I was taken for a ride

[missdesguised]

So I met him at a party, instant connection and attraction on all levels and he seemed pretty besotted too, let’s describe as ‘magical’ when you feel like the time completely stopped and all the other people fade in the background.

We were seeing each other for 3 months with the agreement that it was nothing serious (time was an issue due to opposite lifestyles + 1 hour between our homes), so it was kinda like a FWB situation yet he asked for monogamy - everything was good and we had a pact: if one of us decided to stop seeing the other, we would have an open and honest conversation - no ghosting.

So the day came when he started to be slightely colder and act different. I gave him space. After a weekend of no plans and no communication, he texted me apologising for going silent and letting me know he was feeling distant, confused and didn’t know what to do or what he wanted.

I replied back saying that I noticed the changes and that I myself was not confused at all, I knew exactly what to do and what I wanted…

He texted back saying that he was glad I was not confused and seemed sure of my feelings.

As I was texting back (to say that I wanted someone who wanted me and if he was distant and confused I would rather us take a break) he texted me mid way me texting him saying that he didn’t want to have this conversation through text and could we video call in two days time?

I agreed.

On the day / time agreed, we video call and he says he is scared of commitment. I then remind him that we have a no commitment agreement and list all of the reasons why I couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. I tell him I want for a FWB relationship and as much as I enjoyed and admired him and wanted him to be my FWB, I would accept and undertand if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and I would move on and find someone else eventually, no need for him to feel guilty.

He then said he was relieved about the no - commitment being reinforced and he must have been panicking for no reason.

Two weeks passed and we carry on talking, messaging etc, still no plans or dates.

Then my birthday weekend and we finally have plans to spend Saturday night together. I sent my daughter to her grandparents and keep my weekend open, excited about finally being with him.

Friday evening on my way to an event, he sends me a video about anxiety, depression, insomnia, all the things he suffers from to some extent…
I had a hunch he was trying to tell me something…

On Saturday mid day he texts to say that he is feeling sick and don’t want to go out, can I go to his for a quiet b’day celebration? I invited him to mine instead as I had things planned in my neighbourhood on Sunday morning and didn’t want to have to wake up earlier than usual and travel (on public transport) while he drives. He asked to confirm in the afternoon. I agreed but went out on my own to enjoy the day.

At around 3pm he texts to say he can’t make it, can we go for lunch on Sunday instead. I declined lunch saying that I didn’t want to risk making plans in case he is still not feeling well enough on Sunday and can’t make it…what I didn’t say was that also I wanted a Saturday night full of passion or tenderness, sleep together, cuddle, etc, after a long time not seeing each other - not lunch on Sunday… but I was scared he was going to let me down again…

He then say he will video call me later in the evening

I tried to enjoy myself as much as I could but it was also late to arrange anything, I was on my own and a bit sad, so decided to spend my evening at home, watching a movie and chilling

He then calls me as promissed, apologises profuselly, says he feels like rubbish for spoiling my b’day weekend but he would not be good company anyway as he is just feeling so miserable … yet during the day he managed to attend one exercise workshop and one acumpture appointment because it was already booked in advance and he didn’t want to miss it…

At this point I wished him well and ended the call. I was pretty sad and rejected and knew the end was coming for us

Following day and week he messages me like nothing happened and I’m sometimes upbeat and sometimes blah as now my feeling are all over the place

The weekend comes, radio silence, I give him space

Then mid week, in the evening I receive a loooooong text message (yes I counted 200 words) - he basically says how amazing and special everything was but ultimatelly his feelings changed and he was angry with himself he couldn’t sustain it and was destroying such a good thing blahblahblah, can we be friends and talk only about our hobbies and pets?

I replied the next morning with a simple ‘ok’ - honestly I was so shocked I couldn’t come up with anything else even though I barely slept thinking and crying over this.

After 2 weeks no contact whatsover, he pops back on my phone, asking me how I am blahblah, he is being thinking about me, etc. I reply nicely and sweetly thinking that he wants to at least talk face to face but he keeps bringing up pets and hobbies so Iet the conversation die as I can’t be only a friend.

This whole thing still haunts me, there are a few things that I wished I had done differently but obviously it is silly as I can’t go back in the past

1- should have sent the text saying that I was not confused at all and suggesting taking a break instead of erasing it when he said he didn’t want to discuss it over the text… after a few weeks he did exactly that: broke up with me over text. It seems like he just didn’t want to be rejected first even though he knew he didn’t want to see me anymore.

2- should have asked why he sent me such a somber video a day before we were supposed to meet…maybe he would tell me he had no intentions to meet sooner and I would have time to plan something else

3- I regret taking his call on my b’day Saturday evening - I should have ignored, turned my phone off, whatever. It just made me realise that he was well enough for other activities but not for being with me

4- should have written a better reply to his break up text instead of just ‘ok’ - not expressing my feelings made me suffer for longer

5- should have blocked him or completely ignored the new message after the break up - my hopes went up than down again with a bang, it felt like being slapped in the face again

This happened sometime ago and I still have residues holding me back - I’ve done so much to overcome this and indeed I overcame much worse situations - family, health, finances, housing and other more problematic relationships - yet this little fling is the thing that finally broke me. I tried to fix myself and move on from this in a number of different ways and spent a few £££££ in the process. There were some benefits of course, I grew a lot as a person, but still, I can’t shake him off. It’s such a hopeless feeling - not wanting him back, knowing he won’t come back, certain he doesn’t want me…but always wondering ‘what if’ or ruminating the past.

Exhausting.

You say you would've done more, years ago. That's worrying. That not only did you miss the red flags this time, but before it would've been worse. Do you have poor self esteem, Are you having counselling? Talk to your counsellor. Re missing the red flags. And also in future Be true to yourself - you don't really want a FWB so why aren't you making that clear to men, going all out with the intention of having a fully loving relationship, serious, ending in Marriage, rather than a FWB with a non committing navel gazer?

All the advice given here, move on, next etc, is the same I give lol, it is so easy when we are not inside

I agree. FWB is not for me and now I know.

My life circustances at the time were not conductive of a relationship and he was the only FWB I tried to have. I wasn’t looking. I met him and we clicked. It would be crazy not to try because when things were good, it was amazing. Best sex of my life and a lot of fun outside the bedroom too.

I accepted he wanted to break up what made me mad was him doing it over text message - he had opportunities to do it face to face or should have created the opportunity…and even a video call as we were used to, would have been so much better. I appreciate that rejecting someone is never easy. At least he didn’t ghost as promissed.

Dripping feeding now but the OP was already too long and convoluted but after the ‘break up’ we met at a party again and he was all around me. I was pretty happy to see him, treated him well, but held him at arm’s lenghts and avoided talks and flirting. I think he was baffled as he probably was very sure of how my feelings for him were always stronger tham his feelings for me. I just couldn’t behave like nothing happened and get on the roller coaster again.

I deleted his phone, not sure if I blocked first though but I doubt he will text and I doubted I will ever see him again.

Glad to see the consensus here is that I handled it well. Makes me stop doubting myself and reinforces the idea that he is the toxic one and I had a lucky escape.

It sounds like you were very cool and collected when you spoke repeatedly to him about only wanting to be FWBs. However I don't believe your words truly reflected your feelings. You wouldn't have been awake all night crying if you weren't emotionally attached to him, wanting more from him than he offered.
I'm I don't think you've done anything wrong and shouldn't over analyse your actions. This is on all him. To put it simply, first he was in to you, then he wasn't it. That's it. But he should have just made a clean break of it, instead he messed you around and dragged it out. Maybe there was another woman, maybe not but the fact is he changed his mind about you. You were consistent and did nothing wrong.

I’ve worked on myself a lot

I married / divorced twice already

I saw the red flags and was keeping a mental note of them, but there were some green flags too or maybe I just didn’t realise how much I invested I was until he broke up

I’m pretty sure if I had left first as soon as he expressed confusion as I initially had the impulse to do, I would have been fine - but unfortunatelly I believed on the “let’s not to this over text message thing” and didn’t want to be the one to act “immature”… then I was sucked in again while he was trying to sory his confusion out - a very bad position I put myself in. Just for him to go and end over text anyways - doh!

I think my difficulty in this situation is the feeling that I let myself down rather than feelings for him.

It is almost as if I can’t quite forgive myself for letting myself be in that position, especially after everything I gone through with other men. I knew better but I didn’t follow my wisdom and own advice and can’t quite forgive myself fully.

I spent a lot of money and time on different therapies and treatments. I got a lot out of it and changed a lot in my life, he would not recognise me tbh, I’m a much better person in alm areas of my life BUT still not completely healed and bewildered how a 3 month FWB fling can cause so much.

You were just one in the hand. He was on the look out or seeing others at the same time. It took a lot out of him putting all that love bombing effort into you, and something better came along. He'll do the same to her when he gets bored.

Move on and block.

Sorry that happened to you.
I have quite recently been love bombed and suddenly cast aside and it is proving very hard to move on from. I'm in a very miserable, overthinking place.

I think he (they) just love the chase and the excitement of someone new. And then when it's not new anymore it's less interesting to them and they're looking around for something more exciting. They are bullshitters. And the rejection absolutely stings, but honestly you sound like you held your dignity and did everything right. Unlike me. Be proud of how you handled it.

One thing I think is I (we?) could never go back. Could never be with him ever again because the spell is broken, I know what he is and how he operates and the rose tinted goggles are smashed up on the floor. So all the reliving or creating hypothetical situations it doesn't matter, it can't be good with him ever again no matter what. It's dead.

Mathew Hussey on YouTube is good. He talks about love bombers / ghosters / moving on in one of his talks and it is insightful. On a bad day, give him a listen.

How long ago was this op? It’s starting to sound like years.

even your wording over him is swoony still. I think you need to be honest with yourself if you fell in love and are still in love. You’re even thinking about what he would think of you now. For a guy you spent a few weeks seeing.

are you stalking him on line, social media? To get your fix?

Yes, you know it. I know it.

On the bright side, love bombing will never work on me again.

MH on youtube was my saving grace. I don’t watch him now but he helped me move on, I think I watched all his content and even won a competition for his book signed by him + a sweet message. Couldn’t read it though.

Whaf makes what we are going through truly fucked up is that we can see the real ‘them’ now, the fantasy is over, we woke up from the dream, we would never be able to give them our heart fully again, never be able to relax in their presence, to have as much fun, to believe. Still the whole thing hurts - I know I would never be able to have him back if he wanted, still he is in my head. It’s like a virus. It’s awful.

No, I’m not connected to him in any social media and I don’t stalk. I even unfollowed some pages we both followed by coincidence so we would’t ‘share’ any space. I stopped going to events where I might bump into him or somebody linked to him. I even refused going to a hairdressers reccomended to me when I found out the salon was in his neighbourhood.

We have zero contact.

Yes, it was a few years back and that is why makes me kick myself. I can control my actions pretty well, my thoughts not so much. But I have a string of good days sometimes when I forget all about this situation. Then I have a string of bad days like now, when it keeps coming up.

It's upsetting but I agree with pp, for a FWB situation that you said yourself you expected no commitment from, you sound way too invested. Don't dwell on it any longer. He sounds like incredibly hard work anyway.

Fwb is not for you or a lot of people.

I really hope I'm able to get over my recent love bombing / leaving / heartbreak. I don't want to be still thinking about him this time next year or in years to come but I'm getting it all stuck in my head. I wonder if you have any advice, would you have done anything differently with hindsight in the way you moved on

OP give hom the space he needs. Lots of it. He's been playing you. Find someone else.

Re this - do you still actively avoid him? How would you feel if you walked past him in the street?

"unfollowed some pages we both followed [...] stopped going to events [...] going to a hairdressers [...] in his neighbourhood."

It sounds stressful. Remember, he's not giving you any headspace like this.

To be totally honest I think what made me struggle to move on was to give me deadlines like the one you gave to yourself since it made me sometimes anxious to achieve healing by the deadline or before and it caused me to bypass a lot of the processing I still needed done.

It also made me judge myself harshily for still being hang up on him

What I did that helped was to talk about it as much as I needed. I had one good friend who listened for months but then he got fed up of course. So I joined forums, FB groups etc, being able to talk about it knowing that somebody will read it is helpful to me better than journalling.

Also trying new activities / new hobbies and doing things I always wanted to do before even if only once. I did a lot of courses, changed careers, joined the gym, revamped my style, moved houses.
Doing new things kept my life full, busy and renewed. If I had more money I would have done even more. I travelled only once since right aftet the break up and if I know if I had travelled more it would have been super helpful.

One thing that I didn’t do but should have done was to open myself to date again. I was extremely scared of getting hurt, didn’t trust men, didn’t want to get into a FWB situation again. In hindsight if I could go back I would go out more with new men even if only for experiences and fun with no expectations attached. I thought I got too close to the perfect thing and somehow convinced myself that the next one should be THE ONE and that limited me a lot.

💐

Just to make the small point that many people who have "good" FWB experiences have more than one FWB at any time. It makes it less likely that you will get emotionally invested in any one FWB.

I agree with @CandidClarisse. You maintained you just wanted a casual relationship but that doesn't match how you reacted. And why you were so 'shocked' when there were red flags telling you he was about to end it?
This man was a coward. I've had this - dated a guy for nine months, I was quite clearly invested, but when I asked for some commitment he said that he didn't see us as a long term thing and when I asked why he let us continue if he realised that and he said he was weak.
Next time think about what YOU want and feel. If they don't match it cut your losses. They are not going to come to care for you more as time goes on. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt.

He was all about being kind / open / honest / mature, etc - the shock was from the text message not the break up itself…. the shock was about he ending through text because he said he wouldn’t have that kind ov conversation through text and because when I was about to do it, he sensed it and stopped me

before sending the text he had opportunitues to end things on video calls and I gave him outings. But I know that I should have ended it myself instead of leaving my destiny on his hands and I appreciate that rejecting someone who likes you is a very hard thing to do

I maybe wished for more in the future, maybe hoped everything would fall jnto place later on but at that time I was really just looking for a FWB situation maybe because I underestimated how much I liked him and overestimated how much he liked me. Yes there were red flags and honesty from him regarding avoidance and fear of commitment but there were also good times and mixed messages and he never treated me badly. When I gave him space to figure it out and became quiet, he was always the one reaching out, giving me accounts of his day, making music for me and sending videos of him playing it, taking photos of things that reminded him of me and sending it…

Lots of good advice and you sound very switched on.

Funny how these losers always fxxk up birthdays and special occasions.

The lesson is to never give casual guys the power on the actual day.

Celebrate with them on another day and keep the boundary of only celebrating with close family and friends until things are well established.

You handled yourself well and you learnt from it, so you are moving forward and that is all any of us can hope for.

Wishing you well.