Children come first - Opinions please

[heretogrow]

Hello.
name changed for anonymity.
I’m looking for opinions from those in all situations/relationships/marriages whether partner is parent of none/one or all of your children.

I’ve been told several times by ex partner that I put too much of my care/attention into my children, but he was also in particularly very needy so I’d like others opinions so I can grow/learn lessons here.

I understand a relationship requires attention paid to the partner but I’d like to know others opinions on if I’m right or wrong in doing so; how do you all manage said balance and does your partner/relationship come first for you?

Whilst they’re children, absolutely they came first, for both of us. That’s as it should be.

Now they’re adults, we’re enjoying investing more in each other again and very much looking forward to retirement together. Would still drop everything for them though, in a crisis or emergency.

You’re not wrong.

Putting your child’s needs over his wants is not wrong.

trust your judgement - you ended it because you knew it wasn’t right.

My child will be my priority, however the way I think about is that you cannot have a happy family if any member of the unit is unhappy, and happy, stable family is of a paramount importance to child development and future life chances.
Yes there will be a lot of compromise and letting go of your personal wants or time spend with your partner, but there are limits to that, and you have to nurture the relationship with your partner and have time for yourself.

Adults have choices. Children often don't.
They rely on us to do our best for them.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't have self care, but generally if you have children, you need to factor in their needs when making decisions.

Its a balance - yes children are usually the priority, but I do see a lot of women who end up almost ignoring their husbands. Or couples where they are so used to being mum and dad there is nothing left of the relationship when the kids leave home. It is important to remember that the relationship between parents is the bedrock of the family, and to nurture it. On the other hand, having children can also highlight some really messed up thinking about men with regards to their responsibilities and rights and in this case, any attention not paid to them ends up being a huge deal - which is massively unattractive.

by men, not about men.

I do think it's incredibly important to prioritise relationships, children's wants do not trump adults needs. A strong relationship is beneficial to children, so no one should feel guilty investing time with their partner, if you put your relationship on the back burner it may not be there when you go back to it. Not everything has to be about the kids, this can create entitled children, and unhappy adults losing their identity when they are needed less.

That said, you use the word needy, the above is only applicable in relationships between good people and good parents, if you've got a dud who is not a good parent, then I would not be investing in the relationship!

There is zero “need” for a grown man to have his partner sat by his side every weekend whilst he plays computer games or watches sport.

Thats a want. That’s not a need.

Any partner telling you that you put too much of your care/attention into your children is a huge red flag IMO.

I haven't been in your position but I have had a stepparent who had a similar outlook.

This is the right balance imo

He wanted you to sit next to him while he paid you no attention rather than you spending time with your child? I'm glad he's an ex.

I'm a stepdad to two girls (12 & 8) and we have a 3 yr old together too.

Before I moved in we discussed all this. The children's needs would come first, and as their mum she would decide what level of 'want' was a really a 'need.' So I knew not to expect a great deal of focus.

But the kids were young (6 & 2) and we were lucky that they were so open to me joining the family (and also that their dad was sound about it, let's be honest it helps...) Being as much a part of the family life as possible gave us the most time together. It's not the same as direct, focused attention, but at least you're together, taking joy in the same things and suffering all the things you suffer with kids (tantrums etc.) together.

We're often too knackered to even be overly attentive to each other in the evening now (SD12 turned out to have fairly severe ADHD and other learning SEN, so we're pretty drained from it, and the our 3yr old is... lively, and then we need to make sure the 8 year old doesn't feel left out just because she demands less attention.) We make the moments count, but I think it's important we see it all as part of looking after the family, rather than me being a separate thing she needs to make time for, if that makes sense?

Our daughter has actually started staying a night with the girl's dad when its his weekend, which is an absolutely godsend!

@electricmoccasins you have perfectly articulated it.
Child's needs > parent's needs, Child's wants < Parent's wants.

It does get a little tricky where the parent wants unreasonable things, like an audience while he plays video games (very unattractive), in which case OP it's perfectly ok to put your own wants first - would you rather hang with your DC, watch your ex play a video game or do something completely different for yourself? There's no wrong answer if it's what you want to do.

I see that you're reflecting on this as a growth opportunity for you and based on what you've said about your ex, I hope it's not with a view to rekindling anything with him. Your self reflection would be wasted on someone so selfish.

if it's needs then whoever's need is greater, generally this would be the child's but not always, child's wants do not come before adult's needs and when it comes to wants there needs to be a balance we do not satisfy all our DD's wants before our own @electricmoccasins is about right

Children’s needs of course come first.
But it’s also very important to factor in time as a couple without the kids around and to focus on your partner at times.
that said, your example of your partner expecting you to sit and watch him play video games is ridiculous on his part. Who wants to do that?! That’s definitely time he can spend by himself playing video games and you can spend with your DD. Then you can find something you like to do together (even if just watching a film/series you’re both into) as couple time.

It depends on whether your partner is the father of your DC or not.

If you're both parents of the DC in question, I think it's incredibly whiny and unattractive of men to whine that the kids are getting all of the attention and they're not getting enough. Usually what this means is that they're doing bugger all and then wondering why you don't have the energy (after doing everything) to pander to their needs and treat them like an extra child. There is usually a failure to take responsibility here. Instead of working with you in partnership to care for the children, sharing the burden and then sharing what physical and emotional energy you have left with each other, they're setting themselves up as an extra chore and responsibility for you to cope with. So, if you're both together, definitely you need to make time for each other, but that involves both partners sharing the burden to create the space to do this.

If you don't share DC, obviously it's trickier and, for the relationship to work, your partner needs to accept that you'll have a lot less to give than if you didn't have children.

Yes, I feel like other posters that your own wants and needs weren’t even a consideration to your ex and even yourself to be honest.

Expecting you to sit with him while he plays online games is excessively selfish. Perhaps is was more about jealousy and proving to himself who you loved more.

Dont forget that even if he states something as a fact, it doesn’t mean he even believes it’s true. It’s just being used as something to beat you with. If you ended the relationship he probably needs to find something else to blame rather than his own behaviour.

Next time he says this to you just reply “that’s bollocks” or ignore him totally.

You are in the right. No child asked to be born - they should absolutely be their parent's priority. That doesn't mean you can't make time for you as well, though.

I agree with @Cottagecheeseisnotcheese

All family members deserve their needs to be met in order of the importance of the need. However children's needs will often be stronger as they don't have the funds/wherewithal/ability to feed and clothe themselves etc. So inevitably the children's needs will naturally be prioritised. Needs of all family members should be met before wants are considered.

The line between needs and wants can be blurred. So for example a hobby a child loves, or being able to attend a friend's party could be labelled "want" but may also border on building a child's happiness and confidence which is it ought to be a need. Adults will want their own social activities and enjoyment and therefore happiness and his mental health but can exercise control over when/how this happens without being dependent on someone else to provide that so the adults need to at least consider the children's wants and ideally ensure that they get a fair balance. So for example I spend much of Saturday basing the daytime around dropping/picking up from dance class and play dates or taking teen out for driving practice. But in the evening I get "my" time to drink wine and watch tv with my husband or go out with friends when youngest is in bed getting her need for sleep met .

I think your ex was ridiculous. He wanted to meet his want to do his hobbies (fair enough doing something enjoyable partly borders into a need). But he also wanted you to sit dumbly by his side like a handmaiden. He didn't seem to consider whether that was meeting any of your needs or wants or whether you being there was depriving your child of a need or want. I think what I'm trying to say is that balance is important and he gave zero consideration to that, whereas you did.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness . It's interesting to hear your experiences. If you're both doing your bit (and completely knackered by it 😂!) like you are, I think it's much rarer to whine that you're not getting enough attention as you realise how absurd and self-indulgent this often is and you know how tired your partner is!

For me it's kids first always. To be honest, I'd even go so far as to say I'd put other people's kids ahead of a partner, in some circumstances!

Children are vulnerable, so need is adults to look out for them more than other adults do. If your partner is acting like they need you more than a child does, you have one hell of an immature partner.

I suspect my husband is the arsehole he is because he doesn't like that the kids have always come first with me, whereas before them, he was my world.

I suspect my husband is the arsehole he is because he doesn't like that the kids have always come first with me, whereas before them, he was my world.

Crikey this really isn't a good mindset in my opinion, if you really do centre your children to the extent it sounds at the detriment of healthy adult relationships you are not mirroring healthy behaviour for them which will ultimately be harmful for them. They learn from you.

I think that last paragraph is relevant. My SD's dad never adjusted to suddenly not being the most important person in her world.

I've never known what that's like to miss it. Yes we had a dating phase where when we were together I was the focus, but even that would often be interrupted or cancelled due to child stuff. We occasionally feel a bit sad that we never had that more carefree time together, but since we started our relationship on 'difficult mode' it's nice to know that test isn't coming - we'll only have more time to focus on each other as the years go by.

I have one ds who is 14. He has been my priority for the last 14 years. I chose to bring him into the world and he is my primary responsibility until he is 18.

I had a relationship after ds' dad and I split, and it worked for a while but eventually I was told I needed to 'get rid' of ds half the time if I wanted the relationship to continue. Man wanted to travel during term time etc. I got rid of the man.

You are not in the wrong, OP. Your instincts are spot on.

Children first, even when bio parents are together still. My boyfriend has 2 young kids. I have 3 older kids. 2 are adults, youngest 15. I can’t imagine a situation where any of us would put each other over our own kids. My relationship with father of DC broke up and a big part (not all) was because he was jealous of the relationship I had with DC1 (not his bio child). But I was never going to put him before my own child. He regrets it now (my ex), 13yrs down the line. He was a lot younger and less mature. He knows he caused a lot of heartache by acting like a jealous idiot