Am I being micro aggressive?

[aModernClassic]

So, my husband decided to leave in November. Things weren't great between us, not helped by his narcissistic tendencies and lots of stonewalling when I say something he doesn't like, but I was shocked and devastated, and he pushed for divorce straightaway.

He started a new relationship in December with a women 13 years younger than him and he's having the time of his life - no pets or child to worry about, apart from the one night away, when he has DD. And I'm finding it all very hard.

I try to be civil when I speak to him, but I admit I have argued with him or picked up when he's been late for pick up etc in front of our DD and I do really regret this. He's saying I'm a bully.

For example today, we were talking about finding a volunteering group for our DD to join. I mentioned how I found a website a few years ago listing opportunities that were available. I then said, "like the I wanted to do, but you wouldn't let me". I admit, the role, was slightly high risk, but safe guarding provisions would definitely be put in place.
Anyhow, five minutes after the call, he sent me a text saying,
please could you stop having a dig, like you did just did about me for not letting you do charity work at . It’s micro aggression and you're being a bully.

Am I a bully?

I completely understand you’re right to be annoyed and hurt with him. I think for your sake and dd sake you need to start easing up. Yes feel angry but try to avoid doing it in front of dd. You say things weren’t great so take this chance to work on you and find things that make you feel happy.

I think bringing up stuff from the past isn’t going to get you anywhere. Instead of hounding him out and saying “like you wouldn’t let me” you could have just said, it’s something similar to what you wanted to do in the past. That way you’re avoiding the argument. I know it’s tough and he doesn’t deserve your kindness but be the bigger person and don’t let him find a reason to moan at you!

You're not being a bully - sounds like a bit of DARVO. Do you feel able to only talk to him about things relating to your daughter? I think you know he's a bully, and playing into it won't make you feel better.

If she's volunteering in your time, he doesn't need to know. Have a chat with your daughter on what she'd like to do. Don't let him stop her.

Also, he's using the word micro aggression wrong. It's normally only used for remarks that communicate bad attitudes toward stigmatised/marginalised groups. So unless there's a racist/disablist/etc angle, it's a stupid word to use. Don't tell him that though - just laugh at him.

It hasn’t been that long and your emotions are raw. The type of emotions you will be experiencing are strong ones, anger, hurt and fear, that can bring out bad behaviours. In fact they usually do in combination unless you are a saint.

I don’t think you are a bully. It is just emotion bubbling up and you aren’t able to control it.

My advice would be to withdraw from contact with him to avoid this happening. Maybe suggest a parenting APP like wizard. There isn’t any need to make a big deal about this. Just acknowledge that you feel very emotional, deny the bullying and suggest the app. Doing this means you take back control and put yourself out of his reach.

This gives you distance and you don’t have to confront those feelings in his presence. Do it with friends and make sure to include someone who has a lot of emotional and rational intelligence. At the end of the day you want rid of those emotions, but you have to work through them to a better place. That friend will keep you focused on the better place.

The other thing that it does is you won’t be giving him ammunition which could be used against you. Even if that is just to unsettle you or to make himself more sympathetic in the eyes of others.

BTW don’t suggest these changes. Tell him this is what you intend to do. They aren’t points of debate. If you want no contact except on parenting issues via the app, he must accept that. Otherwise he is the bully.

He's being an absolute dick. He left you in the shit in all sorts of ways. Now he's saying you're meant to pretend everything is rosy in the garden? he should count his lucky stars your aggression is only "micro". remind him that, as he has chosen to no longer be in a relationship with you, he has no entitlement now to how you view him as a person or communicate with him.

It's mildly aggressive, yes, and opening yourself to accusations of bitterness, jealousy etc. - however understandable your feelings are. Might be better to avoid conversation, as he's using your words to make himself look superior to you. Has he in fact been kind, friendly and a delight to communicate with throughout this process?

Yeah it was a bit shitty. The past is done.

Try not to do this in front of dd. It really fucks a kid up as I know from experience.

Channel your anger elsewhere- talk about it, journal, art etc. But be civil and put dd first in front of ex.

I wouldn't call it a micro aggression because that is a 'subtle' dig at someone because of their minoritised status.
However it is a bit hostile. Which is fine because he can fuck off and he doesn't get to tone police you.
He doesn't sound like the right audience for your frustration though- he isn't ever going to see your perspective, I don't think.

I’m going through a divorce and to start with he wouldn’t get a solicitor and kept sending me vile texts and emails. Because I had become so skilled at grey rock I very rarely replied.

Then he got a solicitor and she obviously told him not to send any thing written that could make him look unreasonable. Since then his emails and texts drip with insincere bonhomie.

I know that divorces are no fault these days, but even so you need to take the moral higher ground.

Your feelings are normal and justified, but you need to not let them show. Use friends, family or a therapist to vent.

The fact he sent you a text after a verbal conversation suggests he wants written proof of your ‘micro aggressions’.

My unhelpful take away from your post is like fuck did he 'meet a woman in December'

It's a mix of perspectives,

You're not the only one. It could also explain why he's being so sanctimonious - deflection. But in the end, it doesn't change the advice for OP (and - whisper - might make her more pissed off).

I do t think the fact he ended his marriage mean’s she’s entitled to constantly have a go at him. And I’m not sure why he ended the marriage but the op is clear the marriage wasn’t working .

op, I understand you’re hurt and maybe bitter, but I’d also try to be civil now.

You're understandably hurt and resentful, but for your daughters sake you need to rise above it and be the better person. Being shitty with him in front of your DD at handovers is only damaging her and you.

Stop involving him in the process to look at volunteering opportunities for your dd, if he's only seeing his dd once a week and not taking more of an interaction on her life, and leaving the vast majority of the parenting to you, then make the decision with your dd and then let him know? stop acting like you're still in a relationship with him and move away emotionally from him.

I think you shouldn't have brought it up. You need to step away from him and take control rather than feeling you have to run everything past him

That's not what micro-aggression means

And I agree with PP, he doesn't get to tone police you after being such a dick. It's only been a few months!

I do think you need to 100% refrain from being like this around your DD though, that's not fair to her.

And for your own sake, try to keep contact with him to a minimum, and try to go more grey rock. Not for his sake, because he can fuck off, but for your own sanity.

So, he's allowed to tell you off but you're not allowed to do the same? I mean, sure, referring to his dickish past behaviour IS a bit unnecessary but also totally understandable at this point in your break up. But why is he allowed to have a go at you but you aren't allowed to have a go at him? If he's late to pick up DD and you pull him up on it, does he send yo a text telling you that you're aggressive? And why is THAT okay, but you pointing out he's in the wrong, not okay?

I'd say, avoid any complaining about the past. It's understandable but not helpful. If he's in the wrong in the here and now, feel free to point that out. If he doesn't like it, just ignore him or tell him that you are not being a bully, you are simply pointing out that he is letting down the agreement you've made.

No yiur not
But you are spending FAR too much time talking with him

if the mother fucker only sees her weekly you need minimal!
what Time collect ?
what time drop off ?

hes a twat and he’s out of your life so the less you have of him the better
grey rock
boundaries

you can’t Co parent with a person like this so why even try

he won’t like this and will try and bully you
but stand firm and suggest you cut him on every other channel bar for basic texts

Stop having conversations with him.
Stop any interaction AT ALL that doesn't directly concern arrangements for DD.

He is loving the opportunity to create discord, then blame you for it.
He is issuing 'behaviour corrections' to you as if you are a wayward child, so that he can still feel he is controlling you. So stop giving him the opportunity.

I think it sounds like you’re being a bit snipey/bitter with him. I’d drop it and maybe seek some counselling if you want to work through your feelings.

You’re entitled to feel upset about the divorce but equally he was absolutely entitled to end a marriage he didn’t want to be in. Ending a relationship isn’t a crime.

My ridiculous, wanker of an ex BIL does this to everyone, including ME. I had a long lecture via text just the other day about what I should and should not be doing.

OP - it's pointless engaging. Try not to talk to him beyond the bare minimum as needed for handover. Ignore any instructions he gives you about behaviour and bearing.

Id say no. No, sorry. I cannot stop having a dig at you. Suck it up

I think the take away here is that narcissistic people don't make us feel good. Stop commenting on things when you know he's going to throw them back at you, and stop taking notice of his opinion of you. His opinion is just that. An opinion. You don't have to give it credence, or worry about it.

This is his fault, but you are responsible for sorting out whether to continue to let it bother you/be part of your life.

Exactly what i was thinking

I did wonder if the term was correct, so that's brought a smile to my face.

I do try to avoid unnecessary communication with him. I think I'll make excuses to end calls earlier and if that doesn't work, I'll use the app and do as suggested below.