Have you stayed in touch with ex-spouse?

[80s]

Just wondering how much contact others have with their exes when it isn't really necessary.
Our children are young adults, both moved out. We broke up 9 years ago, divorce etc. all sorted out, so no need to stay in touch. I mentioned to my bf that I hadn't even seen my ex in at least a year. He thought it was a bit odd that we don't discuss the kids at all - e.g. mentioning when one of us is visiting the kids in their town, or talking about their uni courses. But there's no need for it. This isn't unusual, is it? I'd have thought most people fall out of touch and only see each other at weddings or similar? I'm bit surprised that my bf would expect anything else!

I really really hope not to be in touch with my ex after the divorce and the dcs are grown up.

He's one of the most dishonest, abusive, manipulative people I have ever met.

But I expect there are some people whose relationships just changed and they're able to remain friends.

I co-parent with ex-husband. He has keys to my house, and comes/ goes as he wishes. I lend him money and we exchange gifts. Relationship is long dead in water (romantically), but we have kids together. I think it helps them to see us as being friends of sorts. Of course, there have been rows and disputes over the year between us, but it works for our kids and that is all that matters to me, Some boyfriends have protested over the years, but I have prioritised kids welfare over mankind ego. Any boyfriend trying to enforce rules on how I raise my family, and who I see, hasn't lasted very long tbh.

We don’t share children, but my XH and I text from time to time. Mostly just lighthearted exchanges. Occasionally more serious conversations. Probably on average twice a year. I wouldn’t call us friends by any means, but we have a strong shared history and it is nice to catch up. It’s good to see him having a happy life.

No, no need. We were young and had no kids together, divorce tied any loose ends up, end of. I’d be polite if I recognised him (unlikely!)

we have a family whatsapp group and share stuff, including holiday photos with the kids, visits to see kids, on there

My ex wasn't abusive, aggressive or anything, just behaved quite shittily to me and the kids at the end - but yes, I don't want to be friends with him. But we could, for instance (but don't) message "I'm visiting the kids this weekend, want me to take anything over?" Before, when the kids were at home, we'd discuss whatever was necessary, of course. But I did 99% of parenting, so there wasn't much coordination needed. Maybe that's why it comes so naturally for there to be no contact now.

DH does not keep in any sort of contact with his ex. They have no children, were married less than 12 months most of which time they lived apart and she lied to the police that he had attacked her when at the time it allegedly took place he was actually in Vienna.

God no. If I never saw the prick again it would be too soon. No kids though so that helps.

DP co parents with their ExW. They can spend time together with their child (think bday day out, parents evening etc) and we all spend Xmas morning together. They can get on ok despite being a terribly matched couple when they we're together.

I think it can work, all depends on the relationship

yeah no kids deffo helps for sure.

My mum and dad are on a family WhatsApp group with my siblings and I. They send each other birthday gifts and both were at mine for Christmas this year. They ring each other from time to time and my mum will go and see my dad's mum in her residential home. I really like the fact that they are still friends. They don't see a lot of each other but that is due to my dad being 600 miles away.

They were married for 30 plus years though and had a super amicable split when my siblings and I were all grown up.

I try to be amicable and friendly with my ex husband (who was also at mine for Christmas) as I know my kids enjoy having us all spending time together. Really not sure if it's something I will want to carry on when they are older though. He is a bit of an arse.

I actually see my ex's dad more than my ex - had his dad over for Christmas!
My ex would not have wanted to come.

I was on reasonable terms with my ex.until he died albeit in the early days we “had our moments!”
I believe it helped our offspring to thrive after our separation.
We delayed divorce by a number of years because there were no 3rd parties involved and we’d got everything sorted out financially & honourably between us.
Im glad we did things the way we did. Once the dust had settled we could amicably be with one another but not on a very regular basis. It was OK and worked for us.

No. Don’t think I’d recognise him if I passed him in the street, no idea where he lives, have a vague idea of his current wife’s name.
But I doubt he’d recognise me either.

Only when it's relevant to the children, who are now adults and can see him on their own terms. By the time we divorced we had nothing else in common.

No, nothing at all.

We were together for 20 years so occasionally it seems a it strange, but he cheated and we have no children.

I think you have the right approach

I talk to my exh sometimes, usually about dog handovers but he also asks me for advice, my opinion plus there is kids stuff (adults but they are still your children)

Thinking about my friends and family who are divorced, once the children reach adulthood there's been very little contact if at all, except for graduations and weddings etc. The big change seems to happen once they learn to drive / start to make their own social arrangements. So from my perspective, it's 'normal' to not be in touch.

If my DH saw bumped in to his ex they'd stop and have a friendly chat. There's no bad feelings there. They just aren't on each others' radars.

I think when children are involved it's nice, where it's possible, to maintain at least respect for each where there hasn't been any issues of animosity or abuse.

I was at an 80th dinner a few years ago, and the host had invited his ex-wife / mother of his children (along with their grown-up children, his current partner and other family and friends). He made a speech and thanked her beautifully for the children, and by extension grandchildren, that had brought so much joy into his life.

I'm in the early stages of divorce 3 young children. Given the limited interactions we have even now no I can't imagine having any voluntary non child based communication with him in the future. He feels like a stranger to me even though we were together nearly 20 years. I don't know this 2023 version of him. I wouldn't even class him as a friend. An acquaintance I just happened to have children with. Maybe even a non anonymous sperm donor. The man I married died a long time ago and that's who I miss/grieve for

My ex is honestly my best friend .

And our children are so happy as a result.

This sounds great - if you don't mind me asking, why did you split up?

From a different country with a very different view of marriage than here! No third party, no massive screaming matches, just a distance that grew and grew.

During mediation, we would go for a coffee and chat beforehand! We’ve been on holidays all together and next weekend is my son’s birthday and we are going out for dinner.

I think a big contributing factors is 1. No third party involved and or since non either side and 2. Financially very comfortable so no money spats