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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I was taken for a ride

45 replies

missdesguised · 02/03/2023 23:35

So I met him at a party, instant connection and attraction on all levels and he seemed pretty besotted too, let’s describe as ‘magical’ when you feel like the time completely stopped and all the other people fade in the background.

We were seeing each other for 3 months with the agreement that it was nothing serious (time was an issue due to opposite lifestyles + 1 hour between our homes), so it was kinda like a FWB situation yet he asked for monogamy - everything was good and we had a pact: if one of us decided to stop seeing the other, we would have an open and honest conversation - no ghosting.

So the day came when he started to be slightely colder and act different. I gave him space. After a weekend of no plans and no communication, he texted me apologising for going silent and letting me know he was feeling distant, confused and didn’t know what to do or what he wanted.

I replied back saying that I noticed the changes and that I myself was not confused at all, I knew exactly what to do and what I wanted…

He texted back saying that he was glad I was not confused and seemed sure of my feelings.

As I was texting back (to say that I wanted someone who wanted me and if he was distant and confused I would rather us take a break) he texted me mid way me texting him saying that he didn’t want to have this conversation through text and could we video call in two days time?

I agreed.

On the day / time agreed, we video call and he says he is scared of commitment. I then remind him that we have a no commitment agreement and list all of the reasons why I couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. I tell him I want for a FWB relationship and as much as I enjoyed and admired him and wanted him to be my FWB, I would accept and undertand if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and I would move on and find someone else eventually, no need for him to feel guilty.

He then said he was relieved about the no - commitment being reinforced and he must have been panicking for no reason.

Two weeks passed and we carry on talking, messaging etc, still no plans or dates.

Then my birthday weekend and we finally have plans to spend Saturday night together. I sent my daughter to her grandparents and keep my weekend open, excited about finally being with him.

Friday evening on my way to an event, he sends me a video about anxiety, depression, insomnia, all the things he suffers from to some extent…
I had a hunch he was trying to tell me something…

On Saturday mid day he texts to say that he is feeling sick and don’t want to go out, can I go to his for a quiet b’day celebration? I invited him to mine instead as I had things planned in my neighbourhood on Sunday morning and didn’t want to have to wake up earlier than usual and travel (on public transport) while he drives. He asked to confirm in the afternoon. I agreed but went out on my own to enjoy the day.

At around 3pm he texts to say he can’t make it, can we go for lunch on Sunday instead. I declined lunch saying that I didn’t want to risk making plans in case he is still not feeling well enough on Sunday and can’t make it…what I didn’t say was that also I wanted a Saturday night full of passion or tenderness, sleep together, cuddle, etc, after a long time not seeing each other - not lunch on Sunday… but I was scared he was going to let me down again…

He then say he will video call me later in the evening

I tried to enjoy myself as much as I could but it was also late to arrange anything, I was on my own and a bit sad, so decided to spend my evening at home, watching a movie and chilling

He then calls me as promissed, apologises profuselly, says he feels like rubbish for spoiling my b’day weekend but he would not be good company anyway as he is just feeling so miserable … yet during the day he managed to attend one exercise workshop and one acumpture appointment because it was already booked in advance and he didn’t want to miss it…

At this point I wished him well and ended the call. I was pretty sad and rejected and knew the end was coming for us

Following day and week he messages me like nothing happened and I’m sometimes upbeat and sometimes blah as now my feeling are all over the place

The weekend comes, radio silence, I give him space

Then mid week, in the evening I receive a loooooong text message (yes I counted 200 words) - he basically says how amazing and special everything was but ultimatelly his feelings changed and he was angry with himself he couldn’t sustain it and was destroying such a good thing blahblahblah, can we be friends and talk only about our hobbies and pets?

I replied the next morning with a simple ‘ok’ - honestly I was so shocked I couldn’t come up with anything else even though I barely slept thinking and crying over this.

After 2 weeks no contact whatsover, he pops back on my phone, asking me how I am blahblah, he is being thinking about me, etc. I reply nicely and sweetly thinking that he wants to at least talk face to face but he keeps bringing up pets and hobbies so Iet the conversation die as I can’t be only a friend.

This whole thing still haunts me, there are a few things that I wished I had done differently but obviously it is silly as I can’t go back in the past

1- should have sent the text saying that I was not confused at all and suggesting taking a break instead of erasing it when he said he didn’t want to discuss it over the text… after a few weeks he did exactly that: broke up with me over text. It seems like he just didn’t want to be rejected first even though he knew he didn’t want to see me anymore.

2- should have asked why he sent me such a somber video a day before we were supposed to meet…maybe he would tell me he had no intentions to meet sooner and I would have time to plan something else

3- I regret taking his call on my b’day Saturday evening - I should have ignored, turned my phone off, whatever. It just made me realise that he was well enough for other activities but not for being with me

4- should have written a better reply to his break up text instead of just ‘ok’ - not expressing my feelings made me suffer for longer

5- should have blocked him or completely ignored the new message after the break up - my hopes went up than down again with a bang, it felt like being slapped in the face again

This happened sometime ago and I still have residues holding me back - I’ve done so much to overcome this and indeed I overcame much worse situations - family, health, finances, housing and other more problematic relationships - yet this little fling is the thing that finally broke me. I tried to fix myself and move on from this in a number of different ways and spent a few £££££ in the process. There were some benefits of course, I grew a lot as a person, but still, I can’t shake him off. It’s such a hopeless feeling - not wanting him back, knowing he won’t come back, certain he doesn’t want me…but always wondering ‘what if’ or ruminating the past.

Exhausting.

OP posts:
Sellsellseller · 02/03/2023 23:40

Couldn’t do weekends….reason was because he wasn’t single and that’s when he saw his girlfriend.
It sucks, but more than likely the truth.
You was new, fun and exciting but he can only take it so far before he needs to dump and find someone new so they don’t get too suspicious (and find out he actually has a girlfriend).

Northernsouloldies · 02/03/2023 23:43

Op you seem to have your stuff together, can you really be arsed with this level of drama 3month in. And the not knowing if you're going to be dropped last minute for whatever reason. Personally I'd move on. Good luck with whatever you decide.

CandidClarisse · 02/03/2023 23:51

For something that was supposed to only be FWB, you got too heavily invested,
Hence why it hurt so bad and still haunts you. The fact you are analysing every little thing you said shows this. It's hard I know bit you just need to try and leave him and the last behind you. Maybe subconsciously you realised he didn't want you in the same way you wanted him, so you settled for the no commitment thing to encourage him, but deep down, you wanted more?

Original poster
missdesguised · 02/03/2023 23:51

Sellsellseller · 02/03/2023 23:40

Couldn’t do weekends….reason was because he wasn’t single and that’s when he saw his girlfriend.
It sucks, but more than likely the truth.
You was new, fun and exciting but he can only take it so far before he needs to dump and find someone new so they don’t get too suspicious (and find out he actually has a girlfriend).

there was probably other women on the horizon and lined up but we did weekends on the beggining and I slept over there + attended events together and met his closest friends…

but I suspect the monogamy was very superficial or just an aspiration

at the end, I guess there was new woman getting involved hence all the avoidance and bad feelings

honesty would have been so much kinder

OP posts:
Original poster
missdesguised · 02/03/2023 23:53

Northernsouloldies · 02/03/2023 23:43

Op you seem to have your stuff together, can you really be arsed with this level of drama 3month in. And the not knowing if you're going to be dropped last minute for whatever reason. Personally I'd move on. Good luck with whatever you decide.

thanks

I’ve phisically moved on and we are NC for a long time

Is my mind that keeps playing tricks - some days are better than others

OP posts:
Original poster
missdesguised · 02/03/2023 23:54

CandidClarisse · 02/03/2023 23:51

For something that was supposed to only be FWB, you got too heavily invested,
Hence why it hurt so bad and still haunts you. The fact you are analysing every little thing you said shows this. It's hard I know bit you just need to try and leave him and the last behind you. Maybe subconsciously you realised he didn't want you in the same way you wanted him, so you settled for the no commitment thing to encourage him, but deep down, you wanted more?

makes sense

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 02/03/2023 23:59

The thing that strikes me about this is how together you sound and what a mess he sounds. Nothing you did or didn’t do could change him. In a way you’ve done well not to waste much longer on him. It’ll take time but over time you’ll ruminate less and less, particularly if you move on from what you wished you did, just too late now.

Landndialamrhf · 03/03/2023 00:05

I would add to your list that no adult relationship should have a pact
and that no FWB should be monogamous- you’re either together or you’re not. This wishy washy exclusive but not together has probably made your feelings more confusing

but otherwise you know the red flags you missed
youve beat yourself up about it enough now, that’s not helping anymore
so all you can do is promise yourself you won’t miss those red flags next time.

crackofdoom · 03/03/2023 00:06

Hmmm. Lovebombing, mixed messages, it almost seems deliberate that he ruined your birthday weekend...🤔 It all seems pretty toxic to me. I think you acted pretty impeccably in this situation you couldn't win. He sounds like quite the narcissist.

It's weird, though, the hold these people have over us. I was involved with someone a few months ago who utterly charmed and lovebombed me, was a galloping alcoholic, had a dodgy past including allegations of sexual and emotional abuse by an ex, suffered from ED but was a sex pest, and I was starting to notice little digs and nasty comments and suspected he was about to start tearing me down after building me up.

....I think about him every day. I grieve that he's not "better". I grieve that any other man I meet isn't him. I forced myself to set boundaries, then sever ties with him because I have enough self control and insight to realise that logically he's bad news, but the hold that these people have over us is intense.

Amadeaa · 03/03/2023 00:32

It sounds like you handled it well, and you’re strong and confident.

Agapornis · 03/03/2023 00:37

I've been there. I learnt:
FWB is not for me.
Never ever make birthday plans with a new boyfriend/sex person.
Anyone vaguely hinting at mental health issues, but unable to talk about it, needs therapy and is probably not ready for a relationship. I don't want to be anyone's therapist.

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 01:12

I don't actually think he did have a girlfriend, I think he's simply not in a position to commit. I don't mean commit to one person, but commit to anything. He probably did like you but his character means he's stiffled by expectation. If he suffers with depression and anxiety the extra pressure to be a decent boyfriend stress him, and the failure will depress him further. He liked you a lot but knew he couldn't give you what you deserved so let you go. Tempted as he was he didn't feel right just dipping in and out of your life so exited.

If this was your wonderful boyfriend of 2 years experiencing an episode of poor mental health I might suggest weathering the storm but I think he's kinda dropped hints that certainly atm he's just a waste of space.
Penny to a pound he smokes weed too.

Frances0911 · 03/03/2023 01:14

He sounds like a complete twat, and an immature one at that. Also, who wants to talk only about pets and hobbies!

RememberNancyDrew · 03/03/2023 02:28

Sounds like he didn't want to celebrate your birthday with you. Maybe that was some kind of line crossed from FWB to real relationship he didn't want to make.

PollyAmour · 03/03/2023 02:33

Sounds like you have dodged a bullet there.

ShandaLear · 03/03/2023 05:49

Oh Lordy, it’s only been three months. Who on earth needs that much drama? Bin and move on.

motherofkevinnotperry · 03/03/2023 05:59

I couldn't be arsed with him frankly. It shouldn't be this difficult

Oblomov23 · 03/03/2023 06:13

He sounds like a complete berk. What sort of relationship do you want? I bet you actually want a proper, loving, committed one. So don't do this bullshit of FWB.

As soon as he mentions commitment. As soon as he mentions anxiety. As soon as he mentions being 'distant and confused', I'd be off. Why weren't you?

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 06:20

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 01:12

I don't actually think he did have a girlfriend, I think he's simply not in a position to commit. I don't mean commit to one person, but commit to anything. He probably did like you but his character means he's stiffled by expectation. If he suffers with depression and anxiety the extra pressure to be a decent boyfriend stress him, and the failure will depress him further. He liked you a lot but knew he couldn't give you what you deserved so let you go. Tempted as he was he didn't feel right just dipping in and out of your life so exited.

If this was your wonderful boyfriend of 2 years experiencing an episode of poor mental health I might suggest weathering the storm but I think he's kinda dropped hints that certainly atm he's just a waste of space.
Penny to a pound he smokes weed too.

I agree with this completely and from what’s been said even though OP is saying she didn’t want / couldn’t have a relationship, it does sound like she had more feelings than letting on.

FWB isn’t for me, I can’t have sex with someone without developing feelings

PaigeMatthews · 03/03/2023 06:34

RememberNancyDrew · 03/03/2023 02:28

Sounds like he didn't want to celebrate your birthday with you. Maybe that was some kind of line crossed from FWB to real relationship he didn't want to make.

I thought this too. Clearly didnt get you anything but didn't want to be seen not to have as that looks crap. He just sounds like a dreadful person to be around anyway.

did you want to fix him?

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2023 06:35

All this drama for a FWB!!! Your over investment for this twat is baffling. Too many posters on MN treat FWB situations as a gateway into a relationship.

pictoosh · 03/03/2023 06:41

Well whatever is going on, it’s certainly all about him isn’t it?

He sounds like a selfish user and absolutely full of himself. You appear to be dancing along to his tune, reassuring him he doesn’t have to commit to you. He fucked up your birthday over flim flam.

He may well be juggling a couple of women…but even if not, who needs to deal with that much navel gazing and self absorption?

Not attractive. Next.

notthisagainforest · 03/03/2023 06:50

I think you had feelings for this guy and were kidding yourself you wanted fwb. No way would you have written that massive story on mn over a Fwb. You've tried to act as a bloke but it rarely works. We are wired differently and we get attached. His mucked you about no end probably got a few others on the go and his full of shit. Block and delete and move on. Think about what you really want in the future. Good luck.

Daffodilsandbeer · 03/03/2023 07:04

im sorry this happened to you , it’s clear you’d deep feelings for him where as he saw it as a bit of no strings fun, and he was very clear up front that it wasn’t serious. He even sought to reconfirm it and stressed no commitment, so I’d hazard a guess he realised your depth of feelings , he wasn’t going to go there and then he ended it very badly by dragging it out so it wasn’t a surprise.

It’s hurtful but you need to try to accept it was never meant to be.

Original poster
missdesguised · 03/03/2023 08:49

RememberNancyDrew · 03/03/2023 02:28

Sounds like he didn't want to celebrate your birthday with you. Maybe that was some kind of line crossed from FWB to real relationship he didn't want to make.

Yeah sounds like it, the fucked up thing was that “doing something nice for my b’day” was his idea and he said that one week before my b’day weekend.

I was dumb to have believed and not making other plans with other people just in case but he was wrong to make me believe we would be together and then drag it out on the day just to drop me last minute.

I’m not a big birthday celebrator, and wasn’t expecting anything special or mindblowing. Just being together would be enough.

Must say that I’m pretty happy with myself that I had some sort of standadrs as in not going to his home last minute - Iand inviting him to mine instead.

The old me would have gone and then sacrificed the next morning by either cancelling plans or waking up earlier and travelling accross the city on a Sunday morning.

OP posts: