Is this passive aggression or something else and why does he behave this way?

[Pleasehelpnow]

My husband had awful news about a relative yesterday and spent hours in hospital with them. Very upset, crying before he left and we had very little information. Things are already very difficult - I have cancer and am currently receiving chemo. I had a bad day in terms of side effects yesterday and, due to a hospital appointment on the afternoon, I didn't see him until late evening, after he'd finished work. I'd been waiting all day for an update, worried about what was going on.

When he got home, he didn't come upstairs to see me. He walked past our bedroom door to see our son and then went back downstairs. I find this confusing and strange. If my husband was in this situation, my priority upon coming home would be to check on him and speak to him. He didn't see me for 45 minutes until he had to enter the room to collect something. I asked how relative was and he said "I don't know, I'm still waiting to hear" in a stroppy tone, then started walking out of the room. I asked what he meant and he said "exactly what I said" as he walked down the stairs.

He didn't come back into the room or explain anything. The way he'd said "I don't know" was as though I was an idiot for asking or had been harassing him or something. I could hear him cleaning and tidying up downstairs. I often feel that he loudly cleans to punish me and show me that he's so busy and stressed and doesn't have time for me but I have no idea what for. He would say that he doesn't do that and the cleaning just needs doing.

I eventually got out of bed and went downstairs to find out what was going on. He gave me the same initial response but then did fill me in. I don't know why he chose to interpret my normal question as expecting him to be a medical expert and have all the answers. I just wondered how relative was, how he was, what had been happening all day. It seems intentional so he can be arsey with me.

Things are hard at the moment and he doesn't deal well with stress at all. minor things stress him quite easily and this is all much bigger stuff. When I asked him why he acted like that, he said he hadn't acted like anything and was just busy tidying up. I would never think that washing up etc was more important than greeting my spouse, checking how they are it filling them in on a situation they've been worrying about all day. I don't understand it. Is this passive aggression or what? He is adamant that be wasn't being off with me but it left me confused and wondering if I'd done something wrong.

It sounds to me like he resents doing the housework, even if he never says so…it’s very common with men, they feel emasculated or something.
And if he only works ten hours, it sounds like you are/were the main breadwinner, and will be again when you are well.

He may see these as power and status imbalances in the relationship… the fact he want along with the curtains even though he hated the idea points to the fact he feels he can’t use his voice and thus is a bit powerless. His historical issues it sounds like.

When men are in relationships when the traditional roles have been swapped a bit… these relationships are very often problematic.

Do you know the incidence of partner violence goes through the roof in relationships where the woman is the higher earner?

There may not be violence here, but there is certainly resentment. And if you felt contempt from him, you should listen to your instincts. And from your description, I would absolutely classify those curtains incident as not only contempt, but emotional abuse of a sick cancer patient going through chemo. It may not seem awful to you, but from an objective point of you, it’s really nasty disgusting behaviour.

No I don't think he feels emasculated at all, he's nothing like that. I think it's just stress reactions and to be honest, different ideas of an acceptable level of mess. Not only have I been ill but our house was also mid renovation and he's almost single handedly decorated 4 rooms as quickly as he can to make things comfortable for me. He's run himself into the ground and been very stressed.

He was the sole earner for many years and I didn't work. He basically paid for me to retrain, paid for me to have driving lessons etc to get us into a better financial position. He did a lot more overtime before I got ill and we've always treated all money as joint, we don't consider who earns what. I think it all just feels like a slog to him and then coming downstairs to find bowls on the table when the kids are supposed to sort their own was just annoying. He is obviously worried about his relative.

In that situation, would other people ignore the banging about and just accept that their partner was in a bad mood or would they 'investigate' and feel nervous about it? I can't tell whether I need to stop interfering and just let him be in a mood without trying to fix it sometimes.

You said it yourself, you heard him banging and muttering under his breath because he wanted you, too. Your heart was pounding and you were in a state of anxiety.

What do you think emotional abuse looks like? You are already experiencing a very severe form, but don’t seem to realise.

You are second guessing yourself because he is gaslighting you.

Your perceptions are REAL, they don’t have to be confirmed by him.

One of the classic abuser phrases is “are you going to believe me or your lying eyes/ears”. You have reached the stage you are doubting yourself. This is another hallmark of emotional abuse.

You have been given your senses so you can perceive reality and draw your own conclusions. Trust in your clarity of thoughts. You have expressed yourself extremely clearly here.

He may have every reasons to behave as he does, for example lacking emotional maturity… it does not excuse the fact he is mistreating you badly when you are at your most ill and vulnerable time.

Think of it as mistreatment if you don’t like the words emotional abuse (which it is).

Some people behave extremely badly when they are I’ll and punish others… have you done so? Why not? Because you made the choice to try to learn to behave as a mature grown up. He has the same choices, and make no mistake, he knows he is punishing you, and is still making that choice.

Think about that a while.

That does put things in a slightly different light.

Does he get much time to take a breath on his own and chill?

Maybe there is just far too much going on to him and he hasn’t had a moment’s peace. Do you leave him with some quiet time for himself?

You poor woman.

His behaviour is so awful.

Of course he is stressed but that does not excuse him mistreating you.

I absolutely think he is abusing a very sick woman.

Some men simply cannot stand illness in others.

Their lack of empathy and basic selfishness cannot bear that someone needs support and help.

This is so bad for your health.

Can you call Womens aid for a listening ear and also speak to the health professionals that you are seeing.

Could you stay with your parents?

Could he move out and stay elsewhere while your parents move in?

He clearly doesn't want to be around you or the home, so can he leave?

Driving dangerously and verbally abusing you is so dreadful.

I suspect the boiling frog analogy applies here.

This behaviour has gone on for so long that you are not aware of just how dreadful it is.

He is not a good man.

He is one of those men who finds illness in their wife a huge inconvenience for THEM.

They cannot contain their anger and contempt.

Either way he is a bully that is mistreating and abusing a cancer patient.

Please reach out for support.
Tell your parents the truth.

I feel so so sorry for you.

I don't think he's verbally abusing me and I think I'd give as good as I'd get! He claims that I swore at him last night before he called me an arse but i don't remember doing that. As far as I remember, I just repeated it back to him more angrily and then said the sullen teenager. Probably swore when I said it too.

He does get time alone, he is home alone when the kids are at school and I'm at work. I also go to bed quite early and he plays video games at night which he really enjoys. I've been strongly encouraging him to go out with friends and have had to force the issue but he has done it a couple of times. I also told him he has to take up a hobby. He was investigating that but it has fallen by the wayside for now because he's going to be made redundant and is worried that we now can't afford it. I think we can and it is a good use of money. But the redundancy is another stress.

I've spoken to him again and he's said what I thought, that he just felt annoyed this morning and me coming in 'investigating' just inflamed things and was unnecessary. That I basically go on and on and if I just left it it wouldn't be such a big deal. That is probably true, but I don't know how normal it is to get that annoyed about things that regularly and for it to affect everyone else, and then I'm basically not allowed to bring it up or mention it? He seems to think I'm looking for an argument when I do that, but that's not my intention. I'm trying to help him solve whatever is annoying him because the atmosphere is making me feel so uncomfortable. And then he refuses to acknowledge that he's even causing an atmosphere and I get annoyed and frustrated.

He is very stressed out by mess, which I suppose you can't control. But his priorities seem all weird and wrong to me. For example, he spent this Saturday painting areas of the living room, but it was only three days after my chemo and our youngest was here, also in the living room. So he was very stresed out. But I don't know why he couldn't wait until a weekday, when i would be feeling a bit better and the kids are at school so he can get on with it more easily. He was decorating the bathroom when I was in hospital with sepsis! So he was rushing around visiting me, dealing with the kids, going to work and doing the bathroom. That seems crazy to me but he kept saying it needed to be done and the sooner it was done, the better so that he wouldn't feel so stressed out by the mess. He did also say that it was giving him something to focus on, but it seemed to be simultaneously a source of stress and something to take his mind off things? But then when I asked him to do something or bring something for me, he was getting annoyed because he was so busy and stressed. I don't understand it. He honestly puts a lot our issues down to mess in the house and we're never going to have the same opinion of what level of mess is acceptable. I have made changes because I can see that it isn't fair to make him live in an environment which makes him feel bad but while I'm ill it's not always so feasible. I used to always have a floordrobe, now I make sure to put things away. But I don't think I'll ever be to the standard that he is happy with because I don't think any family home could be at the level he wants. When I see other people's houses, ours doesn't seem unusual.

I don't really believe that I am being emotionally abused. I do recognise that the level to which I worry about his reactions to things is not healthy, and i do try to prime the kids sometimes if I think he'll be in a bad mood but maybe that's more that i can't tolerate anything negative than that his reactions are so bad. It might be a bit of both. If you knew us, you'd laugh at the idea that I am emotionally abusing him. I think when he says I'm going on and on, he feels brown beaten. I can articulate things much better than him and kind of 'win' arguments, but i think that doesn't always mean that I am right, just that I can argue my case more convincingly. I worry sometimes that I basically railroad him I to things. But even then, I think that if I'd 'forced' him to get the voiles, his reaction was still not ok. But this is the sort of thing I was referring to when I said that relationship counselling would be good because I don't think we really understand the other person's perspective. That's a definite no go though. I feel like a dick saying all of that to him when we have so much going on and he is worried about our relative.

An interesting thing was that I said i feel like my life is great when he is in a good mood, the world is good, I'm happy, everything is good. And he is mostly in a good mood. But i get so worried about the moods and the atmosphere that I sort of walk on eggshells and try to fix things so that the good mood will stay. Maybe that's more of a problem with me than him.

There is resentment about housework though. He admitted he was annoyed that somebody left bowls on the table. I asked whether he thought I should have put them away. He said no, and that I should have made the kids put them away, but I wasn't in the kitchen. I made them breakfast and then lay on the sofa because i was in a bit of pain. So my point of view of that is that i had got up, allowed him to have a lie in and sorted breakfast even though i wasn't feeling great. He then gets up and doesn't see that, but sees that bowls have been left on the table for him to deal with like the family lackey. I hear the mood going on and feel guilty, he says it's not aimed at me and the whole world doesn't revolve around me. But if I was feeling well I would have dealt with the bowls to avoid the mood. And i don't think a few bowls on the table is something worth banging cupboards in the kitchen and angrily saying things about.

I asked what a more fair distribution of chores would be and he has no answer. When I wasn't ill, I would work 40 hours and he would work 10 or choose to do overtime if he wanted. He would work there evenings a week, and I changed my hours so that I could get back and he could have the car. So that meant that three days a week I would start work at 8am, then come home and do all of the cooking, dealing with kids etc by myself. I often wouldn't sit down until after he'd got home from work. The other two evenings he would cook. He does all of the laundry and food shopping and cleaning. But he still had more free time than me because he has all day every day when the kids are at school and I basically had no time to myself at all. He then points out that he did more when i didn't work, but I don't think it's true. He didn't even know how to use the washing machine. He never did any actual cleaning, such as the kitchen or bathroom, or mopping the floors. He would occasionally vacuum or tidy up. Perhaps he did do a bit more than me, I'm not sure. Never did any dusting. He cooked and did a bedtime if he was here. And the big difference is that I had a baby or toddler at home too, so it's a bit different. So he says that he is fed up with being the one who has to do everything, but I don't really know what else could happen other than me taking on even more (ignoring the cancer for the moment, and assuming that everything goes back to normal). He won't consider a cleaner. It's nothing to do with it being emasculating, I think he just feels put upon and taken for granted. But then he chooses to do these extra things on top when they're not important. And if we look at it as a free time issue, he gets many times what I do because there is no way cleaning the house and shopping take 30 hours a week.

Everything is fine as long as everything is fine. As long as things are running smoothly, he's happy. But the moment that something goes wrong, it's too much.

A couple of weeks ago I had another small procedure which was a bit painful. He had been off with me because he was stressed and I'd asked him to take me because I thought it would hurt to drive myself home. He was just being moody on the way there and I cried in the waiting room because I felt so alone and unloved and like I was a burden. He was so moody when we got back because he had decorating to do and then had to go out and do something. I felt so uncomfortable with the mood that i continued decorating while he was out. He was quite guilty when he came home and found me doing it. I explained to him that I would rather just deal with things myself, even if it hurt me, than deal with his moods. He apologised that his behaviour had essentially guilted me into pushing myself too far.

So he can say all he likes that his moods aren't aimed at me, that the world doesn't revolve around me, but the reality is that I change my behaviour and do things i shouldn't have to do in order to avoid his moods and that isn't normal. I can't tell which of us is the abnormal one in that situation. I don't know whether I ought to be better at ignoring it and pretending it's not happening but it really affects how i feel.

He basically sounds exactly like my husband. I have been married to him for over 20 years and this behaviour has become normal to me. However, he only does this now and again, I'm not ill and have been researching his behaviour for 4 years now. Please read the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza, It was eye opening. Your are being emotionally abused. and this will help you identify it. Another book i feel is useful is Boundaries in a Marriage by Henry Cloud..it will help to stop his constant gaslighting. Which he IS doing. I cannot make my mind up whether to leave him as everyone of our friends and our children think he's just marvellous and it would leave me very alone and isolated. The boundaries book is really helping. Look up Grey Rock as a way of dealing with his behaviour. He loves the attention the banging and mutterring causes. Ignore him...I wish you the best of luck with your recovery, please focus on your emotional well-being.

Thank you for your message but he's not an abuser. I did use the phrase 'emotional abuse' to him earlier but more to shock him and get him to see that this behaviour is unacceptable. I think he was quite shocked and asked how this was emotional abuse. I just said that it's unfair that me and the kids pick up on his moods and have to walk on eggshells and change our behaviour to avoid it. But no, I really don't think he is abusive. And I think maybe he genuinely doesn't understand that his behaviour in the house hugely impacts how we feel. Sometimes he can lose his temper so easily and it makes me feel so on edge. Not that he would ever hurt us, it just makes me feel uncomfortable and tense.

But then, as someone said, I'm also going through a really stressful period and i don't act like this and take it out on other people. On those days when I was going to work and then looking after the kids alone, I didn't act stroppy or moody with him when he got back, no matter how tired I was. I didn't act like it was his fault or take it out on him. I sometimes lose my temper, like everyone does, but I know for a fact i would never have treated him this way when he was ill. I'd never stomp off and refuse to help him walk, no matter how much he'd annoyed me, and I'd never ever have made him feel like accompanying him to apppintments was taking me away from my actual priority of decorating. My number one priority in life would always be the relationships with the people I love and I'd always put talking to them/comforting them above household tasks. His mum was very ill with cancer some years ago and i know he would have been disgusted and angry if he found out that her husband had been treating her the way he sometimes treats me.

And he's not always like this. He's often playful and fun with the kids and enthusiastic about things. Can be really kind and caring and want to look after me and make sure I'm ok. And during those times I think "what was I even worrying about, everything is fine and he's great" because it feels that way. But I know there will come a day when he's driving me to an appointment in silence with a pissed off look on his face and I'm trying to figure out what's wrong and make it ok again because I can't bear it.

I think these discussions of ours are becoming more and more frequent because I'm finding it harder and harder to tolerate. He thinks that I'm causing arguments but I think I'm just reacting instead of tolerating it. Just before I found out I had cancer we had an awful one on holiday and I explained how bad he made me feel, how angry he was all the time. I pointed out that he'd even do things like walk at exactly the same pace as me, but about 3 feet in front, so I could never catch up. Who doesn't walk directly next to their wife? It's not as though we were walking at different speeds, he just walks ahead of me and looks annoyed as though I'm holding him back. I'd get stressed and try to speed up so I wasn't annoying him. It meant i could never hear him properly when he talked so I'd ask him to repeat himself and he'd get annoyed about that too and repeat it at exactly the same volume so I still couldn't hear. Silly things like if I don't hear my phone ring, he'll get angry at me like I've ignored him so I get a bit nervous and immediately repeatedly call him back and text him so I haven't inconvenienced him. Or if he's coming to give me a lift and I'm not ready, I'd get really worried and rush so that he wouldn't have to wait and get pissed off at me. One time I was having a walk in the woods with a friend and I mistimed how quickly we'd get back to the car park so he was waiting about twenty minutes. He'd been repeatedly calling me but I hadn't heard my phone in my bag. We turned up and I was happy to see him and said hi, and then in front of my friend he sort of shouted at me, asking where I'd been, why had i asked him to come if I wasn't ready, why wasn't I answering my phone and then just got in the car looking so angry. I was really embarrassed and responded normally and casually as though we were having a normal conversation but my friend looked shocked. But then i think about all the times I've had to pick him up from work and he's been delayed, sometimes for quite a while. I never feel angry or annoyed at him, or blame him for it. I just think oh well, can't be helped, and there is no mood or atmosphere.

To me it sounds like he's stressed, upset and distracted. Worrying and so trying to just crack on quickly.

I think you need to lay off. He needs space and time alone.

OP,

You are determined to excuse his truly dreadful behaviour so I don't know what to say.

Your friend was shocked, because his behaviour was shocking.
It's that simple.

He is a highly abusive man, who has abused you and your children for a long time.

This is your life and the environment your poor children live with.

That you would think that driving like a lunatic is anything but abusive is your decision.

He is a highly abusive man and while you accept being abused, this is your life and the life of your children.

God help you, and god help them if they are left with them.

He is not a good man.

If you are so sure he's not abusive, ring Women's aid and ask.

Ring Cancer services and ask is his behaviour normal.

Ring the National Domestic abuse service helpline, ask them what they think, if you are so sure.

Do it for those poor children if not for yourself.

Because she's just had fucking chemo 😡honestly some people shouldn't have access to the Internet.

O.P, l agree with 100% with @billy1966, he is treating you appallingly, and is an abusive, spoilt man child with no empathy towards you whatsoever. Sadly you are in denial and despite recounting a long list of examples of his abusive behaviour you then defend him at every turn. Please do contact Womens Aid to see what they advise.

He sounds horrible. Truly horrible. You are climbing out of your sick bed to do things that hurt you because you are afraid of his moods. Someone who works 10 hours a week SHOULD be doing most of the domestic jobs, male or female. How dare he make you feel so bad you are crying in the waiting room? You might not call this emotionally abusive but it sounds quite a lot like it to me

Maybe he’s a bit of a selfish ass and always has been a bit of a cunt

and you having cancer has bought eveything to the surface and exacerbated things

maybe your focus needs to be less on him and the clearly very fraught relationship and more on keeping yourself calm and supported whilst you get through the chemo

so disengage a bit
observe
and have think what needs happen once you have chemo over with
you likely need someone to talk to as this is a lot to handle

I don’t care how bad a day it’s been
you pop and give your OH a kiss and check they are ok

and i would hope that going through the hell of this makes you realise that if you split

it’s not the end of the world

Sending lots of 🫂