How do you love yourself and look after yourself?

[Violethazeofthenight]

I’ve been pretty sad for the last few years after two quite upsetting relationships. I’ve struggled to get over my last relationship which ended four years ago. And last week I found out he was seeing someone else. It’s brought up all sorts of feelings but I also think it might be what I need to move on and let go.

I want to look after myself and love myself again - as wanky as that sounds. More than that I just want to be happy. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt anything like happy or peaceful or content or even joyous. Most of the time I have a low level baseline of melancholy punctuated with feelings of despair.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact I feel quite lonely and out of kilter with lots of areas of my life.

how do i look after myself? I have no family support and that’s been another area of sadness for me although I try and come to terms with it.

I know there’s the usual stuff of take a bath etc but I already do that and I wonder if there’s more than that? Can I really change things for me?

two things I’ve decided to do today is to:

1. stop smoking. I started a few years ago having never smoked as just a way of self harm and now smoke a pack a day and I could save the money.
2. cut out refined sugar. I did this a few years ago and the benefits were great.

If anyone has any advice, I’d be grateful. I need to make my life more busy and more ‘full’. It’s just too sad and alone at the moment.

This is not the only way forward, and doesn't work for everybody every time. It can feel like a lot of pressure, and it's important to recognise that we are not just our bodies, and that it can be very self nurturing to indulge in what you fancy, even if it might not be ideal. The reality is that we are each responsible for ourselves, and recognising that is recognising that we don't have to do everything 'right' all the time. So yes, look after your body, but also understand that Netflix and Minstrels can be a way of loving yourself, as can a bit too much wine and a bloody good laugh with friends, and other things that don't fit in with the 'your body is your mind' trope.

It is very important to take care of your body, but it's not the only thing you need to look after, and sometimes, one way of loving yourself conflicts with others. Knowing what to allow yourself and being comfortable in that knowledge is true self love.

I think this is great too - I really like the bit about using your best stuff - I bought myself a really beautiful thin China mug for my morning coffee when I'm home, and it tastes so lovely out of that!

Also, OP - would you think about having an animal? If you have time resources and the inclination a dog can enrich your life considerably! It has to be exercised,and lots of the time you get into chats or just greetings with other walkers. Or a cat, if you don't want the same commitment as a dog. Good luck with the giving up smoking!

Music always lifts me.
Do you like singing? What about something like Rock Choir? It's very welcoming and an opportunity to meet new friends

Joining a gym and having a PT has really helped me - I love how strong my body is becoming through lifting weights and it gives me a boost in the mornings when I’ve been. On non gym days I do an at home indoor walk from you tube - it’s made a huge difference to my mental health.

You don't mention work in your post. What do you do? What fills your day?

I second joining a choir. I heard something recently about what we’d lost now that church is not a central part of people’s lives, and it talked about the joint power of singing together and community. I think singing can really lift you.

Also, this is a bit silly, but sometimes I channel a completely different persona to get me out of a rut. So I pick a couple of adjectives like energetic and witty, or serene and glamorous, then I go about my day being that person. How does an energetic witty person go about the washing up? How does a serene glamorous person do it? I think it’s probably a less dull form of mindfulness, as you need to pay attention to yourself and how you react to things and it makes you challenge the way you approach things.

David Burns MD says this in his book Feeling Good - about depression and how to deal with it. Pretty much, it's treat yourself as you would treat an honoured guest.

I love this and this thinking helped me through a particularly bad break up.

I was listening to the radio the other day and someone was saying something about enjoying life and trying to put the fun back into it as a single person (although of course this could apply to anyone) - she advised to look back on your childhood and think about the things you enjoyed then, these same things will very often spark joy in the 'grown up' you.

I think it's a bit much to quit smoking and sugar at the same time. Wouldn't it be more realistic to do one at a time?

All these housework things would not work for me either, unless I actually had people coming around.

I think you're best bet is more socialising as long as you like that so joining meetup or getting in touch with friends you haven't seen for a while.

Journaling works for me. As does colouring. I also study in college. Could you do a course? Fitness helps I find even if it’s cycling on my own. If your lonely I would consider joining a group exercise class, or book group, singing etc. Also make a plan how you want your life to be in 5 years and start to make little steps.

"that it can be very self nurturing to indulge in what you fancy, even if it might not be ideal."

Yes. At one point I decided to replace my daily chocolate drink with a green matcha thing and then I asked myself who would I give up the best part of my day so I've kept my daily treat.