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Original poster

Am I being micro aggressive?

30 replies

aModernClassic · 02/03/2023 11:02

So, my husband decided to leave in November. Things weren't great between us, not helped by his narcissistic tendencies and lots of stonewalling when I say something he doesn't like, but I was shocked and devastated, and he pushed for divorce straightaway.

He started a new relationship in December with a women 13 years younger than him and he's having the time of his life - no pets or child to worry about, apart from the one night away, when he has DD. And I'm finding it all very hard.

I try to be civil when I speak to him, but I admit I have argued with him or picked up when he's been late for pick up etc in front of our DD and I do really regret this. He's saying I'm a bully.

For example today, we were talking about finding a volunteering group for our DD to join. I mentioned how I found a website a few years ago listing opportunities that were available. I then said, "like the I wanted to do, but you wouldn't let me". I admit, the role, was slightly high risk, but safe guarding provisions would definitely be put in place.
Anyhow, five minutes after the call, he sent me a text saying,
please could you stop having a dig, like you did just did about me for not letting you do charity work at . It’s micro aggression and you're being a bully.

Am I a bully?

OP posts:
Original poster
aModernClassic · 02/03/2023 17:17

WalkingThroughTreacle · 02/03/2023 11:27

He's being an absolute dick. He left you in the shit in all sorts of ways. Now he's saying you're meant to pretend everything is rosy in the garden? he should count his lucky stars your aggression is only "micro". remind him that, as he has chosen to no longer be in a relationship with you, he has no entitlement now to how you view him as a person or communicate with him.

You're spot on. I genuinely think, he thought he could just go and everything would be easy. He'll have a nice new life in the part of town we planned to move to, leave the pets, sex on tap with a women that makes him feel special. And I'd just suck it up.

He did want 50/50 custody of our teen, but she doesn't want to see him more than once a week and he hates that. But he kept telling her how happy is finally is now he's left - what a jerk!

I'll control myself in front of him, as I think he'll be using this against me to his family and solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
aModernClassic · 02/03/2023 17:24

LadyOfTheCanyon · 02/03/2023 12:16

My unhelpful take away from your post is like fuck did he 'meet a woman in December'

My thoughts exactly. Unsurprisingly, they work in the same building.

OP posts:
TessoftheDubonnet · 02/03/2023 17:32

If you want to understand why he does what he does and develop strategies on how to deal with him, this guy has a lot of very interesting talks about narcissists:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/03/2023 17:38

It was a dig (that it sounds like he had fully earned by forbidding you from volunteering at the time - was it affecting his ability to 'work late' or could have led to you advancing in a career rather than being dependent upon him, by any chance?), but not bullying. Bullying is defined as;

  • The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power.

You've not hurt him by pointing out something he had done in the past, you've not got power over him.

However, sometimes there is just no point in saying anything, because it just gives them yet another thing to whine on about.

humancalculator · 02/03/2023 18:04

LemonTT · 02/03/2023 11:23

It hasn’t been that long and your emotions are raw. The type of emotions you will be experiencing are strong ones, anger, hurt and fear, that can bring out bad behaviours. In fact they usually do in combination unless you are a saint.

I don’t think you are a bully. It is just emotion bubbling up and you aren’t able to control it.

My advice would be to withdraw from contact with him to avoid this happening. Maybe suggest a parenting APP like wizard. There isn’t any need to make a big deal about this. Just acknowledge that you feel very emotional, deny the bullying and suggest the app. Doing this means you take back control and put yourself out of his reach.

This gives you distance and you don’t have to confront those feelings in his presence. Do it with friends and make sure to include someone who has a lot of emotional and rational intelligence. At the end of the day you want rid of those emotions, but you have to work through them to a better place. That friend will keep you focused on the better place.

The other thing that it does is you won’t be giving him ammunition which could be used against you. Even if that is just to unsettle you or to make himself more sympathetic in the eyes of others.

BTW don’t suggest these changes. Tell him this is what you intend to do. They aren’t points of debate. If you want no contact except on parenting issues via the app, he must accept that. Otherwise he is the bully.

@LemonTT has it right. It's not great, what you're doing, but it's not bullying. It's not micro, but definitely passive aggressive (verging on just plain aggressive!). Labelling the behaviour doesn't really matter. What matters is limiting contact with him to the maximum extent possible, not letting him police your feelings, but finding a way to express them elsewhere, because you ARE feeling them and it WILL help if you can talk them out in a safe, non-judgemental place. This will protect you and your daughter.

He has hurt you like hell, and your visceral reaction is to want him to hurt to the same degree, that's understandable, but sniping at him (also perfectly understandable!) won't achieve that. Sometimes we have to come to terms with the fact that the people who have wronged us may never feel truly sorry and may never regret their behaviour, and nothing we do will change that. It's tough; I'm sorry.

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