know. I need to make some changes. He almost gaslights me though for example, lets say one night kids have been making noise when hes trying to watch tv, he will shout and remove them from the room, then slam the door behind him. Really gets on my wick. Ill try to discuss it the next day when hes sober and he will look at me like he doesnt remember and will deny it happened. Im not stupid.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he recoils when ive used the alcoholic term. He does not see himself like this as he holds down a job, doesnt drink spirits and can also reel off a list of others who also drink like he does and am i calling all of them alcoholics too?!? Denial

@pointythings the other night when he swapped the wine bottles over i could swear he looked like he had already been drinking but he had come home from work (30 mins later as would be about right for nipping shop). I tried to walk /shuffle by him to smell his breath but could tell he had only just squirted aftershave (keeps a bottle in his car) so it was hard to smell if he had 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course he does not see himself as an alcoholic but all the words he’s come out with to you all point to alcoholism. May of them hold down jobs and families and do not sit on park benches with bags. As for him holding down a job, well he is for now until he does not. Alcoholics as well tend to associate more often than not with fellow drinkers.

Do not make him and his alcoholism the cornerstone of your life and your kids childhoods. You have a choice re this man and they do not. There is no future for you in such a marriage. What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is keeping you still with him? For instance fear of him, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown?. Those are but three of many reasons.

Keep detaching from him and plan your exit from this with due care and attention.

My husband held down a job too, until (after he left the family home) he didn't. All your husband's behaviours scream alcoholic. The fact that he isn't remembering events of the previous night is a sign that it is seriously affecting him already. It's clear that he is drinking more than you see him drinking.

One positive is that you already sound very detached. Believe me, that is a strength for you right now.

I have tried to leave. Ive had conversations with him. He just goes quiet and will not engage in conversation or says thing like “oh not this again”. He almost has the air of- well i dont agree with that and thats not going to happen. He keeps it quiet and doesnt tell anyone, stops drinking for a few days, cleans up his act then eventually slips. Round we go again! Im hoping he will move in with family until he gets himself sorted. We rent and i could afford it on my own (just). Id like to buy a house (we have a good deposit) he would like us to buy together but i feel sick at the thought of this. Stuck with him forever more. I daydream about my own house, calm and peaceful

I know if he moves in with family, they will see the extent and he will have to face it. It would be good for him

All of his behaviors scream alcoholic. The classic one is hiding drinks, as you say he hides cans outside, then opens as quietly as he can and trying to disguise how much wine he’s drinking by swopping bottles around.
He will definitely be drinking much more than you know about, he’s possibly drinking cans quickly in his car on the way home from work.
You can’t stop him, it’s a disease and the only one who can stop, is him but he probably won’t until he’s at rock bottom.

If you divorce him; he will probably reach rock bottom quicker and will either stop all together or carry on……..

If you are married then that deposit is part of the marital assets. In a way it's good that you don't own yet. You don't need his permission to divorce him, you know. You just do it and tell him it's happening, he doesn't get a choice. We have no fault divorce now. It does come with a waiting period built in though, so the sooner you start the process, the sooner you will be out.

The day after my late husband left our house (police involvement, it was tough times), the atmosphere changed completely. You can have that too.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. You can and should seek legal advice, after all knowledge is power.

He is not going to readily move in with family ; why would he want to move in with them because after all he currently has you carrying both the mental and physical loads for him. They don't want to deal with him and in all likelihood they are happy that they are not. His family could well continue to enable him; moving in with them would not automatically equate to facing up to his alcoholism.

I know, im an absolute mug for putting up with this for so long 🫤

You're not. You're really not. You're remembering the man you married and you want him back. Accepting that isn't going to happen is really, really hard. There's a process you go through when your other half is addicted, and there aren't really any shortcuts. You've actually done really well to detach as much as you have. Be prepared, when you do make the move to divorce, for those feelings to come back and hit you. That's all normal, you are allowed to grieve for what you've lost.

But you do need to act and you know that. If you want 1 to 1 support just PM me, I've been there and done it and I'm more than happy to help.

Ditto what the pp said. This is not your fault and you are not a mug. Denial is as much a symptom for the families of alcoholics as it is for the alcoholic themselves. It's a slow painful process to realise just how bad things have got. Arming yourself with knowledge doesn't mean you need to leave your husband. You have recognised and admitted to yourself there is a problem. That's huge. Keep going. You can't change your husband's behaviour but you can change yours. This is a problem as old as the hills and so many spouses have walked your path before you. There is a lot of help and advice out there for you if you want it. Sending you strength and fortitude.

Op I’m sorry you are going through this.
As pp have suggested, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support from people who have been through/are going through the same as you.