Really worried about his drinking

[SamanthaJ125]

DH has always been a big drinker. Its not really been until i stopped, after having children, that it’s occurring to me just how much. I honestly thought he would also cut back but if anything he seems to drink more. For a bit of info on how much he drinks, currently five days a week out of seven. Week days he would drink 4 cans and half a bottle of wine each day he drinks. Fri/sat/sun he has that plus two beers in the pub with mates. I honestly dont mind him having a drink but i just feel this is excessive. Am i right to feel like this or am i being silly? He also has little patience and my youngest is constantly getting told off by him. I feel like he cant do anything right. Its almost like my DH, when he gets home from work, just wants him out of the way so he can drink. I feel really sad. Shouting/slamming doors. Ive been work too! All DH activities at the weekends revolve around him and his hobbies. I feel like im just assumed childcare. All household jobs left to me, we both work full time.

Thanks for your replies. Things need to change for sure

I’m wondering, if he’s always been a big drinker, I’m doubting half a bottle of wine and a few cans would have this much effect on him. It’s extremely unlikely it’s enough for him. Alcoholics don’t tend to last that much without going down to much more important doses, it’s the very basis of how it works.

I’d think either he’s hiding spirits, much stronger stuff, or he is just using it an excuse to check out of family life, and in this case he wouldn’t be that much better if he got sober ?

I really do think it’s one or the other. Most of us could hold half a bottle of wine taken throughout the evening without becoming mean, especially to your child.
I mean both scenarios sucks, but I think the second deserves a thought.

Can you tell a bit how tipsy he actually gets in the evenings OP ?

Dont get me wrong, both scenarios suck, just maybe for you to actually know, if you think it would help you.

I can almost guarantee you though, working with children in care who unfortunately often have alcoholic parents, that there is almost no chance his consumption has stayed the same so long

Get yourself support through Al-Anon, which is a support network for those who are worried about someone drinking.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself. Then you will realise you can't change him or anyone. You can change how you deal with this. That is what Al-Anon is for.

Please for you click through the link below

www.al-anon.org.uk/

Yes I agrée with this, I’m just very doubtful of it being alcoholism territory if it’s his real consumption.

Wouldn’t we all like to relax with a glass of wine arriving home ? Half a bottle won’t make a long term heavy drinker slam doors etc, no way.

Hes either hiding his consumption or just not bothered.

Apologies, I put in the Al-Anon website incorrectly. Here is the right one

al-anonuk.org.uk/

It's not about how much you drink or how often. It's about what happens when you drink.

Amounts don't come into it. I'm a long-term member of A.A (20 years sober) and a member of Al-Anon (ex), so I'm used to hearing about the amounts.

I wasn't a massive drinker like you would think an alcoholic would be. My drinking had a lot further to go. I didn't want it to get worse.

I was OK with stress binge drinker which I was. What I didn't know was that I was stressed binge alcoholic.

I developed the phenomenon of craving where u could take one drink safely. One set of the phenomenon of craving where I wanted more and more until pass out or whatever happened to stop me.

I wasn't a daily drinker, I wasn't a morning drinker. I could stop. I couldn't stay stopped is what I found.

Alcoholism is very cunning

Yes sorry my post was a bit simplistic.
But you mentioned the onset of craving, and when you were safe to drink you could do it until you passed out.
And the not being able to stop : he seems to stop fine for his weekend hobbies, wouldn’t the cravings get even more intense on the weekends when there’s no work tomorrow ?

Sorry if my post was offensive, I agree with the reactions it causes being the thing, did you find yourself slamming doors etc when you had been able to have the drink you had wanted though ? I mean if the craving had then been fulfilled.

@keffie12 congratulations on 20 years, that’s amazing💚

@keffie12 I think my perspective may be biased by working with children in care, so those who were absolutely rock bottom on every level.
It’s amazing that you realized and put in so much effort I’d imagine

@keffie12 Sorry Im asking so many questions, please do tell me if it makes you uncomfortable.

Even if the amounts didn’t increase, did the cravings intensify (both in frequency and intensity or both) ?

@SamanthaJ125 .Sorry if I’m derailing the thread a little, I do think it’s really helpful to have a real life perspective, but sorry if it bothers you

I wouldn't have posted if I didn't want you to ask questions. I'm not offended. Thank you.

If you went to an A.A. meeting, you would be shocked as the people who get in the rooms have not hit the lower rock bottoms of those you work with.

They are from every walk of life. Professionals, Dr's, nurses, vets, teachers, average you and I jobs, land so on.

Unfortunately, there are low rock bottom cases that don't usually get into recovery.

Like I said, I didn't drink every day. I was binge. I could go weeks and months.

In the last year of my drinking, I stopped for 9 months on my own. I picked it up again. That craving kicked in. I went back to drinking most nights then.

Subconsciously, I was planning when i would next drink. Your husband won't realise he is planning his drinking. You can't read his mind.

All those things he isn't or hasn't done are what we all know the YETS. It hasn't happened YET. If he carries on those, YETS will start to happen.

No one starts off as a low rock bottom drinker. It happens over a period of time. It doesn't have to get worse.

Please look at the Al-Anon website I linked for you and your children, please. Your sanity needs it.

You can't fix him. You can help yourself

I didn't check my grammar on my original post. I've just read back my original post.

It should have said, "I couldn't take one drink safely." It would set off the phenomenon of craving where I would drink to pass out or whatever happened to stop me

Everyone story is different in A.A. However, we all have one thing in common. At some stage in our drinking, we stepped over a line where we could take one drink safely. One drink was too many, a 100 never enough.

There is more to the illness than this. However, this is the first part. The phenomenon of craving.

We believe that someone trying to stop drinking on their own is behind enemy lines. We get well in communities.

I still go because A.A. at group level is run by the members. If people like me didn't stay around, there would be no A.A.

There is a service structure. However, we are not like normal organisations.

Al-Anon runs on the same basis as A.A.

The first step of A.A. says

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

The first step of Al-Anon says the same as the first step of A.A.

You are completely powerless to stop what your husband is doing.

You're powerless. Not helpless. Check out Al-Anon

Go to an Al Anon meeting for family of alcoholics.

He's hiding drink. He's probably drink driving if he's having cans before he gets home.

Keffie your posts are brilliant.
Congratulations on being 20 years sober.

@keffie12 thank you.
Yes I don’t have access to the detailed medical files, I’m not senior enough, I do of course have access to quite a bit of general information because it would be completely pointless if I didn’t know the reason behind care. I’ll get general updates about the parents.
Im not supposed to go to AA meetings for confidentiality for the parents, in case I run into some, it’s their safe space

How would you say most people realise they have an issue at early stages. You mentioned cravings appearing, and planning without necessarily realizing it the next drink, so how do you actually get from subconscious to aware ?. Is there a more frequent ‘wake up call’ ? Or does it depend on the person ?
I’ve had few cases where I’ve seen in the history family intervention actually be useful, but then again a lot of mine are from very poor backgrounds, so it’s like there’s a general sense of despair in the community, it’s really sad.

Alcoholism is very much a disease of denial. Usually, the last person to acknowledge there is a problem is the person with it. A.A. if people go their is usually the last chance saloon.

People usually start out by trying to control it. That doesn't work. Hiding it is another. Acceptance for you is that he may never accept that there is an issue.

He has to want to do this for him. There by hangs your problem, which is why I keep saying go go Al-Anon

Al-Anon is the sister of A.A. and is for people like you who have someone in your life whose drinking is a problem.

If you don't want to go to meetings in your area, go out of town. There are meetings all over the country.

You will also find Zoom meetings, which can be based anywhere in the world.

It's highly unlikely that you will meet someone in Al-Anon, you know, through your work. Besides it all, Anonymous. They are there for the same reason as you.

Out of town may be a good idea. Al-anon is the same issue but with families.
As I said, I’m junior, so there are are limits to what I can do, I’m mostly with the kids themselves.
And tbh on a more selfish level, I have a good reputation for knowing well the rules and keeping confidentiality while following safeguarding rules, so I wouldn’t really want to risk that.
There is internal training though, I’d hopefully get access to that someday, but for now I only have it with the kids, it just happened that it came sort of ‘naturally’ for me (although I do have street cred for having been taken into care myself).

Thank you so much for your answers.

Came to offer you some advice, OP, as I've been there (awful. hideous. But life on the other side - eg after separation - is so wonderful!) But I can see that as usual, @AttilaTheMeerkat has already offered the most sensible advice. Listen to them. They are 100% right.

Honestly, there's very little hope you and your children have a bright future with this man. The fact you can afford a home without him is great - many other women are trapped financially. Plan your exit. Focus on what's within your control. He might change - he may well not. I doubt he will. Create a safe, happy home away from him whilst your kids are still little. Protect them from the awfulness that is life with an angry, in-denial addict who doesn't want to change.

Chill man

Hi Op,

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he's checked out of family life and is using alcohol as escapism. I think he'll continue to get worse and push boundaries until you end it.

It's a horrible situation.

This sounds really difficult and it’s obviously having a serious impact on your life at home and the children. I was married to a problem drinker and it only got worse over time. It took me many painful years of agonising, ultimatums and arguments before I eventually left him. Nothing I said was ever enough to get through to him and I honestly wish I’d left sooner.

He has already become secretive about his alcohol consumption and I agree with other posters (and from my own experience) that he is likely to be drinking a lot more than you think. He knows he’s no longer in control and some part of him feels he needs to hide it.

It sounds like you already know it’s time to go. You have done your best, but it’s not your job to fix him. His only relationship now is with alcohol and it’s only a matter of time before it starts affecting your life in other ways e.g loss of a job or driving license. The children deserve a calm, happy household without this dark cloud hanging over you all.

This thread is a year old.