How do you love yourself and look after yourself?

[Violethazeofthenight]

I’ve been pretty sad for the last few years after two quite upsetting relationships. I’ve struggled to get over my last relationship which ended four years ago. And last week I found out he was seeing someone else. It’s brought up all sorts of feelings but I also think it might be what I need to move on and let go.

I want to look after myself and love myself again - as wanky as that sounds. More than that I just want to be happy. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt anything like happy or peaceful or content or even joyous. Most of the time I have a low level baseline of melancholy punctuated with feelings of despair.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact I feel quite lonely and out of kilter with lots of areas of my life.

how do i look after myself? I have no family support and that’s been another area of sadness for me although I try and come to terms with it.

I know there’s the usual stuff of take a bath etc but I already do that and I wonder if there’s more than that? Can I really change things for me?

two things I’ve decided to do today is to:

1. stop smoking. I started a few years ago having never smoked as just a way of self harm and now smoke a pack a day and I could save the money.
2. cut out refined sugar. I did this a few years ago and the benefits were great.

If anyone has any advice, I’d be grateful. I need to make my life more busy and more ‘full’. It’s just too sad and alone at the moment.

Your health comes top of the list as without that, you have nothing.
Good luck with stopping smoking and eating more healthily. Your GP can help with not smoking so don't be shy about asking for help.

Could you volunteer? maybe just a couple of hours now and then? Looking outwards and helping other people is a good way to make new friends and also feel better about yourself. You'll get back far more than you put in. There are lots of volunteer opportunities online - search your local area.

Join some kind of hobby club? Walking, climbing (indoor), tennis, drama clubs, book club, wine tasting, foreign language, etc?

Book yourself a 'treat' each month if you can afford it like a day trip somewhere new, or a mini spa break, go to a gallery or a play/film?

Keep telling yourself that if You don't look after yourself, there's none else who will do it for you.
That's the plain truth of adult independent life.
Whether you are single or in a relationship, with or without children.
Just get on with it!
Yes, you might eat the wrong food one day, etc but, overall, do your best to stay healthy everyday and it becomes a habit. This will make you stay and look healthy long term.
Also, be selfish. Spend time on your own as often as you can without feeling guilty: walk, read, do a hair mask, cook something extravagant just for yourself etc.
You come first.
When you are at your best, you're better equipped to be kind and generous to others. This will make you feel good as well. There's no true altruism, when we do good for others, I'm convinced that part of motivation is because it makes us feel good.

Fantastic ideas from @AIBUNoNo and @Branster

i would add:

make a list of things you’d like to do. They don’t need to be big things. My list includes local walks I’d like to do and restaurants I’d like to try. It’s got some recurring things on like going to art galleries as I can do that every few months. Then start doing the things. Add to the list all the time. Don’t ever expect to finish it. Enjoy the journey.

Physical activity makes you feel good. Don’t just stick to one thing- mix it up. Walks in nature, dancing round the house to upbeat music and yoga are especially helpful if you’re feeling down.

If you want to cut sugar and stop smoking, expect your body to react to begin with. Seek support - podcasts with ideas, Facebook groups , whatever works for you. A plan for a weekend away or something with the money you save from not smoking might give you motivation. Best of luck !

Regular Exercise & Healthy Eating help me to stay healthy & positive https://www.youtube.com/live/bhIGDvajYlE?feature=share

Would you set yourself a goal to give up smoking this year? You can ask for free help from NHS if you are in the UK.

https://www.youtube.com/live/bhIGDvajYlE?feature=share

Plan your meals ahead and always prepare yourself a nice meal as if you had someone else to feed as well. My lifelong happily single auntie would alway thank herself for the lovely meal afterwards.

Op you don't have close family but do you have a support network in the form of friends?

If not I'd suggest taking up a hobby or group sport of interest to you as they often come with a social group.

Agree with developing friendships and a social network. Having strong relationships with other people in your life makes you less susceptible to falling into or staying in crap relationships because a) you don’t search for / stay with a man out of fear of being lonely and b) good friends can be there to tell you when they think the man you’re seeing isn’t good for you.

Also, exercise. Something like weights, which reinforces what your body is capable of when it’s strong - and what you’re capable of when you focus and put energy into something for yourself.

Try new things OP and find what you love even if it’s something you think you would hate. You might surprise yourself. Your life will feel much fuller when you have things to look forward to. Before I tried strength training I assumed I would hate it and only tried it because of a bet but I actually love the feeling you get afterwards. Find your thing you love.

Years ago I listened to a radio interview about mood. The phycologist being interviewed said a bad mood is a habit and habits can be broken. They suggested when you find yourself thinking those negative thoughts stop yourself and refocus your thoughts. It’s okay to think about and acknowledge the negative in our lives but we need to remember to also think about and appreciate the positives in our lives. So perhaps you need to stop focusing on the negatives and acknowledge your successes and strengths.

I think the main thing to recognise is that there's no list of instructions on how to make yourself happy. You have to observe your own feelings. The 'Looking after your health' stuff is general to everybody, but beyond that, the world is yours, and there are no guidelines. You might like running or skydiving or snooker or wild water swimming or chess or cooking or etc etc etc, but you have to be the one to find out.

What do you enjoy?

join meetup.com, go to the gym, run, go to dance classes, cook nice meals

I’ve had to rebuild a lot

practical
ssri , HRT, therapy and exercise
loads of exercise even when I don’t want to

educational
i read a lot of blogs and have (online or Facebook ) support groups for the issues I face - seeing that others have the same really really helps
and realising you are not alone in this

emotional
writing a journal 📔 and learning as i go
nurturing good friendships
letting go of bad ones
learning boundaries

The basics apply to us all

but what do YOU want
what’s your secret dream ?

It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt anything like happy or peaceful or content or even joyous. Most of the time I have a low level baseline of melancholy punctuated with feelings of despair.

It sounds to me like antidepressants and counselling might help - talk to your GP. I've had a similar low feeling after a traumatic relationship situation and Sertraline really helped me to begin to pick myself back up again. It just takes the edge off the sadness and brings the baseline of daily life a bit higher, which means I'm better able to do self care and take action about things.

Is there anything you feel passionate about changing? Climate, injustice, local area.

Do some research and do something about something you care about.

Today in the news, drs are being advised not to issue so many ADs and to refer patients for other types of therapy.

Most people can and do feel like the OP ( the part you quoted) and often it's reactive - emotions linked to break ups, being lonely, not having friends or interests.

Happiness is something most people have to work at to achieve by taking action.

I focus on do's so I don't feel restrictive (but good for you to quit smoking and sugar!!)

Ie. Drink my green smoothie for brekkie, take a multivitamin, have an Epsom salt bath, do a face mask, take a country walk on nice days, sleep 8 hrs, snuggle with my cats, listen to music that makes me cheerful or calm etc 😀

I don’t.

😬😬😬

Hi OP. I hope you’re ok.

can you remember something you really enjoyed as a child?

Someone asked me the same question when I was in a deep hole and it lead me to sea swimming. I’ve also been known to buy myself a pack of plasticine on particularly crap days.

Also. Anti depressants are definitely not for everyone and are a very personal choice. Mine lifted me enough to start moving in the right direction. Enough to notice nice parts of my day and to relate to people again.

Keep posting here if it helps 💐❤️

Good advice on this thread.

I would add-keep your home fresh, pretty and tidy-as if you were expecting someone very important to call-and you are that important person.

Keep your wardrobe and accessories nicely-as if you were the personal maid of a very important person-and you are that important person.

Use your nice things-whether it's stationary, a fish knife, an expensive candle or lovely china-don't save them for company-you are that important person, use them yourself.

Use your bathroom as a beauty salon-keep your towels soft and fluffy-the surfaces gleaming, full of the fragrance you prefer and your toiletries clean, organised and inviting. If you opened your bathroom as a salon, then you would provide this for your clients but you are that important client-treat yourself as one.

When your home and the things in it are your comforting base, the place that underlines how special you are, a place you treat yourself well in, a place that you can look forward to coming back to-no matter what goes on outside in-you can step forth as a woman who knows she deserves care, loveliness and being treated as special because that is how you treat yourself.

I Love this!

Yes, you've given yourself some don't s , i think you need more do s .

Maybe plan a trip or something- I've been saving for a few years towards a big trip i want to do. I'm doing it next summer 😀

If you’re giving up smoking you’ll have oodles of extra cash. One of the nicest and best things I ever did for myself was to join a gym - not a muscle man gym, but a gym in a nice hotel, so it’s very rarely busy. The gym itself is fairly small and the equipment isn’t as fancy as some of the state of the art gyms that are popping up everywhere, but it has a beautiful pool where I swim for at least half an hour 3-4 days a week, a jacuzzi, sauna, and steam room. I can easily spend an hour or two there and always feel really content and relaxed and pampered when I leave. It also has a spa which does great deals (up to 40% off) for treatments during the week. Most of the other members are like me - not 20 year old gym bunnies!

@DumpedinKilburn
Second that brilliant post
I use to save stuff for best -,until my friend said
But you are the Best - use it now :)

ShandaLear

oh i love your gym

and op sometimes you have to force yourself to
do this shit

bit you DO feel better afterwards

Getting your health in order is so important to feel better in yourself. Your health is everything. It'll also vastly improve your mental state. Hit the gym or do some Youtube workouts. Cook healthy nutritious meals. Look after your skin. It'll also make you look better, which again will make you feel better.