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Original poster

Have you stayed in touch with ex-spouse?

53 replies

80s · 02/03/2023 13:08

Just wondering how much contact others have with their exes when it isn't really necessary.
Our children are young adults, both moved out. We broke up 9 years ago, divorce etc. all sorted out, so no need to stay in touch. I mentioned to my bf that I hadn't even seen my ex in at least a year. He thought it was a bit odd that we don't discuss the kids at all - e.g. mentioning when one of us is visiting the kids in their town, or talking about their uni courses. But there's no need for it. This isn't unusual, is it? I'd have thought most people fall out of touch and only see each other at weddings or similar? I'm bit surprised that my bf would expect anything else!

OP posts:
Original poster
80s · 02/03/2023 16:42

@Notadramallama - yes, 20 years together but no kids that might bring you together must be strange. But then again, I will bump into my ex occasionally through the kids, and it's not going to get us in a conversation about the old days or something. I still don't have anyone that I can say "Remember our old cat used to do that?"

Maybe I should suggest an annual ex-family meetup just so I can bring a photo album and talk about the old days! :) He'd probably be horrified if I suggested it.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 02/03/2023 16:44

My kids are young and I’m not even in contact with my ex so no idea why I would be when they are adults !

Nelly10 · 02/03/2023 18:12

isthistheendtakeabreath · 02/03/2023 15:58

I'm in the early stages of divorce 3 young children. Given the limited interactions we have even now no I can't imagine having any voluntary non child based communication with him in the future. He feels like a stranger to me even though we were together nearly 20 years. I don't know this 2023 version of him. I wouldn't even class him as a friend. An acquaintance I just happened to have children with. Maybe even a non anonymous sperm donor. The man I married died a long time ago and that's who I miss/grieve for

Wow same feelings as me then! 5 months in 2 dcs feels like a total stranger to me even now! multiple affairs, very manipulative, basically a horrible person can’t actual believe how he’s turned out its frightening.
I’ll never have a friendly relationship with him ever again. Sad after 20 years but some behaviors are just too horrible.

VanillaSox · 02/03/2023 18:26

Interesting thread. I thought Exh and I would be friends even tho he cheated and behaved badly because I simply don’t care and am now happy.
Things seemed amicable until I got a lawyer (he had one but went apeshit when I got one simply too review the paperwork) which is when he became really horrible. Turned out he had been hiding lots of stuff including supporting a parasite woman and her kids.
I would actually still stay in amicable contact because of our kids but he is bitter beyond belief and also fuelled by her because she is worried about losing the fat wallet he dangled so probably not

Calibrate · 02/03/2023 19:33

XH and I kept in regular contact when the children were younger, but now the DC have grown up contact is sporadic and infrequent. He text me to ask me something regarding family a few weeks ago, and there were a few texts asking after relatives. We are perhaps in contact a couple of times a year, just general chit chat following a "what was the name of auntie D's daughter" type question. We see each other at weddings etc, and pass the time of the day.

Current DH has no contact with his ExW now his children are grown up, but again, we will all chat and pass the time of day at gatherings.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 03/03/2023 08:20

@80s

Yes it's the "remember when" reminiscing conversations I'm starting to miss. We moved away together so only really had each other for nearly 20 years so all my memories involve him. My family despise him now and refuse to even consider that we had a lot of good times so I can't reminisce with them either and I don't like to reminisce with my eldest child as honestly I don't want to fuel any greatest dad in the world thoughts (he isn't)

He didn't cheat - but his reasons for leaving were in many ways more devastating - he decided he regretted having/couldn't cope with/ didn't feel the same about our twins. I wish I could hate him but I pity him instead. Our lives are now moving along totally different paths instead of the journey I thought we'd have together. So much of friendship is borne out of shared experiences and having things in common. I feel like our shared experience are tainted in some way now - and as someone else said the scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes. And I don't think even having children together means we have anything in common. I saw him a few weeks ago at the shops and he could have just been any other stranger I walked past in the street. Sad isn't it.

Original poster
80s · 03/03/2023 08:35

Yes to the "he feels like a stranger" and "our old memories feel tainted" - though I have been trying to see the old times in a positive light as it feels as if otherwise, I'd be writing off decades of my life because of his stupid actions at th end. But I've been digitising old photos from the early 2000s and the feelings are very mixed!

OP posts:
Nelly10 · 03/03/2023 08:43

Yeah it’s a real shame how the whole relationship gets tainted and your reality of it is distorted. I don’t think that will change for me, I’m just focusing on going forward now.

strugglingandstressed · 03/03/2023 08:52

I'm friends with my ex DH and our DC is 15

SunsetStrip · 03/03/2023 09:25

My DH still keeps in touch with his exw, even though sdd is now 24. They obviously had to keep in touch for arranging drop offs and pick ups and talking about their dd. Now they mostly talk around their dd still but also have friendly exchanges. I think it's a really lovely thing. She's a nice lady, I think in the long run it's the best thing for sdd.

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 12:31

I’m so pleased I’m close to my ex for many reasons but a small one is that no one loves your children or is as interested in your children than… the other parent.

Its so nice to have someone to boast freely about how incredible and special our children with someone you know feels exactly the same way!

Mummys · 03/03/2023 14:50

That's lovely @Vegrocks and exactly how my DP and exW are. They both think their child is the most brilliant kid in the world and that works brilliantly for them!

hellies · 03/03/2023 15:07

I'd like to never see or hear from mine again once the divorce is settled, but he occasionally see our child. I'll always try to be civil but I don't wish to be friends or socialise with him.

He was abusive, aggressive and a horrible selfish man. Countless affairs uncovered, and much more.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 03/03/2023 15:35

Vegrocks · 03/03/2023 12:31

I’m so pleased I’m close to my ex for many reasons but a small one is that no one loves your children or is as interested in your children than… the other parent.

Its so nice to have someone to boast freely about how incredible and special our children with someone you know feels exactly the same way!

I'd have loved to have had this as it wouldn't feel like so much of a loss and so lonely. My ex stating his lack of feelings towards my twins has thrown me and now it feels so false me talking to him about what the kids get up to. Because he doesn't love them unconditionally like a father should x

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/03/2023 15:38

Good God no. He did try reeling me in after the divorce (sent a flying monkey to tell me how well he was doing financially, presumably in the hopes that I'd regret binning him) but ignored it. His behaviour in the two years from start to finish wasn't that of a person who'd add anything to my life.

Original poster
80s · 03/03/2023 15:39

It is great that people have such a friendly relationship. Once you've stopped talking, it's hard/weird to start again. But I don't want the kids to be uncomfortable about us being together when it is necessary, and I don't want to feel mean-spirited. Might make a bit more conversation.

OP posts:
Winterisalmostover · 03/03/2023 16:13

I walked into a pub last night and there he was. He subjected me to DV and I was happy to divorce him. Now he's a pathetic person with missing teeth and cancer. I can't stay angry any more so we had a good catch up.

Channellingsophistication · 03/03/2023 19:54

I am in touch with my ex H from time to time. We were married 14 years and had no children, but he cheated and treated me terribly. I’ve moved on though.

It’s strange, though whenever i’ve seen him, familiar, but not familiar. I like to hear from him from time to time to know he’s ok, but I’m not particularly interested in being friends.

magicthree · 03/03/2023 20:31

Vegrocks · 02/03/2023 15:58

My ex is honestly my best friend .

Mine also.

Toomanysquishmallows · 27/11/2023 05:09

@Vegrocks , sadly it’s not always true that a parent is interested in a child , my ex hasn’t seen our daughter for nearly twenty years , the same applies to the rest of his family. She has been raised by me and my new partner.

Fraaahnces · 27/11/2023 06:08

I would reply “Why? We’re not friends.”

TeeBee · 27/11/2023 06:40

I'm still in contact with mine quite regularly. Mainly about the kids (although grown up). I suspect it might reduce when they've both finished uni but we're always there for each other when the shit hits the fan.

GreyCarpet · 27/11/2023 07:36

I stayed in contact with my exh quite amicably when they were younger. As they became older and made plans with him independently, that contact lessened.

Now we rarely have any contact at all. It's a couple of years since we saw each other ad we text rarely and only when we need to. Which isn't often.

We're still amicable and contact will no doubt increase as our youngest prepare to go away to university but he's not my friend so why would I have more contact than that?

Epidote · 27/11/2023 08:05

Sometimes I dream of that day when I can just let the conversation with my ex fade and not talk to him for ages. I don't hold resent is just that I don't feel the need to share any information with him.
I suppose is normal for some of us.

CurlewKate · 27/11/2023 08:24

My brother has two ex wives and manages to keep a cordial relationship with both. Their children are all grown up, but they keep in touch about their grandchildren and family events and so on. I do think it's quite admirable, actually.