Children come first - Opinions please

[heretogrow]

Hello.
name changed for anonymity.
I’m looking for opinions from those in all situations/relationships/marriages whether partner is parent of none/one or all of your children.

I’ve been told several times by ex partner that I put too much of my care/attention into my children, but he was also in particularly very needy so I’d like others opinions so I can grow/learn lessons here.

I understand a relationship requires attention paid to the partner but I’d like to know others opinions on if I’m right or wrong in doing so; how do you all manage said balance and does your partner/relationship come first for you?

For my husband and me it was a bit of both.

We both would put the children's needs ahead of our own and each other, but we both also recognise that growing up in a happy home with parents that are loving towards each other is a huge gift.

So when they were small we gave them our attention all day but were united in the need for firm bed times so that we got down time for ourselves.

As they grew we adapted this of course, but the principle remained the same, we took down time one evening of the weekend and the children knew that.

So Saturday night was pizza night and we would share a bottle of wine in front of the fire whilst they enjoyed a movie in their sitting room.

I think its really good for children to see that their parents enjoy each others company and can laugh together.

Obviously in a new relationship with a non parent, my child would absolutely come first until they were an adult at least and had left home.
No doubt about it

As a base level the kids come first, but I've seen a a few people make the mistake of obsessive focus on children to the point that the parental relationship completely died. One thing I am not a fan of is martyrdom in motherhood. Its the empty prize of free domestic labour.

We all have responsibilities. Primarily to our children. varying ones at varying ages. But also to elderly parents. Work. Partners.

It's really weird that he wanted you to sit with him whilst he persue his interests. When do you get to do anything for yourself? Or are you expected to do all the chores and then keep him company?

I think you need to read your post again. You sound like you have poor boundaries and no clue about a healthy relationship. Why is making sure you were intimate, cleaning and cooking a measure of what you deserve in return. And then to include your own dc into this nonsense. And now you are questioning where the children fit in? Sounds like you want to please this man so badly that you have lost sight of anything.

That sounds so messed up and controlling....expecting you to sit beside him as he games?

Jesus, scarily messed up.

Delighted to read he's an ex.

in a family everyone should feel loved and valued, children should not get the idea that their every whim should be acted on and their wants are the most important, I would not go around with holes in my shoes so they could have the latest trainers I might wear shoes with holes in if they ddn't have a pair that fit anymore but once they had one decent pair the next priority would me to get a decent pair not them getting a second pair, everyone in the household has a clothing allowance DD's is more because of school uniform and growing however now she has stopped growing so she might chose better stuff that lasts longer on the other hand I'm not buying better quality if it is too unfashionable to wear next year but she knows there is a finite limit for clothes, she gets pocket money for make up, sweets, cinema, trips treats etc, she gets her phone paid for, we're in Scotland so bus travel is free.
my DD is 13 so at weekends her bedtime is the same as mine, one evening I might watch a film with her another evening I might watch something with DH that she's not interested in, so she does something else ( usually tiktok you tube etc) when on holiday we vary things so everyone gets to do something they like it is not always possible to split up, so sometimes she might come with us to a museum which may not be her first choice another day we'll go shopping for trinkets which is not my idea of fun it is about compromise and balance,

So I put my husband and I before everything. He is a stay at home dad- I take half days off whilst she is at nursery so we can spend time together. We also have regular date nights- if we don't prioritise us it affects her- we become disfunctional/have more arguments etc as we aren't singing from the same hymn sheet....
It's not to say I don't do things the child needs- however if we are in a happy loving stable relationship she is happier has less meltdowns than if we don't prioritise our relationship
So for us we come first- she needs to know as well that she is loved and we love each other, love spending time together and laughing together

Your ex sounds a right nob, expecting you to sit with him gaming and ignore the children. You're well rid.

What a horrible man. He doesn't want a partner, he wants an accessory.

He just saw you as a non playable character - you are so much better off without him.

My children always come first, however I always do little things to keep showing my husband how important he is, even planning a date night once the kids are asleep, or time together, or just thoughtful things like “I went food shopping and saw this and thought you’d love it” that’s enough for my husband he isn’t needy fortunately.

Kids 100%

I love dp hugely, but it doesn't compare to me dc. If the situation required it, I would step over his body to carry my dc to safety. He would do the same.

That doesn't mean that I never think about his wellbeing, or he about mine, but the dc are the universal priority.

I struggle to understand how this isn't a universally accepted thing. It seems very strange and sad to have dc who aren't the priority.