How do I get through this?

[talie]

My dh left me two days ago with two dd's - a toddler and a 6 month old baby.

Says he doesn't love me any more and doesn't think he ever has, but find this hard to believe. He's adamant that his decision to go is final and that he won't be back. He's already pressuring me to "sort" things out so he can start his new life and being very "decent"!!! about the whole issue.
I'm finding this really hard to cope with and don't want it to end - I don't believe our relationship is unsalvagable but he flatly refuses to open up to where we went wrong or to go to counselling or anything - he's just given up I think! or maybe it's just too early?

How can I play this - I thought I was really strong and have done my utmost to be so in front of him and in front of the dd's, but then I just break down and feel like my whole world is totally destroyed and I can't go on. If I didn't have children to keep me going I think I'd totally lose the plot!

I really want him to realise he's made the wrong decision and come back to us but I don't know how to go about it the right way - do many men return to there wives if you give them the space they need, or have I lost him forever? I'm not a weak gushy woman, I just believe that my marriage is worth saving, but I can't save this on my own!

Any advice on who I need to speak to e.g. legally etc. to prepare me for the worse would be gratefully received.

From one totally screwed up person!!

:(

God talie, so sorry, this sounds awful. I don't have any advice but hope someone who can help is along soon. Is there someone else do you think? (of course you don't have to answer that, just a thought)

Oh talie so sorry to hear this, I'm no good for advice on this one, but can bump for you, so bump and HUGS.

I don't think you have to be 'strong' in front of him though, ffs, he's just walked out, I think you're allowed to be however you like.

And there are some great people here who have been there and might be able to help.

God, how bloody awful. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} Could he at least give you some time to get used to the idea before divvying up the CD collection?

Oh, talie. Have no good advice to give I'm afraid but sadly there are lots on MN who have been through the same. You will be overwhelmed with support, but in the meantime here are a few ((((()))) and a bump for you.

Hi talie, so sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs. As I don't know your situation too well, Im sorry if my thoughts are a bit off target.

He may just wants a break? maybe your two young children are too much for him? Have you talked to him properly about things? You have a right to know why he has left you.

Just have to put dd to bed and be back in a min. Hugs xxxx

so sorry to hear you're going through this - where is he staying at the moment? Is he interested in having a relationship with his daughters?

So sorry you're going through this. :( No advice but hopefully someone will be along soon who can help. xxx

DH says he wants a relationship with his daughters but doesn't want to be my dh anymore. He flatly refuses to give me any genuine reasons for going at the minute apart from "I don't love you anymore" and the usual "it's me, not you!"

He's back with his parents temporarily - who are filling his head with all sorts - (they don't like me and have not been there for him most of the time either! - He has admitted both sides of the family have put pressures on us and this has been a contributory factor! (I don't get on with my parents either!) But all of a sudden they love him, stand by him and give him their support!! Funny thing, bet they're grinning from ear to ear!) - I'm not being paranoid, little things he is saying to me makes me realise this - they have told him to stop any credit cards etc!!!!!, which is really unfair and I have asked him to stand up for me for once in his life and tell them I am not as bad as they think I am! He is so easily influenced by other people and I need him to break away from them as soon as possible for us to have any chance of getting back together. He is being toooooooo nice to me as well, which makes me very suspicious! He has said that I have a big hold over him - the kids! I think his mother has filled his head about no arguments, raised voices etc or she'll (me) take the kids away! And all this pressure for me having to sort myself out so he can get a place of his own - where is this leading - him taking the kids from me?????? Do I need to start getting legal advice this early on to know what my rights are??

How do I explain to my dd as well? She's constantly asking about him at the minute and shouts for him in the mornings etc. I change the subject but I don't know if this is being fair not to talk about anything - would she understand being so young? This is tearing me apart and I'm just breaking down and crying all the time. It's so difficult not having time to grieve for me, switching off for the sake of the children. Why do the men always have the easy part, walking away and being able to sort themselves out and leaving us with the shit?!

Sorry, it's morning time again, I'm exhausted having to get up several times for the children and this is when I'm most vulnerable.

When do the tears stop????????????????????????????

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Talie, if I were you, I would make your dh tell your dd what is going on. It's not fair on your children to just leave without an explanation. I think for the time being you need to just concentrate on you and your children. I think his parents are just doing what parents do. When I broke up with my exp, his parents took him to his bank so they could cancel all the bills and rent, which really p**sed me off as I could have easily done it myself. How are you coping financially at the moment? I think it may be an idea to go to CAB and explain your situation. I know that it must be very hard on you xxx

I can not offer much except a HUGE hug and that we can gve you enough support and advice to get you thru this horrible time...

Firstly, I think you have to talk to DD about what is going on... she is old enough to understand that things have changed and you are upset ... you need to lessen the stress on you and this will help ...

Secondly, you need to ensure you are OK financially whilst you sort out if this is permanent or not... get to CAB asap to get this sorted...

Then, the most difficult bit.. talking it all over with DH and finding out what is really going on... would writing to him be easier? Are there other things going on that might ave made him snap - money worries, job, illness? Have you been together long.. where the kids planned?

Sorry to be nosy but I have friends who did get pregnant and married very fast (within 9 months of meeting, baby was born) - after 3 years together they had 2 kids, huge mortgage and he was only 25 - he walked out for a few days when he thought it was not what we wanted and he wanted space to think it all thru - 5 days later he was home and they have been fab ever since... NOT saying at all this is what happened to you but the pressure of a younf family can be enormous and sometimes it can seem easier just to walk...

Hope you are getting support in RL from friends etc

I agree that you should speak to someone at the CAB asap. Knowing where you stand financially and legally will take at least some of the stress and strain off you.

You need to know what finances are available to you, in terms of maintenance or benefits. You also need to think about your rights wrt your home eg is it rented/privately owned? Whose name is it in? Gather up any papers that have information about your joint finances, bank accounts, loans, debts etc, This will help give you and the CAB a better idea of what may happen. An alternative is to see a solicitor. Some will give you the first visit for free.

If you don't mind, can this nosy old bird but her beak in?

Firstly, I don't know what your current financial situation is reagrding any possible mortgage/rent. Nor do I know what your personal financial circumstances are, or those of your DH (how much he earns, etc).

However, what I can tell you straightaway, is that there is more chance of me winning a beauty contest than of him taking your children away from you.

Irrespective of what baloney they are filling his head with, you also have a number of rights enshrined in law. I'll be more than happy to advise you generally on what is available to you.

On a final note, having just read your second thread, his parents must be pretty crap grandparents if they are telling him to cancel your credit cards. After all, they are a source of income to provide for his children.

You'll find a lot of support here. Apart from me, there's also Freckle, Legelbegle & PPH (once you can get her off the cooking sherry!)

Oh Talie, I've just read this thread and wanted to send you massive sympathy. How horrible. xxxxx

Talie - so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I split from my exp when my dds were 2 and 3 months but it was on the cards for 6 months before as he had been having an affair so it was probably easier when he went because I asked him to go and was more prepared and had an idea about the legal side of things etc.

As the others have advised go to the CAB or a solicitor and get the facts on money etc. Positive action will make you feel more in control I'm sure.

I would try and give your elder 22 some kind of explanation in the simplest terms. Kids need to know what's going on IMO.

As for the crying well it will stop but I cried rivers and it was the most awful time and the only cure is time - an old cliche but so true.

But having said all that maybe your DH will see sense and come home again after his funny 5 minutes or something! Plenty do have wobbles and come back and all is fine again. As to how you play it as WWW (I think) said just be yourself but without totally humiliating yourself of course!! Don't hide how you feel - you have every right to be bloody upset and pissed off!!

If you do end up alone though believe me it does get better and you can manage and it even starts to feel really good and I am really happy now (4.5 years later!!).

Good luck and keep us posted!

make that elder dd!!?? Senior moment!

Thanks for all your support and advice. I have set the wheels in motion to find out about my rights in case this is the end.

I am totally dependant on him financially as I chose to stay at home and look after the children and don't want to work until they go to school (unless forced to go back).

He does have other issues, stressful job, no money, sick father, - the list is endless and yes, I think he has just snapped and the easiest one to take it out on is me! We have been married 12 years and all the way through has not been an easy ride - living/working apart for some of that, parents not accepting the partners, financially struggling etc. etc. Hopefully him spending time alone will help him get to the bottom of his problems and work out what he really wants - I just hope it's me and the dd's!!This has really kicked me into touch and I've thought about everything I need to change about myself and the way I do things - eg. not let myself go, stop being a control freak, not giving praise where it's due, only criticizing and moaning etc. (the usual stuff that splits couples up!) I have told him I know where I have gone wrong in the relationship and asked him to be honest with me when he feels able, but he doesn't think after 12 years things will change - only temporarily then go back to how they were!!

Can people change?? I think I could because he's what I want and having looked long and hard at my faults, I want to feel better about myself, rather than being just the drab wife and mother - I know I need to get "me" back, start loving me and then maybe he will too??????!!!

Oh Tallie my heart breaks for you. I have just been whisked back 4 years. My dh left me because he didn't love me and because I kept him from his family. Which was weird because I encouraged him to see them and to remember their birthdays and anniversaries etc. His mother actively encouraged him to leave me, in fact his entire family couldn't have been more happy. Meanwhile my world was shattered and I had 3 kids to look after. He moved into his mother's and whilst he was there if he ever called she would be shouting up.. remember the phone bill! Such an old cow. However! I found out shortly after that he had a girlfriend and that his whole family had met her. After I met her she dumped him (something to do with the fact that I told her the children's routines and how she had to make sure that everything was done right because I was having my free weekends too). But this doesn't help you. I don't really know what to say except that what helped me was my friends. Just a couple of really good friends who let me scream, holler, call him every name under the sun, who were happy for me to sit in stunned silence etc. Do as the others have suggested. Find out what you are entitled to. Even though you may decide that you want nothing from him, just remember that you have children. I don't know if he will wake up and realise that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. My dh did and it has taken us the best part of 4 years to put things back together again. As to his family, don't stoop to their level. Just continue to be the wonderful woman that you are. I think it was the fact that my dh saw that I could rise above what he was and had done that made him come running back. I don't know what to say. I just want to cry. There are many people on this wonderful site who are here to cry with you. Hold on to the people who are not afraid to let you fall apart. Much love, all my prayers, kisses and hugs

"...I need to change about myself and the way I do things - eg. not let myself go, stop being a control freak, not giving praise where it's due, only criticizing and moaning etc."

A round of shouty bollocks to that (fruity language I know, but called for!) Looking after kids well means less time for yourself - that's not letting yourself go it's putting other people first. If dh had looked after the kids a bit more maybe you'd have had time to shop for clothes / get a haircut / treat yourself etc (or is this just me speaking?!)

Control freak? If you didn't do and organise stuff who was going to? eh? There's be no christmas or wedding presents, no birthdays remebered, no filled out forms for school - it goes on.. that's not control freakery, it's being the leader of the family!

Praise / criticism / moaning - bet he didn't spend much time wiping weetabix off his only clean trousers that looked halfway decent and expect a radiant wifey to admire his new shirt..

Get angry - he's totally disrespected you. To not even have discussed his feelings with you first just shows he's not thinking of anyone other than himself - not you, not the kids. GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW - just to boost your confidence if nothing else. You need to have it confirmed that your house and some sort of income is safe at least in the medium term.

Talie, I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to happen. As many people have said, there are lots of people here who will support you whatever happens next. Have you got people who you can rely on in RL?
Just want to say thinking of you!

Talie, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I agree totally with peskykids and think that marselectionboxlady's post is really uplifting. I sincerely hope that being on MN will help you through this, there are some great people here. Your dh is making a huge mistake, IMO. Good luck.

Just want to add to what everyone else has said. I'm so so sorry. How utterly dreadful for you.