Is this passive aggression or something else and why does he behave this way?

[Pleasehelpnow]

My husband had awful news about a relative yesterday and spent hours in hospital with them. Very upset, crying before he left and we had very little information. Things are already very difficult - I have cancer and am currently receiving chemo. I had a bad day in terms of side effects yesterday and, due to a hospital appointment on the afternoon, I didn't see him until late evening, after he'd finished work. I'd been waiting all day for an update, worried about what was going on.

When he got home, he didn't come upstairs to see me. He walked past our bedroom door to see our son and then went back downstairs. I find this confusing and strange. If my husband was in this situation, my priority upon coming home would be to check on him and speak to him. He didn't see me for 45 minutes until he had to enter the room to collect something. I asked how relative was and he said "I don't know, I'm still waiting to hear" in a stroppy tone, then started walking out of the room. I asked what he meant and he said "exactly what I said" as he walked down the stairs.

He didn't come back into the room or explain anything. The way he'd said "I don't know" was as though I was an idiot for asking or had been harassing him or something. I could hear him cleaning and tidying up downstairs. I often feel that he loudly cleans to punish me and show me that he's so busy and stressed and doesn't have time for me but I have no idea what for. He would say that he doesn't do that and the cleaning just needs doing.

I eventually got out of bed and went downstairs to find out what was going on. He gave me the same initial response but then did fill me in. I don't know why he chose to interpret my normal question as expecting him to be a medical expert and have all the answers. I just wondered how relative was, how he was, what had been happening all day. It seems intentional so he can be arsey with me.

Things are hard at the moment and he doesn't deal well with stress at all. minor things stress him quite easily and this is all much bigger stuff. When I asked him why he acted like that, he said he hadn't acted like anything and was just busy tidying up. I would never think that washing up etc was more important than greeting my spouse, checking how they are it filling them in on a situation they've been worrying about all day. I don't understand it. Is this passive aggression or what? He is adamant that be wasn't being off with me but it left me confused and wondering if I'd done something wrong.

To be honest, it sounds like they had a crap day and just wanted to hug their child and chill.

If youve been having problems, perhaps he didn't want to risk having more, or perhaps didn't want to speak about his relative until he was in the right mindset?

I understand why you're hurt but perhaps it's worth giving him a break on this occasion

You've said yourself he doesn't deal with stress well. It sounds like he didn't know how to cope with the stress of someone else he cares about not being well. He has taken it out on you by the sounds of it. But the same time, it's probably not because of anything you've done.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think he could have provided an update for you.

For me personally, when my mum was poorly, I didn't really like talking about it at all. Thinking back, I used to be a bit off with my poor DH as I didn't want him asking questions. Maybe it's just because he's stressed.

Sorry to hear you're going through chemo at the moment. I know it's tough.

Sometimes things happen to a person that happens to them alone and how they are feeling, it is not always about someone else

Was it you who had a hospital appointment yesterday and he didn’t ask how you are? How does he usually react when you are in bed when he comes home, how does he usually cope with your illness? Maybe that could shed some light onto whether he is generally an arsehole or whether this was a one off where he was just too overwhelmed yesterday.

You said he was very upset was he expecting you to be up waiting for him to ask him how he was?

It sounds like you are in a really difficult time. It might be that despite your illness, yesterday was about him and his feelings about his relative. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about your tough day, it just means that he couldn’t process more than he already had.

Yes he was probably a bit of an arse about it, and may not have realised what he was feeling, but it sounds like you both need a bit of TLC.

When someone you love has cancer it can feel like you don’t have a right to be upset about something else around them. You are both having a shit time and are pulling apart instead of together.

he’s not wrong to get on with cleaning if it needed doing. Even if there’s no way you or your child could have done it today, I’d still feel fed up that I had to do it after a day in the hospital. Sometimes life sucks but that doesn’t mean the frustration is aimed at you. It can be frustration at the situation. And you’re all justified in feeling that.

I did think that but I just don't know. It's not a one off. I feel like I'm regularly punished for things I don't understand. I pretty much give him a break on every occasion or try to convince myself that he probably did just need to wash up, but I can't ignore that I know deep down that it's designed to make me feel uncomfortable. It's so hard to articulate. I've started reacting to it now instead of walking on eggshells and trying to figure out what I've done wrong. He did once, years ago, admit that he did passive aggressive cleaning around me to 'make a point' but he's never admitted it since. I'm so confused by it all. I know yesterday was a bad day but I don't know why moods about things are always directed at me.

Sounds like he had a lot on his plate and just couldn’t fit one more worrying thing in - the you being sick from chemo.

It’s not a nice thing he did, but sometimes people can get overwhelmed.

The question is, if you really needed practical help that day, would he for example have fetched the medicine, or fetched a sick bucket or whatever else you may have needed that you would find difficult to do for yourself?

I would send him for a chat with whatever support services you are receiving for your cancer… sometimes the toll on a partner can be equal to or perhaps even worse than for the patient in a psychological sense.

I’m not excusing him, just offering explanations.

It comes across more as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with their feelings, than passive aggression. Would he consider therapy to deal with his stress?

I'm guessing it's a stress reaction OP. I'm assuming that washing up and cleaning hadn't been done because you're ill yourself. If he got home from work late evening, tired and already upset due to his ill relative, and was faced with cleaning and washing up and no-one to greet him, then he was probably irritated and he took it out on you. I don't know how poorly you are but would it have been possible for you to go down and see how he was when he arrived home, instead of waiting for him to come to your room?

My DH is ill with cancer (palliative care) and it's incredibly hard at times being a carer. I probably talk to him on occasions in an irritated tone, as I feel like the maid sometimes and have my own health problems that are overlooked.

In my case there's no let up or release, and the irritation isn't intended, hopefully his isn't either.

I agree he sounds over whelmed. Is he doing a lot more than usual around the house as you’re unwell? I’d say he’s almost certainly banging around on purpose. Is washing up his job? I know I hate it when I come home from work and my ex has cooked for the kids and there’s dirty plates, pots and pans everywhere. I wash as I go so isn’t a ton to do afterwards but he doesn’t. So maybe the washing up put him in a bad mood. Doesn’t excuse him coming in to see how you are when you’re going through chemo, but I expect he’s more overwhelmed with everything than not caring. But of course you know him better than we do.

Did he ever say what the point he was making was? I think you may have your answer there.

Rightly or wrongly if I came home to a mess I would think the people home are able to make the mess they should be able to clean up afterwards

I know I am guilty of angry cleaning sometimes! It’s normally when I am stressed and things are getting on top of me anyway, and then I walk in the door and something messy just tips me over the edge and I do a bit of a cleaning blitz as an outlet for my nervous/overwhelmed energy.

I looked after for my dh when he had cancer and I am ashamed to say there were days that I came home and didn’t want to open the bedroom door. I was just scared that maybe he’d had a bad day or there was some new symptom to worry about. It wasn’t his fault, I didn’t blame him, but it’s so hard to watch the one you love be taken apart by chemo.

The other thing I would say is 45 mins feels a long time for you, who had been waiting for company, but isn’t a long time for someone who has been running around all day and walks in the house and sees a bunch of jobs that need doing.

I would say he’s super stressed and feels everything is on his shoulders. Can you get a cleaner to help with the house? Can anyone else come and keep you company sometimes?

It is so hard, I know. Good luck.

I did have a previous thread under this name which probably explains a little more. We had a horrible, awful discussion after the advice I got here and things did improve. The main revelation of that discussion is that I am the one who does all of the emotional lifting and coping in this relationship and I am basically his entire support system. He has no way of dealing with things other than me dealing with them for him and making everything ok. I stressed that this needed to change and he has made some changes. I think the person who said not passive aggeession but a person who can't deal with his emotions probably has it spot on. I practically begged him to go to therapy and have done a few times over the years. It's always been a flat no and refusal to talk but he eventually said he would consider it if making some other changes wasn't helpful.

I didn't want him to come and nurse me and I didn't need anything, I was just worried about our relative and had been expecting to find out what was happening. I also wouldn't come home and not greet him, I just think it's rude. He used to do things like that quite regularly - would go to work without saying bye so I wouldn't know he'd left. And he always claimed that he was just innocently going to work but I know it was done on purpose. He has stopped doing it these days. I had tried to call and sent a text when I realised I wouldn't see him before work but he ignored them. Regarding the cleaning and tidying... I'm quite sure there wasn't much to do. He was finding things to do and acting stroppy over it because that's what he does. He'd been fine when he'd left and reassured me that there was nothing i needed to do and i could take it easy, but I has actually managed to so some stuff. So the laundry was sorted, I know he hates doing it and it meant one less job when he got home. My parents had been here looking after us so he had a meal ready when he walked through the door, my mum had washed up but I think a couple of things she just didn't have time for, she often does a little tidy and they'd done the kids bedtime. He works 10 hours part time so the housework has always been mostly his responsibility, as I work full time. Obviously not now, but I do still go to work when I'm feeling better.

I just don't understand it. It hurts me every time he does it because it's as though contempt for me must sit very close to the surface and as soon as something goes wrong, it shows. I feel that we are a team and always try to give him the benefit of the doubt, not jump to the worst possible conclusions about him, figure out how things can be dealt with together but as soon as something goes wrong for him it feels like I'm treated as the enemy.

We had a huge shouting row a few weeks ago over voile curtains. It was so ridiculous. I have been meaning to get some for a while - we have none and I feel as though there is no privacy in the bedrooms because of it. He said he'd rather not have any but I said I was a bit tired of feeling exposed and he agreed he would drive us to get some. To be honest, I mostly wanted to tick a small thing off a list and feel like I'd achieved something. It was also a reason to briefly leave the house before I got too ill to go out. He barely spoke to me in the car and was driving like an idiot which scared me. I kept asking what was wrong and he was adamant that nothing was wrong, but clearly something was. I was feeling very uncomfortable, trying to figure out why he was acting like that. I kept asking if it was because he didn't want voile curtains and he said no. When we got to the shop he stormed off out of the car and walked into the shop without me. He knew that I couldn't walk very well unsupported and didnt even turn around to look at me. I was feeling so uncomfortable and upset by this point that I just got back in the car. He was really angry with me, phoned me asking what the fuck I was doing and then drove us like an idiot back home, really angry. I was so upset and angry I shouted at the top of my voice about how he was treating me. It turned out he didn't want voile curtains and didn't want to go to the shops, but instead of saying that, he just decided to punish me. I even asked outright if he was behaving like this because he didn't want voile curtains and he'd said no. If i really hadn't wanted voile curtains, I would have made that clear. If I really didn't want to go to the shops, I would have made that clear. I wouldn't angrily drive and give him the silent treatment and make him wonder what he's done wrong. I was particularly upset by him storming off because I know he hasn't physically hurt me, but the result of that is that I would physically struggle on my own. I felt embarrassed that people could see him treating me like that. He was apologetic when we got home and I pointed out that he refused to tell me what was wrong and lied when I asked if it was because of the curtains. It's all so minor and silly but it gave me the same feeling. I don't know if any of that makes any sense.

I can't remember what other things I haven't responded to but I don't know how to keep dealing with this. Getting ill has made me less tolerant of it and I'm sick of the eggshell feeling and the worry in my stomach of what mood he will be in when he comes home. I actually feel relief when he's in a good mood, which is most of the time to be fair to him. I don't know if I'm overreacting to it or I should just be able to ignore his moods and not feel uncomfortable. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should and making things about me which aren't.

If you were that worried about his relative, I don’t understand why you didn’t go downstairs to greet him.

Yeah 45 minutes was a long time to me but he wasn't cleaning that whole time, he was eating his tea and stuff. So I thought maybe he just wanted to eat tea and sit down before he came and told me. But it wasn't just 45 minutes, it was 45 minutes before he popped into the room and

Sorry, accidentally posted.

It was 45 minutes before he popped in and told me nothing. He then didn't see me again for another hour until I went downstairs to find out what was going on. He was watching football when i went downstairs. He claims he was going to come and talk to me but i don't think he had any intention of doing so. Or was going to make me wait for hours for some reason. It definitely felt like it was being done intentionally.

I was waiting for my pain relief to kick in/generally very tired etc. I hadn't been in bed all day yesterday, it had actually started quite well and I had got up with the kids in the morning and sorted breakfast and things but had started to feel worse as the day went on. Then I developed quite bad diarrhoea which also causes back spasms. I have also had extreme piles and an anal fissure for most of my chemo treatment which can be so painful that I have to lie down and wait for it to calm down again. My digestive system is inflamed and raw and I sort of pass undigested food which feels like acid. I'd been up there for a while and did come down when I felt able. He'd been upstairs multiple times within that time frame and even had a game of darts with my teenager in his bedroom. Forgot to mention that!

He should be keeping stress to a minimum to help you get through cancer and chemo… punishing should never ever come into it!

Once contempt has entered a relationship, you have reached a place of harm and destruction.

For you, you have punishments and public humiliation on top, while you’re going through cancer treatment.

I am furious on your behalf!

You have to STOP him causing you stress, one way or another, your health depends upon it.

Would you get adequate support in his absence?

I am going through chemo and have just ended an emotionally abusive relationship. I ended it for reasons that are not as severe as your examples. I ended it because I wanted to give myself the best chance of survival without added stress and punishments and sick little games.

I live alone, my dad comes and helps with food the first days after chemo… the rest of the time I manange on my own and spend time with friends the days I am well enough. I am also dating again.

All these distractions work very well. I don’t miss my partner at all! I was extremely upset the first days following the split, but now I am enjoying the peace and wondering why I put up with BS for so long.

When one door closes, others open.

Please use ALL of the cancer support services available at your hospital, and get in touch with local charities who offer support, too.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and he is making things worse!
It can and WILL get better. You will get through this. Please keep posting here for support. We will be here to respond night and day. Huge hug for you! 💐

How awful! I’m so sorry!

It is imperative you try to drink 3 litres of water a day, this will help to keep your stools loose. Sip little and often all day and evening. Keep a big bottle of mineral water next to you - the taste goes down easier, Also eat the fruits you prefer, again will be easier to digest and keep the constipation under control.

Water performs miracles!

And the stress won’t be helping your digestive system.

Have you seen a Dietician yet? It sounds like you are in extreme need of this, ask for a referral as soon as possible.

Does your hospital offer relation techniques and massages etc? Sometimes there are charities attached to the hospital that offer this. Have you contacted any charities directly to see what free support is available?

Thank you, those are such lovely messages. I am keeping my water intake up and the diarrhoea has mostly been under control, but randomly appeared again yesterday. My doctor has given me stool softeners and laxatives and things but I don't really need them because it's too soft if anything. I'm back out of bed again today so guessing it was a one off. I had mild IBS before i started treatment so it was always going to be a bit difficult. My doctor is aware of the issues and just tells me to keep eating healthy foods, use pile creams etc and seems reluctant to change things up too much. It was probably something I ate which caused it yesterday and thankfully the undigested food only happens infrequently. I'm sorry to hear you are also going through chemo. It can be tough.

I don't think he is emotionally abusive at all and maybe the word contempt was too strong. Maybe that's how I'm interpreting things but not how he actually feels. He just has no way of dealing with stress or emotions and then acts like this. I don't know whether I'm also too oversensitive to his moods and should be able to ignore them more. I've made him sound like a monster and he's not. He really did take on board what I said after my first Mumsnet thread and has tried to get some better ways of coping. Perhaps I should have just left it and waited until today, or maybe he really was going to come and fill me in at some point. He has looked after me very well.

And with the voiles - he did say he didn't want them but I didn't take it seriously. I then put forward my case for having them and he went along with it but I think he felt he couldn't disagree with me. I think he just felt that I was causing him more jobs around the house. Which I can understand and i just wish he would say these things instead of saying nothing and acting off with me instead. I'm all mixed up. I was particularly upset by him refusing to acknowledge that he was being off with me and answering 'no' when i asked if it was because of the voiles. I might be making too much of it but it makes me feel like he's accusing me of imagining it all when he knows I'm not and then lying when I'm trying to solve the problem. But I guess when people are annoyed, they don't just decide to calmly discuss that, they sometimes act irrationally. And he did apologise and said he was out of order to act the way he did. He was very frustrated. Maybe I was just riding roughshod over his voile opinions and should have listened and taken him seriously when he said he didn't want them.

From your recent post it is clear your husband has utter contempt for you. It wasn't about the curtains! It sounds like he despises you. Where is the care and love?

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation while you are so sick. Do you really want to stay with someone like this?

All I had to read was “it hurts me every time he does it.”
OP, listen to yourself. You don’t need to know the root of it - all you need to know is that it hurts you.

and you, going through chemo, fighting a battle for your health - you need nurturing and support, not this kind of crap.

I am so sorry.

No he's in a mood again now and i don't know how much I am to blame for how I react to things!

I've done the breakfast but been sat on the sofa. He came downstairs and I was hoping things would be ok but he was muttering stuff to himself and slamming. It made me feel worried abain so I went in to see what is going on. He claims nothing, he wasn't slamming and was just talking to himself. But then I didn't leave it, I kept pushing and asking what was wrong because it makes me feel so horrible inside that I want it to be resolved and maybe that is an overreaction to him being a bit grumpy and i should just leave it. Trying to force him to answer isn't exactly going to make things better in the moment.

But I asked 'did somebody leave things on the breakfast table and you had to put them away' and he said yes. I just don't know if I'm overreacting to some being a bit moody about tidying up the breakfast things but then I said "well why not just say that then". I can't remember what else was said. From my side I feel like I'm trying to 'fix' a problem but I imagine to him it feels like I am going on and on. But I can hear the banging from the other room and it makes me feel so unsettled and weirdly guilty because i don't know why he'd be doing it if it wasn't meant for me to hear. He asked why I'm being such an arse and I said that all I'd done was ask why he was banging around and what he was saying. He said he was sick of dealing with me. But he was banging around before wed even spoken.

We had a bit of an argument last night, basically the same themes and maybe I should learn to just leave things but I don't know how. It makes me nervous when I think there's something wrong and my heart starts pounding. He called me an arse and then I said that he was one and I'm fed up of living with a sullen teenager. And I really shouldn't have said that when he'd had such an awful day. But now this will be completely unresolved unless I resolve it. I feel like we just go round and round and I'm sure from his point of view i am doing things wrong too, but I don't know what that is because he doesn't outright tell me.

I'm getting bogged down and feel like a kid telling tales. I can't figure out what is a major problem and what is just a small thing i should stop obsessing over.