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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsupportive husband

30 replies

Ems11 · 01/03/2023 23:21

I write here desperate for advice as I don’t no where else to turn.
My husband comes across as the perfect husband and dad.
He doesn’t hit me, shout at me, he works hard but he doesn’t support me emotionally. I feel he is emotionally immature.
We went through a rough patch a while ago that could have ruined our marriage but I gave a 2nd chance and tried to help him. He promised at the time he would be there for me more etc but that hasn’t been the case.
I suffered a big loss of a much loved family member not so long ago and my heart was broken. I feel I couldn’t turn to him, he didn’t comfort me or make me feel better. When I was upset 6 months after the passing he actually made a comment of ‘are u still upset’?
I have recently had the anniversary & not a kind or supportive word was passed, not even a phone call to acknowledge it. I am livid but also very upset.
I have basically ignored him since and he hasn’t once asked me what is wrong. I’ve been going upstairs away from him every evening and he is leaving me to it. When I broached it he said I’m making a big deal out of nothing like my feelings are not valid.
Ive got such a turn off him, I can barely look at him. Is that not marriage is about, supporting each other and being there for each other?
It’s crazy as there has been no stand up row but he knows I’m upset and doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Yolo12345 · 01/03/2023 23:24

Honestly, I'm not sure that one man can really provide that kind of emotional support. They probably are out there, but I haven't really felt that from men. What I have done is build up a good network of supportive and understanding women. They have my back, laugh with me, cry with me...

dollypartin · 01/03/2023 23:27

Tbh you expecting him to remember the anniversary and then give him the silent treatment and still can't look at him because he doesn't even know what's wrong... it all seems like you expect him to read your mind. Try being more open with your feelings and communicate more. You can't be mad at him for not guessing why you're sad.

Original poster
Ems11 · 02/03/2023 00:02

Dollypartin I mentioned above i broached the subject so he knows well why I’m annoyed

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 02/03/2023 00:07

Ems11 · 02/03/2023 00:02

Dollypartin I mentioned above i broached the subject so he knows well why I’m annoyed

Yes, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have the emotional wherewithal to be as sympathetic as you want - some men just aren’t like that.

hunyouok · 02/03/2023 00:49

I think you're completely right to expect your life partner to support you during loss and hard times! He is obviously quite insensitive and childish.
The only thing you can do is communicate your needs for emotional support. If he listens great if not then he's not what you need from a soul mate.

WandaWonder · 02/03/2023 01:43

I think if you invest this much thought into the way another person acts towards you it will never be enough

Someone people are not like that and I don't feel the need to go 'men are not or a women would not act that way'

To me not everyone knows how to act in every situation

Sure people can go when this event happens here are 5 things you have to do or say

Also you do seem to be game playing, I would not act well towards that myself, you or other posters can say 'but if he just did or said this' it doesn't work that way

barmycatmum · 02/03/2023 05:41

If you give the silent treatment and expect your partner to ask you what is wrong, you’re going about things in a very unhealthy and immature way.
yes, it is seriously uncool that he doesn’t validate your emotions - but the games are also uncool.

tell him what you need. Or kick him out. Or get therapy.
no one has the energy to play guessing games chasing after a sulking partner, so the well may already be poisoned by that, and he may simply resent it at this point.

rwalker · 02/03/2023 05:46

Some people just aren’t emotional or empathetic

category12 · 02/03/2023 06:03

It seems like he's unable or unwilling to give you what you need emotionally.

So you need to accept that this is how he is. You evidently came close to ending things over it previously, so you need to decide if it's now a dealbreaker for you that he can't change on this.

There's nothing wrong in splitting if your needs aren't met.
You could try relationship counselling if you want to stay, or looking to meet that need via friends/family. If you feel you may need extra support with your grief over your bereavement, maybe look for counselling. I'm sorry for your loss.

You should address the way you are behaving yourself as the silent treatment is very toxic and is named as an emotionally abusive behaviour.

category12 · 02/03/2023 06:08

Please mentally add "but you shouldn't have to really" after friends and family in my sentence above.

supercali77 · 02/03/2023 06:24

I suffered a serious bereavement a decade ago, my dp at the time...didn't attend the funeral with me. Asked me not long after why was I sitting crying in the kitchen...then not long later told me that he thought half my upset was attention seeking! I was in too much of a mess to leave then but I should have. The final straw was a year later coming home from the inquest which was fckin awful, and his only text to me was...bring a pizza home. I left him the same night. I always knew he lacked empathy.

Silent treatment isn't the way to do things but big losses really have a habit of showing you which people you can count on when it matters. If your most significant other isn't one of them....I understand your pain. Its also nonsense that men just aren't empathetic like that, or can't be supportive. They absolutely can be

Bard6817 · 02/03/2023 06:29

I think you are needy and he’s not the guy for you. Sorry.

Life is hard - and 6 months on - it’s totally fine for you to be grieving - but this is for you to deal with. Sounds like you need someone who knows how to be, or just act, with more empathy. Men aren’t great at that tbh.

Also sounds like you are quite the emotional person (that’s fine) and have a range of tools to punish others (that’s abuse) when you don’t get what you want. That’s making you come across as manipulative.

Maybe this is an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself more, than Dh. Kinda think you won’t see it that way though.

Sorry for you loss btw.

PsychoHotSauce · 02/03/2023 06:48

I've no idea what is going on with the responses here tbh. It's perfectly normal to expect your husband to give you SOMETHING emotionally. It might not be 100% all you want/need but to get zero shows he doesn't love you and/or he's emotionally stunted.

I don't condone the silent treatment but I completely understand why you would withdraw from him.

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 13:55

Honestly op. Some people just aren't good at giving emotional support. They show their love jn other more 'practical' ways like making a cuppa of tea or tidying up. There is nothing in itself wrong with that but it's clearly an issue for you as you want a more outwardly supportive partner. I think you need to stop punishing him with the silent treatment for being who is his and just separate. He is never ever going to be the touchy feely type.
Maybe you'll find someone more sympathetic.

Hbh17 · 03/03/2023 14:08

He may be reacting in the way he thinks appropriate. My husband's parents both died some years ago (at different times). Although I occasionally mention both of them in passing, I have never ever referred to the anniversaries of their deaths because I know he would absolutely hate it. He was upset at the time when they died, but he would rather chop off his own arm than ever discuss his feelings about his bereavement. Everyone is different - that's all there is to it. Please stop punishing your husband, because he has no idea he's done anything wrong!

Naunet · 03/03/2023 14:23

Deathbyfluffy · 02/03/2023 00:07

Yes, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have the emotional wherewithal to be as sympathetic as you want - some men just aren’t like that.

Show quote history

So? Doesn’t mean women are duty bound to tolerate it.

OP, he doesn’t sound like much of a partner, he’s not going to support you through the hard times.

Naunet · 03/03/2023 14:26

Bard6817 · 02/03/2023 06:29

I think you are needy and he’s not the guy for you. Sorry.

Life is hard - and 6 months on - it’s totally fine for you to be grieving - but this is for you to deal with. Sounds like you need someone who knows how to be, or just act, with more empathy. Men aren’t great at that tbh.

Also sounds like you are quite the emotional person (that’s fine) and have a range of tools to punish others (that’s abuse) when you don’t get what you want. That’s making you come across as manipulative.

Maybe this is an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself more, than Dh. Kinda think you won’t see it that way though.

Sorry for you loss btw.

Needy for expecting some support from her HUSBAND?! Your bar is way, way too low.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 15:12

What was the rough time and how did you give him a second chance? Was he unfaithful or something like that?

You sound like you feel detached from him and very resentful. It’s like you feel he owes you but he doesn’t realise it and you’re pushing him away over this anniversary upset to get a reaction back.

I might be on completely the right track but that’s the first issue you mention and it might be relevant.

Bard6817 · 03/03/2023 19:45

Naunet · 03/03/2023 14:26

Needy for expecting some support from her HUSBAND?! Your bar is way, way too low.

Show quote history

We all handle loss differently.

Clearly the OP is still suffering a year later and his lack of support is a struggle for her. but being blunt - that’s a lot for anyone to support - particularly someone she thinks is emotionally immature anyway.

Definitely too needy for him.

My bar…. Kinda irrelevant.

MaxTalk · 03/03/2023 20:23

I am a man and not one to provide a lot of emotional support. Can't be doing with tears etc. Sorry.

isthewashingdryyet · 03/03/2023 20:31

It is quite astonishing to read how some people think empathy and concern following a bereavement are too much to ask from another person. I’d expect the person in the bus queue to at least say they were sorry to hear that if they caught me crying in the queue, and asked me why.
It really is no wonder we have a MH crisis if a little concern and respect for deep feelings re ignored by our life partners.

I don’t think you are expecting too much, OP , and I am sad for you at this difficult time.

Alcemeg · 03/03/2023 21:58

I don't honour the anniversary of bereavements, or even keep the date in mind; it's just not the way I prefer to carry on. You might find it helpful, but I'd find it rather morbid. There's no need to be livid with him for not marking the calendar in that way.

flipflop76 · 03/03/2023 22:11

Could he be on the spectrum? He sounds like my Dad who would be very similar in that kind of situation...

Comtesse · 04/03/2023 10:12

He sound like a cold fish and there are clearly a few others on this thread too. It’s pretty reasonable to expect emotional support from your partner. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Isheabastard · 04/03/2023 11:11

I feel for you. My stbxh has always expected more support from me than he was ever willing to give me. This encompassed so so many things from going back into to work the day I was giving birth to being very unsympathetic when I was going through a hard time. But he still expected total support from me.

I just got used to this and became very very self sufficient. When the menopause hit I stopped caring enough about him and offered him less support than I used to.

There were other things but I eventually called time on my marriage. He is devastated but I feel he is the architect of his own demise.

So you have a few choices. Find support elsewhere and accept he is unable or unwilling to give you support.

Give him the same support he gives you ie very little.

If he lacks empathy it may be more difficult for him, but you could try and counteract this by therapy (alone or together), or even buy him books or articles to show him, ie grieving can last longer than 6 months.

Some people find it very difficult to imagine something if it hasn’t directly happened to them. This might be relevant to your husband and to some of the less sympathetic posters on this thread.

If emotional support is important to you then you need to find a new way of getting him to understand where he is falling short. Either way the amount of support you both offer each other should be similar in my opinion.